[.C.]

Hi this has been on my mind a lot lately and I would love some advice.
Both my boyfriend and I are 18 and have been together for just over 1 year. He is incredibly loving, supportive and patient, but lately i've been feeling like the relationship just isn't enough. There is no one else i'd rather be with, and if we do break up, I am looking forward to being on my own again for awhile (not dating or in a different relationship).
The issue is, we see each other once a week, & when we are together, he is so attentive, loving and adoring, farrr more than i am. I'm supportive, interested in him and validate his feelings, I really do care about both him and the relationship, but he is far more emotionally open and loving (which i admire, and am working on in myself).

For the other 6 days of a week, we text, but he takes his time to respond, and they are very superficial, basic 'how are you' topics. If you were to look at them, you'd think they were between so-so friends. I mean they're always friendly, but just...lacking. Some days we don't talk at all, though this is not typical (but still does occur).
I always feel like i'm having to reach out, am initiating the conversation, and am essentially looking for MORE. More love, more attention, more then the little to nothing I get 6 out of 7 days of the week!

Its confusing though that he's so warm and loving when we're together, but that i just don't seem to be a priority what so ever when we are not. And for the record, it is not a case of him being busy with other things. He took a gap year after high school and is not working. Just hangs out with friends and at home and stuff. so no shortage of free time..

I'm not interested in playing 'hard to get' or any suggestions like that. This is a relationship not a game and I think we owe it to each other to be genuine about our feelings. I don't harass him (if he doesn't respond to my first text I leave it) and I know he doesn't feel harassed, and I do not believe i am being 'needy'. Instead, I think my concerns are valid and will discuss them with him, but would also love to get some outside input. Its hard to see everything clearly when your biased and so emotionally involved in the issue!
Thanks a lot

[.C.]

Ah, and in addition, he got back recently from a 2 week long trip, and the following day he was invited to the big family dinner we were having for my dads birthday. Instead of attending, he told me he was going to a friends party. I thought it might be a birthday party or someone close, in which case I could see that being justified, but it was some guy he barley knew. My boyfriend didn't invite me to come with him, or even ask the guy if i could. He showed no interest what so ever in seeing me, despite claiming he really missed me prior to this. When i asked about hanging out the next day, he said yes, but then another friend invited him to a hockey game, so he told me he was going to that instead but that i could come too if i wanted..
To say the least, my original excitement for him coming home is gone. If this is how he always treated me, I would have broken up with him a long time ago, but as i said, when we actually are together he is really all i could ask for and more. So i don't really know how to handle this..?

[jns]

For him it sounds like he is not in an exclusive relationship. If he was not attentive and loving when he is with you I would say that may be part of his personality, but that is not the case. If he is attentive and loving I would expect him to respond enthusiastically about conversations and include you in more of his plans. Do his friends like you or do they try to get him away from you?

[Hopeless Dork]

Have you told him how it makes you feel? Some people are not phone people at all -- don't like talking on it, don't like texting and only utilize those things when they have something specific or relevent to say. In other words... the 'hi how u doin stuff 'is not something they are interested in doing on the phone... more so only using it for 'i will be there at 8pm' type functions.

My boyfriend was one of those guys when we first started dating, and it would leave me feeling like you... distant. I told him how it makes my day to hear from him. I told him that those 30 little seconds he takes to pick up his phone, read what i wrote... and respond timely... can make my whole day -- he didn't realize it was that important to me, since it was not important to him. So although he wasn't a 'phone guy'... he adapted to make ME happy and make ME feel special.

When I explained to him that a text out of the blue from him.... makes me aware he was thinking of me at that moment -- he got it, he understood. When I explained to him that when I send him a text at a time I know he is free and available and he doesn't respond... it makes me feel like I wasn't worth the effort , the 30 second effort it would take to pick up that phone and tap a couple keys -- he got it, he understood.

If you express to your boyfriend what it is it means to you for him to communicate when you guys are apart ... he should be able to at least make some compromises in his phone usage style... in order to make you happy, and you can make some as well -- as in not expecting him to text all day or talk on phone for hours etc... know what i mean? Meeting somewhere in the middle. If he doesn't know how much it matters to you though... if you havent SPECIFICALLY told him (don't just hint... you need to be clear) how you feel about his lack of communication... you can't really hold it against him for not doing the things he doesn't know matter so much to you.

[.C.]

Hi, thanks for getting back to me. We spoke openly about it and he admitted he'd gotten a bit too comfortable with the relationship and that he'd put in more effort - which he has done since! So thanks again for the advice, it all worked out for the best.

[teenie]

Sounds just like my ex.

I used to see him once or twice a week, when he lived just 6 minutes drive away (he too had no job or education to worry about). He never would insist on seeing me sooner than 4 days in length, and the texts were pathetic. The emails also, that's if i got a reply. I recall in a month i saw him 4 times. Again, this is with him having all the spare time in the world.

He acted disinterested the entire time, except until the day he got me. The game was over, he had what he wanted no need to try. He insisted this was his personailty. I do believe it was, but the fact that he'd visit my house at 4 adn leave at 6 or most definitely by 9 because he was "tired" and then visit his mate on several occasions staying up past 3am doesn't make sense to me. I wanted to be his best friend. He was mine.

Now granted, he loved me very much, this was a part of who he was. I didn't want him to change for me, and i knew i wasn't being needy ( i merely wanted to enjoy the company of whom i loved for more than 4 days a month!) , but he showed love very differently to how i needed it, so i ended things (i felt utterly neglected the entire time)

He took me to a party once, full well knowing i'm shy, introduced me to one person and spent the other 4 hours AWAY from my sight, i was left stranded (very well i enjoyed the persons company) and then when i did see him it was time to go. I was shocked at that! Neglecting me like that!? I told him off for it and he improved, but would still leave me alone quite an amount of time. I hated those parties. He'd insist me come but then not really spend it with me. I think it was so that he didn't look like a loser without a gf, because i was his first gf in many years.

This is my advice. Seriously, he wont change, he isn't want you need. Leave, because if you have my luck, you will meet a guy who is sooooo willing to give you anything you want, you will wonder why you didn't leave him earlier to make your heart open to this new guy.

SERIOUSLY, he might love you, maybe (he doesn't look THAT interested to be honest) but do you want to feel neglected for forever, or cherished???
Exactly. Leave. You'll both get over it pretty darn fast, trust me.

[Calicorado83]

You seem so very mature for 18! The way I see it is that it seems that he only feels close when you two are physically together. The relationship probably doesn't feel the same through a text. He gets your text message, and probably overlooks it because he probably doesn't enjoy talking through text (I am this way unless the conversation is more than just a basic "how are you" I feel it interuppts what I am doing at that moment) and he probably forgets to text back until awhile later, when he's bored and scanning through his inbox. Why do you only see him once a week? For a relationship to last a year, it needs more physical time together. Try to squeeze more time together, incorporate an extra date night. He sounds like he has the potential to be an excellent boyfriend if the opportunity was there. It seems he enjoys the relationship while he has it (that one day) but is caught up in his life (the other six days). He probably feels responsible for just that one day and doesn't understand that you need just a little bit more. He doesn't understand that you feel he isn't keeping up.

[CaliGirl7]

i would just move on, you deserve better than that. You should go out with your friends have fun and live your life and when the right guy comes along who is going to make you feel loved when he's with you and not with you, someone who is going to go to important events like your dads birthday. if he's not making you a priority then you shouldnt make him yours.

[littleprincess]

Im 21 and in a similar situation to you, meaning that i dont see my boyfriend much, but perhaps thats the main issue, if you did see your boyfriend a bit more he would maybe understand you more or if you at least sort of hint the issue to him,he would then maybe realise. I dont think he has a clue that he makes you feel distant so maybe you should just tell him that it just doesnt make you feel happy. The thing with my partner is that he is very loving when with me but when not with me he tends to not talk much via text messages etc, and i did tell him once that it gets me moody and unhappy when he ignores my texts or replys back late, and iv knowticed little improvements but i guess it will just take time because i doubt they would fix up as soon as you tell them to anyway. Step by step is how to do it i think, and it takes a little time. If you see no progress ,then ignore them, and im sure they will feel a little annoyed and maybe understand where your coming from?

Xxx

[.C.]

Hey, thank you all for the support and advice. My boyfriend and I have since spoken very directly and openly about the issue, and he admitted that he's gotten lazy & taken the health of the relationship for granted, but that he wants to put the effort in. He has since put that sentiment into action and that effort has consequently had a very positive effect on our relationship. this taught me that once again, communication really is key!
Thanks & all the best,
C