[miffed23]

Do we have as they do an equally weak addictive personality? What are we really scared about?

Yes, I have definitely dwelled upon this. I can say quite openly that I did. Its sadly a need thing, they fulfil a basic need in the good times and we go back to needing that basic need!

Your view upon the experience is the same as mine, its a lesson learnt, I dont regret my decisions as I doubt you do too. Going off track slightly, sorry I tend to do that, you mentioned that you were 24 when you met her and have brought up 'being young and inexperienced' - I truely believe that something significant happens around the mid twenties that alters your life hugely. I have never really looked into it, it seems that we reach a point that makes us question where we are and what were doing, a few girlfriends have confirmed this too. After this minor, or more often major, speed bump we seem to get back on the wagon and have a better idea of where we are going.

Very interesting thread for me, love it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I changed entirely when I turned 21. By 25 I also questioned life and what I wanted out of it, and focused more on everything I wanted.

I was engaged but he didn't put our names on the cake, stayed up-stairs most of the time....I chose that he was not the one and left him...

I made some decisions at that age, 1.. not to settle, 2....to follow my dream career wise....& 3... the inner peace that came with that open me more spiritually into the witch I became/ am today

At 27 I left managing restaurants and started my own promotional company, then a business magazine/exibitions and was a lecturer on goal setting, motivational speaker... From there managed an investigation firm and from there became a real estate agent, now owner, had I not had made those decisions at 25 I would have still been running restaurants at 47 and possibly single due to the hours...

I think it's definately true Miffed seeings as I'm older than you

[spurzzz]

Miffed23:

"I truely believe that something significant happens around the mid twenties that alters your life hugely"

What I think happens by this stage in ones life is that we meet a few "wrong" people before we eventually meet the "right" one. This is a crucial point in our lives for me as the experiences that we have gained and learned can have a detrimental/positive influence in the years to come. Some people it seems have the strength of character to get through the turbulent times and be stronger for it, learning from their mistakes and choosing an equally apt partner to live a fulfilling adult relationship with.

And of course the opposite to that is that a lot of people do not learn from their mistakes, do not have the strength of character or are so traumatized mentally that they lack the self esteem to get the help needed or to have the frame of mind to know who and what they are. These are the people that go through life from one bad relationship to another "picking" partners that are bad for them but have the certain traits of their previous partners that filled their "holes" or flaws to put it more accurately. Obviously there are many other factors that can contribute to bad situations and failed relationships, but never the less this seems like a crucial part of ones life indeed.

CW::

"he didn't put our names on the cake"

You must look back on your experiences and laugh at how silly we can be when we are young. We think we know Love and that it is the end of the world when we suffer heartache..... You gotta love experience - get the ironic pun

I am glad that you had the strength of character at that age to pull through your troubles and follow your dreams. It has made the kind loving person you are today, so we all at WH say thankyou to that dude who didn't put your names on the cake!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

lol's ...Your cute...Hey another irony....My now Fiance worked under that dude and thought he was a huge jerk Got to love how we live in such a small place

[spurzzz]

"My now Fiance worked under that dude and thought he was a huge jerk"

Wow lol, that is crazy haha.

There you were devestated that your heart was broken by your love when fate had him not too far away. Remember my interconnection comment?

Brilliant stuff! I better be careful who I speak to from now on!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Lol's so true...

How was I too know that later, in life? I would meet my "true" fiance whom showed me that "that" fiance was well...

Add...........He married one of my best friends, back then, had 3 kids, and she wasn't allowed to speak to me, until she saw me one day in a shopping centre called my name, ran up to me, said hi and smiled and walked off...Karma

[spurzzz]

Wow, I thought I had some experiences.

You put a new name to it!

The worst thing I hate about abusers is that they tell the recipient they can and cannot do something! It just angers me that someone would abuse their trust like that and tell someone helpless "what to do" and "what not to do".....

And then they take a step out the front door and become nice person harry..........

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Man, now you are talking about my ex-husband

He even had the nerve to tell me my own parents didn't love me and told him so? After telling me no one will love me, (put up with me), ahha, mmm, sure, no worries love

[spurzzz]

Sorry you went through that CW, some experiences make us the strong people we are today and you are a credit to that testament but boy are they hard and harsh experiences!

Classic abuser always try there best to degrade the recipient as much as possible while reinforcing the idea that the other person is useless and "will never find anyone" until eventually they believe it and in doing so sacrifice their dignity and self-respect.

In essence what the abuser is doing is projecting his flaws and insecurities onto the victim and convincing himself delusionally that it is your fault for everything. Just where this pattern of behaviour stems from is a mystery. I feel it is a mixture of past experiences, traits learnt through prior relationships and parents and a cultural influence. For example a Bully at school may be getting bullied at home and is venting his behaviour onto another to make him at ease with himself or he has learnt this behaviour from his parent who abuses her/his partner in the same way......

Humans eh

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What is strange really is none of that occured until "after marriage" ... And I had just suffered a major fall, injury and therefore, I guess was vulnerable..He was a laugh, young minded, ....

It's funny but you are right, he had been married before at 31, her 21 and heaven forbid a virgin until then, off course I've always been a free spirit So, it was maybe coupled of not knowing how to accept that, in marriage and fear of loss...Who knows.

Bottom line is, he is still trying to manipulate me, with the Divorce, wants us to just part, end of story and give him back his Mother's ring...Yet I spent $70k on him when he hurt his back "survival" and in debt to live and holidays and his home...

Yeah na, I was going to walk clean but having had 4 years to reflect? And a man whom doesn't use? I see that I deserve to get that money back and what ever shall be will be.

Sorry venting haha.

Yes, his Grandmother adored me, and was an influence on him bullied him, walked in the home when ever, his Mother died of Cancer she claimed it was her house she bought it for his Mother, she owned it, him...she was manipulating for sure, but we got along real well...I wasn't even allowed to attend her funeral nor receive her final birthday card....

Sad human eh indeed.

Would type more but night off sort off, with my man, can't help myself lols...

You are all important and so I can't help but answer ...or kill spam...or answer Sid, or..or... or...