[jaygirlweek96]

I have been dating my bf (now ex) for 4 years. I had posted here in the past about two years ago, when we had problems. The first year was lovely, i was coming from a terrible relationship so i really bonded with him and was a bit scared of ever losing him and was anxious to get married. Then it started getting into his head. He started taking me for granted and saying things like he didnt know if he could marry me etc. Well, i still stayed. After three years, he suddenly decided he wanted to get married, and we went to see his parents, and planned to get married this Christmas.

After we met his parents, he just changed. Started complaining about silly things, didnt like the way my mouth moved when i ate, didnt like the words i used to construct sentences, i would catch him giving me irritating looks when i was with him, and finally, started giving excuses when i wanted to come and see him. He would offend me and refuse to even beg, or send me a one line text saying sorry.

Other times he would say i complained too much. Well, along with other things, and me finally being tired of treated like a pushover, i have broken up with him. And now its like all is let loose. I broke up with him on Friday morning.


Now he is calling me almost 20 times a day(i refuse to pick), sending me texts and emails every 30 minutes (literally), apologising that he never knew what he had, saying things he never said in the relationship. He hadnt said i love you in over three months. He is begging for a second chance, admitting he treated me like , and says i should please give him a chance.

While i have never seen him this way, i am still worried.HAs this ever happened to any of you? Did you actually change after she gave you a 2nd chance? I love him, but honestly do not want to waste my time. I hardly believe people change,, i dont know if he can.

Pls advise

[FortunsFoole]

It's been my experience that people will change.. for a short period of time. Until they feel secure enough that they've hooked you again and then fall into old ways, usually without even realizing it. I know there are exceptions out there... but it would be really hard for me to believe that he could change over the course of a single day. Sounds like there were a lot of repeatedly negative actions/words aimed toward you for him to turn around THAT quickly.

Have you been able to talk to him about WHY he treated you that way? What were his justifications? If you WANT to try and make the relationship work I'd suggest maybe some couples counseling to him or something. If you really don't feel that he will change and don't feel it's worth waiting around to see... then I would say move on. It's really up to you. In situations where you're being demeaned or neglected it's definitely time to get "selfish" and think about your needs. So what do YOU want?

[Hopeless Dork]

People don't change much. It sounds like he was a bit cruel and critical of you -- and those, hun, are character traits... errr flaws, really, but traits nonetheless. So while he may be lonely now that you've left... the likliehood of him treating you any better down the road is .. not that great.

A man that will pick apart the way you chew your food? Seriously... he's going to find wrong with anything you do... and don't you want to be loved for who you are? There are men out there that will love you , even if you aren't perfect, even if you chew your food like a raving lunatic, there is someone that will find it endearing

You shouldn't have to alter the essence of who you are to make someone else happy, for many reasons... but the big reason? It won't matter... they'll find something else wrong with you to pick at.

If you think he deserves another chance, give it a go... but do so with a very cautious heart. Do so knowing that theres a good chance he just realized that he did have something awesome and was being a jerk -- but there is just a good of a chance that he just realized he doesnt want to be alone -- and that having you around to pick at was better than picking at the dog for the way he yawns and whatnot.

[spurzzz]

Hi Jaygirl:

The trouble with coming from a bad relationship and jumping into another relationship quite quick are immense. Your insecurities and clinginess was not what the relationship needed in the first year. You were so desperate to marry him to satisfy your own needs that it bought other issues into the relationship like "I need you".....

Rather then take it easy, it was probably a very highly emotional situation which has effected the pair of you. It does sound like your fella is looking for excuses to get out of the relationship as he remembers the flaws from the beginning, its not quite what he wants. But then the pair of you are so emotionally involved he cannot let go and neither can you....hence his behavior change and constant harrassment at the moment.

Either way, whatever the pair of you decide you both have issues you need to deal with within. Perhaps take a break and work on yourselves, getting that "you" back and improving your confidence and self-esteem. Then if you decide you want a relationship again, communicate with each other and tell one another what you will not accept and what you want. No need to rush.....

Good luck.

[WildChild]

People can and do change, when THEY want to and have a reason to.
The question is whether he has enough of a reason to and to make it last?
Sounds like he has some knee jerk, hidden issues with parental approval. My guess is that until he resolves those every time he gets around family they will surface. My kid's father would become a world class A-hole when he got around his father. I pity his current wife - guess who lives with them?

[miffed23]

I agree with WC, people can change.

My advice would be to sit this one out, have some single time. I dont mean floozing it about, I mean 'you time' get your hair, nails done, go shopping, spend time with girlfriends, take a vacation if you can. Get to know you. If then after time, you still have feelings for him and want to give it a go then do so. Chances are if he is serious about changing and realises the errors of his ways then he will still be around too (even after a year!)

[likes2chat]

i am in a similar position my boyfriend of 2yrs and a half is suddenly saying im putting on weight that i need to loose it also he is saying i should get my teeth whitend and critises everything from the way i clean my house etc im so confused as when i try to talk about how i feel he says he says it as he loves me and that im being to sensitive

[WildChild]

i am in a similar position my boyfriend of 2yrs and a half is suddenly saying im putting on weight that i need to loose it also he is saying i should get my teeth whitend and critises everything from the way i clean my house etc im so confused as when i try to talk about how i feel he says he says it as he loves me and that im being to sensitive

Ooo the infatuation is over.
When we meet and are attracted to someone our bodies are flooded with hormones that show us the world through rose tinted glasses. It takes 6 months to 2 years for those to subside and then we find out what we really have. It sounds like you aren't quite what he really wants to live with. Be glad he's still a bf and not a husband.

Unless you can see real justification for his concerns - like honestly you are a bit of a slob and need to learn to be tidier or you don't floss and brush, it may be time for a chat and to move on.

[Guest]

People can change definitely. Just look at your relationship from beginning to end. It was great in the beginning and sucked before the break-up. He already has changed. I don't know enough about him or the situation to make presumptions about whether or not he would be good to you and stay that way if you gave him a second chance. I can only suggest that you be careful and move slowly this time if you do decide to cave.

[Maggie99]

i am in a similar position my boyfriend of 2yrs and a half is suddenly saying im putting on weight that i need to loose it also he is saying i should get my teeth whitend and critises everything from the way i clean my house etc im so confused as when i try to talk about how i feel he says he says it as he loves me and that im being to sensitive

My ex husband used to tell me I was also gaining weight, and that he was going to leave me if I got any bigger...I found out later that he was playing around with other women,, and was only staying because I did his dirty loundry....I left and didnt look back...so I would say to leave him and start a new life, take care of yourself, dont let him make you feel like nothing, he isnt worth it.