[miffed23]

It was my family that gave me the final push. Friends were there, and did everything that you are doing - but I needed that little bit more. The more people that you can get to offer the support that you are doing, the better. What is the situation with her family? Is she close to them? The only reason that I stayed as long as I did was because I was terrified that he would come after me, I would recommend that she or you if she doesnt feel up to it, ring the police and tell them the situation and they will put an injunction on him. If he turns up, she must ring the police immediately. It will sound very dramatic to her when you suggest this, but its a neccessity.

She will leave, when she feels ready. Dont push her too much (I know that youre not) because she could rebel and he will end up getting exactly what he wants - her isolated from friends all to himself. We've no idea what he is saying to her behind closed doors, do not let him turn her against good friends like yourself.

[miffed23]

If I was you, I would be a bit more stern with her the next time you talk. Stress to her how you feel and ask her what she wants to do. It is not fair on you to be worrying about her when all she wants to do is continue to stay and play his games. Find out what it is she wants and tell her you will always be there for her but you are no longer going to worry about her ------ because why should you when she clearly isn't worried enough to want to leave.

Argh! No!

We've no idea what he is saying to her. It is crystal clear that she is in a controlling relationship. The worst thing to do is to pressurise her. She could be terrified, he could be listening to her calls, he could be reading text messages over her shoulder, she could be worried that he can somehow hear her conversations and doesnt want to give too much away.

[A Concerned Friend]

I understand what your saying.....the thing the concerns me is that he has her questioning everything to the point that she can't even trust herself and her decisions.

As far has only hearing her side..... I have witnessed his controlling behavior. In fact he tried to control me when he found out she was talking to me about all of this. I wouldn't have any of that and that is why I know he really doesn't like me because I know the truth about what is going on. I see him for who he really is and he can't stand that he can't control me. He knows that I am level headed and when she talks to me I will be truthful and not sugar coat or defend him.

I'm not really worried about him coming after me either. He knows my boyfriend (that is how we met) and he knows he has another thing coming if he comes near me or says anything to me. That is how I know she will be safe here.

[A Concerned Friend]

It was my family that gave me the final push. Friends were there, and did everything that you are doing - but I needed that little bit more. The more people that you can get to offer the support that you are doing, the better. What is the situation with her family? Is she close to them? The only reason that I stayed as long as I did was because I was terrified that he would come after me, I would recommend that she or you if she doesnt feel up to it, ring the police and tell them the situation and they will put an injunction on him. If he turns up, she must ring the police immediately. It will sound very dramatic to her when you suggest this, but its a neccessity.

She will leave, when she feels ready. Dont push her too much (I know that youre not) because she could rebel and he will end up getting exactly what he wants - her isolated from friends all to himself. We've no idea what he is saying to her behind closed doors, do not let him turn her against good friends like yourself.

She has called the police on him before and he is so good at what he does that he had the police wrapped around his little finger, hanging on his every word. She had to call a mutual friend to come and make him leave at that point.

[miffed23]

She has called the police on him before and he is so good at what he does that he had the police wrapped around his little finger, hanging on his every word. She had to call a mutual friend to come and make him leave at that point.

This makes me sick to the core. Im trying to think what, apart from causing my mother to cry and realising that the only control that I had over my life was going for a drive in my car, made me leave. I had offer after offer of somewhere to stay and it took me ages to accept, even though I knew that I had to leave. It is, unfortunately, completely down to her.

All you can do is what youre doing. It would have helped me to hear other womens stories of similar situations, although she knows that you were in an abusive relationship....maybe tell her that you've been speaking to someone that was in a similar situation and leaving was the best thing that they ever did?

Is she close to her family? Could they collect her, she could tell him that she is going to visit family. Does she have any time apart from him? Does he work?

[spurzzz]

Argh! No!

We've no idea what he is saying to her. It is crystal clear that she is in a controlling relationship. The worst thing to do is to pressurise her. She could be terrified, he could be listening to her calls, he could be reading text messages over her shoulder, she could be worried that he can somehow hear her conversations and doesnt want to give too much away.

I get that.............you said could be 3 times. If's, but's........

I am just putting another light on the subject. Notice how I was to begin with at the start of the thread and than how I changed because of what I was understanding. It is not always that she is with him, they have spoken when she has been away from his watchful eye........why has she not told her mate that she wants to leave and is scared? What part of her actions is telling you that she wants to leave? WHERE IS THE URGENCY????

Oh wait she is scared and doesn't want to talk in case he finds out? Maybe, but than we can assume a million other things too........Noticed how I asked for a background info on how violent the guy is.......

All we are getting is one side of a "mates view" on what is going on......and I am trying to find out as much as I can.........

The worst thing to do is pressurise her? What shall we do molecuddle her and let her stay weak and get worse? She is already in a pressure cooker by what you think and so what do we do, just let her sit in it giving polite advice? I have been in a bad situation myself and what I needed was a good bollocking from a mate to wake me the f up -------------- everyone handles situations differently, it doesn't make them wrong.

[miffed23]

I get that.............you said could be 3 times. If's, but's........

Why has she not told her mate that she wants to leave and is scared? What part of her actions is telling you that she wants to leave? WHERE IS THE URGENCY????

Oh wait she is scared and doesn't want to talk in case he finds out? Maybe, but than we can assume a million other things too........Noticed how I asked for a background info on how violent the guy is.......

I see where you are coming from, but once you are in these types of relationships, you become brain washed. It doesnt matter how violent he is, he is violent. Physically abusive or mentally abusive or both, it doesnt matter. This guy is abusive. He controls her, that is why she isnt saying to the OP that she wants to leave. She will be feeling that it is her fault.

The worst thing to do is pressurise her? What shall we do molecuddle her and let her stay weak and get worse? She is already in a pressure cooker by what you think and so what do we do, just let her sit in it giving polite advice? I have been in a bad situation myself and what I needed was a good bollocking from a mate to wake me the f up -------------- everyone handles situations differently, it doesn't make them wrong.

Youre right. This particular situation is so close to home though, that I'm merely saying that if someone pressurised me, I would have stayed. It was the offers of support that saw me through, knowing that people werent judging me and pushing me to leave.

[A Concerned Friend]

This makes me sick to the core. Im trying to think what, apart from causing my mother to cry and realising that the only control that I had over my life was going for a drive in my car, made me leave. I had offer after offer of somewhere to stay and it took me ages to accept, even though I knew that I had to leave. It is, unfortunately, completely down to her.

All you can do is what youre doing. It would have helped me to hear other womens stories of similar situations, although she knows that you were in an abusive relationship....maybe tell her that you've been speaking to someone that was in a similar situation and leaving was the best thing that they ever did?

Is she close to her family? Could they collect her, she could tell him that she is going to visit family. Does she have any time apart from him? Does he work?

She never has time away from him as they both work from home. I guess a better way to put it is she works and supports him and he will maybe put in 5-10 hours a month. The only time she has time away from him is when she is able to go for a drive without him. Even then he is calling her every few minutes. As far has her family, they have no idea what's going on (besides her son's who have told her how they feel) I don't think she has a very close relationship with them.


I've told her about this site and that I think it would help her to hear other womens stories. All I can do is hope she comes here. I know I can't force her to do anything and I don't want to overstep my boundaries or be too pushy. There have been a few times I've said things to her that were testing my limits and the last thing I want to do is push her away. I want her to be able to feel safe with me and trust me. I want her to know I care for her.

[spurzzz]

I understand what your saying.....the thing the concerns me is that he has her questioning everything to the point that she can't even trust herself and her decisions.

As far has only hearing her side..... I have witnessed his controlling behavior. In fact he tried to control me when he found out she was talking to me about all of this. I wouldn't have any of that and that is why I know he really doesn't like me because I know the truth about what is going on. I see him for who he really is and he can't stand that he can't control me. He knows that I am level headed and when she talks to me I will be truthful and not sugar coat or defend him.

I'm not really worried about him coming after me either. He knows my boyfriend (that is how we met) and he knows he has another thing coming if he comes near me or says anything to me. That is how I know she will be safe here.

Do they take drugs out of interest?

So now we are dealing with a woman who can't think for herself, is scared beyond her bones and is paranoid beyond control through the controlling evil monster that her partner is. She is too scared to tell you much, too mentally unstable to think properly and is too controlled to do anything. That is what you are telling us, so lets work from that, no need to justify any further.

The thing is, our suggesstions on this forum could make the situation a lot worse as we are not professional enough to deal with a crisis like this. You must take this into consideration. If I was you, try and get her to see someone who can give her the advice and guidance she needs. In the meantime, just be supportive and tell her you are there for her.

With the obvious exception to brining her here for support and sending her links to articles that may help her too.

[spurzzz]

Let me add as to why I say the things I do.

I have been there. My ex was exactly in the same situation as your friend is. Her ex was controlling and perhaps even worse than her partner (he was a cocaine dealer). She told me how bad he was and how controlling he was....and you know what, I saw that for my own eyes, the amount of times he would call her and pester her and not let her breathe. I thought she was the victim.............no, I was the victim. Why?

She once told me that he must love her because he is so crazy about her. Read it again, I was shocked beyond words. That is what she thought love was. However much of a monster she told me his was (oh he hit her loads of times apparently) and however bad he was - did she stop talking to him? Did she get the help that was needed, even while I tried my butt off to get her it? Where and who do you think she is with now?

Some people love the drama. Some people think differently as to what love is. Some people have different agendas to me and you. What we may think is the case may very well not be is the point.