[kygirl]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together a little over 6 months. I'm happy. He makes me laugh, he inspires me, he challenges me. He is everything I could have ever wanted in man. Here's the problem.... ME.

Growing up during most of my influential years, I was really overweight. Not like 10 lbs, like at points I weighed almost double what I should weigh. It was a rough existence. I felt like my weight defined me. I started dating even before I lost weight bc there were good guys out there that could see me past my exterior. When I was 17, I lost 85 lbs and I feel like my life totally changed. The attention I got from guys multiplied. The cold shoulders I got from girls did as well. It all happened within about an 8 month time frame and it was really hard to deal with at times.

Fast forward to now. I'm by no means tiny, but I generally try to stay around a healthy weight range, I try to eat well most of the time, and I enjoy working out and being active. The problem is that I still find myself tormented by the person I was as a teen and preteen. I've realized that it's not been the breakups that have tainted me. Those experiences rather just reinforced that feeling that I'm not good enough or at minimum, there are so many people better than me, so why would someone ever stick around forever?

I just don't know how to let this go. I find that even now, even without my BF doing anything to make me question him or us that I have this constant fear that he's going to realize he can do better and leave. I have this constant pain about everything I've been through and the toil it took on me physically. I know looks aren't all that matters, and I don't want to sound shallow, but I think it's deeper than that. It's more of a feeling like I don't deserve things or I'm not good enough to have things.

I visited a therapist for a while, but it really just got to be too expensive, and I really can't find the money in my budget for it now. I just need help pushing past this. I know it wouldn't make a lot of sense to some people that I'm still this way 13 years later, but I've realized I have to come to terms with this in order to truly feel secure in myself. I just don't know how to do that?

[Texinator]

Look at all the things you've accomplished in your life. Losing 85 pounds is a big deal, and now you've worked so hard over the past few years to become a lawyer. But did you need to lose that weight or become a lawyer to be worth something, to be "good enough"? No, you just need to be yourself. You've got personality and intelligence on your side, and that goes a very long way. If teenage boys could see that when you were overweight, an adult kygirl should be and will be able to see that as well.

[kygirl]

Yeah, I know you're right Tex and I know it doesn't make sense, but it just doesn't seem to want to click. Sometimes I feel really good. I mean, I always put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, but it seems like when things start to go wrong, I feel like it's because I have let myself down. I think it's been worse since I put on a few pounds studying for the bar. I mean, I'm well on my way to getting them back off, but I just have felt less than stellar lately. I hate my perception of myself is so tied to how I look and what I weigh, but I feel like that gets reinforced constantly in the media and in day to day life. People just seem to place a lot of emphasis on that.

I just hate more than anything that it affects me in my relationship sometimes. My BF doesn't always know what is causing it, but it's just hard for him to understand things sometimes. I know he tries and he cares about me, but he doesn't entirely get it.

[KMonte85]

I'm sorry you weren't able to continue working with a therapist, ky. I believe that could really help you exponetially to get over the inadequacy that you feel. A licensed therapist will help you change your negative thought pattern and forgive yourself for any imperfections you had/have. But if money is tight, you have to make a conscious effort to do this on your own. You have to recognize that you are a human, and as part of nature, you will not be perfect, you will not always succeed, but the truth of your character comes out of being able to pick yourself up and try again. Determination, drive... these are innate in you.

You were overweight as a teen. That doesn't mean you were a 'bad' person, that doesn't mean you were 'less worthy' - nor does it mean any of that for you now. You're a lovely, active, intelligent, successful, interesting person. Your weight now or in your teen years has no bearing on this. I'm sure you know all that, logically... but the trick is getting this to stick in your mind when you start going into mentally self-flagellation mode. Pay attention to when you start thinking those negative thoughts about your self-worth. Do you notice any patterns? Any common demonitors there for when and why you're getting down on yourself? Start becoming conscious of those triggers.

And for every negative thought about yourself that crosses your mind, come up with 2 positive thoughts to counteract.

ky: I was a fat kid. Ugly duckling. There are better people out there than me. I'm not worthy of being loved.

...**oops - negative thinking** take a step back, clear your mind, and focus...

ky: Now now.. none of that is true. You were overweight, but with the discipline and dedication ingrained in myself I overcame that. I'm beautiful inside and out. I have drive and vision. I'm motivated for success. I have a fantastic boyfriend who loves me, he chose ME. I know I deserve all the blessings I have received in life. I am a good, no wait, a GREAT person!

[Ashlee T.]

I think it's more than letting the "fat" you go. I'm not trying to minimize that part of it because I understand that is a factor. But I think it's that you have consistently experienced relationships in which men disappointed you. I was never overweight, yet I experience these similar feelings at times. Almost like waiting for the ball to drop...."I know it's gonna happen sooner or later, so I'm gonna make it happen sooner rather than later", subconsciously of course. You have experienced several relationships in which the men gave you the stability of a relationship, but there was more to it, there were part of those men you didn't know, and their true selves eventually came out leaving you disappointed, betrayed, deceived, feeling like a fool. You just don't want to be fooled again.

Frankly, you're absolutely gorgeous. Stunning even. I know you don't see yourself that way, we never do see ourselves the way others do. But it doesn't make it any less true. It's going to take a man with whom you can sit down and show your "fat" pictures to and say "This is me. This IS me. Even today. I am still that girl with that same heart. And sometimes I still struggle with my self image. I don't expect you to relate, but I want you to understand." Because it is still you. YOur weight, even then, did not define who you were. And it doesn't now either. Same girl. Same heart. Same spirit. Why try to get rid of her? Think of it like a piece of restored furniture. The character of the furniture, it's story, its spirit never changes. But somewhere along the lines, it gets restored and now it's outside beauty matches its inside beauty. But it still is and always will be, the same piece of furniture it has always been. Embrace the "fat" you, because she has proven herself to be beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, successful, loving. Cut her some slack.

[kygirl]

You have experienced several relationships in which the men gave you the stability of a relationship, but there was more to it, there were part of those men you didn't know, and their true selves eventually came out leaving you disappointed, betrayed, deceived, feeling like a fool. You just don't want to be fooled again.

BD,

First of all, thank you for the nice comments That was really sweet and made me smile.

I think you're right to some extent. A lot of it does probably tie in with the relationships. I mean, to some extent, I think at times, I blame myself. It's not that I needed to stay in those relationships when I found certain things out, but I guess to some extent, I fault myself for not realizing sooner. Then I guess you blame yourself for attracting losers for so long

I have no reason to believe my BF now is anything like those people. He's been honest with me (sometimes too honest lol) about everything we've discussed. He tells me exactly what he thinks, and he's let me know that he obviously cares about me. But sometimes it's so easy to read something into the slightest thing. Maybe some of that is because I feel like I missed things before or didn't want to see them. Some of that also probably comes with age and being to the point that I don't want to deal with BS and games anymore and would rather someone leave than waste my time.

I don't think my BF now is anything like those other people. I know he's had his ups and downs, his failures, his hurts. I think we are both hesitant at time out of fear of reliving those moments. If anything, we're really alike in that regard. I guess you just get to the point where you start to think it's you. Where you start to feel like if you were just more or something that it'd work out, that it'd come together. The closer he and I get the more the fear creeps in. It's one thing when you can keep someone at a distance, but when you are sharing intimate details and so much of your time and lives together, you realize what there is to lose. At the same time, I don't want to let my fears cause myself to cause problems that don't exist. And a lot of my worrying stems from things that don't even exist. I try to reassure myself at times, but I get so aggravated with myself. I want to not worry about it, I want it to not even come up, but now I've let this amazing man into my life, and part of me is afraid that the more he gets to know me, the more he may want to leave. (be that irrational or not)

[kygirl]

KM, You're right. I do notice triggers. When I am stressed about out things that I have no control over, I find I tend to turn the focus on myself. I am sure there are ways I could do that positively and I do some like working out more, learning new things, etc, but I find that a lot of times it's easier to fall into the routine of being hard on myself. I know I've got to get over it and lord knows, I thought that when I got older, it'd just naturally happen. I'm not sure why I believed that, but I always kind of thought when I got older, I'd stop comparing myself to others so much. I honestly think it may have gotten worse because now I do have small wrinkles starting and gravity is slowly beginning to take effect lol

I like who I am as a person. I love that I'm smart, that I'm sarcastic, ambitious, etc. I dont' know why I can't let it go that I don't have to be everything all the time. Maybe if I can figure that out, it might help me work through things.

I've grown a lot the last 2 years as a person, but the insecurities are still very much there.

[LanaBear]

Ooohhh... You have no idea how much I relate to you on this. I've lost over 100 pounds from my heaviest. I still go through an incredible mental mind screw. I look in the mirror and see the "old" me, not the woman I am today, not every time, but more often than I'd like to admit. Yet, sometimes I look in the mirror and see me, as me and couldn't be happier. I still have those insecurities. It's a tough tough road to get through. I'm right there with you. I work out, work my butt off and that helps because I see and have seen the rewards from it.

I wish I had some good advice, but just try not to focus on it, you are amazing and look amazing! I know it is hard though. I have some insecurities regarding it, you would think they would all go away but they don't, but I try really hard to look past them. My biggest fault right now, I'll come downstairs wearing something and my hubby goes "Oh my God, you look hot." It takes everything in my power not to go upstairs and change into something else at times. I must give him a panicked look some times because he'll ask, what? I say, lol, don't say that, I'll go upstairs and change. He responds with, "Don't you dare!" LOL

I feel you, if you need to vent and want to talk to someone that can relate, you know how to reach me. *hugs*

[Texinator]

Maybe because I'm a man and society thinks it'd be alright if I were to run around bald, with a beer gut, scratching myself, while women are supposed to be blonde haired, blue eyed, big busted, flat abbed, barbie dolls with small rears and long, slender legs, it's easy for me to say this, but I don't think weight matters any beyond your health. If your weight isn't causing any health issues, then it shouldn't matter what size your are, because whether you're underweight, the ideal weight, or overweight, you're still the same person with the same personality, intelligence, and value. Yes, I know society sets some rather stupid standards sometimes, but I think anyone who honestly wants to judge your value as a human being based on the size of any part of your body, can go and, uh, fornicate themselves.

[kygirl]

Maybe because I'm a man and society thinks it'd be alright if I were to run around bald, with a beer gut, scratching myself, while women are supposed to be blonde haired, blue eyed, big busted, flat abbed, barbie dolls with small rears and long, slender legs, it's easy for me to say this, but I don't think weight matters any beyond your health. If your weight isn't causing any health issues, then it shouldn't matter what size your are, because whether you're underweight, the ideal weight, or overweight, you're still the same person with the same personality, intelligence, and value. Yes, I know society sets some rather stupid standards sometimes, but I think anyone who honestly wants to judge your value as a human being based on the size of any part of your body, can go and, uh, fornicate themselves.

I wish it were that easy to feel that way as a woman Tex I mean, part of the weight thing is definitely health and fitting into my clothes But I think society does expect more out of women. I mean, obviously my BF loves me and he doesn't ever say anything that makes me feel like he thinks he'd love me more if I lost 10 lbs, but I do feel like I'd feel more secure if I did lost 10 lbs. At least that is what my mind tells me. Does that change who I am? No, it shouldn't at all, but it does do wonders for my confidence level, which in turn reflects on lots of other things.

It's not so much that I feel like I care what every other person on the face of the planet thinks, but part of me feels that by not looking my best, I am letting him down bc I want to look good for him. I want to be that girl that he's proud to show off to his friends. (and again, let me reiterate, that he has proudly introduced me to all of his friends so he has in NO way made me feel this way, it's just a me thing)