[drock]

I've been together with my boyfriend for 19 months. He is my first relationship, and I am his second. I love him dearly and he is an amazing guy, but I cannot stop....obsessing, so to speak, over his ex. First off, I think I've got to admit that I lack self esteem and I'm sadly very insecure, so I'm thinking that the main issue with this is just all me.

Almost 7 months into our relationship was my birthday. Shortly prior to this was the first time we exchanged "I love you's" so I was all in bliss. I had his phone (mine at the time was kaput) to text a few of my friends to let them know where we were for my birthday night. Then I noticed he invited his ex out that night. I was shaken up and extremely upset over this, but didn't mention it to my boyfriend til a few months later. He said that he didn't think it'd be a bad idea, he just kind of wanted to have someone he knew around. But the thing is, they never talk otherwise. He apologized for the whole ordeal but it still upsets me to this day.

I'd like for the ex to be out of the picture completely, but the thing is, they have too many mutual friends. That's how they started dating in the first place. They sort of remained friends after the breakup, but only really because of the mutual friends they have. But they're not the greatest of friends. Whenever her name gets brought up somehow when we're hanging out with my boyfriend's friends, my heart beats so much faster and I just feel so uncomfortable.

I keep comparing myself to her and I cannot stop it. I worry that my boyfriend's sister's like the ex more than me (they seem to have been fairly decent friends and pretty close. There are a few pictures on facebook of the ex and my boyfriend's sisters where they're out having fun and huggy and such. I don't have that relationship with them. I'm extremely shy and haven't really opened up to them too much. Plus, they both live in a different city than me... But that was the case for the ex, too, so...) And I worry that my boyfriend's friends don't like me because I'm so shy and I don't actually get to hang out with them much because this is a long distance relationship.

Earlier this year, my boyfriend and I and a couple of his friends went to Mexico. Of course, one of those "friends" was the ex. I tried to get past my insecurity issues and get to know her and possibly be friends, but I just couldn't do it. She's a nice girl, but I still can't help feel completely uncomfortable and jealous around her. I kept thinking that everyone else likes her better because she's more outgoing, more pretty, etc etc etc. And I felt it was all true because she can talk to anybody and make friends instantly, whereas I barely talked at all.

I think it's nearly a miracle that my boyfriend stays with me despite my insecurities. I don't talk about this whole issue much with him, because he gets rather annoyed whenever I bring it up. He's told me multiple times that he has no feelings for her, that he loves me and I have no reason to worry. Like, there's a reason why he's with me now and not her. I know he loves me. But for some reason I still can't stop "obsessing" over her. Is there anything I can do? I guess I should work on my insecurity and lack of self esteem issues, but I just don't know how. I want to get over everything, but it's still teasing my mind on a very regular basis.

[kygirl]

D,

We all have insecurities at times. I think most people tend to feel a twinge of jealousy when thinking about your SO being with someone else. You have to remember though, that if you dwell on those insecurities, it's going to drive you crazy. I don't know how old you are and that honestly might add some clarity for me, but either way, you have to focus on what you all have. The lucky thing for you is that you don't have past relationships to bring baggage along with you, but you do have this insecurity. He says he loves you, wants to be with you, etc. You are going to have to trust in that. Obviously, he's not going to drop an entire set of friends. Also, even though he understands the insecurities now, if you keep on with the same things, you will end up pushing him away. A lot of people have SOs in their past, and you have to learn that obviously there was a reason it didn't work and he is with YOU now.

When those fears creep up, just remind yourself that you're the one with the guy, and push them to the side! Then, maybe try to get to where those fears are coming from. That is the only way you'll ever truly get over it.

[drock]

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it.

I just turned 22 (which seems a bit embarrassing, I feel like I shouldn't be as insecure as I am) and my boyfriend will be 26 next month.

[-Kya-]

Your not the only one with a tonne of insecurities - im exactly the same and im 25 (so you would have thought id have some control over them ha!) Some days im that bad that I dont even want to watch movies with him incase there is a hot girl in it, and dont even get me started on if he even briefly looks at another girl when we are walking through town! ha! Although when i do sit back and think that he chose me instead of the billions of other girls he could have picked, it leaves me feeling very special. But dont think for a second that you are the only one with crazy thoughts - because your not!

I dont think i would appreciate very much if my boyfriend would be bringing his mates on nights out or holidays and such. I would feel totally insecure aswell i would have thought. Its good that you have spoken to him about it - really positive that you can speak to your guy about things like that and feel comfortable in doing that. Maybe suggests holidays or weekend breaks away for just he two of you? no one else - have some proper quality time together. Will help you realise that he only wants you and wants to spend time with you and just you.

As ifor the shyness - you will get more involved with your guys family in time. It took me a while as i was a bit apprehensive at first. Try to relax and to just realise that they are just people at the end of the day. Legs up to their butts just like you (as my mum would say!)

[kygirl]

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it.

I just turned 22 (which seems a bit embarrassing, I feel like I shouldn't be as insecure as I am) and my boyfriend will be 26 next month.

D, I just turned 30 this month and *I* still have insecurities. Honestly, I don't know that they ever go away a 100% and if someone says they have, then I am guessing they are in the minority. We all have things that trigger us to feel uncomfortable or a little bit less secure in ourselves. I think the thing you learn as you get older is how to try to start managing those insecurities so that you they do not control you.

I'm not saying that is an easy process. Sometimes, even now, I let my fears get the best of me, but you want to make sure that you are not letting fears over things that you either 1) cannot control or 2) may not be as bad as you think ruin the times that you and your boyfriend have. I think the best line of defense is to not let yourself dwell on it. When you start to catch yourself thinking about his exes, just remember (as many times as you have to tell yourself) that there is a REASON why he's not with them. We all grow and move on. Just enjoy your man and be good to yourself!

[Calicorado83]

Girlie, it is completely normal for you to feel uncomfortable whenever he or any of his friends mentions her. It's completely normal for you to feel insecure about this. It's completely normal to feel like you can't possibly live up to being the kind of person YOU THINK SHE IS. I capitalized those words because I just want you to keep that in mind, that your mind creates those insecurities because you have this IDEA of who you think she really is. You have this idea of how you think your boyfriend and her had their relationship. But it's completely normal. And I'm going to tell you this because I, myself, am in a similar situation. I mean, I feel the same way you do about my bf's ex. And no matter what I try to tell myself to make it better, nothing helps.

I'm 22 also, so kudos to us =)

I understand you completely. My situation is a little different because the ex of my bf is the mother of his first son...and so she will never ever go away. I feel a twinge of jealousy or insecurities a lot because there have been moments when he has said he thought she was attractive. (He told me when we first got together that the kind of girls he thinks are super hot have dark hair and olive skin...guess what my bf's ex looks like? YEAH!) There are pictures he has of her with his son...he says the one thing he misses most about her is the way she cooks (and I could never compare to that! I am a terrible cook because I never had anyone to teach me growing up!) He calls her all kinds of names and swears he hates her, but there's something about her that still makes me insecure. He told me once that he had gotten her an engagement ring...THAT hurt. He and I have talked about marriage, but knowing there is someone else in his life who he has felt the same way about just HURTS. He is the first guy I have ever thought about marrying, but I am not the first girl for him. And it's not his fault, the past is the past and can't be changed. But it's not my fault either for feeling that way, so I don't beat myself up over it. Nor should you about your situation!!

And KYA, that is HILARIOUS that you said that about feeling insecure about hot girls in movies! ME TOO!! =) I hate when we're watching a movie and there is a sex scene, or big boobies on the screen, or a nice set of cheeks walk by the camera....UGH!!! Talk about running to look in the mirror afterwards! HAha!! But it's normal. So I just shrug it off and live it up when my favorite hunk of muscle comes on screen and he has to watch me go goo goo over him. Hee Hee!

And Drock, one more thing: It is admirable to hear you say that you know it's probably just you and your own insecurities...It is admirable to hear you say that you put in an effort to get to know the ex when you had the chance. That's what makes it all even more normal, and that's what's going to make it even more easy for you to accept yourself and easier for you to get over. You are totally worth loving. No wonder your bf is with you.

[stressed]

I see quite much about "his friends" going on. What about your friends? Do they like him? Have you done anything with him and your friends? It makes sense that you won't feel that comfortable with his friends when you don't see them often, let alone his ex. He must know all of them for several years, they can be comfortable with each other, talk more, they know how the other is like, but you're only beginning to learn about them, it takes time.

As for the ex, since if she's so important to this group you can let her be, you don't have to become best friends or anything, just tolerate/accept her when she's around. He won't be thinking about her on the way back, that's for sure. BUT, like Kya said, you have to spend time doing things together without any friends involved too. This insecurity can also derive from him doing more things as a group than with you alone.

Sisters can be a pain in the butt, just like in your case, and hang with the ex more than you (been there before), but they do so because they match better as people, not because they dislike you or don't want to be close to you. You can't and shouldn't change your personality, you are who you are, your boyfriend loves you for who you are, and it's not worth worrying over a few people who're different to you. They're just different, no better or worse.

In relationships we often have to tolerate situations and people we'd rather not be around, but we do that for the sake of our partner (within reasonable limits of course). You don't have to love his friends or become a friend of his ex, nobody would expect that from you, but you can try to enjoy yourself when she's in the group, or when others talk about her. Also, do try to involve your own friends more, as so far it sounds rather one-sided when it comes to friends and you need to have your own friends to hang out with too.

[Elanor-Jane]

yeah thatd me off. i had to deal with my bfs ex being around alot up until recently. im just not going to put myself in that picture anymore. as much as we try to be adults about certain situations sometimes i just dont WANT to hang out with the woman my bf used to screw. his bits may be touching mine now but they used to touch hers! HAHAHAHA i think we have natural reservations and instincts for a reason and not everything can be put down to insecurities. often these feelings make us feel like were being crazy irrational and insecure but i think biology gave us inbulit mechanisms so we could make sure that guy protects our babies and land, not someone elses! if its getting to u that much tell him again. dont let yourself be brushed off because your quiet.

[drock]

Thank you all for your words of support and advice! I appreciate it!

And Drock, one more thing: It is admirable to hear you say that you know it's probably just you and your own insecurities...It is admirable to hear you say that you put in an effort to get to know the ex when you had the chance. That's what makes it all even more normal, and that's what's going to make it even more easy for you to accept yourself and easier for you to get over. You are totally worth loving. No wonder your bf is with you.

Oh, my! Thank you so much! That is very kind of you.

I see quite much about "his friends" going on. What about your friends? Do they like him? Have you done anything with him and your friends?

Sorry to have been misleading. We actually do hang out with my friends, too. Probably a bit more than his friends. My two besties do like my boyfriend and are fairly good friends with him now.


Thank you all again for your help

[-Kya-]

And KYA, that is HILARIOUS that you said that about feeling insecure about hot girls in movies! ME TOO!! =) I hate when we're watching a movie and there is a sex scene, or big boobies on the screen, or a nice set of cheeks walk by the camera....UGH!!! Talk about running to look in the mirror afterwards! HAha!! But it's normal. So I just shrug it off and live it up when my favorite hunk of muscle comes on screen and he has to watch me go goo goo over him. Hee Hee!

pheeew im not the only one! Theres nothing more annoying then seeing an 'up skirt' shot or a well toned body wrapped around a pole wearing next to nothing! ha!