[sharo]

Hi All,

I really need some advice and found this website so hoping some one can help.

My husband who i hav been with the last 10 years has just left. He had an affair 4 months ago and when i found out he cried and begged for us not to finish. I finally gave in and we have been trying to put it behind us. However he came into contact with this woman 2 week ago and did not tell me until a reciept for coffee fell out of his pocket and it was coffee with her. He told me he met her by accident and he told her we were making our marriage work and they both said goodbye.

However a week ago today i followed him from work and he picked her up from a nightclub and dropped her home, he nearly died when i pulled up beside him. he said he was just giving her a lift and that was all but all broke loose. He came back took his clothes and left.

I am beyond devastated at this point, i truly believed we were trying to repair our marriage and was doing my best. I have done everything for this man for the last 10 years running just short of taking him to the bathroom. we have no children but she has a 5 year old.

i found out today that her family wont have anything to do with her and she is moving in with him today.

problem is im so down now , i cant eat cant sleep and cant stop thinking about him. the problem is we have a business together so will have to see each other at least once a week. I cant believe he can do this. Im crying when i dont want to be but cant help it. I cant believe all our future plans have gone.

if anyone out there has had a similar experience and has any advice on just how to get through the day i could use some help. in the meantime i have to find a way to get ot of bed and go on with each day.

thanks for letting me share.

[Ashlee T.]

*Hugs* to you. Being deceived by someone you love is some of the worst pain ever. There is often a conflict between the man you marry, the man you "thought" you were with, versus the man you are truly with. For many women, they are two totally different men. I think we have a tendency to paint a picture in our minds based on how they treated us right in the beginning, and we have a hard time letting that go even if we've just spent the last 5 years in a trouble marriage with them. Once you realize that reality is, this man is not the person you fell in love with, he is not the same many anymore, and in your eyes he will never be....you will stop longing for what once was, and start to move forward. You've just got to give yourself time. Not only do you have to heal from the cheating and the leaving, but from the last 4-5 months of worry and lack of trust that you've been feeling. It's a miserable life to be with someone whom you can't trust. He will probably do everything in his power to blame you for this, so be prepared for that and don't take it personally. It's not about you.

Do you have family and friends nearby? Tell your closest friend, "I need you to be here. I need you to make me get out of bed on the days I refuse to. I need you to help me get through this."

In your happy times in life, what kinds of things did you enjoy doing on your own? Before you met him? Do you craft? Read? Write? Paint? Run? etc etc. Think of things that make you feel good and do them even if they don't sound good right now.

It will take time, it's a grieving process. He did you a favor by leaving. He's a cheater. He's dishonest, doesn't respect you, doesn't love you like you deserve to be loved. If he hadn't left, you would have probably stayed, again....even though you knew he was cheating. You then become a doormat, a miserable doormat. Thank goodness he's gone hun. I know it doesn't feel that way in the moment, but soon enough, you'll be saying "Thank goodness he's gone". You deserve so much better.

[sharo]

It will take time, it's a grieving process. He did you a favor by leaving. He's a cheater. He's dishonest, doesn't respect you, doesn't love you like you deserve to be loved. If he hadn't left, you would have probably stayed, again....even though you knew he was cheating. You then become a doormat, a miserable doormat. Thank goodness he's gone hun. I know it doesn't feel that way in the moment, but soon enough, you'll be saying "Thank goodness he's gone". You deserve so much better.

your so right about the above and he is actually saying it is my fault but not giving any reasons.
I just wish even after the last week i didnt miss him sooo much

[Ashlee T.]

Ultimately, what's hurting you is the feeling of being rejected. "Why wasn't I good enough?" "Why does he want her and not me?" "What is it about her that makes her better?". Feeling rejected is sooo painful and creates so many emotions. You feel like you lost, like she won. That's just your ego playing tricks on you.

Suffer through it, pick yourself up, and remind yourself that there is someone out there in the world SO much better suited for you.

[sharo]

you are right and i have cut contact with him as much as i can as he still wants to go the gym beside our house (even though he is staying 40 mins away) and know what i am doing, he got annoyed when he heard i was going out with friends.

i know in my heart he does not deserve me and i just cant wait unless the feelings i have for him lessen a lot.

[Elanor-Jane]

god this is awful, and even though we know certain men and situations are bad for us we find it so hard to leave, or heal when they leave. the best revenge is living well!!!
if hes annoyed by u going out he sounds like a prick, and doesnt even want u to be happy!!!! he wanted to stay and have her at the same time. the only reason he left was because he got caught and he would be reeling!!!

he did u a massive favour, or you did by being onto it enough to follow him. hate sounding like an episode of my name is earl, but he will get his, and you will get yours karma will catch up with him.

[sharo]

thanks Elanor,

you to are right, i know he is playing games. i really think he is rying to mess with my head, he called today for something to do with work and was so nice but he didnt need to call he could have text, then he said u never know what will hapen with us in the future.
i know i have to grow some balls so to speak, its just so hard when u still love someone but if i dont start to pull away he will have me exactly where he wants me.

[Seniora]

I've just read this. Sharo, I'm so sorry to hear about all this - but you have had the most excellent advice from the previous bloggers. Yes, you are grieving - the burial without the corpse. This must take it's toll and, from experience, there are no shortcuts. You must "do the time", but perhaps counselling will help you tread these difficult waters. It is hugely helpful to get coping strategies from professionals at times like these. I speak from experience (not of divorce, but separation years ago). I desperately needed an impartial person to listen and give an opinion and, you know, I found out that I had a problem too. So, some good can come from all of this for you because you will learn a lot about yourself and what your expectations are. And no woman should ever have to totally 'look after' a man - we are each independent people and have our own needs. How were yours being satisfied? Only you can know this. So, counselling recommended, as well as the excellent tips from the others on this forum. Good luck.