[Calicorado83]

Again, I am just venting here. I just got into an argument with the boyfriend and I am in a position in my life where I don't have friends I can just call on the phone and tell these things to. So, this is where this forum comes in. A place to get my issues off my chest, sort my thoughts, cool down before I try to jump back in the cage with him about the issue.

It started off last night over something financial. I am completely broke right now and because I just started a new job, I won't get a paycheck for another week. On top of that, I have a car payment every two weeks. I have one car payment that is already late, and one due shortly after I get paid.

Erick just lent me two-hundred dollars (trying to be the nice guy and help me out) When I told him that I had two car payments due shortly after my first paycheck, he got mad, pretty much feeling like I was putting him 2nd on my list of priorities and my car payment first. He was expecting me to pay him back first and foremost after I got paid before I tackled any of my own bills. The little problem was that my first paycheck wasn't going to be enough to cover both late car payments.

Makes me wonder why he would loan me the money in the first place if I couldn't use it for what I needed. I gave him a hundred back so I wouldn't be in too much debt to him, seeing as how loaning me the money in the first place was such a big deal...I'd rather be broker than broke than listen to him whine about it.

But he did make me feel completely terrible because I choose to make my car payments MY priority, before rent, before electric, before anything else. He chooses to make rent his priority. (He doesn't have a car payment, so I can see why. Also, we share rent) So he feels that when I make my car payments priority over rent, that I put him on the back burner when he has to cover any part of mine.

My dilemma is that I am behind with having started a new job. I also don't make as much money as he does, and I have a $200 car payment every two weeks!! So when one car payment is late, it gets pushed aside until my next car payment, doubling the payment and making it that much harder for me to catch up!! If I don't pay my car payments on time, I am at risk for having my car repossessed and I CANNOT be without a car. My job is 45 minutes away, and I am 7 months pregnant...I just can't risk it!!

So, I figured out a plan. I sat down, figured out how much money I'd have coming in and going out in the next four months. I pretty much have this plan on how I am going to catch up on bills and GET AHEAD on payments. I will be broke as a joke for a long time, but if I can get AHEAD on payments, then I will have less to worry about. This plan included me cutting out some bills that were less of a priority, such as phone and car insurance. (I know, car insurance less a priority, thats taking a risk...) But sometimes you get pushed into a corner, you gotta do what you gotta do!!

He calls me up and tells me he is going to get a new phone but he can get two for a better deal and asks me if I want a new phone. I tell him I can't afford a new phone, I actually have to cut my phone out of my budget for the next few months to catch up on other things.

WHY ON EARTH is he going to gripe me out, make me feel bad then ask me if I want a new phone??

So he calls me back and tells me he will get me the phone and pay for it until after the baby is born. My instinct is to refuse the phone altogether. I don't appreciate him stressing me out, putting burden on me, making me feel bad and then come at me with a new phone. I know the only reason he is getting me the phone is because HE wants a new one and its a better deal for him to get two instead of one. It's not about him being sorry for causing a mess between us. It's not about him trying to be nice and make sure I have a phone during this really hard time in my life where I am going to be struggling financially. NO. It's about him wanting something brand new...

What ****es me off the most is that he complains about being put on this "back burner" but then runs off and gets new gadgets and justifies it by saying he deserves it. He works so hard, he deserves a new 55" 3D TV...he deserves a smart phone.

Then here I am struggling with money, trying to get on my own two feet. He offers me a loan of two-hundred dollars (I don't ask for it) and then gets mad at me for telling him I was going to pay my car payment first before I paid him back. So now, I have to pay him first, have my car payments not only go late, but pile up so that I can pay him back, and I have to go without things I want and need while he runs out and gets himself all these new toys.

And whose really on the back burner? He stresses me out because I feel already burdened by so many other things, my pregnancy and all that goes with it, and now this financial . I have to struggle and go without and push back whats important to me (making sure my car payments are staying caught up) for months while he lives it up because he "deserves it". It almost makes me feel like he demands this money back so that he can continue to live with the things he wants.

And to make things worse, I figured out that by the end of my four-month plan to get caught up on finances, I will be delivering OUR baby. That will put me out of work for at least a month. Then, I will just be behind on everything again =(

I wish he would understand my stress in all of this.

[stressed]

I don't know if this is common in USA, but isn't $400 a month too much for a car? Maybe you could find something more affordable or borrow somebody's car until you give birth and can use a different means of transportation afterwards? Maybe somebody can drive you to work, like a colleague? Reasonably speaking, the rent should go before the car, but I understand he makes more money than you and he could support you more efficiently.

But I don't understand this financial distance between the two of you, when you're expecting a baby you're going to raise together. There should be more "together" in your relationship than "mine and yours". You're going to raise a baby together and you'll have equal responsibilities. Dealing with finances is a huge part of raising a child and it's time you both handle this as a "family" than "me and you and a child involved".

[Claret]

$400 a month is not a lot of money for a car payment here in Canada. Depending upon the price of the car, the amount of the deposit, interest rate, length of time to pay it off I'd say $400 is on the lesser side.

Paying any less would mean you probably would take at least 7 years to pay the darn thing off. This is assuming it was a new car and an average priced car at that.

To the OP Somiticpit -- have you considered going to the bank and asking for some type of consolidation loan, (cars, overdue credit card, bills etc) and pay them off, starting over with a clean slate. Your monthly payments on a personal loan and interest rate is very often less than the interest rate on a car loan. Just saying . . . you may have options.

On another note, most lending institutions are good if you contact them and ask for an extension of your loan payment. Sometimes they will even grant you an interest only payment for a period of time, or excuse a payment for a set period of time and just putting an extension on the length of your term.

[rosekitten]

My car payment is only $219... and that's a 4 year loan (which will be paid off in less than 1). A $400 payment is outrageous if you're broke (I actually think car payments are ridiculous, period, but my husband got the original loan before we got married lol). I have a *really* nice Ford Escape, 2006, fully loaded that I just bought and has that payment attached to it. $400 payments usually go to new cars, which are just... a waste of money. But, that's a different rant.

As a side note: Look up Dave Ramsey on google. If you want one of his books, let me know and I'll mail you one (no charge). I bought a bunch during Christmas and have been giving them out to those that want them. You can also find him on Facebook, but mostly it's just those of us who have worked his program, and we advise and support others.

Insurance is not something you want to be with out. Search around for a different company, readjust your options on it, do something, but do not get rid of insurance. If you get in an accident and don't have insurance you can go to jail, or at the very least get hit with a massive fine. It is not a good idea. If you're at fault, and the other person/people are injured, you can end up being sued for 10s of thousands of dollars, and even be hit with a felony charge (happened to a friend). Prioritize: food, shelter, transportation, and necessary clothing (like for work) . Your boyfriend should be helping with more than just rent if you two are a couple, and intend to raise this child together. As was mentioned before, it's not about you, him, and the baby (individually), but you (as a family). I kind of understand his point of view, and would have been more sympathetic when I was 20. You two aren't married, which means it would probably not be a good idea to fully merge your bank accounts, but it needs to be more than just "this is my money, you go get your own." Any "loans" should have clear terms. I personally don't loan money to friends and family, but frequently gift it (or buy what they need) to help, because I love them. It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to have a very long (calm) talk about finances, what you need from him, what you expect, and, quite frankly, if he's going to continue to watch you drown in your financial mess while you try to raise your child. Does he currently help pay any of the medical bills? What about when the child is born?

Make a list of questions, and discussion topics. Bounce it here if you need to. Talk to yourself about these questions, work out how you want to phrase them. Don't try to imagine what his answers will be (I'm bad about that...), but do know where you stand on each of the issues, and be firm but not inflexible.

*another side note: I was actually more on your boyfriend's side until I read that you were having a child together. He sounds a bit like my ex-husband: unwilling to give up his "freedom" and childhood. I don't know the circumstances about your pregnancy, but he needs to step up and start helping you if you're living as a couple and planning on having a family.

[BabyGirl]

Like Stressed said, $400 a month for a car payment is really a High Payment, well unless it's a BMW or Mercedes, lol.

So on that issue, can you trade the car in ? Are you through a Bank, Dealership or Private Car lot ? Either way, they definitely should work with you on getting something that is affordable and Safe for you & Baby.

I agree you do need a Car. Not only for work, but for Dr's appointments. But $400 is way too much IMO. How will you pay that Car payment after the Baby is Born ? Repossession is so Horrible on your Credit Score and Record. And Does Not go away easily.

On the Rent and other stuff, if Living together, he should be at least willing to help the Mother of His Child, at least have Transportation to and from a Dr's Appt, to and from Work. So IMO, he should help you Find a Car you can Afford, Maybe cover the rent a month or so, to ensure his Child has a home to come to when Born.

I do wonder though, with him Knowing you haven't any Money until the Paycheck comes in from your New Job and him offering to loan you the money, just why he expects it back on the first check ?

This does not sound like ( as Stressed said ) a WE situation. If as you say, he has more Money than you, that to me is not an issue or reason he should loan money to you. Though it would seem , to me, that he would want the Best for you ( his Woman) and his upcoming Child.

When Your/ His child is born, is he going to let it go without Diapers or Food or Medical or Clothes ? Is He willing to Support you and the Child So you can stay home with it ?

Or would he rather have you work also and pitch into the Future and Well being of the Child ? Daycare or Babysitters and all that goes with you being a Working Mother and him Being a Working Father ?

Why I am asking this is Because, as Stressed said, It seems a You / Me situation, not an Ours or We one.

From what you have said, if you have no car, you cannot make it to work. Therefore you will soon have no Job, which will mean No Money, for rent, bills, food, car payment, gas to go to Dr's.

He will actually have to support you Fully and Baby Fully, If you two are going to stay together. Anyway you look at this, he and you need to understand that the Health and Well being of this Child is Utmost, Yes Even before your Car payment & New Phones and Big Tv's and all the other Things ( most People think they Need ).

So a Honest Discussion is in order. Sit down and ask him ( without anger or Arguing )

Honey ..
1) Do you want me to quit working or get fired ?

2) Can you help me find a way to trade in or sell this car , as I just cannot afford it on my own ?

3) Are you willing to support me and our Baby, should I lose my job or have no Transportation to get to work?

Take out your " Budget Plan " you have made out for the next 4 months, the one that You will be Poorer than Dirt. And share it with him.

Remember and Remind him, that these are Your Bills, your Plan on how to Break " Even ". That you can Budget, you can Plan, that you are willing to Sacrifice.

But once that Baby comes,... That is No longer Yours or His , It is both of you Sharing the responsibility. It won't ( or Shouldn't ) matter who pays the Rent, Electric, other bills.

It shouldn't matter who Buys the Diapers and Clothes or Medicines. Or will it ?

One thing I will Commend Erik on , Is the having a Car with no Payment !!

There are so many people who have a Status Symbol Car, ( not saying you have one ) But those are the ones that when they lose a job, or simply cannot afford, or have an Emergency, Flood/Earthquake/ Tornado, ETC.

They just learn to live with the Legal ( their State ) Beater, the good ole Point A to B car. And Again, I don't know what your Car is and why the payment is so high, but that is where I would start.

But you only have 2 months to go, so I would also talk about a Shared Budget plan that guarantees the child and parents as a Family.

You and he have 18 years to go with just this one child. Should he lose his job, be injured, it will be on You to support him and Visa Versa.

[Little]

How do you guys share your expenses? Do you ever pool your money? I know it sounds like a bad idea, but if you're in it for the long haul, I see no other way to do it.

What's your plan together for paying for your child's needs? The hospital bills from his birth? His pediatricians' visits? Diapers, food, etc ... you mentioned in your previous thread about baby stuff that you'd have to do this on a budget, but I have to note to you that buying smart phones and 3D TVs on a whim does NOT sound like this baby is going to be living in a BUDGET household!

Preemptively: if he's thinking YOU will be paying for everything out of YOUR pocket, (or if it ends up this way,) get gone and get yourself a lawyer. You have posted a LOT of threads about issues in this relationship, within a small amount of time, and though I'm sure we see the worst because this is your place to rant, but it's troubling.

But even in the best case scenario here where he's a standup great guy, he still needs to grow up in the relationship and money-wise. Household expenses are difficult to just split down the middle. One person makes more money, or has different ideas on how to spend it.

Personally, my husband's paycheck has been depositing into a shared checking account since 2-3 months after we started living together and LOOOOOONG before we were pregnant or married. I take care of our financial well-being and he doesn't even know how much wiggle room we have at any given moment. The last part is probably not ideal :P But having one person "in charge of" the budget has been helpful for us. We haven't separated our money in years now. There's no question of "mine" versus "ours." And it works MUCH better for us that way.

[Calicorado83]

$400 a month is really high!! And it's not even the nicest of cars. It's a 2000. What made the car payment so high is an interest rate of somewhere near 21% plus I'm paying for another car on top of this one. A little over a year ago I was driving a car that I had gotten from the same financing place, and totaled it. The only way at the time for me to fix the problem of not having a car that I had to make payments on was to go back to the same financing place and get another car, making a deal to tack the payments on to the new one, extending the bill and the time it took to pay it off. I was only paying a little over 300 and because of the wreck I got into, the price of my payments went up. At the time I was working out of town, had no one to drive me, was completely broke and so I probably ended up screwing myself altogether.

And I have thought about refinancing through a bank but all the banks I have called either raise the price, extend the payoff schedule (which is not a good idea seeing as how my car already has like 163,000 miles on it, I assume its going to break down on me anytime now) or the new rate they give me is not much of a difference. In the coming days I will be checking with credit unions in the area for I hear they give better refinancing on vehicles. I HAVE to do something!!

And stressed, you said reasonably speaking rent is more of a priority than a car payment. I say, it depends on who you ask. I was always taught that no matter what, do what you can to make the car payment because the car is whats going to get you to and from work so you can make money!! My dad always taught me that in order to build your home, you have to build your business first. Because without your business, you can't afford a home. So, making my car payments have always been THE priority. Rent of course, is a very close second.

And you can commend Erick for having the car with no payment, but let me inform you that the car was pretty much given to him by his stepfather!! He practically begged his stepfather to give him the truck, but his stepfather refused for the longest time due to some issues with Erick not being able to obtain a license because of previous felonies. Soooo, his stepfather sold the truck to ME for $10.00, wrote ME a bill of sale, and gave ME the title. I had to put the truck on my insurance and so technically, the truck is mine!! His stepfather did it that way because he wanted it to look legal on paper but he knew that I was going to let Erick drive it. He knew I had my own car and he knew we needed two vehicles so we could each get to and from work. So, more than half the reason Erick has a truck without a payment is because of me. UGH!!!

Our hospital bills for the baby are covered 100% completely with insurance as is pediatrician visits and what not for those of you who wonder about that and such. I get benefits for being part indian in my state so I have never had to pay a medical bill in my life, and this will apply to my son also who will be able to get an indian card once he is born. I also am on a food program through indian benefits to get healthy food for baby but the food options are limited to certain items and certain amounts. We are also taking a family workshop and for going to these classes voluntarily we get money for baby stuff: diapers, wipes, toys, etc.... We are also getting gas cards each time we go which help out a little but not much.

And I agree on him buying gadgets is not preparing for baby!!! He has higher phone payments now plus the addition of payments on this tv, and I mentioned that to him when he bought it, but ultimately let him make the decision to get it or not because he is a grown man and I try to give him room to make smart decsions but COME ON!!! I'd love to go get a pedi for crying out loud but I don't because not only am I broke, but we need all the money we can get for baby! And he says not to worry about it, things will work out...but I can't just think that way. I feel better when I can prepare and know how things are going to be. He thinks I'm stressing too hard or being too negative or looking at the bad side of things, but I am just trying to be realistic!

[Little]

Wow, you could have probably gotten a credit card for a better rate than 21%! I had to get an unsecured loan through my bank on my van to pay for it, but its interest rate was still in the teens. Something you should look at before you refinance your car is what kind of interest it has currently. For some loans, it doesn't matter when you pay it off, you're still paying the same amount - if you refinance that, you'll be paying interest on top of your interest. While $400/month is a large payment, you don't want to pay more interest to cut it down.

And I think you need to get realistic all up in his face. You're having a child together in a few short months. He's going to be a father (again!) and will have immediate responsibility to another human being (in his household this time!) It just blows my mind that he would spend all that money and tie himself to payments at this time.

[Calicorado83]

Yeah, the car is definitely tying me down but when I first got my car from the place I was 18 and without a whole lot of guidance on buying a car...I have almost two more years, I will just tough it out!! lol

And yeah, I thought the same...why add payments to your life when you are going to be faced with so much responsibility in such a short matter of time? Men think they know it all, and he really expects to have his tv paid off before the baby gets here. We'll see. I'm ready to prepare for my son, even if all I can put away if 40-50 a month. At least it's a start. We sat down together the day before yesterday and started to make a budget. We took my income minus my personal bills (my phone, my car, my half rent and utilities) and we took his income minus his personal bills (his phone, his tv, his half rent and utilities) then we were going to take the remaining amount (his income + my income) to use for groceries, pets, our son (our shared expenses).

I asked him how much did he want to put aside each month for his son (his first son)...and he got frustrated and said he wanted to talk about it another time because he couldn't think about everything right now.. I could see in his actions then that maybe he was coming to the realization that he wasn't making enough money for everything he wanted. He seemed upset, not at me, but maybe at himself. He didn't have much money leftover after all of his main expenses for groceries, for his sons, for entertainment, or hygiene, and all the little stuff that you don't think about that adds up...we still haven't gotten around to finishing the budget...but I hope that that was enough of a slap in the face for him to see that he isn't made of money. Time to get priorities in line.

[jns]

SP, if you two were not together, he would be paying child support for the child even if you were both sharing equal custody because he has a higher income. As far as the car, I suppose you could sell the car and make payments on the remaining debt. You then could drive your truck. If you needed collateral, you could take a loan on the truck.

It sounds like you two are roommates who having a baby together, instead of a couple working to make a good home for the baby.