[ryanmay]

this is my first thread and may be my only, i'm male (sorry for using a womans site in advance, and sorry if i'm in the wrong section) and signed up so i could post this and get some advice!

i have a problem with my girlfriend. she's the same age as me and we live around the same area but i go to boarding school so as a result i only see her on weekends cause my school runs from sunday night to saturday afternoon.
whilst at her new 6th form college she's expressed to me her curiosity for drugs (e.g. magic mushrooms, Salvia) and she has never done drugs before.
i had a terrible experience with mephadrone about 2 years ago and i havent touched drugs since and are against them, especially halocenagenes (sorry for the spelling) and i feel the only reason she wants to do it is because of this guy she's been hanging around with whos a year older and a complete hippy/drug user.
He's obviously said how great shrooms are and has therefore inticed my girlfriend into doing it, because she 'knows' him she feels comfortbale that he will look after her.
the problem i have is that she won't listen to advice i have to give her about drugs, im scared she's going well out of her depth here, that this bloke is a bad influence that she can't see and that i'm gonna come 2nd place to drugs if she gets into it...
if there's a few things ive learnt its that you HAVE to respect the drug your taking (drugs can easily go wrong) and its easy to fall in love with the effects of drugs and therefore become addicted. She has the potential to do great things, she's intelligent and beautiful and has seemed so innocent and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'i'm gonna try magic mushrooms next week with [this guy]' instantly i'm furious and kinda hurt
I also dont want to become a murderer because if he hurts her doing this i'm going to kill him!
Although this seems like our relationship has issues, it doesn't its just a phase she seems to be going through that i dont want her to get into seriously because i love her!

sorry for the essay but i had a lot to get off my chest, any advice (especially female) will be much appreciated.
Thanks.

[KMonte85]

unfortunately ryan, there's not much you can do other than let her know that love her, wish greatly that she wouldn't do drugs, and it may be a deal breaker for you (is it?)

She can make whatever decisions about recreational drug use she chooses, but she should know that it will impact your relationship and how you see her if she chooses a psychedelic experience with another man over you. If she's as serious about you as you are about her, she'll make the right choice. But also know that she might be feeling as though you're a bit hypocritical, given your own drug use in the past. You should address this when you talk to her, and let her know that one of the reasons you're so adamant that she not do drugs is because of the terrible experience you dealt with.

If she chooses to get high with this dude anyway, it is time for you to re-evaluate what you're willing to deal with in a relationship and what are your dealbreakers.

[Claret]

I am of a time when LSD was not illegal, when you could smoke a little and not be arrested so I probably am of your Mother's age. I respect your stance on drugs. I respect that you have tried them, had the fortitude to decide that they are not for you and the fact that your mind in a normal state is better than your mind in an un-normal state.

What would concern me more is the fact that you feel she is being coerced into trying these drugs. If she has been be coerced into trying these, what would she next try.

So far not much help here, but all you can reasonably do, is stand by her unless and until her drug use compromises your relationship further. You could ask for her to not use drugs in your presence, not have them on her person, buy them when you are with her etc. You do not want anything found on her that they (the police) could bounce back on you. For instance if you get stopped for a speeding ticket, etc. and they decide to search your vehicle -- you may very well be on the hook for something not of your doing.

If her drug use gets to the point where it is interferring with her life and relationships then I maybe would consider informing her parents and see how they are willing to handle things.

[Little]

I'm gonna be the odd voice out here and tell you that hallucinogenic drugs aren't that big of a deal. Do a quick google on psilocybic mushrooms and whether they're physically addictive. (They're not.) Hallucinogens are unlike other drugs, on which you can go about your life high or use them to avoid your feelings. As long as she has a "trip sitter," she will probably be fine. I do take issue with her being underaged, but I assume from her being in 6th form college (I had to look it up :P) that she's between 16-18? Her parents won't be able to stop her from this behavior for long, so telling them is a short-term fix, and one that will likely end your relationship.

However, if her use of illegal drugs is something you can't support in a relationship, you have the right to object or walk away. If you feel that she is having an inappropriately close friendship with another man, you have the right to object or walk away. But regardless of your choice, you should take a long, hard look at your feelings. I'm sure you were being flippant when you said you'd kill this "other guy," but the sentiment is WAY out of bounds. You also said you'd have to be second to drugs if she uses them, but that fails to take into account the differences between opiate use (Methadone) and hallucinogen use. It also sounds very controlling - after all, you should be coming after her family and schoolwork if you are in a healthy relationship.
As you move through the end of your teens and the beginning of adulthood, you will be learning and growing so quickly, especially as you continue in school. This will constitute changing. A woman who was your perfect pair at 16 will be an entirely different person at 18, then another different person by 21. It could be that the two of you have simply grown apart from each other and have different priorities. It may be healthiest for you to move on from this relationship in favor of one that suits you better at this point in your life, learning from your experience.

[Claret]

Little, I don't think the debate here is whether or not the drugs are of a big deal to any individual or how to safely use them, so I don't really think you are the odd voice. What is being discussed is her use of the drugs, him being anti-drug and the two of them in a relationship. If drugs are coming into any relationship then they can be a problem.

I agree with all of your statements and would urge the poster to take a long look at his relationship with this girl.

[CaliforniaRed]

Salvia may not be as safe as Little asserts

While I agree with Little that as you mature, you may simply be growing apart. I disagree with her assessment of Salvia. I understand she may have looked it up and found that it is classified as an hallucinogenic with minimal addictive potential, but I don't think you should take that as a pronouncement that it is safe.

I was trained as a clinical pharmacist. I've learned that when a drug is classified as one with comparatively less addictive potential, that by no means is an indication that it is safe to use with no addictive potential. Sometimes the emotional addiction becomes more problematic than the physical addiction.

I encourage you to have a frank discussion with your girlfriend about your feelings and concern for her welfare. If you want to continue your relationship with her, you aren't going to be in a position to dictate whether or not she uses Salvia (or anything else). As mentioned in a prior post, you absolutely can say, "I don't want that substance around me for any reason; please don't have it in your possession when we're together."

I'm wondering what it is in her life that she's trying to avoid by using an hallucinogenic. Perhaps she's not finding her studies challenging enough; or perhaps it's the reverse, she may feel overwhelmed and just wants to escape on a "trip." But, I like your stance on drugs and I hope you can find a way to have a great time with her doing healthier activities.

If you can diffuse the tension over her desire to experiment with drugs and be someone with whom she can always count on to have a great time, then perhaps she'll mature, outgrow this phase, and this "bad boy" will lose his appeal.

[ryanmay]

I just want to say that all that has been said has been taken on board but I would just like to clarify that me and my girlfriend do have a healthy relationship, we only see each other weekends which gives us the chance during the week to do our work play our sport and see our family's!
She is a very stubborn, independent woman and I trust her massively, i just don't see her reasoning behind wanting to do these drugs, physcadelic drugs may not be very addictive but they do have the potential to mess with peoples heads, and this guy is someone she trusts but as far as my experiences go, you cannot trust people who are deep in drugs and although my gf says otherwise, his intentions towards her could be completely different to what she thinks, and under the influence of the drugs who knows what could happen ( it isn't just them 2 doing it, her friends are there as well) but that is besides the point!
As like most men in a relationship, we can't ever seem to do anything right, and if I express my concern I'm being over protective, if I say nothing I don't care but it's just natural to be on the protective side especially when is spending most her college time with a druggy bloke, but of course I don't want to kill him, but I will go after him if sh*t hits the fan!
One more point about my gf, she has an awkward past which means she rarely opens up and expresses feeling, whereas I am the opposite! I will stand by her whatever she does but I just need the reassurance that it's just gonna be a one time event and not regular, but it's hard because she hardly Texts me either when I'm at school!

[KMonte85]

You see each other minimally and she barely texts you.

She's hanging out with a hippy/druggy as you describe him and allowing him to influence her choices more than you do.

You "can't do anything right" when it comes to telling her how you feel.

She won't open up to you about how she's feeling either.


And this is what you call healthy? Sorry to sound a bit judgmental, but no... there's a disconnect here. Major lack of communication. Not saying that the good times don't outweigh the bad, but if this is a relationship you intend to keep, these are issues that need to be addresses because they can and will tear couples apart.

So you've come to the conclusion that her drug use will not end your relationship if it is just a one-time, non-regular thing. That's good - one boundary is drawn. So, what if it isn't a one-time thing? What if she's not willing to give you that reassurance because of the stubborn, independant, non-expressive person she is? What if something inappropriate does happen with the hippy if/when she gets high with him? Then what?

These are all totally feasible scenarios, and if you're going to be ok with your gf doing drugs (and doing drugs in the presence if this other man), then you need to take them into consideration and let your gf know exactly what your expectations are. Don't give her ultimatums, just let her know where you're boundaries are. As independant as she may be, if she feels as strongly for you as you do for her, then she will have zero problem not crossing them.

[ryanmay]

I'm glad you brought up the boundaries area of things, of course I feel strongly about her but I'm not gonna be walked all over, and yes, this may not be a one time thing and if so then another boundary must be drawn! I'm definitely not a person to issue ultimatums, and I know it makes us sound like we're miles apart in most aspects but are weekends are always amazing without fail, even if we just lazed around for a whole day.
She isn't completely emotional 'numb' as it were, she does however find it hard to express herself because she doesn't want to be too vulnerable to me, this is something I respect, the texting situation frustrates me immensely but I was fore warned at the start of our friendship (about 2 months before going out) that she wasn't a big texter.
I believe her reasons for hanging around with this guy is because she has started a new college with new people and is sticking by the people she knows which happens to me this man, I can understand this behavior but I won't stand by and just let her do drugs just because she's curious, drugs just aren't worth the time but then the argument back to that is, I know this because of my previous engagements with a drug and this is something she must find out for herself but in all honesty it scares the absolute out of me, I think if feel more comfortable if she did it and I was there OR of course, not at all, I just don't know how to tell her all this without compromising our relationship or coming across as to controlling/protective...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If her friends are doing it as well, they liken this guy to like "in the know" are following him so to speak, like the "feeling".. That bothers me.

What if he also smokes weed and mixes the two together?

I would worry as well.. Any drug taken in-correctly, can and will cause problems.. Starting off with something you as a nieve person assumes is "soft" and "safe" may liken you to try something else, because you are "told" it's safe, or because they mix it , offer a cookie, anything can happen ..

I understand she is going through a "nifty" stage, or so she thinks, I'd suggest you point out the above to her, and hope that she sees clearly on that, in the event that something else is offered to her that she thinks is safe.

Google mixing it with other substances, effects etc.. There would also be countless of people that have "lead" and as a result the followers have suffered, not knowing what they were doing, even to death.

Not trying to scare you but maybe if you don't use "your" approach, that being how you are anti, rather use your protective side, of what to be wary of, you may at least control that side enough to keep her safe.