My fiance, who has an addiction to porn, walked out on me and I'm not coping well
My fiance and I had been together for 10 years. We had our ups and downs like any couple, but for the most part I thought we got along good.
We did quite a bit together, even worked together at a couple of jobs.
Everything wasn't always wine and roses, but I thought we were also friends.
I fell in love with him and I thought he loved me and we had been together long enough that I figured we had gotten used to one another and all the little quirks that can sometimes make or break a relationship.
There was only one thing about my now ex that continued to be a problem and actually escalated before he left, his addiction to teen porn. It has been an ongoing problem since we first got together. He knew it made me mad, hurt me and yet he just kept going back to it.
I know all men will look at it from time to time, but his was pretty constant.
Now I know a lot of those sites that advertise "teen porn" are women of legal age, although barely, who do look young or are made up to look younger. I have 2 daughters that are probably the age of some of these young porn stars and although he never made any unwanted advances towards my daughters, I always wondered if he thought of my girls in that way? It made me very uncomfortable as a parent and I told him this, but it didn't change things.
Over and over he promised to leave it alone, and each promise turned into a lie when I would find out he was at it again. I'm not a prude, I've even been known to watch some porn occasionally with the man in my life, to add some spice to our relationship. I'm not a cold fish in the bedroom either and I enjoyed sex with him.
The excuses he made were pretty pathetic, from boredom, to the last one he used when he told me he watched it because he had no imagination...? That really tore my heart out to think that he had to "imagine" these bimbos when he was trying to be intimate with me???
He had started hiding his porn addiction from me about 5 years ago, but I came across some on his computer once that he had forgotten to erase, so I put a spyware program on it, to see how much he was really watching. It was not good. I confronted him, he said he would stop, and actually quit using his computer.
As our relationship progressed, he started losing interest in me sexually. He is a Diabetic, has low testosterone and claims he started suffering from ED.
He got to where he could no longer perform in the bedroom with me, so he got a prescription for the little blue pills. Later on we got smart phones and I noticed his data usage was really high. They make an app now for these kinds of phones and so I put a tracker on his phone. Here I go again, more porn, LOTS of it.
Now all these times he couldn't get it up with me or wasn't interested in sex with me, he had been masturbating to this porn with no difficulty. That just made me feel so unattractive and unloved.
We got into another fight over it and he FINALLY said he would go get some counseling to get past that addiction. I was over the moon.
A little over a month ago he was sent out of town on a job assignment. I begged him not to go because he has an ex in that area, but he ignored me and went anyway. He came back a week later, said, "he was tired of the fight", whatever in the that meant? I did everything but get on my knees and beg him to stay. I was crying almost hysterically at times and told him anything worth having is worth fighting for. He was just so calm and detached about it all. He packed his things, loaded up our pickup, drove away, and never looked back while I stood crying my heart out in the front yard.
He went back to the town he had been working in that night and I haven't seen or heard from him since. He didn't even contact me for my birthday 2 weeks ago.
Over the years when he was between jobs, me and my daughters supported the household, and paid his bills. I have been out of work for the last few months and he had been paying some of the bills.
The day he left he had just gotten paid and he had $1200 in his bank account.
I'm unemployed, have a bunch of unpaid and over due bills and he didn't offer me 1 cent! I'm fixing to lose my house I've lived in over 20 years, my car and I will have to give up my pets when I move because most places only allow a couple.
I don't know if he found his ex or not, but I believe he has started a new life with someone else already and I am just devastated!
He still has the tracker on his one phone and although he doesn't do it as much as he once did, he still looks at the porn and it has progressed or regressed I would say to REAL younger teen porn where some of these girls look like they have just past the age of puberty.
I don't know what has happened to this guy for him to be so turned on by that kind of perversion?
As I said he doesn't do it as nearly as much as he did when he was with me, which makes me feel even lower.
I wasn't good enough or he didn't love me enough to stop doing it, but I guess the new woman in his life is so wonderful that he would do anything for her and she keeps him so happy that he no longer has a need to look at it?
I am depressed to the point of being suicidal. I know he's not worth it, but he's with someone while I'm all alone.
I have thought about contacting him several times, but I know him rejecting me a second time would drive me over the edge.
I have no friends and have tried all kinds of sites to make some, but people are just so shallow these days. No one wants to befriend someone unless they are young, skinny, and beautiful.
I don't smoke, do drugs, drink rarely, practice good hygiene, etc, but that doesn't seem to matter.
I'm not handling this break up well at all. I'm too old to start over, tired of the hurt, and too damaged to try again. That doesn't leave much left as far as a future.
I don't want to grow old alone, but it doesn't look like I have much of a choice. I always believed God would take care of me, but I feel abandoned even by Him.
I miss my ex and love him so much and yet he has already moved on. I just cannot live the rest of my life with the thought that he had forgotten me by the time he left the city limits.
We did quite a bit together, even worked together at a couple of jobs.
Everything wasn't always wine and roses, but I thought we were also friends.
I fell in love with him and I thought he loved me and we had been together long enough that I figured we had gotten used to one another and all the little quirks that can sometimes make or break a relationship.
There was only one thing about my now ex that continued to be a problem and actually escalated before he left, his addiction to teen porn. It has been an ongoing problem since we first got together. He knew it made me mad, hurt me and yet he just kept going back to it.
I know all men will look at it from time to time, but his was pretty constant.
Now I know a lot of those sites that advertise "teen porn" are women of legal age, although barely, who do look young or are made up to look younger. I have 2 daughters that are probably the age of some of these young porn stars and although he never made any unwanted advances towards my daughters, I always wondered if he thought of my girls in that way? It made me very uncomfortable as a parent and I told him this, but it didn't change things.
Over and over he promised to leave it alone, and each promise turned into a lie when I would find out he was at it again. I'm not a prude, I've even been known to watch some porn occasionally with the man in my life, to add some spice to our relationship. I'm not a cold fish in the bedroom either and I enjoyed sex with him.
The excuses he made were pretty pathetic, from boredom, to the last one he used when he told me he watched it because he had no imagination...? That really tore my heart out to think that he had to "imagine" these bimbos when he was trying to be intimate with me???
He had started hiding his porn addiction from me about 5 years ago, but I came across some on his computer once that he had forgotten to erase, so I put a spyware program on it, to see how much he was really watching. It was not good. I confronted him, he said he would stop, and actually quit using his computer.
As our relationship progressed, he started losing interest in me sexually. He is a Diabetic, has low testosterone and claims he started suffering from ED.
He got to where he could no longer perform in the bedroom with me, so he got a prescription for the little blue pills. Later on we got smart phones and I noticed his data usage was really high. They make an app now for these kinds of phones and so I put a tracker on his phone. Here I go again, more porn, LOTS of it.
Now all these times he couldn't get it up with me or wasn't interested in sex with me, he had been masturbating to this porn with no difficulty. That just made me feel so unattractive and unloved.
We got into another fight over it and he FINALLY said he would go get some counseling to get past that addiction. I was over the moon.
A little over a month ago he was sent out of town on a job assignment. I begged him not to go because he has an ex in that area, but he ignored me and went anyway. He came back a week later, said, "he was tired of the fight", whatever in the that meant? I did everything but get on my knees and beg him to stay. I was crying almost hysterically at times and told him anything worth having is worth fighting for. He was just so calm and detached about it all. He packed his things, loaded up our pickup, drove away, and never looked back while I stood crying my heart out in the front yard.
He went back to the town he had been working in that night and I haven't seen or heard from him since. He didn't even contact me for my birthday 2 weeks ago.
Over the years when he was between jobs, me and my daughters supported the household, and paid his bills. I have been out of work for the last few months and he had been paying some of the bills.
The day he left he had just gotten paid and he had $1200 in his bank account.
I'm unemployed, have a bunch of unpaid and over due bills and he didn't offer me 1 cent! I'm fixing to lose my house I've lived in over 20 years, my car and I will have to give up my pets when I move because most places only allow a couple.
I don't know if he found his ex or not, but I believe he has started a new life with someone else already and I am just devastated!
He still has the tracker on his one phone and although he doesn't do it as much as he once did, he still looks at the porn and it has progressed or regressed I would say to REAL younger teen porn where some of these girls look like they have just past the age of puberty.
I don't know what has happened to this guy for him to be so turned on by that kind of perversion?
As I said he doesn't do it as nearly as much as he did when he was with me, which makes me feel even lower.
I wasn't good enough or he didn't love me enough to stop doing it, but I guess the new woman in his life is so wonderful that he would do anything for her and she keeps him so happy that he no longer has a need to look at it?
I am depressed to the point of being suicidal. I know he's not worth it, but he's with someone while I'm all alone.
I have thought about contacting him several times, but I know him rejecting me a second time would drive me over the edge.
I have no friends and have tried all kinds of sites to make some, but people are just so shallow these days. No one wants to befriend someone unless they are young, skinny, and beautiful.
I don't smoke, do drugs, drink rarely, practice good hygiene, etc, but that doesn't seem to matter.
I'm not handling this break up well at all. I'm too old to start over, tired of the hurt, and too damaged to try again. That doesn't leave much left as far as a future.
I don't want to grow old alone, but it doesn't look like I have much of a choice. I always believed God would take care of me, but I feel abandoned even by Him.
I miss my ex and love him so much and yet he has already moved on. I just cannot live the rest of my life with the thought that he had forgotten me by the time he left the city limits.
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