[lizzardb63]

Hello,

So a little background. I have posted on here before about my friend "M" and that she started hanging out with a different girl and ever since then has changed. M and I lost touch a while back, she got very involved with a guy, had a baby with him etc. Well she became single, called me up, and we met up. Ever since then, we've been hanging out and she got to meet my fiance.

She was also such an awesome person to hang out with, fun, easy going, relaxed, happy. As I mentioned, she has started hanging out with this new friend who is kind of EMO and suicidal, depressed, and negative type and also ended up moving in with her as a roomate. Her friend randomly sleeps with men, meets them off the internet, etc and has ended up getting Chlamydia twice in 3 months. Anyway, back to my friend M. She has changed drastically since starting to hang out with this girl. She is very negative, rude, cocky, and acts like she thinks she is better than everyone else. She has had 4 different boyfriends in less than a year, and she has introduced all of them to her 3 year old son. Has last relationship ended 4 weeks ago, and she is now in a new relationship with a different guy as of today.

I asked her to be in my wedding a few months ago and I am now coming to regret it. I just feel like if she doesn't change, our relationship will not hold up for another 10 months until the wedding. I want my friend back. She says I am her best friend, but she never even MENTIONED to me that she even met someone new, let alone is now in a relationship with him. I am hurt by that. Those are things you tell your best friend.

I called her tonight to talk to her about everything, and she said she doesn't see how she has changed and doesn't know what to tell me. When I brought up her negative attitude she just said "Sorry I can't be happy all the time"... which I felt was a cop out or a way to make me feel guilty. I am just so confused by this, and am at a loss.

What do I do? Any advice would be appreciated.

[lizzardb63]

So I texted her this morning and this is how it went:

Me: I'm sorry if I upset you or made you mad last night. I understand if you don't want to be in my wedding. (I was feeling her out on this)

Her: Of course I do. One misunderstanding is not worth losing each other over. I still love you and no I have to try and change.

Me: I just want you to be you is all. I don't want to lose touch between now and the wedding, because I felt that happening.

Her: I'm sorry. I won't let that happen.

Me: WE won't let that happen.

Her: DEAL

Me: The reason we haven't come by you lately isn't because we don't like to, it's because we dont have any money to go out anywhere.

Her: I know and neither do I.

Me: And everytime you came here you said it's cuz you needed to get away from home so I never thought that you would be upset we haven't come by you lately.

Her: Cause if things ever upset me with you I just hold it in and don't tell you its bothering me cause I dont want to upset you.

Me: I'd rather you just tell me. Am I that scary? lol

Her: LOL No goofball...you're my friend and I just dont want to upset you or make you feel bad. I am sorry about everything that has been going on. I truly am.

Me: It's okay, it just worries me when a friend starts changing. I can't tell you what to do, but it sucks when things don't seem to be the same.

Her: I know I will work on it.

Me: I asked you to be in my wedding. If that doesn't say something, then I don't know what is. lol jk

Her: LOL I know...I know... I'm hot lol

Me: Oh geeze...*rolling eyes* lol


And that was the end of it. I am just still frustrated.

[KMonte85]

Why are you still frustrated, Lizz? Was there something more you wanted to tell her? Something more you wish she would have told you?

Your text conversation seems like it pretty well summed up the issues you were having with her. She apologized for everything that has been going on and said she was going to work on it. Granted, only time will tell, but this woman is your best friend, so you should at least try to give it the benefit of the doubt, right?

[lizzardb63]

I am just frustrated because I know things won't change unless she isn't around her new friend anymore. I can talk until I am blue in the face, and it probably won't change anything. We've briefly gone over this issue in the past, and it seems it's a cycle. She will be the good 'ol M that I know and its awesome, but then she will start hanging out with her one friend again and she changes all over again. I just am worried it won't ever stop. I guess, my decision is to give her her space and move on with my life. I am tired of sounding like a broken record by mentioning her behaviors revolving around her friend...and I don't think she believes me. I can just tell she puts this new friend of hers before me, which is sad, because I can see how destructive she is. I am not jealous that she has a new friend, because if her new friend was someone who was fun, and honest and a good influence, I'd try being friends too! I've made an attempt several times to get to know her new friend, to see what she sees in her...and I just can't. She's absolutely rude to my fiance whenever we have been around her and I asked my friend M what that was about and she says "She doesn't trust any men and have had only bad experiences"...so that gives her the right to insult and be rude to my fiance? Not really...especially when he's only met her and never did anything to her.

Sorry--these are just some of the reasons why I am frustrated. Perhaps no one can see where I am coming from. I am not sure.

[KMonte85]

No I totally get it now, before your last post I didn't know that this was a pattern of hers.

If two people no longer have that bond with each other, growning in opposite directions, then any close friendship will eventually end. Unfortunately, it seems like the only thing to do is to quietly let your friendship take it's course. I have had friends like this too, we were close as sisters, and bad influences changed her. She was heading in a direction of irresponsible life decisions, bad attitudes, and (I think) drugs. I was on another path - school, career, marriage, stability. We just weren't going to fit in each other's lives anymore. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, hoping it was a phase, but after over a year, it was evident to me that she had chosen her journey, and I wasn't going to be a part of it anymore. I still see her once in a while and smile say hello and move on, but her number is long-gone from my phone, and I can't say I feel great about it, but I'm not sorry either.

Out of sheer, innocent hope, you may want to hold on for a few months longer to see if she turns it around, or if her crazy, unstable emo friendship eventually fizzles out, before officially asking her to bow out of your wedding. You never know, and at least you can say you waited until the 11th hour before deciding you weren't going to give her any more chances.

[lizzardb63]

That sounds exactly...I mean EXACTLY like our friendship right now (Kinda scary how you hit the nail on the head). I just don't want to regret having her in my wedding, but I just know if I ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid, that will be the complete end to our friendship. I just have so much invested in our friendship that it would be hard to do that. She's only been hanging out with this girl since spring...I dont know who its going to end up, but like you, I am going to just see what happens. I just don't think I have the heart to kick her outta the wedding. I know she will be fine on our wedding day, but I don't want any sour feelings either or think back "I don't even know why I had her stand up"...

[KMonte85]

Time to weigh your options. Do you think the blow out from asking her to rescind her bridesmaid position in your wedding is better or worse than having her in the wedding knowing that you weren't that close anymore?

Given the history you have together, and knowing what it is to be in your position (losing a friend, and picking your wedding party) it may be good to keep her in the wedding party. If anything, as a homage to the bond you once had. She may be going down a dark path, and your friendship may end because of it, but your separate journey can NEVER take away the time you spent together, as best friends. If you think she will be fine during your big day, then keep her.

Funny, I have a guy like this in my upcoming wedding too. Was SUPER close friends with my fiance, then he just sort of fell off the face of the Earth since summer. Come to find out, he's got a new girlfiend, is engaged to this woman we've never met, and will be adopting her daughter. Yep, fiance and I are still keeping him in the wedding, full well knowing that it will probably be one of the last times we ever spend in his company.

[lizzardb63]

Well, I thought about it too, earlier today. What if things do turn around whether it be before or after the wedding? I might be making a mistake by just x ing her out of my life. What if things end horribly with this new friend (and she doesn't really have any other friends besides me, my fiance and her no found friend) and she has no one to turn to? Although, that shouldn't be a reason to hang on. She has decisions, is a grown-up and I shouldnt feel like I need to be there if/when she falls (even though that's what friends do...but in a case where the other friend is a good friend too). I will most likely still have her in the wedding. Afterall, I do have 5 other bridesmaids I can turn to about stuff, and they are all at my side and are good friends (and family for some). If it all comes down to her being a witch on my wedding day...I'll tell her to take a hike.

[KMonte85]

good for you lizz! You're being a compassionate and caring person, while still not allowing someone to walk all over you.

[lizzardb63]

Thanks for your advice. It helped a lot and makes me feel better that someone else has been through what I am going through.