[UCB]

Hello.I dont know how common is to have a guy visit this forum,but i need some advices.
I was in long distance relationship with a girl.We were friends for 4 years prior to that and we got together 9 months ago.We talked alot and we love eachother alot.Since we are 5 hours apart (im in europe,shes in south america) i started staying up all night so i could be with her.We bareley had any fights since we have similar point of views.
She was thinking on coming here to continue studies and for us to live together.
And everything was going well untill 3 weeks ago,when she told me she has to stay in her country for longer time.She also had a graduating work in making so i tried not to raise any questions,be supportive and not step on her toes.
Then one day she told me that she got out with her friends and that one of them kissed her after.I was a bit shocked,but stayed calm and didnt rage out.She said she liked it...and after that things went downhill even further.Few days after that she told me she needed time to think about it and i said i understand and did what she asked.
2 days after she contacted me and told me things are not looking good..she liked the physical contact..being with someone...that she is thinking on how she might cause him to break up with his gf...and that i was second option or just didnt fit in her life at tha time...
Obviously i got really upset and thought on what to do...i asked my friends (alot of women among them aswell) and they all told me i should break up...even tho i still love her.They were forcing me to do it...and finally i gave in...i gave her a call (i would never do it over chat,its disrespectfull at least) and told her im breaking up.

Worst part is that i still love her,some may say its not possible if you never met the person,but i know its real.I am basicly ready to do anything for us to be together,and idk how i can show that to her.I need all the help i can get right now,since im lost.
I know this is desperate move,but so am i...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know ? Firstly we have men here so don't worry about that.

Secondly I have been in your shoes and so have THOUSANDS of people.

The Internet is in some ways a way of being you in it's totality.. You share so much of "you" with so many people one day, you click with someone, they admire you or see "you" and you fall for that and feel the same back.

But, there are two problems.. One, is when you do finally meet, all the talking, even by phone as well, becomes mute, they are shy, different in person, and so, you fell in love with the persona they were able to project over the Internet... Me, I am me, full stop but this is what I found.. Or two, they can not wait.. They were lonely to start with. I know you don't want to hear that. And the constant exchanges made them feel like they were someone, and someone loved them, was in love with them and so, they became attached and started to fall too...

Ultimately though... Long distance "only " works if you can meet, and fall in love in person, face to face you already know the "inner person" via the net. And soon, after you start to fall, within 2 months at the very least.

9 months, someone else offers the same attention or attention and it's in person, the other person realises that they need more.

What this should tell you is be wary... I am so sorry your heart is broken but your friends are right.

This girl needed to be loved, needed attention, thought she was in love but ultimately the moment someone in the "real" world came along she didn't need you.

That's not what happened to me... I will always remember my "internet" boyfriend and we did meet and he lived in America and I speak or facebook his kids often and sister-in-law. But, the reality is, we can talk via the internet or phone... When we meet sometimes it is different.

I knew it was real too hun... I thought that was it... Had you had met her, you as I did, and he did, may have changed your mind and realised you weren't in love rather in love with the interaction and of needing and wanting love.

She has already moved on. It's very difficult to hang on for 10 months before meeting I know..

You are not desperate, you had something that was real as far as you both thought until one person met someone in real life and changed the whole scenario.

You need to do the same and not entertain the idea unless you can afford to fly over after 1 month, 2 months and check it out for real.

And you need to get away from the Computer and see life, feel it, breathe it, get out... And say all the things you did, all the conversations you had in the real world.

I'm sorry but like I said, I've been there...Excepting we met......You never did, had you have done so, it may not have been what you wanted after all..

You know, living with someone finding out their habits, their reality? It's different.

Take care..

Others I am sure will answer as well when they wake.

Happy New Year, smile in the knowing that she's out there, it just wasn't this person after all and you can go again and find her.

[UCB]

Thanks for the comforting words,but they have little effect right now.

We spent entire time infront of skype via web cams...we havent hid any secrets and we didnt act...and we both liked eachother the way we are...only way we would be able to get to know eachother would be to meet in person and im hoping to do so.

I have allready applied for jobs on cruise ships and such because that is only viable option for me,short of robbing a bank or wining a lottery.

And it also turns out that friend of hers does not want ot give up on his old gf so she is still alone...
We also started talking since then...we are much colder to eachother...but the way she acts,responds and all tell me she still has feelings torwards me aswell...
How to act around her now?she also knows what i want to do...i allready told her i regret what i did (and i do infact) and that i want to fix things (if possible)...
Dunno if its foolish of me to try this at all (well i guess everyone is at 21,right? ) but what else am i left with?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

QUIT the cruise and meet her find a way.

It sounds as if she believed then but you are continuing to go your way and wanting her to wait.

Love can wait.

But like I said, you have to meet first to cement that love.

Find the way.

[UCB]

I forgot to add that first plan was for her to come here.Then she wanted to pay my ticket there and meet with her and her family (i said that's ok if i repay her family the cost of the ticket).And then (when all the trouble started) she said if i want her to go and get her...Since on my current job i earn 350 € (and return ticket for one person is about 1400 + some cash for visa purposes) the only way for me to go there is to get a better job...and there are no better ones for me here so i decided to take a job on a cruise ship,work there for 3 months or so,untill i get enough money to go and meet her.
And that is keeping us apart...money...the sadddest or the worst part i guess...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well if she can not be patient? Then is she in love?

Be a man and tell her... I will do this cruise and in that we will finally be together.

See what she says.

I am now worried that she is testing your love ... don't be weak yet don't be lovey dovey. This is your ticket to meet her you can do no more than you are doing is she willing to wait?

Maybe she needs to hear why you are doing this, for her... it's not long. But don't be dramatic... in-case my first thoughts really do apply..

Happy New Year sweet.. You can not do any more

[UCB]

Thank you for the advices...I know i am doing everything i can and i will do so untill i meet her...
But with everything turning out as it did what im most worried is her...How to behave to a women in her state...i know she is very sensitive right now,trying not to be emotional and hoping to supress it.The last thing i want to do is hurt her, but i also hope she keeps her feelings torwards me.

Im sorry for giving you headaches at this time,but i honestley apreciate any effort.Thank you once again for sharing your thoughts and time with me.

[jns]

Long distance relations are not for everybody. It takes a lot of commitment to make them work. Will you two be able to continue with a LDR or will it become too hard to sustain in the future?

You did not tell about language compatibility or cultural compatibility. Both can strengthen a relationship and bot can weaken a relationship depending on the circumstances. Can you go to her country and get a job in your pursuit of her? Also, is there educational compatibility?

She seems serious if she wants you to meet her family.

Have you checked about getting a cheaper flight from a different city that you can travel to relatively cheaply? Some cities are flight hubs and are inexpensive to fly from. Europe has a good ground transportation system that could get you to such a city at a reasonable price. 1400 seems like it could be high, but it depends on the specifics.

[UCB]

We are (were) commited. I started sleeping during the afternoon, waking up at 11pm and staying up all night with her, for example.

Both of us have fluent english, our cultures and societies are not that differnet. We are both students, we are same generation, only differnece being she should graduate in 2 months and i still have 2-3 years to go due to difference in school system,and my earlier life issues.

She allready talked with some friends of mine via skype,i talked with her brother....we had no issues what so ever (few minor disputes,but those were just missunderstandings)

And in order for me to get there i need visa..and to get visa i need flight tickets,hotel reservation and some cash...and i can't afford that much with jobs that are avaiable for me here.The biggest expense is transatlantic flight,rest wouldnt be such an issue,but i cant afford and take loan or ask money from my parents (i have,and they cant spare that much from my uni fund). So only solution that came to my mind is to get some job abroad..and working on ship is my best option so far.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I can see where this is difficult.

Perhaps what she needs is "constant" which you are doing but "constant" re-assurance this is "love".

She is being "impatient" I think... But also wants that romance, find a way to get to her.. That's a tad selfish in my books but like I said, it could be that she is wanting the re-assurance of your love. She offered to pay for you to go to her, which means she can pay to come to you, but she's telling you if you want her, go to her... So this to me is suggesting she is not just emotional but wants to see you move Heaven and Earth to get to her... which isn't practical..

Does she know why you are planning the cruise and that you asked your parents for a loan, if not tell her.