[worrier]

Hi everyone,

Just to give a bit of background: I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, we live together at uni as part of a group, and our relationship is being wrecked by my insecurities, anxiety and OCD!

Basically my dilemma is that he's going away for a weekend with a uni society (which includes a lot of my friends too). The group is a bit renowned for being heavy drinkers, so the socials never go without a bit of drama (there are stories I've heard about my bf from before we got together). It should be better this year because he's a designated driver so has to be careful, but I'm still worried based on previous year's stories. There's also a girl going who has spread rumours that she was sleeping with my bf, but when confronted said it was all just a joke. However, I had decided that I wasn't going to go, because I wasn't specifically included.

Now, they need another driver and I've been asked, and I can't make up my mind. The weekend is a good two hundred miles away, so it's going to be a long drive which I'm a bit wary about. But is it stepping on my boyfriend's toes too much to go? As I said, I've got other friends going too, so it's not like I'm just tagging along, but I don't know if I'd be going for the wrong reasons because of all my worries in advance? It should be a good weekend with a couple of nights out, and a break from uni work!

Any advice anyone has would be great!

[worrier]

Sorry I think this is in the wrong place, I've posted it in the Dating forum. I don't know how to (or if I can ) delete this

[Ashlee T.]

Why wouldn't he invite you to go along with him in the first place? It sounds like he's going with mutual friends, other females will be there, so why wouldn't he WANT you to go with him?

[worrier]

I don't think it's that he doesn't want me to go, he doesn't seem to mind either way. He's not giving his opinion now, because he knows it'll make me worry more and feel like I should do the opposite (just writing that makes me sound crazy!). But yes, you make a good point. It shouldn't matter whether I go or not.

[Ashlee T.]

No it shouldn't. I don't see how going on vacation with your boyfriend and group of mutual friends could be considered stepping on his toes. He should want you to be there.

And I don't know your issues, but be careful blaming everything on yourself like you're some crazy psycho jealous girl or something. I have beat myself up over the same things before when in the end I realized that it was the way he was treating me that made me feel jealous and crazy. He wasn't giving me what I needed and as a result I was insecure. So is it your issues that are ruining the relationship, or the way you're being treated that is CAUSING your issues?

[katherine.g.patterson]

I agree with the moderator. You should ask him you would like to go.

[katherine.g.patterson]

Oh, and yes, I used to blame myself a lot . It was my fault if I was not being loved. You need to assert yourself more.

[BabyGirl]

A couple of " Red Flags " here, for me.

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2.5 years

After 2 1/2 years, he should have invited you to go ( if you were able to ) and he wanted to get away from the Uni, with you.

I had decided that I wasn't going to go, because I wasn't specifically included. And the " so it's not like I'm just tagging along"

Were you Not included or asked by him at all ? Or was a group thing that none of your " friends " thought to invite you ? Until they needed another Sober Driver ?

I don't think it's that he doesn't want me to go, he doesn't seem to mind either way.

Refer to # Red Flag 1.

Boyfriend you live with 2 1/2 years, doesn't seem to mind either way ?

So this won't be a little Getaway, that you both can take together and have fun with friends, but still have some special, together time, like a Mini Vacation ? And maybe you two stay Sober and let all the others get " Uni Gone Wild ".

I don't know hun,

I wouldn't Personally, willingly be an Afterthought..
And then only because they need a "Designated Driver" that travels over 200 miles away, to a Weekend of people that are known to be Heavy Drinkers and possibly with a woman or women that have or have not claimed to have had sex with YOUR BF.

I must admit I would be a bit wary of him as a BF, in General .

[kygirl]

I hate to jump in and reiterate what everyone else has said, but if other girls are going and other people you know and he just didn't even give you the option (invite you himself) and you aren't sure if it's okay after 2.5 years, that is definitely an issue. If at 2.5 years, you feel this insecure about saying something, it sounds like there may be much deeper issues with the relationship than just a weekend trip. But that is something you have to address yourself.

I've only been with my boyfriend a year (almost) and I know that if he were going on a group trip (not a guys only trip) that he would without hesitation ask me if I wanted to go.... I've dated people (like BD) that made me think something was wrong with ME and my stress, but I realized after the fact that THEY made me that way. Good luck deciding....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I had decided that I wasn't going to go, because I wasn't specifically included.

These are your friends too, so "who" didn't specifically include you, him or your friends.. Did he clearly advise he was going and not invite you or ask if you wanted to? You say you "decided"... So that suggests that "someone or people" did ask you if you were going..

If you feel that he didn't "ask you to go" verses "are you coming too"...there is a difference there.

He most certainly should have wanted you to go with him.. and should have asked.. Not posed the question to you if you intended on doing so.

Would / is that the norm? If that's the case, in all that happens in your life with him?

Sometimes it's the man that makes the woman in-secure or brings more of that side out from her... Is that his nature? Or do you honestly see something else, only during certain situations.

CW