[Anaida]

Hello, I'm 21, and in college. I'm severely down for some days and urgently need some emotional support.
This is about a professor of mine at college. He's a little aloof, rude and a trifle arrogant.Yet he's a genius and extremely open to people who can approach him. I used to dislike him for his attitude, yet in the past year I'd begun to find myself somewhat fascinated by his nature. I always find myself criticizing him for his aloofness, yet want to make friendship with him. Like...understand him and dissect him intellectually...he's such an interesting guy. He's not in our class presently, but I'm really fascinated by him and want to get to know him better. As in, forge a close teacher-student relationship. But the trouble is, he seems to behave in a rather stiff and restricted fashion whenever I approach him. Today, I went into his office to show him an interesting book on his subject that I'd bought recently. But I was rather hurt by his reaction. He didn't show much of an interest, just mumbled a few facts about the book, and then right away excused himself and walked out of the room. It was really disheartening for me and it made me feel inferior when I saw him smiling, chatting openly with his close students.

And ever since, I'm feeling like . Nothing I can do would make this depression go away. Please offer a word of consolation.I keep on over-thinking the situation and "why did he do this?" And it hurts me so much. I've had to muster so much courage to go up and talk to him, and he snubs me this way. All I wanted was to be talked to freely, and instead he gives me his disinterest. I know that he probably did not intend it, but even that thought cannot make the hurt go away.


Sorry if I sound like a , but,PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I really need some emotional support right now. I need to be told something to make me feel better.

[ItsASecret]

Honestly you need to be careful, profs will often avoid contact because of the students that want to take it too far so they will naturally be hesitant to talk in a friendship kind of that. I know you are fascinated by the man and interested in pursuing a friendship but you cannot make a friendship happen. If you are wanting to just pick him apart intellectually it is going to be even more difficult (if not impossible). You will need to make the basis for talking to him about the academics that he is in. I am in University and profs will typically completely avoid the close friendship thing with students because they are students and they are guided by ethics to be careful with students in the first place (because of those few students that want to get sexual for grades or attention and so forth). I am not at all saying you are pursing a sexual relationship, you are wanting an intellectual one, but I am saying the 'bad apple' sexual bunch of students make a bad name for the rest who may honestly want to just chat about the academics on further occasions.

Profs are there to be your academic peers, your go-to source of that fascination, but friendships if you are not a graduate student with them as your supervisor are very hard to come by. In regard to the book you came at him with an academic piece so he is going to professionally critic it as an academic piece, which profs can do in a harsh manner quite often. I would say that interaction was strictly him commenting based on his expertise.

But he will be a bit dismissive by nature because at school he just sees a bunch of students every day at work, he is asked 100's a of questions a day and so forth, it is just part of his job to answer a question quickly and move on basically. My best advice to get to know a prof a bit more is to slowly introduce yourself, do not just go in and expect a lengthy conversation and a solidified friendship because of that meeting. If he is not your prof to begin with that is more difficult but if he comes in as a guest lecturer for example go up to him after class and ask questions then say you have more and would like to stop by his office one day to talk further. In that case it creates a conversation solely as academic and interest based and not the sexual one that he as a professor needs to watch out for. Another thing you can do is if you want to spark a conversation with that particular prof is to read up on his actual research field (typically they have a webpage in their department), the stuff he is interested in and honestly come up with a question related to it then email him saying you noticed his line of research is quite interesting and you have a question you would like to stop by his office to ask about it (and again keep it only academic). This would establish the obvious interest he has without just randomly waltzing into his office and asking for a conversation. There needs to be some sort of breaker. But you also need to keep in mind that any interaction he has with a student is guided by the teaching ethics, his job first and foremost is to act in a professional manner without getting to far with students.

[Ashlee T.]

It's not uncommon to develop an attraction for a teacher/professor. They are the "authority" figure to some extent, you see them as intelligent and successful and to some extent off limits. If he's even remotely attractive, I'm sure he's used to his female students developing crushes and to keep himself safe from any bad reputation or sexual harassment charges, he keeps his distance.

You should not try to forge a relationship with someone to get them to like you. If he was into you, you'd know it. And if he was truly into you and a respectable person, he'd wait until you were no longer a student to approach you.

I believe you're fixating on something you know isn't likely to happen, as an reason to feel depressed and down. Why? What is your social life like outside of going to classes?

[Anaida]

It's not uncommon to develop an attraction for a teacher/professor. They are the "authority" figure to some extent, you see them as intelligent and successful and to some extent off limits. If he's even remotely attractive, I'm sure he's used to his female students developing crushes and to keep himself safe from any bad reputation or sexual harassment charges, he keeps his distance.

You should not try to forge a relationship with someone to get them to like you. If he was into you, you'd know it. And if he was truly into you and a respectable person, he'd wait until you were no longer a student to approach you.

I believe you're fixating on something you know isn't likely to happen, as an reason to feel depressed and down. Why? What is your social life like outside of going to classes?

Actually, this is not sexual. Like ItsASecret correctly identified, all I want to do is to get to know him closer, as in, know him as a person since his personality is fascinating to me. What I want is for him to form a close bond with me like he's got with his other students, in a STRICTLY teacher-student sense. He's much older than me and married, so it's nothing of the sort that might appear. And like I've described, he's not your average friendly professor. He's somewhat introverted, snobbish and like you correctly said, "out-of-reach" to most people. However, he's extremely friendly to folks who can manage to break through his exterior. THAT is what I want. I'd admit, I see this as a sort of a challenge, getting him to be friendly to me. And also because I want to figure him out. I assure you, there was nothing sexual or inappropriate about the way I approached him. But----he just---JUST seemed painfully dismissive and indifferent, and that was very disheartening to me. And then when I saw him laughing away with his close folks, it burnt me inside---made me feel inferior. :'( :'(

And this pain just refuses to leave me, no matter how much I try. That's why I'm turning to the Virtual World for support---since I can't share such a stupid thing with people in real life.

PS: My social life is normal, like a nineteen-year old's should be. I have a few close friends, and I hang out with them. I have hobbies, watch TV etc.

[Ashlee T.]

I guess what I was saying is that he has probably learned to keep a safe distance from his female students, because as many teachers know, it's very risky developing any kind of relationship with a student. I didn't necessarily mean you wanted to jump his bones, but that perhaps his dismissive and indifferent tone towards you is a result of the fact that he prefers not to develop relationships with students whether it be platonic or not.

I work at a University. And I have found that folks in academia are a totally different "breed". They are often have "clicks" of individuals they believe to be on their "level" whether that's accurate to reality or not. They often place themselves on a higher intellectual level than the rest of the world. As a result of this, it's hard to break that barrier as a student. I think IAS hit the nail on the head with reading up on his areas of research and showing an interest in it. Folks like him typically spend a lot of time and effort researching, and if they publish something they are very proud of it. If you are truly interested in something he has published or researched, drop him an email or something asking a question about it, or commending it.

There's no need to feel inferior. He just doesn't know you. He seems many students come and go and I'm sure he has NO idea how interested in him you are.

[Anaida]

Seems you're correct. I feel sad and stupid at the same time------maybe I was ignoring the reality. That, like IAS said, he ain't gonna chat with me without getting to know me first. Its just that I got a HUGE peg-down with his attitude to me! I even felt stupid and am wondering if I acted needy without my knowledge. That's making things worse. If he sees me as needy, then it'd be insulting, though I was a li'l nervous, I did try to appear as confident as possible.

The way he got up and walked out casually saying, "oh well, got a class now." Though he didn't have any at that moment. Later in the time I saw him chatting with some students. He actually had a class much, much later. It seemed like he was trying to get rid of me. I might be wrong for all you know, but it seemed that way. And THAT's making it worse for me to shake it off.

Btw, he does have one "close" female students too, though fewer in number than male ones.

[ItsASecret]

he's extremely friendly to folks who can manage to break through his exterior. THAT is what I want. I'd admit, I see this as a sort of a challenge, getting him to be friendly to me. And also because I want to figure him out.

The interest is fine, if it is only about his line of work. They love their subject and that is about it. The other thing is a professor is a very intelligent person, trying to pick one apart intellectually can boarder on harassment if they make it abundantly clear that they do not wish to further a social interaction. It also boarders harassment if you look up his teaching schedules and try to "accidently bump into him a lot" to ask questions because you know he is not teaching type thing. You have to see it from his standpoint, if some random student they have never seen before in one of their classes, never talked to in email suddenly starts coming at them every day with a book or research paper or a general smile and a "hey how are you?!!?!" they can easily pick up on it as a strange behavior. They will be very quick to dismiss anyone that is "wasting their time" per se. They will not sit down and have a long conversation with a random student just because that student secretly wants to have a friendship. Waltzing in and expecting a friendship just because someone else has the friendship with him already is not going to just happen. If there is no common interest the prof will see it as a waste of time. Harsh but that is just the way a lot operate. Complicating things more is when you say you want to dissect him intellectually like he is some psych project. Honestly that is going to be extremely difficult (do not bother if he is a psych prof lol) because again they can quickly pick up on odd behaviors.

Also following on his side of things, if you approach him with scientific work of whatever field it may be he will enter professor PhD mode. And that mode can get rampant with big words and harsh descriptions of whatever is being presented. If it is a research paper you present he may be able to pick apart the methodology, he is not being rude to you per se he is simply doing what he does best...actively use his intelligence so do not take something like that as a personal attack.

[Ashlee T.]

PS: My social life is normal, like a nineteen-year old's should be

Hello, I'm 21, and in college

Are you 19, or are you 21? I'm also curious if your major is in his area? And if so, are there any clubs or organizations for students and faculty in that area of study? When I was pursuing undergrad, once I determined a major, I joined an organization for people in my area of study. We had social gatherings, networking events, etc. I got to know lots of other students in my area but also many of the faculty.

What is it about this professor that sets him apart from other professors in that same area of study? I expect that along your educational path you will encounter several if not many individuals whom you admire. It is important to learn now that they will not all take a personal interest in you. You'll be lucky if even one does. That is the world of academics.

IAS is totally right, you cannot expect someone who doesn't know you at all to instantly take interest in you just because you have them. He has no idea of your fixation for him. It may be time to do some serious self reflection here...and try to figure out why the fixation is so intense that even the slightest "brushing off" incident sets you into depression?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Zarina

Ask yourself, why is it important to you, that he acknowledges you. Is this a cry for attention and if so why? What "type" are the others that he has be-friended, both male and female..

Have you also considered, that he may be shy to a degree and that those others went through the exact process.

There is an obsession here of sorts was your family up-bringing a loving one?

And, yes, BD makes an excellent point there, are you 19 or 21, the honesty starts with self.

[jns]

zarina, it sounds like you are on the hunt. If it was a normal attraction to an outstanding professor, you would just follow in the steps of the others who are in his sway. Instead you want different rules to apply to you. He is probably alert to hunters like you. You will have to try a different way.