[Anaida]

I'm not in denial. What I'm saying is true-----what I do have is a crush. But it's not always all-consuming, like it is NOW. Now, I admit, it's really got me depressed. Have you ever heard of being "Limerent"? Well, I'm limerent and have experienced something that can be perceived as Rejection. And it's consuming a great deal of my energy right now. much MORE THAN EVER. Remember that I'd not posted about it after July in 2011. Like I said, I'm trying to focus on other things, and they're helping, but only momentarily. The general pall of gloom refuses to disperse. I don't know how long it'd be before I get back to being myself.


Can you share some tips to regain self-confidence after rejection? That'd be really helpful. I tried to look them up in Google, but I'd still like personalized tips from somebody who knows my exact situation. I can't---CANNOT share them with any real person. Please. Do tell me what you think can be done to get past self-pity and assuring myself that my life's not dependent upon this. Please----I don't want to seek professional help for this. Some empathetic advice will do. If I'm unable to shake it off at any cost soon, I'll have to see a professional then. But right now, I need some advice.

[Ashlee T.]

The problem is that it only FEELS like rejection, but doesn't seem like true rejection as this poor professor I'm sure treated you as he does MOST students and had no idea it would be received as intense rejection. So the real question is, what is it in you that causes you to feel such intense rejection in what would otherwise be just a normal "hey i read this cool book" , "yeah? bla bla bla bla, okay I gotta get to class"...."ok have a nice day!" situation?

I know that it is a crush. That is why I responded to you in the way I did in my first post on this thread. We then danced around the issue with "no I don't LIKE him..." "I am only intrigued by his intelligence" type of thing, and now, here we are, back here admitting it's a crush. Being truthful with yourself is crucial. Being truthful with us is also crucial if you want good advice.

My advice is, find other ways to occupy your time. Do you work in addition to going to school? If not, you should. Do you exercise daily to relieve stress and provide a focus? If not, you should. Make it a point not to take classes he teaches. When you find yourself fantasizing over him in any way, say to yourself "No, this is not healthy, this is not reality" and turn your focus onto something else. If you're sitting around fantasizing over this, trying to get into his classes (we've already established how upset you were last time when you weren't in any of his classes), putting yourself in situations in which you know he'll be around in hopes he'll suddenly befriend you, then you don't want this to stop. If you want it to stop, you will take the advice suggested for you.

If you find yourself unable to do so, seeking professional help is all you can do. Seeking professional help does NOT mean medicating yourself. It could be as simply as therapy, uncovering things about yourself that could be potentially causing these behaviors.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Can you share some tips to regain self-confidence after rejection?

You know the game Dominos... Therefore the saying , dominos effect... One falls down and so, it continues.

In my opinion.. You do have "mommy" issues, and hear me out She ****es you of, she is old school, she will not come to terms with today's world, does not approve of going to dinner with boys, what will people think, does not approve of porn, and more than likely has been quite strict with you throughout out your life, especially your teenage years. You are Indian and there are certain things expected of you, as culture goes but you are rebelious to a degree, yet, you do have morals. But you live in "this world".. She lives in the "past"..

This "teaching" throughout your life, by her is why you are attracted to the professor.

This "teaching" has not always felt exactly like love and so when your two best friends deserted you at the beginning of college you went down a down spiral and haven't gotten back up. Then when the professor deserted you, in your mind, he chose not to get close to you, (remember his nature, arrogant), so by his nature, you felt deserted.

I think you feel deserted by your Mother but you can't see it, it's locked away. I think you should try hypnotherapy. So that you can brings things to the core of your mind, that are currently not seen to you.

I also think you should continue to be assertive and become your own woman, that will weed away alot of these feelings.

And, I think the porn you watch is the reason you have fantasies about the professor coupled with the rejection.

OCD does not go away but it looks like to a degree you are mastering it from time to time. Any obsession though stems back from something, a reason..

For you, in my opinion it's rejection.. And, you are obsessed with the reason why.

Did you ever ask the two best friends why they changed, why they rejected you, left you? Did you ever get closure?

[Little]

Seeking professional help does NOT mean medicating yourself. It could be as simply as therapy, uncovering things about yourself that could be potentially causing these behaviors.

This. You need to talk this out with a professional who can help you change your thought patterns.
You say these feelings are intermittent. Do they coincide with anything? Periods of stress, arguments with friends or family, receipt of a poor grade? What I'm saying is, there's a REASON these feelings are coming up. You say you don't have mommy/daddy issues, but this sure looks like it - somebody, sometime has denied you acceptance and attention in a big way, and you're looking for it from your professor. Who was it? And how do you think you can overcome the hurt? I don't know the answer to either of those questions, the second one because I'm not a professional. It's a very personal question that I don't expect to you answer here, and it might be very hard to come up with an answer.

If you are really as opposed to counseling as you sound, you might try a diary. It will help you identify thought patterns, cycles, and really explore your feelings. But you're going to have to be honest with your diary. If you lie to it (or, by proxy, yourself,) it won't help.

For the record, though - I wasn't implying that you were a "tramp" with my last post. Any mutually consensual sex you have is your prerogative, but pursuing a sexual relationship with your professor would be inappropriate because of his job. I'm actually vehemently against the use of mean names to shame women who enjoy sex.

[Anaida]

Chandler's Wish,


I just cannot point it out enough how ABSOLUTELY bang on you are about Mom, LMAO...truly, hand-on-heart. True, every word.

About those two friends, yeah I know that their "desertion" had led me to develop partial social anxiety in college...though it's gone now. In the past two years, I've been able to regain it fully within my college peers. In the past, (after they left me) I went through . I never showed up anything on the surface (I thank my strong-will for that), I just pushed it into a corner of my mind in school, nobody ever knew anything, but I knew how hopelessly demoralized I was...especially on certain days when my self-esteem used to be very low. I moved on apparently pretty quickly after the breaking up, but it left a deep scratch inside which was to take quite a while to heal away. I was myself outside college and with the few close people inside college, but time to time, I got severe peg-downs which led me to "watch myself" before I spoke up, especially when they(those two) were around in class. I always managed to cover up well those days, but I felt like inside. I thought it would never end. People who saw me on the outside never guessed a thing, but I never could convince myself to be myself in college anymore.

Of course, things were to change. It began to change markedly in my final year of graduation, and gradually, it melted away. I can confidently say I've got closure now, yeah. I don't bother about them anymore....now they're just faces in my memory album...I sometimes recall the nice times we'd had, and smile to myself. In my mind, actually,I thank them. It's owing to them that I got to practice self-counseling and it paid off finally.

Thanks to them, I now can analyze and dissect every thought of mine , and, believe it or not, I did feel more angry than sad when I got "rejected" by this Professor, because to me it was a glimpse of my old "peg-downed" self. :P

But that's beside the point now. The thing is, like I told you, I'd been down, like REALLY DOWN for a week before this happened. And I know that I wouldn't have felt it so deeply had I not been down in general. I know that people get dependent on petty stuff when their self-esteem is at an all-time low. And that's what happened to me.

BD is correct, it's indeed about me, and I knew that, too.

I feel I've been able to get back to myself already. I went out for a trip today with friends, and I felt myself get over this carpeted gloom a lot. It seems a little silly now, haha.

I actually have been doing all that today(stopping myself from fantasizing etc). like I said, I never do really allow this kind of "Depending" stuff to get into my head, except from when I'm down. I know this will get back to being in the normal crush state that it was in all this while, but I guess I'll be blocking ALL thoughts of him right now, till I get back fully. Like I said, I've been terribly low the entire two weeks.

So, right now, I'm convincing myself that it was not a rejection but a perceived one, LOL. I get that too, now that I'm kinda back to my normal self after this low Patch and able to put myself in his shoes. But thing thing is, I DID actually act a li'l (just a little) goofy in his office , and I just hope it didn't make me look TOO bad.

[Anaida]

Further about those two friends-----I actually did not get to ask them why they did it. In my Low days, I used to think about it a lot. Now it doesn't matter anymore. Apart from the fact that I talk to them without a thought, they're not even friends now between themselves. I actually heard from people that one of the girls had this habit of making friends with people for a limited time, and then dropping them off without a warning. I saw it with my own eyes, in fact...she's abruptly stopped being friends with a lot of the people she used to be fast buddies with, right from my time onwards. I just wonder lazily about this sometimes..nothing more.

Like I said, she (and the other girl) caused me a lot of pain, but they benefited me a lot in long run. I feel like I needed this to become the hardened self I'm today. I know the inflicted insecurities will take some time to completely melt out from the subconscious (I feel them when I get mad quickly sometimes), but I've got back my spot now.

As for the professor...sometimes I feel that more than the crush, what I'm looking for is to CHALLENGE him. I didn't pay much attention to him prior to this Movement against him, and it was this movement, in fact, that got me thinking about him in the first place. It was actually curiosity that got me thinking about him. Then it grew...and became sort of a passtime. Also, it was the hot topic in college those days, a break from our boring and mundane daily schedule. Hahahahah...so it was fun pondering over him and his idiosyncrasies. THEN..the thoughts gradually grew and became regular. I found myself imagining him in different life situations and how he'd react in them.

Then, as time passed, I got to know him from people who were close to him, and presented to me the "other" side to the story. I had a shift in perspectives...i.e., I then took both the perspectives (ours and his) and decided that he's REALLY not the brute we were making him out to be...he was indeed a very knowledgeable and intriguing person with many qualities...yeah, he had his faults which rankled so much with us, but they were not all his fault, either, it was just the way of behaviour he was used to. Further, I reasoned, since he was an introverted genius who was likely out of touch with the real world, he did not always really MEAN to behave the way he did. I thought it over a lot.

But I really could never come to a "conclusion"....I could not decide for final who was right. He or us. I accepted that he had a lot of faults, I ALSO accepted that a lot of the complaints we said/thought about him were untrue (falsely perceived by us), BUT I could not decide who was FINALLY RIGHT. Both sides were at fault in their own degrees----it was a never-ending debate in my mind.

And, as far as I think, this indecision, this confused state gave rise to this "Crush" on him. It's not really a crush developed the normal way, you see. That's the reason I was hesitant (still am) to accept it as a *crush*. I knew I thought about him a lot, I knew I fantasized him, but I still couldn't accept it was a "crush", because of the bizarre manner that gave rise to it. I'm STILL not sure it's a crush, since I don't REALLY "Like" him. Yep. This is the truth. I enjoyed those thoughts...but couldn't share them with anyone since I didn't know how to define them myself.

To answer your question, Little, I think it's this "CHALLENGE" of indecision that makes me so fascinated with him. I want to come to a conclusion. What you said COULD HAVE been true if I'd not achieved closure from my pain, but, as I mentioned, it's ceased to be an issue for me. I'm a different person from before.

Beautiful Disaster, now you see why I'd refused to call it a "Crush" in the start. I'm still not sure it actually is one. You see the complete back-story now. Do you think it's a crush? I have fantasies, want his attention. But is it a crush? It's something FAR MORE COMPLICATED.

What I primarily want, is to sneak inside his mind---read him. Know what he thinks about us, about his life, what made him actually like this. I want a reassurance from him that he's not as bad as we thought he was, that my compassionate thoughts for him, excusing many of his behaviours ,were indeed correct. He's like a teasing mystery---something that disconcerts me...pokes fun at my inability to solve it. It's like he yells out to me---"Hey, I'm here, your personified CONFUSION. Tear your hairs out all you want--you'll never get to solve me--ha ha".

So you see---it's NOT a simple crush. I'm telling ya, I DON'T "like" the guy. I don't "dislike" him either. :|

[Anaida]

Oops--I blabbered a lot. Thanks in advance to all who'd read it. Love you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Opening up and talking is good for the soul

I sometimes recall the nice times we'd had, and smile to myself. In my mind, actually,I thank them. It's owing to them that I got to practice self-counseling and it paid off finally.

I actually did not get to ask them why they did it. In my Low days, I used to think about it a lot. Now it doesn't matter anymore. Apart from the fact that I talk to them without a thought, they're not even friends now between themselves. I actually heard from people that one of the girls had this habit of making friends with people for a limited time, and then dropping them off without a warning.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, but always for a reason. You know it's not easy being the tough you.. The one that on the outside, shows nothing and on the inside crys. You didn't exactly get closure until the time that they become non-friends and until the time that they dissed others out of their lives, then you realised that it was never about you, it was "always" about them.. The type that say, it's College and so, I need to be cool, who do I hang out with and who don't I? The type that use people. The type that don't know what true friendship is all about therefore, will never know what a true relationship is all about and therefore the type to Divorce The fond memories hold onto those because, that is what life is all about.. And, the other thing is lessons. The lesson, is that you were lucky to have not given more years of your life to their "friendship" that was never real And, it's made you realise your self worth eventually, all be it along way down the track, that this is what you need to work on. That you are important and those that don't stay in your life are not or else they would have stayed, because you are worth it

But, it stems before them. There is a strong yearning for love.. As there should be. And being rejected is like being un-loved. Do you know what? The day you can look in that mirror and say "I love myself" which is different than being up yourself , is the day you will feel sorry for those that do not know how to love, to give, un-conditionally, and realise they are not hurting you anymore, rather how sad. They do not know that feeling, but you do..

How you analized your Professor, from being a bad guy to being human with faults? That is the beginning of "understanding" people and accepting them for who they are.. The initial challenge was to be wanted, accepted, as a person. If you can take those comments you made and believe them, then you can look at all people that way and realise we are all unique, and different. No one can hurt you as they are who they are, you can choose whether you accept them into your life, or whether they are toxic, negative, or have a streak that doesn't sit with you, for who you are and accept them but not allow them into your life. The people you should have in your life are those that take you for who you are, and love you for who you are and never let you down, you don't have to see them for years, but you know the moment you speak with them, they are there for you.

You don't have to fight for friendship, acceptance other than yourself.

I truly want you to 'analyse' that because you do think very deeply. Imagine, you accept yourself, love yourself it radiates out there and draws people to you, it gives you more than strength and confidence, it gives you peace and you are happy with who you are... No one can bring that down and you don't search for love, it just comes to you and you give it back without worrying if you will get hurt, because you can't get hurt because people come into your life for a reason, a season, a lifetiime. Those that leave, were there to teach you something about life, and then leave your life.

If that makes sense.

It is far more complicated... It's all the above.

And, the two words are acceptance and love...

Are you now going to accept yourself and everyone in your life for who they are, and are you now going to love yourself un-conditionally?

Because when you do, you won't be fighting so hard and analysing so long, people to gain acceptance and love.

[Anaida]

The day you can look in that mirror and say "I love myself" which is different than being up yourself , is the day you will feel sorry for those that do not know how to love, to give, un-conditionally, and realise they are not hurting you anymore, rather how sad. They do not know that feeling, but you do..

How you analized your Professor, from being a bad guy to being human with faults? That is the beginning of "understanding" people and accepting them for who they are.. The initial challenge was to be wanted, accepted, as a person. If you can take those comments you made and believe them, then you can look at all people that way and realise we are all unique, and different. No one can hurt you as they are who they are, you can choose whether you accept them into your life, or whether they are toxic, negative, or have a streak that doesn't sit with you, for who you are and accept them but not allow them into your life. The people you should have in your life are those that take you for who you are, and love you for who you are and never let you down, you don't have to see them for years, but you know the moment you speak with them, they are there for you.

You don't have to fight for friendship, acceptance other than yourself.

I truly want you to 'analyse' that because you do think very deeply. Imagine, you accept yourself, love yourself it radiates out there and draws people to you, it gives you more than strength and confidence, it gives you peace and you are happy with who you are... No one can bring that down and you don't search for love, it just comes to you and you give it back without worrying if you will get hurt, because you can't get hurt because people come into your life for a reason, a season, a lifetiime. Those that leave, were there to teach you something about life, and then leave your life.

If that makes sense.

It is far more complicated... It's all the above.

And, the two words are acceptance and love...

Are you now going to accept yourself and everyone in your life for who they are, and are you now going to love yourself un-conditionally?

Because when you do, you won't be fighting so hard and analysing so long, people to gain acceptance and love.

Well, I did get to that stage. The journey was difficult; I really did not fish myself out of the waters until a while; although I'd tried and tried on. You are correct, I did not begin to get proper subconscious closure until I heard about their intra break-up. But, that was just the beginning. I had to walk many more miles, and finally get to where I stand today. Like I said, I could feel my inner frailties and insecurities melt away from last year. It's just been a year that I can feel myself properly get back to where I was prior to the friendship. Like you said, I can now be who I am, who I was, without a thought to perception by others; however, in my opinion, every single person on this planet has had to go through a stage, or moments, where they felt their own selves inadequate to serve up before other people. You feel this immensely with some people, and don't feel this at all with others. It's all a part of good life, aint it?
We just don't realize it when its happening to us, that others go through this as well. Well, I fought to get back, and here I am, so I'm, like the proverb goes, "emerged stronger than before". Hahahaha.


About the Prof:

Well, what do you think about my complex feelings for him? It's not about just "accepting" him for who he is; it's placing his positive traits over the negative. Like I'd said in my first thread, he was a brilliant and knowledgeable person, but at the same time, held infuriating opinions like only the socially privileged should study, had an attitude of non-consideration for physically challenged pupils as far as grades went, and often passed callous remarks on things he had little idea about, which, as a result, really got us up.

Like I said, after I analyzed him after hearing about him from his students, I was caught at a dilemma over which traits to give priority to; his good traits were as overwhelming as his bad. So, you see the roller-coaster situation? And would you call it a crush that I developed from it? Would like to hear you out here.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm no physcologist, but if you agreed with me on the way your Mother is, as you did... Then could it be the "teacher" ?

Think about that...