[bluebird]

I don't know if I'm crazy for even posting this but here goes nothing.
I'm 23 and the guy I'm with is 37. We have been together about 2years. I had never done ANYTHING with a guy before because I was saving myself for marriage.(this is what I felt was right for me,not saying everyone else should feel the same). I never touched or had done a thing by my choice, I could have with other guys but never wanted to. I fell in love and we were going to get engaged and married. After a while things started to heat up, kissing longer,touching, then one day we made out. We did that a few times but I felt bad and told him I didnt want to anymore. I cried and everything because I wanted to wait.

One day he tried to touch me and I said no and pushed him away. He kept doing it and I walked away ot another area. He kept trying and I gave in and we started making out. I had told him before that I didnt want him to put his **** thing around my...you know because it could slip. Then I felt like it went in and hurt so i pushed him off of me and started crying. He is not a virgin by all means, and he told me we didnt do it, that i was still a virgin. I didnt believe him and was really hurt and upset. After awhile i said that i guess we should do it now because we already did and whats the difference now. so we did it and when we did, i knew that i was still a virgin but it was too late.
Later I asked him if he knew i was at that moment and he said yes he knew but did it anyways. Im so angry at him because if he loved me he wouldnt do it. After it happened he walked to the other room to smoke and didnt say anthying to me.

I feel like I hate him but then again its my fault. He told me I had it coming, that i wanted it but i really didnt. I know really its my fault i could have not let things go so far. I'm to blame also not just him. I hate myself for it. I cant get over this. I have never been this depressed in my life. I really didnt know after it was too late and I hate myself for being so dumb.

Big surpise he changed after that happened. He hits me sometimes and i hit back but he is alot bigger then me. Apart of me hates him but i hate myself more.

How do I move on? I used to like who I was but now i hate who i have become.

[mr.mansview]

he is making you hate what you are..which by the way is a very intelligent and morally strong person..he tricked you to get himself off, and that is selfish..he is trying to shift the blame and control you..you can do much better for yourself..hitting a girl is NOT allowed under any circumstances..end it now before it escalates..

[Little]

You are no longer a virgin. That's something you can't change and you should be at peace with it. One thing you should remember, though, is that you don't have to change your mind about wanting to save yourself for marriage "again." My best friend, who lost her virginity to her still-current boyfriend, has decided not to have sex anymore because of her religious beliefs and it has made her feel better about not saving herself for marriage. I hope you become at peace with that.
And you need to LEAVE him. He only wants sex and control over you, which thankfully you are trying not to give in to. You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing and I applaud you! You are too young to stick yourself with a mean man like him.
Good luck.

[soldatka]

Sweetheart, he is a pig, he is violent and abusive and coerced you into sex. You deserve better than him. PLEASE LEAVE. It will only get worse.

Although you can't put your virginity back where it was, you can choose what you do in future, and if you decide to save yourself for marriage that's okay. It wasn't altogether your choice in that situation, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

[mr.mansview]

soldatka is right..it will only get worse..he will hit you again, say he is sorry and that it won't happen again, but it probably will..if you ride this situation out too long it will be harder to leave and he might even threaten you if you leave, or tell you he will kill himself to guilt you into staying with him..this is not a unique situation, it happens far more than you realize..

[littlegirllost]

It is not your fault! You need to get as far away from his as you can. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and it never gets better....you don't deserve to be treated that way. Please remember, it's not your fault and you can never change him. I suggest calling a domestic violence hotline in your area, they are very helpful and supportive. You are not alone! My ex was the same way, it was all about what he wanted and when he was done, he'd leave me lying there and go watch t.v. in the other room.

[JubesInquest]

Get Away!

Bluebird,
It's NOT your fault.

This guy crossed the line, especially when this happened:

" Then I felt it went in and hurt so i pushed him off me and started crying "


You told him no and he went on with what he was doing. No respect for you to say the least; and, this could be criminal...

Now as far as hitting you goes, that is definitely, without a doubt, criminal. There are some charges I see in you post that can be filed against this guy, but it's up to you what you decide to do.

For the most part, RIGHT NOW, as everyone else has stated: get far, FAR away from this guy. He doesn't sound like he's right in the head and he will get worse if you stick around.

[bluebird]

Thanks!

Thanks everyone for the input and support, I really needed that. I dont want to talk to my family or friends about this subject. You all have made a great deal of difference in my life and I thank you for that. I know that sounds so corny but it's true. Strange isn't it? how the littlest things in life make the biggest impack sometimes.
Thank you for all your kind words!

[mr.mansview]

some times we all need a little moral support, even if we don't know who it is from..take care

[wildpumpkin]

hi bluebird

Do not blame yourself! You should be proud for sticking to your values. Yes he pushed you into it but thats because he's a *******. He doesn't deserve you if he cant respect your beliefs. Like the other girls, i think you should leave him, because you're right, if he did love you, he wouldn't have done it. Please don't beat yourself up over it. Although you're no longer a virgin, you can still remain celibate until you do get married. I'm sure you will make the right choice as to what to do with your boyfriend. Good Luck doll xo