[anonimousey]

Hi again guys, it's been a while since I posted.

I've been with my boyfriend for coming onto two years, and we've known each other for around 7+ years, we're both each others first serious boyfriend/girlfriend.

I've had depression also for nearly two years, being medicated for a year and a half. A few months ago, I was really doubting our relationship, my head was all over the place, I felt trapped. These feelings are now coming back to me, although I haven't 'relapsed'.

My main question, is how do you know when you're in love? I know I must love my parents, cause they're good people, but I wouldn't say it openly, and when I say it, I don't exactly feel a wave of emotion behind it. This is the same for my boyfriend, what am I supposed to be feeling? I can't see myself with any other person, and I know he would be a fantastic dad. I just feel really trapped right now, now knowing exactly how I'm feeling, and why I am.

My mood about it all is pretty apathetic. When we kiss, I don't really feel anything like I used to. -When you kiss your partner, what do you feel? Do you feel turned on? In love? Or just normal. It's all really confusing to me.

I started a new job in January, and so I only really see my boyfriend on the weekend; we've both had the flu that's been going round, so that's a few weekends when we haven't seen each other, or really spoken to each other. I'm not sure whether the problem is just that we need to see each other more and reconnect. If this is the case, I don't know where I'm supposed to get the time from, my work week is 9-5pm, Monday to Friday.

I raised the problem with him the other day, because after kissing him, I wanted him to know what I was feeling. He told me that a few weeks/months ago, he was also feeling this, but that he just swept it aside and ignored it. There's no way I can do this, I over think almost everything (to the point where I tell my self that I'm not over thinking anything, and that it must be a major concern), I'd like to feel sure in my feelings, and not in limbo over all my emotions and everything.

We have a fantastic laugh together, I'm wondering if the problem is that lately he's more of a friend that I'm physically close to, as oppose to a boyfriend; but then again, how is a boyfriend/girlfriend defined?

As you can see, my head is all over the place, I don't really have any friends that I can talk this over with, so you guys are my only outlet.
I'd like to know whether what I'm feeling is very common, and that I just need to get a grip, cause this stuff goes through people's minds (also including the fact of my depression), or whether I really need to consider things.

All help is appreciated.
Thanks gus, Anonimousey.

[jns]

There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone.

Being in love with someone makes your body ache when you are apart. It can cause changes in your eating habits because food doesn't taste the same. It can cause obsessive behavior and the ignoring of other relationships. It focuses your attention on the other person. It can increase risk taking.

When you love someone, none of the above generally apply. You live your life normally, but try to favor the person you love when and where possible. Maybe you would take more risk for that person is a situation like a fire, but you most likely wouldn't give everything you have to him or her.

It sounds like your depression and the medications you are on may be affecting your ability to bond in these ways. The bonding and the love are the result of chemicals in the brain. Work with your doctors to find something effective for the depression but not interfering with relationships. You may need something to boost certain chemical levels.

[anonimousey]

Thanks for replying, jns.

But not everyone loves like that, do they? I'm quite an independent person; when you say about aching for someone when you're apart, you don't mean all the time and everyday, do you?

[jns]

Being in love usually lasts for a short while of several months, but loving someone can be eternal. Not every one falls in love like that, but many if not most fall in love at sometime during their life. Some societies have arranged marriages, so falling in love may come later. The aching goes on day and night when in love and apart and usually interferes with sleep. The time together is as euphoric as taking certain drugs because the brain chemistry is almost the same.

[anonimousey]

Do you really think so? Even after years and of marriage/or just being together?

From a lot of the posts I've read while looking for advice, a lot of women go through this. Could it just be a phase?

[jns]

I'm not sure I understand your questions. Both men and women can love and can fall in love.

[anonimousey]

Sorry, jns, what I meant was do people who're in love, still yearn and ache for each other even after years and years of being married to each other?

And the second one, I meant that from browsing posts on this site (where mainly women post), I've seen that a lot have the same worries and concerns that I have, so can't it just be normal?

[jns]

After the in love phase comes the normal love condition. People can ache and yearn when they are apart even after decades of being together. It won't happen when one or the other goes to work, but if it is an extended stay apart it can happen, but usually not as strong. One who has a deceased loved one can ache and yearn the same way.

I didn't mean to imply that you are not normal. However the depression and your genetic makeup that allows for long episodes of depression could mean that this needs an approach that a good doctor could advise you on. On the other hand, these could things you can work through without any extra effort like most others. Falling in love doesn't have to happen immediately if at all. Many times it is unexpected.

[anonimousey]

Oh okay, I got really worried then.

We used to go out all the time (during school holidays and stuff), instead of being in all the time. But lately, because of winter and not having enough money to always be going out, we've just stayed in bed together (not doing anything sexual, just generally being in bed, almost falling asleep), do you think that going out would help? seeing new things, discussing things we see, etc?

[jns]

I've always found being "trapped" indoors to be depressing if it goes on too long. Even getting out just to walk is good, especially during the daylight hours to increase your vitamin D. As a kid I always played out in the snow. Too many days of cold rain will have me staying in too much and will get me depressed.