[katzintheclouds]

Hey guys. So I am in a strange place today, can't really explain it, thought I'd throw it out there. My best friend from childhood who has been there with me through everything, just called me & told me her boyfriend proposed to her. My immediate reaction was almost to cry. It doesn't make sense because I'm super excited for her, I love her boyfriend he's the greatest guy ever, they are totally deserving of each other. If I didn't think he was a good guy, I would have said it LONG ago. I think part of it is that I've always loved her, we've always had a different relationship, one that I wouldn't ever really put a label on. We're both bisexual & we have fooled around in the past. She moved to Florida about five years ago so the physical-ness between us (if that's a word) stopped. When we do get together there is sometimes sexual tension but it never causes real "tension" it's just kind of a laugh. I'm wondering know though what it is that's upsetting me. Part of it may be that even though it was completely far fetched, part of me wondered if we would one day be together, just us two. More likely though I think that I'm upset that she was really the last friend of mine who wasn't engaged or married. She was always the one I looked at like "See, she doesn't need all that". Now I'm going to be the one out of the group who isn't married & I guess I didn't realize until now how much I really do want that. I wonder if I'm jealous of her, or of her boyfriend or of just their relationship.

I guess I just don't understand how to feel. I am SUPER SUPER excited for her, I don't want her to think I'm not. I love her & her fiance, he's perfect for her.

Can anyone offer advice or relate??

[Bug_Lady]

I get the feeling of being left out. I'm 24 so all friends are getting married or having babies (some of them divorced already, too). I don't know that I've felt resentment - more confusion. I don't look forward to a big wedding or a big ring....those things don't really ever cross my mind. I wouldn't mind getting married but seeing my friends do things like only refer to themselves as "the future mrs...." makes me sick. I think my feelings stem more from the fact that it seems like girls, once they get engaged, they lose all sense of themselves. They are no longer themselves, they are an extension of their fiancee. And that has always given me a bad taste in my mouth about being engaged.

It does feel weird sometimes still saying "my boyfriend" when everyone else is saying "fiancee" or "husband". What comes to my mind is that you may feel like you're losing a part of yourself. This person sounds like she has been a big part of your life for a long time. And, as I just described, a lot of women drop everything to be a "bride to be". Maybe you feel like you will not have her as a friend anymore? It really does change people and maybe you're not ready to let go of that aspect of your life. And I also get the feeling of being left behind.

I don't really have any advice....just want you to know you're not alone. Have you expressed your feelings to her? She sounds like an accepting person that would understand where you are coming from. She might be able to sooth your fears of losing her....just a thought. <3

[katzintheclouds]

Your so very right in that my friend is a huge part of my life, and has been for a very long time. Without realizing it, I think I've been so jealous this whole time that her boyfriend has her the way he does. The thing is that she makes me it very clear with me when we do get some face time that she loves me & would never be able to replace me in any way, but this curveball of a sudden proposal just made me wonder. She always talked about not being the "marrying kind" and that she wasn't sure she ever wanted to, so it is strange to think of her as a fiance. I do feel a little left behind, it's a combination of so much. Wondering why I'm going to be the only unmarried one out of the group, wondering if I will lose her.. I think we will be talking about it soon, she is SUPER open to hearing what I have to say, I know it would be okay I just have to bring myself to a confident enough level to finally admit that I feel jealous. I love him, he's the best guy ever & I think some tiny part of it is that too, he's perfect for her! And seems to be just the perfect kind of guy. I'm sure that she & I will be able to talk & she'll be able to give me some reassurance, I'm just in this weird "just found out" phase. She's away on vacation with him (it was so romantic the way he went about things) so I can't really talk to her. But I hope that we can def. catch up as soon as she gets home.

Such a confusing mess! I found myself wanting to cry a little tonight when I was talking with my other good friend about it (who knows my whole story with her). Thank you for your advice <3

[lizzardb63]

Bug_lady... if you feel you lose a sense of yourself when you commit to someone, you're not with the right person. Most guys LIKE when a girl has her own thing going on, her own personality and feelings about stuff. If we were just an extension of our fiances how boring would that be for them?

katzintheclouds,
I can see that maybe you fear losing your friend. When a person gets married, everyone knows, that's real committment, not just of love but of time too. You feel left out? I can't blame you though, I've felt that way a few times when my friends were getting married, but now that I'm getting married, I realized that it happens when it should. Just try to be there for her and you'll always have a friendship with her. At least you can still have that right?

[katzintheclouds]

I'm not afraid necessarily about losing her completely, I know that we'll always be friends. She wont lose sight of me, at least not on purpose. One of the other problems is that I think, in a way, I'm jealous too. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now & have not been near any kind of proposal. She's just one last straw it seems, everyone around me that's my age is getting married, one by one. It's quite depressing! I found myself almost wanting to cry the other night when I was thinking about it, I hope I can talk to her about it soon. I am trying to think about what to say when I try to explain why I'm upset, I don't want her to think I'm not happy for her because I am. Her relationship seems so perfect, her boyfriend the same. He's so great for her & she's so great for him. I've always admired her so much for how she is, she amazes me. It's such a menagerie of emotions.

[KMonte85]

You can be envious of others, that's just plain old human nature! The important thing is that you recognize it and your happiness for her outshadows the envy. You can be jealous, just try not to make it the sole focus of the day. And when you talk to her, just be honest... from your post it seems she knows you well enough not to get offended!

Instead of focusing on what she has that you want, think about why that bothers you, and what you can do to be satisified with where you are in your life. It's a lot more productive to focus on how to improve your own situation instead of focusing on how others have what you want!

[katzintheclouds]

Thanks KMonte for your response. I am trying as best I can to focus on the positives in my life & be thankful for what I have. I guess I didn't really realize how much I want to get married until she told me about this. I find myself envious of a lot. Their relationship, the fact that he's the greatest guy ever & also that he gets her. I hope that we can talk soon (we'll hopefully Skype one of these nights coming up) so I can share with her this. I'm afraid that I'll end up spilling everything & make her uncomfortable, which I don't want to do. But I've always been a little jealous of her life, honestly. She's fascinated me since I met her, her drive & her energy. She's made her own success & she's inspired me to do the same but I feel like there are so many things holding me down, mostly within myself. The whole thing about my relationship too is that I don't think me & my guy are ready even though we've been together for almost 6 years. Honestly, I think it's more that I don't think he's ready. When I first talked about this situation with my friend getting married, our relationship came up. He said "We just don't have enough money for all that" which, to me, sounds like an excuse. You don't have that much money, what does money have to do with it? Yeah you have to have money to make a wedding but honestly, I don't even need a ring. The only thing I would want is his desire of commitment. But I know in my heart he's just scared too. He often uses excuses like "Well my parents went through a painful divorce which ruined my view on marriage". Things that just sound like, well, excuses. Our lives are kind of up in the air but I'm getting tired of that & honestly feel like we will soon have a talk about what our plans are, because I'm 26 & I need plans! I don't need it spelled out to an agenda & lesson plans but I wouldn't mind some ballpark idea of what we're workin

[KMonte85]

If you and your boyfriend want different things for your future, then you definitely need to talk that out. Two people in a relationship need to be on the same page.

For what's worth though, many people don't marry because they're worried about finances. There's that statistic floating around that half or more of divorces end because of financial stress, so people take that seriously! It doesn't mean they don't want to marry. But you're right to think that it's not all about money. And waiting until you're in the perfect stage of life to get married isn't always the answer either.

Be inspired by your friend, the things she has are things you want for yourself too and that's okay... who doesn't want personal success, a loving relationshio, happiness? You're equally entitled to all those things... so stop holding yourself back, stop sitting idly by wishing you had what others do, and get out there and do something!

What are your goals? What do you want? How are you going to achieve this? If your mind is chugging away making positive plans for yourself, it will have no time to be envious of others!

And do talk to your friend.. I would suggest trying to contain the rawness of your emotions, but be honest in that her marriage is bittersweet because you are unbelievably over the moon happy for her and her guy, but at the same time it just reminds you that you're not quite where you're wanting to be in your own life just yet.

[Bug_Lady]

So if everything were different and tomorrow you had a ring on would that soothe you? Being engaged doesn't mean marriage and being married doesn't mean you'll stay together forever. I know saying the parents divorce thing sounds like an excuse but I watched my parents go through one of the nastiest divorces I've ever heard of. Screaming at each other over the phone, name calling etc... 2-year long court battle.....it's been 17 years and they can still hardly be in the same room together. My mom used to have me go into the house when my dad wasn't home to get some of her stuff bc and my dad used to feed me lies about my mom to get me to want to be with him more. Then, after another 5 year long marriage my dad and step-mom got divorced because he was cheating. He is now married to that woman and my mom is re-married to my step-dad. My sister is now getting divorced from her husband of 11 years - they have 3 kids together.

Coming from personal experience, that kind of thing really does make you never want marriage. I would be more prepared to have a kid with my bf right now than to ever get married. And I'm kind of tired of the idea that people spout off "well you just haven't met the right one yet" because that's just not true.

I just hate to see girls falling into the trap of "marriage will make my life complete". You don't have to have a fiancee to have plans and you don't have to be married to be committed. My bf and I are just as committed than any other married couple and we didn't spend $20k on a 4 hour event.

What do YOU want? You can (and should) be successful and happy with or without marriage or a mate. These things come from your own self-worth and you don't need a ring to validate you or who you want to be. And pushing these things on someone who doesn't want them only scares them and pushes them away.

Lizzard - I don't know if I stated this incorrectly or if it's a miscommunication, I was saying I hate it when other women do that. I don't feel I have lost my identity. I hate seeing other girls become an extension of their fiancee the second they get a ring. Just clearing that up. In fact, an ex and I had the marriage talk once and it made him really angry when I said I wouldn't change my last name if we ever did get married. My last name is a part of who I am and I like it....that didn't make him too happy lol

[katzintheclouds]

Thank you all for your support & inspiration to capture what it is I want. You're all very correct that I need to focus on what I want & just do it. I think I have slipped a little away from that passion & motivation that I had a few years ago. I know it's there & you're right, I need to just do it! I think honestly the idea of my boyfriend & I getting married isn't so much that I feel sad that we should be there by now, that's impatience but I don't think I really am so upset because of us. I think it's her.

As I've said earlier, if I had to admit the people I've truly loved in my life, she is one. I love my boyfriend, but sometimes I feel like I've always loved her in a different, raw, real way more than anyone else in my life. It's so hard to admit because, well, I've always expressed how much I love her but I don't think I've ever really grasped how deeply that love is until I find out that she's soon to be someone else's. I'm going to be talking to her today for the first time since the proposal & I'm a little nervous. As I've said before, I don't think she'll misunderstand me, I know she'll understand & I know she won't be weirded out. In my heart I think she'll probably have some feelings like this too. I find myself looking at her pictures from her recent trip where her bf proposed to her & I am totally guilty of just being so jealous, more so that her guy gets her, not that I don't have her life.

I'm trying to work through it, I don't know really how to handle it. I feel self-absorbed & strange to be upset by it, has anyone else been in this situation? I found myself crying this afternoon out of no where when I was thinking about it.