[Strange Life]

I know this is a woman's forum but I couldn't resist. I was just looking for some advice on my relatively fresh break up. I will keep the details somewhat short. ANY advice on what is going on inside this girl's head would be greatly appreciated.


Where to begin, we met each other at our old job over 2 years ago. We worked in a remote location. We don't work your average job. We do a week on a week off. I knew from the moment I saw her that I had to have her. We were both in relationships at the time. Several months later both relationships fell through and I discovered that her feelings were the same for me. The moment she met me she had to have me. We started dating, life was great. We were affectionate, passionate to one another. We loved each other. No questions asked. Fast forward 1 year later. We find a new job together. Doing the same thing, a week on week off, life was supposed to get even better. From the time we quit our old job to the time we broke up we had spent over 90 days in a row together. We went on a month long vacation in that time. Naturally we started to bicker at each other. We would argue and minutes later we loved each other again. One day at our new job, she started to become distant to me. She would avoid me, not overly talk to me, but we would still spend every night together saying I love you before we go to bed.

Her ignoring me was getting to me. We went home and on the ride home we got stuck at a train crossing. I basically flat out asked her if she even wanted to do this anymore. Never in a million years did I expect her to say no. My stomach dropped. She told me we were fighting more than we were having fun, she always felt like walking on egg shells around me, she doesn't love me anymore. etc etc. Remember now, we had spent 90 days in a row together at this point. Every minute of every day. She told me she was packing her things and moving out. No persuading her. We had a trip planned for the next day and she would not be attending. I did what I shouldn't have done I admit, I begged for her not to go. (I know, I know. That is a major no no.) But I only did it that one time.

I go on vacation and sort my thoughts, she goes to her parents. I figured they would help make her realize that we weren't so bad for each other and that we just spent WAY too much time together. A little time apart would do us good. That never happened.

Okay so let's fast forward. I show up to work every day looking completely unaffected by this break up. I have to. I don't beg for her, I don't look sad. This is the part I don't understand. She will not look at me. Where is all this anger and hostility coming from? Is it because I don't look upset by this break up? I will not show her. She said she wanted space so I am giving it to her.

She won't talk to me. The only time she will talk to me is when she tries to affect me or upset me. She told me she went on a 3 day party with some friends and it was her best days off she has had in a long time. That hurt a little. But I didn't let it bother me. I don't think it was true because she really is not a partier. I told her that "this really doesn't sound like you" and she responded with "oh sure it is, I party all the time". Not with me you didn't and she could have many times. I know her better than anybody and I can tell when she is miserable. She is very sad. She broke up with me. This is supposed to be the time of her life? Isn't it? This is what she wanted... What happens from here? She just continues to be ****ed off at me forever because I don't cry for her? Do I talk to her? Do I continue to give her space? Does she love me anymore at all or are those feelings gone?

Ultimately I would like for her to come around and realize this isn't what she wants. We used to be so in love. Where did those feelings go? I continue to work on myself. I am exercising (I look fabulous) furthering my career, building my confidence. I will not wait around for her, but I just want my girlfriend back. Any advice at all PLEASE?!?! Let me know if you need more details.

[jns]

Because you are not looking and acting glum, she probably thinks you were not affected by the breakup. Everything else she has done has been to get you to react. And you are not reacting. Put yourself in her shoes and ask what you would think about your actions and words.

Ask yourself honestly if you have been the one who has had to win all of the fights. If so or almost all, then there is your answer for the split. If you want to get back together, respect her as her own person and show that you are interested and willing to change.

[Strange Life]

Because you are not looking and acting glum, she probably thinks you were not affected by the breakup. Everything else she has done has been to get you to react. And you are not reacting. Put yourself in her shoes and ask what you would think about your actions and words.

Ask yourself honestly if you have been the one who has had to win all of the fights. If so or almost all, then there is your answer for the split. If you want to get back together, respect her as her own person and show that you are interested and willing to change.

What does she want me to do? How attractive would it be if I came to her crying every night begging her to come back. That is a sure fire loss. This way I go out with a little dignity. How do I show her/tell her that I have changed without sounding needy? This is so difficult... I want to tell her that I miss having her in my life. But i feel I would walk into a live firing range.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

From the time we quit our old job to the time we broke up we had spent over 90 days in a row together. We went on a month long vacation in that time. Naturally we started to bicker at each other. We would argue and minutes later we loved each other again. One day at our new job, she started to become distant to me. She would avoid me, not overly talk to me, but we would still spend every night together saying I love you before we go to bed.

May I?

You worked 7 days on, probably 12hrs a day, and then 7 days off. There is a sense of independance for anyone doing those hours.

Lonliness sets in too but, BUT, remembering independance also sets in as well, knowing you know how to live your own life.

You say 90 days... Compulsive...You know the time.

She says "egg shells" so she wasn't allowed to be herself? 90 days with you and no independance.

Can you see something there?

I think you need to re-evaluate what you wrote.

If she felt like she was walking on egg shells and you fought alot, then it is simple.. You previously both had space then none.

And, she felt you controlled why is that?

CW

[Strange Life]

May I?

You worked 7 days on, probably 12hrs a day, and then 7 days off. There is a sense of independance for anyone doing those hours.

Lonliness sets in too but, BUT, remembering independance also sets in as well, knowing you know how to live your own life.

You say 90 days... Compulsive...You know the time.

She says "egg shells" so she wasn't allowed to be herself? 90 days with you and no independance.

Can you see something there?

I think you need to re-evaluate what you wrote.

If she felt like she was walking on egg shells and you fought alot, then it is simple.. You previously both had space then none.

And, she felt you controlled why is that?

CW

I guess I got a little too comfortable with the situation. I was maybe a little insecure with myself and she was the one who was there to take the brunt of it. There were never any major fights. What do you suggest I do from here? I am seeking help with my issues. I just don't know how to let her know that. I love the face I see in the mirror again but ultimately I am missing something.... I think you know what that is.Any suggestions? I want to tell her that I miss having her in my life but I don't want to walk into a live firing range.

[jns]

What does she want me to do? How attractive would it be if I came to her crying every night begging her to come back. That is a sure fire loss. This way I go out with a little dignity. How do I show her/tell her that I have changed without sounding needy? This is so difficult... I want to tell her that I miss having her in my life. But i feel I would walk into a live firing range.

I did not say crying, I said glum. That means looking sad on the outside and feeling sad on the inside. You would have to have mutual acquaintances see you in such a state so it would get back to her. I suppose you could post sad pictures of yourself on facebook, if you both use it. Sometimes being willing to face live fire is what it takes to go after something you want. Sometimes you have to tuck your head in and take it.

[Strange Life]

I did not say crying, I said glum. That means looking sad on the outside and feeling sad on the inside. You would have to have mutual acquaintances see you in such a state so it would get back to her. I suppose you could post sad pictures of yourself on facebook, if you both use it. Sometimes being willing to face live fire is what it takes to go after something you want. Sometimes you have to tuck your head in and take it.

You know what, you are exactly right. I need to give her my message. I have to tell her that I miss having her in my life. Leave it at that. Walk way from there. Just finding the right time to say the message is the hard part for me. Either way, I know. She may not come out and say it right away but it will give her something to think about. I am no more ahead or behind if I say it. I am still single if she says no.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Strange Life.

I admire your love .

I would like to add here though.

When people work long hours 12? for a week and one week off they become very independant.

Now throw those two into a 90+ days 24/7 together, and you admit there was fighting.

You need to consider she is "Independant" and it was too much for her.

And something even more so. "Walking on egg shells" .. Alarm bells go off for me on those words I have been there.

Why would she feel that way as well?

You need to discuss with us examples of these arguements I feel that this has a lot to do with why she walked.

CW

[Strange Life]

Strange Life.

I admire your love .

I would like to add here though.

When people work long hours 12? for a week and one week off they become very independant.

Now throw those two into a 90+ days 24/7 together, and you admit there was fighting.

You need to consider she is "Independant" and it was too much for her.

And something even more so. "Walking on egg shells" .. Alarm bells go off for me on those words I have been there.

Why would she feel that way as well?

You need to discuss with us examples of these arguements I feel that this has a lot to do with why she walked.

CW

I just thought I would mention that the 90 days in a row together was NOT a normal situation. We were just waiting to start our new jobs together. We had some time off from Job A to Job B. We went on a month long vacation together in that time. We suffered from extreme jet lag on the return home, then add the stresses of a new job. We started to nit pick. These are by no means excuses, I am just calling it what it is. Due to the fact that we were ALWAYS together during those 90 days, the little tendencies that the other would do would start to wear. Little deals would become big deals. Tempers would flare and a problem would ensue. I don't really have any extreme examples. Just a bunch of mini ones that formed into a big one in her head. I am not proud of this and i have spent a lot of time working on my issues. That being said, there is a HUGE gap in me right now. I see a girl everyday (for 7 days) who left me for a "better life" and she simply does not look happy living this new found life. She spends her time partying and drinking (or so she tells me. Part of me feels she only says this to try and get under my skin and rattle me.) But I don't let it get to me. She is not a partier or a drinker. She knows I have my life on straight and I do not live life like that. It is just another way to get under my skin. Just my opinion of course. Well my counsellor through all of this says the same.

If this independence is in fact what she needs then I would say by all means, go live on your own, we will have two seperate places and I will come to visit. Vice versa. I just want her back in my life because we truly are amazing together. I feel she misses me too. She has many tell tell signs that I can see. So what I want to do is let her know that I miss having her in my life. That way I know. If she says no, then I can move on. I lose nothing that way. I am already alone, she can't make me feel even more alone. She may not respond today with I miss you too... But you never know. It could be one day.

[lindseylou]

She's drinking and partying because she's upset/depressed. I did the same thing years ago after a break up. Write her a letter telling her you love her, miss her, and want to try to make your relationship work. Maybe even suggest couples therapy, or reading a book like the 5 love languages together. Start slow, like going out for lunch or coffee.
Best of luck!