[asiangrace]

Hey ladies! It's been awhile since I've posted in here.... My fiance and I are having major sex issues. He wants it alot, and I don't have a huge sex drive. But that's not the only problem - he's never romantic about it! He just likes to get laid. I like a little thought and romance in it. I was a virgin until I was 22 because I was saving myself for someone special. He lost his virginity when I was 13. He never puts in any romance in to our sex life, even though I've ask him repeatedly. He will literally come in the room when I'm studying or watching tv, drop his pants, and say "I'm horny, will you blow me?" Then he'll ask to turn on porn. Like that's a real turn on.... It happens too many times and I can't get it through his head that that doesn't turn me on. He listens so well in every other areas of life. We're compatible mentally, emotionally, spiritually...but sexually...it's a stalemate. And, you've seen previous posts of mine, it's been like this for over 3 years. I keep thinking things will change, but they don't. We're suppose to be getting married next year, but I don't know if I want to marry in to this. Sex, for him, the goal is for him to get off. There are many many nights when I make sex about him and he doesn't have to return anything, but he's never done that for me. Because of the lack of romance, I have lack of sex drive and now he's getting mad because I never want sex. It's just a continuous circle. Is this something that can be fixed or is it time for me to walk away? HE WON'T LISTEN!!!!!!

[Darling]

how many sexual relationships has he been in? He may not understand that the act of "sex" isnt enough for a woman. you said that you have talked with him about adding romance, some times romance is a tough thing to come up with. Some men just dont have that trait... i would think that after three years he would begin to figure out what you like and how to please you.


to give you my experience, my husband had no idea how to romance me, or how to make sex about "us". i tried doing extra special things for him in hopes of getting things in return, THAT DOESNT WORK! I was getting so annoyed. but i realized i hadnt really told him what i wanted to do in bed, i just assumed he would figure it out. Well he had no idea i wanted more, i started guiding his hands during sex, stopping a position and pushing him over getting on top, or saying id really like it if you did ------ to me.... He figured it out after that.

some men are oblivious to a woman's needs, they just need a little guidance. My hubby finds it a turn on when i ask him to do things to me, maybe your man will as well. Now he takes extra care to please me and its not just sex.
as for the romance my hubby isnt the candle lit dinner kind of man. and your man might not be either. But he should do something for you that makes your heart melt and your body fill with love. I was in a horrible mood this morning and he surprised me with lunch, i find that romantic!!

What i would recommend: Next time you are going to have sex, take some charge in what happens. Play hard to get if hes trying to go for the normal, play with him, back away from him, tease him, guide his hands and his body into the position you want. tell him to do something that will make you feel good. This is the man you want to be with, then be open with him. If the sex is not right you wont be happy. Give him time to figure it out but he wont be able to if you dont help him, and the best way is the " hands on method"

GOOD LUCK

[Little]

Well, definitely don't get married without solving the problem. I don't know if this is the end, though. I really like Darling's ideas. You might try making him think the romantic things were HIS idea in the first place (I have never been good at this, so I don't really know how to do it, heh.) I say that manipulation is fair game at this stage because this legitimately COULD be the end.

You say this is the ONE thing, but is it really? Does his lack of consideration bleed out of your sex life into other things? If this is just one facet of a larger problem, really take a hard look at the relationship and see if it's worth saving.

[jns]

Many a man are tone deaf when it comes to trying to understand what his woman wants and craves romantically. The fact that he makes no effort to give you pleasure is a problem. Darling has good ideas, see if they work. Unfortunately, he may not respond correctly because most men do not really change, or only do it for a while and then revert back to form. Is he self centered in other situations? Is he unimaginative, also?

[Ashlee T.]

"I'm horny, will you blow me?"

That would be enough to make me never want to give a BJ again. I'd say that would be a turn off for many women. Now...if he had come in...laid down next to you, caressed and and whispered in your ear "I'm so horny..."..........TURN ON! Huge difference. And then turning on porn during? Yeah, if it were me I'd feel totally used.

Have you flat out said "It turns me off so badly when you say that to me?" , "It's such a turn off when you watch porn during, instead of watching me." etc? I think he needs to understand (if he doesn't) that it's not just something that bugs you, it legitimately turns you off. He is taking something that could be great intimacy between two people and turning it into making you feel like you're his personal fleshlight.

It doesn't sound like it's just a lack of romance here.... but also a lack of considering or concern for your pleasure. Sex with a man that would do cartwheels through firey hoops to see you pleasured? PRICELESS. Especially when you're giving him that in return as well.

You say you're compatible in every other way, but truly, is there more to this? If he is "unromantic" in the bedroom and uncaring of your pleasure, what is he like outside the bedroom? Does he make you feel special? Do things to see you happy? Surprise you at times? Make you feel loved?

[AshB$]

I understand how badly it hurts when you care about someone sooo deeply, but it just isn't working out.
You are engaged, now is the time to truly decide if this is really what you want. And if it's not, that's okay. Like you told me, you have to put your mind on yourself to make yourself feel better. Focus on your needs, not his! Especially if he isn't willing to compromise, why should you be expected to do anything for him? It should be a two way street.
I would suggest having a very intense talk with him. Not just a "Hey honey, can we talk?" But a "Sit down, we need to talk now." Because you don't deserve that. I can already tell you are an amazing girl! You deserve happiness. You shouldn't settle for less. Us women need romance. It's a need for most of us. You shouldn't settle for less.
Sometimes we try so hard to make things work, even if we are with the person for years. But you can't let someone walk all over you. Or they will continue to do it. Either lay down the law or get out. But it's all up to you. I just think you deserve a bit more. I'm sorry for your situation. I'm here if you need to talk and I wish you the best of luck in sorting this think out.

xoxo

[rcoreyus]

This is a serious problem, as others have said, you really should work it out before you get married. Maybe he really doesn't understand what you want and can learn. If he were a romantic lover, you might be interested in sex much more often and you would both be happy.

On the other hand, if he really just wants quick, get it done sex, then you 2 are not compatible. You don't need to blame him (blame really doesn't matter at all in a relationship), just let him know that that isn't what you want.

Don't settle - you will regret it in the future. There are many men who also want romance.

[Element]

Nothing should ever just be a "one way" ordeal. I personally suggest sitting down with him, explain how you're not being satisfied, that you have brought this up before and you now feel that on top of it all; you're being ignored. Sex does not make a relationship, but it's an awfully big perk and if things are wrong in the bedroom, they're going to be wrong in the marriage.

I am not married, but I do view sex while being married as an even more intimate act. You stood before those you care for and respect and said "I Do" to someone. You've chosen to have them as a big part of your life until the day you die. So having sex with them when you have every right to them, even legally, I see it as being even closer than someone who is just dating. And to be ignored, unsatisfied, I would take that as a major slap in the face.

I guess a question would be; can you live forever like this? Are you willing to live forever like this? Why does he continue to not listen to you, not satisfy you? Does he just not care or doesn't bother to listen? Either way, it's obviously irritating you if you're posting it online. So I do suggest that you first figure out how you want the outcome to be, and then to talk to your man about it. Do NOT beat around the bush about it. Be upfront and let him know how personal this is for you. That it is no small thing and you NEED an answer.

[Chelsen]

I'm sorry for your situation, I know choosing to stay or go can be one of the hardest decisions in life when you're in love. I do think Beautiful Disaster had it down though, men don't get it when you beat around the bush. They need specifics and told be told exactly what you mean in the most direct and simplest way. When he does it again tell him directly that it turns you off and that what he is doing is making you not want to have sex with him. Hopefully then he will get it! Good luck!