[Valnickyl]

I am a mom of a 16 year old daughter and 11 year old son. Almost 11 years ago I divorced an angry, controlling, narcisssist, who made my life very miserable. When I left him, I gave him residential custody (believe me the biggest mistake of my life, but I thought I was doing it for the right reasons). My daughter was 5 when I left and my son was just turning 1. I have never been out of my childrens' lives, seeing them 2 days a week and every other weekend.

But over the years my ex has truly tarnished my daughter's opinion of me. She is rude to me, blames me for everything and never understands my point of view. My ex treats her like she is his equal, a friend, almost "girlfriend" like. He is remarried with 2 children and even his current wife has issues with the way he is with my daughter.

Recently, my daughter and I had a huge argument over something my ex did (because he always involves her in our issues) and she is no longer coming to my house. My birthday was last Sunday and she didn't even come to see me. She sent me a text saying "Happy birthday"..just like that nothing else.

I am hurting sooo badly and I don't know how to fix it. My daughter and I have never had a huggy/kissy type of relationship...she has always been standoff-ish to me. I know it is her dad's influence, but it hurts me that she can be so mean and ALWAYS takes dad's side over mine. My ex has a lot of money and has all the toys (boats, wave runners, quads, etc.) they go to the gym together, she works for him, they are going on vacation in a couple weeks and she told me that he is going to sneak her into a casino and night club to go dancing with him. My current husband thinks their relationship is very warped, almost boyfriend/girlfriend like. I think it is just my ex trying to turn her against me by giving her everything she wants.

My son on the other hand is very loving and caring toward me. He sees when his father is wrong and stepping over my time and boundaries. I pray that he never turns my son because that would be the end for me.

I am writing because I am hoping to find daughters who have been through what my daughter is going through and maybe can explain to me how I am to handle this. My husband and family tell me to just let her come and go as she pleases, stop fighting my ex and let him take my time to avoid having problems with the kids. I left him because he was always controlling my life, now I have to let him do it to me again through my kids?

I just want to have a relationship with my daughter.

hearbroken and confused

[KMonte85]

Hi Val, and welcome to the forum. I've removed your other thread on this subject as we don't allow duplicate threads (it creates a lot of confusion in the conversation when there are two separate ones going on at the same time).

I just want to say that I'm very sorry for your situation. It is such a shame that your ex would manipulate his own children in an attempt to turn them against you. Your daughter is blinded by his influence right now. All she sees is a "cool dad" who treats her like an adult (which at that age, I'm sure she craves), who gives her the world, and who never holds her responsible for her actions. And then there is you - who treats her exactly as you should, as a parent.

As far as her attitude goes, there isn't a ton you can do. She has to grow up and realize that her dad is in no way doing her any favors, and that, unfortuantely, takes time... Trying to talk to her might work, but probably not since she's at that age where she knows everything :/ I guess if I were you, despite how tainted her behavior is, continue to support her, continue to open your home to her and invite her to your family activities, and let her know at every opportunity how much you love her, since the opportunities might be decreasing due to her not staying with you anymore. Maybe some day soon she'll realize how silly she's being.

It also depends how far you want to go in rocking the boat. You could insist on counselling, perhaps talking to an attorney (do the kids have a court appointed legal rep you could speak to? or her school?). Discuss the conflict you've been having and suggest it would be healthy for everyone if family counseling was started... Also, if he's doing things like sneaking her into casinos while she's underage, he could get into some trouble. I don't know what the laws are in your state - some places parents are allowed to take their underage children into bars and casinos, others don't. If you're in a state that doesn't allow that, and you have proof that he did it, you could potentially take him to court. That's of course even more drastic than couseling.

[Valnickyl]

This has been a long and horrible divorce.....my daughter was in counseling but at some point refused to talk and the therapist suggested that we not push her any more.

My ex has a problem with trampling on my time.... he takes my weekend days, plans things on my time so my kids have to come late (and he always does it last minute so the kids are like "mom.. we really want to go.."). I have gone down the legal route, with police and the courts and basically all there is is a slap on the wrists.

My wonderful and very patient husband keeps telling me that I need to just let it be. My ex is never going to have any consideration for me and when I try to fight him it makes my daughter more angry with me. She looks at her dad like he is the world. Recently, my daughter was caught shop lifting and when I brought my ex to talk with my daughter his words were "how can I really give her a hard time...she has seen me do it". Yes, I spoke to my lawyer but the reality it, no proof and that's how the court works. I can't prove he has shop lifted in front of her and she won't go against dad in court.

She says things to me like I don't care about their schooling, sports, anything they want to do... it is all about me. I always felt that if I didn't fight for what was right my kids would look at me like I had no power..they would feel they couldn't count on me cause daddy gets whatever he wants. But in the end all my standing up for myself turned my daughter even further away. I haven't seen her since last Friday when she and her dad were laughing at me because I was upset that my ex was taking my time again on my weekend. I sent her an email yesterday saying "we need to talk". She wrote back "why"...I wrote: "to clear this up"....she wrote "I don't have time"...I wrote: "you never have time?"....she wrote: "nope". I got the hint, but now don't know what to do. Leave her alone? Wait for her to come back? When she comes back do I just let it go? It doesn't feel right to have her come and go as she pleases. My husband says I should because why keep fighting. It makes me feel like now I have to be under my daughter's control AND my ex husband's. I am sooo frustrated.

[Claret]

Do you have shared custody? Do you just have access on weekends? Are you the primary custodial parent? How old is your daughter? Why do you think your ex has so much influence on your daughter? How are her grades? How is her relationships with other siblings if any? Do you and your husband have children together, does your ex have another family? So many questions that need answering prior to trying to determine what needs to be done. With things escalating you may want to involve an agency that is equipped to handle the issues rather than trying to go it alone.
Right now the only advise I can offer that may have some sense to it, is just remember, she will grow up and mature, and she will be able to determine how things really are. All you should do, is love her, be consistant in both your praise and your rules and regulations. Insist upon your legally agreed upon time with her. In the end she will come to realize what sacrifices you are making.

[Valnickyl]

Claret....we have joint custody with him have primary residential custody. I see my kids 2 days a week and every other weekend. My daughter is 16 and my son is 11. Why does my ex have so much influence.... he is very manipulative, lies without any conscience and has lied to my daughter for many years about why we split up. He has quite a deal of money and he uses it very well.... manipulating everyone around him with it, even his own family. One time when my ex and my daughter were fighting, he told his mother (my daughter's grandmother) that if she called my daughter he would no longer pay her bills. The grandmother would hide in the closet to call my daughter. No one stands up to my ex. My son is terrified of him. He isn't physically abusive (as far as I know) but he is a very very strong personality and he can be frightening.

Insisting on my legally agreed time with her hasn't been very productive. That was the issue of this past weekend...he scheduled a scuba diving lesson on my saturday morning. He never told me about it...never discussed it with me.... the night before he tells my son to tell me that he is picking the kids up the next morning at 6:00 a.m. I had plans made for the night and told my ex no. Well that night my daughter comes with me for my weekend only to be mad and give me a hard time about not being able to go. I tried to explain that I will not revolve my life around her father's plans, especially when he didn't have the consideration to discuss it with me. She flipped out saying very mean things like "dad is a better person now that he is not with you".... very untrue believe me. So with that she left...the next day she shows up at my house at 6:00 a.m. demanding that my son get ready to leave and go with her and my ex to scuba. My son did not want to go as he had friends sleeping over (plans made over a week prior). I go outside tell my ex to get off my property or I will call police (been there done that...gets me nowhere). My son being upset about police involvement says I will just go mom. It is sad because I feel like my son thinks I have no parental power, like I can't help him or take a stand. My ex wound up getting his way and my daughter still has not talked to me.

My daughter once said to me, "Mom, dad is like my baby. I have to take care of him. I love him more than anyone else. He needs me." To me that says it all.... a very sad statement and a very clouded relationship.

[Claret]

When I went through my divorce and custody, my daughter wanted nothing to do with the Dad. He had physically and sexually abused her -- so I could understand her position and it was a mote point because he never asked for visitation anyway. However, with my young son he got visitation. He actually told me he had something to prove and that by taking my son he could "prove it". So my son went to his house for his weekends and the odd weekday. One day my son said he wanted to go live his his Dad and the reason was --"you have (daughter), Dad has no-one". I realized I couldn't talk to him about what went on and I couldn't tell him about the sexual abuse, but he knew about the physical abuse upon me. After weeks and weeks of this back and forth, I finally relented and let him go live with his Dad. After six months, my son came to me for the weekend (he spent most weekends with me and the odd weeknight) and he just never went back. He was being neglected, emotionally, food wasn't always available and if he just took it from the fridge he got in trouble. At 11 his Dad (who worked shift work) would leave him alone in the house overnight. I never knew about this or CAS would have been contacted. Anyway, when I asked for child support, to be told just to send son back - it gave me great pleasure to state that 1) he wouldn't be going back because 2) he didn't want to. That was almost 20 years ago, his Dad has contacted him only two or three times.
The point of all of the above, is that kids are smart and they know. If they don't know today, they will know tomorrow. Be patient, but you don't have to take things lying down. You have rights and there are agencies that will help you inforce those rights.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If your daughter sees her father as "her baby" that she has to take care of him, loves him to death and yet, your ex, plays on your feelings deliberately and also includes her in his games.. Then you have to use reverse physcology.

She's 16, in 10 years time or less, she is going to see the writing on the wall clearer, she's still a child and in a difficult age group, where she wants to be an Adult as well.

She obviously knows how to love. Yet you two have never been the hugging, laughing, "friends" and Mother / Daughter...

She would hold that also against you, nothing to do with who has custody, rather I think, a deep rooted feeling you have about that occuring and where you are at, a regret and a dislike for the ex.

If you can try to let that go. Try to "pretend" at least to start with until it feels ok, that you no longer care, you don't have to feel guilty and you do love your kids and they you and start just laughing, smiling, hugging, not talking down to any of them, or care if he's late.. Take interest in what's happening in her life and try to be a "new friend" someone different, someone she always wanted in her life, a Mother who is a friend I think, you will see the tables turn.

There can be no guilt, nor blame. It's time to let all of that go. You have a husband you love.. So you are happy right? Now use that and bring it into your family as a whole, anger and regrets usually lead to more trouble.

CW

[jns]

There is a tendency for girls to love their fathers more and boys to love their mothers more. If you have the money, time and energy, keep on taking him to court for custodial interference. Show your daughter you are willing to fight for her. It may not make a difference now, but it may later on. Can you stack your 2 days a week and custody every other weekend together so you have 6 days in a row every other week? Can that work for you? Longer periods of time together may be better.

[Valnickyl]

CW..... I have ALWAYS been a loving, caring, and giving mom. It is my daughter who does not reciprocate. She is very cold toward me. When I try to be affectionate she pushes me away. Her dad has a lot of influence on her and she believes most of what he says....or even if she does not believe it, she would rather appease his feelings my turning me away.

I have gone the route of ok I won't push the envelope and not argue over my time, but when I step back my ex takes even more time (he has the time and money and plan all sorts of outings, boat trips, wave runners, ski trips, etc). So I had to start fighting for my time with my children...he left me no choice.

JNS.... The only way to stack my time would be to go to court. I have proposed in the past one week on with him and one week on with me. My ex has flatly refusing saying he does not want to spend 7 days away from the kids. My daughter and son both have no problem with that situation, but neither will go to court. I am stuck.

Went to pick up my son last nite and my daughter answered the door (it was not necessary for her to do, she didn't say a word, looked at me gave me a sarcastic grin and walked away from the door). She wants me to come to her and basically "kiss her ***" for her to forgive me. She has done this in the past with my ex and he has completely complied. She one told me that "all I have to do is say I want [stepmom] gone and dad will do it." Very sad that she feels she has sooo much power over adults.

I decided last nite, that I cannot let a child dictate my life. If she wants to come back and talk to me about the situation I am more than happy, but I will not be going to her. It hurts and stresses me too much to have her dictating when and if she wants to see me.

I hoping to find on the forum daughters who have been through a horrible divorce and may understand what my daughter is going through so I can get a feeling for what my daughter is going through.

[jns]

Best wishes. I hope she doesn't go too far down the road she is on. She will not have a life that is very happy if she continues. Maybe she will see the light when she is a few years older.