[SourceAvenger]

I am having a terrible problem with my current fiance. This is my first relationship ever I am 21 and I just cannot seem to get over her past. She was feeling guilty about her past and less than a month into the relationship told me pretty much everything in detail that she had done with her ex's. She had done every one of the possible sex acts you can within her past relationships. There has been tons of trust issues within the relationship so far.
First she was talking to her ex who she almost ended up marrying on a daily basis and it was always about our relationship(intimacy, her gynochologist appointments, our fights, etc), family, friends, and all the problems going on in her life. She would go to him for any situation that was upsetting her before me or anyone else. Last summer when we were fighting allot(we both were very stubbourn), she was planning to try and have me meet her ex. I didn't want to so I backed out of the plans and she had still been planning to meet up with her ex over a 1000 miles away from where I was at and spend the day with him where he was staying. I expressed my concern with that and so she canceled the trip.
The other trust issues were she would make promises and always break them, swear up and down that she had told me everything from her past, and promise me that she never did this or that with anyone but me. Almost everyday it was a new detail from her past, broken promise or the things she talked to her ex about.
My views on sex and sexual acts was 50x times stronger and developed than hers due to the difference in our chilldhood upbringing. She viewed sex as something of little or no value other than the pleasure from it, that even if she felt wrong or bad doing something it was fine because "it was just sex". My viewpoint was based on scientific research, religion and logic and was pretty much the following. "Sex joins the mind, heart, body, soul, and spirit of the parties involved and connects you at a permanent level that can never be truly broke.". I also believed in waiting until marriage and saving yourself for your future spouse.
I have done all of the firsts you can in a relationship with her and a few of those things she promised me for a year had never occured with her ex's because she didnt want to do it or whatever. Well I actually believed we had SOMETHING that was only ours and noone elses but she told me a few days ago in detail how each one of those things were done with her ex's.
What kills me is that everyday I think about how much I love her and care about her but her past has been destroying the relationship. Me trying to undo all of my beliefs to try and cope with her past(because I couldn't otherwise), has stressed me to the point where I have been physically sick for 3 months now and been at my mental breaking point this whole time aswell. I have had constant abdominal pain, upset stomach, complicated migranes(headaches with stroke symptoms), and now I have been diagnosed with asthma most likely.
I get extremely detailed visualizations and audioizations that are so detailed they incorporate the thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions and pleasure of both the parties involved and is so realistic that when they are occuring it feels like she is actually cheating on me in the present even though I know she isn't. These thoughts have now moved into my sleep aswell and now I have constant nightmares about the things shes done and with who.
I feel like nothing we did pysically is special because it will always be shared with her ex's and all of them she had motives behind doing them. The one and only thing I really REALLY thought of as special is the one thing that she had a motive behind relating to me being upset with her ex's.
She has changed so much but at the same time my mind is stuck in the past its like I cannot accept her past and her being with someone else because I love her so much I just cant. I have tried for a year now to block it out, logic it out, alter the viewpoints on it, and just accept it. But no matter what I have done it hasnt worked and my entire mind is constantly overwhelmed with these thoughts I cannot stop them, its reached a point where I feel I have lost control. I had many barriers put in place mentally to stop my deeply rooted anger problem from ever coming into a physical manifestation even if my thoughts are sometimes even scary to me on what I think about doing to people who really hurt my family, myself, or my friends. Most of those barriers are gone and I have almost done things that I would have regretted physically to people due to the barriers being broken by the current situation. I feel like I am at a mental breaking point everyday and one of these days am going to go friggen insane(not joking).
With all of this relationship stress me and her are trying to support my mom who has breast cancer stage 2 and bone cancer, my uncle, myself and her. My uncle is putting pressure constantly on me not to leave her just for the monetary aspect, aswell as trying to convince me my own health would suffer worse because of her 1000$ bed being theraputic to my abdominal pain and knee pain. If we broke up she has said she will take her bed with her and stop helping support my mom and uncle. I am a full time student work almost full time and am the president of some very high up student groups on my college campus. I am on academic probation for dropping too many classes, and am in risk of losing my job due to that. My friends 2 year anniversary of her death happened a month ago and along with all of this my car is breaking down and I owe around 20k in medical bills and law firms have been contacting me threatening legal action. I know all of this stress is feeding into the inability to get over her past and making it harder than it probably needs to be right now.
It’s not that I cannot accept that I cannot change the past or that I cannot accept that everyone makes mistakes its more along the lines of me thinking about how not only does her ex’s all have extremely detailed vivid memories of the pleasurable sexual acts that occurred from the visuals, sounds, feelings, pleasure, sensations, thoughts and emotions. But also that she does aswell and that until the day each one of are all dead then no one will ever be able to forget those details. What worse is I think about how they can aswell as her revisit those memories anytime they want to if all they want to do is think about sexual acts they’ve commited and with those thoughts comes the detailed memories of pleasure, etc that occurred with it.
Me and her both do not want to end the relationship especially since we recognize that the stress of the situation is adding allot of fuel to the fire but also we do recognize the other big factor is all the mistrust she bred within the relationship. Not only did she do all the things I mentioned before but EVERYTIME she got upset with a relationship she resorted to cheating on her partner as a way to get back at them. I never considered it in the past as a future threat but I have started to just because theres so many times she had lied to me, broken promises, or hidden things for extended periods of time.
The relationship has turned into a daily feeling of the worst possible emotional pain you can feel from my perspective being constant with me. I literally have been hurting more than if a close relative like my mother were to pass away. I have broken down crying atleast 10 times this week which is something that I never do, I avoid any crying if and at all possible(ego thing I guess). But I have literally reached a point of depression aswell where suicidal thoughts are becoming more and more common aswell as thoughts of drinking and doing drugs as ways to escape the problem at hand. All of those things I put mental blocks in to never consider them aswell but those blocks are gone and those thoughts have been racing through my thoughts more than I care to admit.
I feel like if I break up with her I will regret the decision 10 years from now allot but at the same time I do not feel like I will EVER get passed the details from her past. I actually looked for someone who would have saved themselves for marriage like I was working on my entire life to fulfill. Because I knew that my partners past would destroy me if it involved another person who she did sexual acts with. It’s not that I haven’t forgiven her or that I just don’t love her enough because I have and I love her more than anything else in the world. But her past has caused me get my beliefs so destroyed while trying to cope with her past that I no longer believe in god almost at all or see a plan in my life :/. My view of sex has been destroyed and thus I don’t even know what to believe on it anymore, after everything that occurred thus far I feel it is almost only a purely physical act no matter how much emotion or love is combined with it.
There is a few situation in particular that make it extremely hard for me to even consider as anywhere near acceptable. Firstly her and her first ex were watching a movie with his mom and younger sister in the living room once in the middle of the day(room is brightly lit). Her ex put his head under the blanket they were covered by and she pulled up her shirt and bra and was fingered and had her breasts stimulated for 15-20 minutes. She was making audible noises, moaning and finally ended up saying something related to her not being able to take it anymore because he is driving her crazy. She said it outloud and the mom looked over many times throughout this process that had been occurring and she knew what was going on between her 17 year old son and my fiancé who at that time was 14 years old(and barely 14 at that). This situation hits me the wrong way in every possible aspect, first of all it wasn’t a private intimate act it was done just feet away from his mom and little sister, it was against the law due to the age of consent laws(which really cover any sexual acts if you think about how its read most the time), and he obviously had no respect for his family to put his mom in that situation and his 10 year old sister.
I feel like my viewpoint of her has changed from this pure, innocent, special person who is the love of my life to her being a used, tainted, promiscuous, adulterous, person who is the love of my life. I do not blame her for the things that she did as she wasn’t raised in the best of situations but that is what makes this so difficult I can fogive the actions and love her even with that past but I cannot seem to be able to imagine me being in a life long marriage with her if I cannot get passed her past sexual escapades.
I understand that part of this is due to me feeling like I didn’t get what I was hoping for in the aspect of my fiancés past, that I am probably insecure somewhere at some level, and that if I love her so much I should be able to get over her past. But what has made this an almost impossible task is the lack of ANY trust with her, the excruitiating level of detail that she told me her past in, and my strong beliefs on sex still being prominent in how I look at her past. Also the idea that I will never share the first experience with any sexual act between me and her. From my end it may be my first time but with her it’s the 2nd-4th person that she has done these things with. And I cannot even be physically attracted to her anymore because all I think about is her body and where not only they kissed and stimulated her but what body parts entered what holes in her body :/. Its like there is NOWHERE on her body that hasn’t been kissed, sucked, groped, fingered or ****ed ;(. I am literraly left with feeling every inch of her body is covered by the things her exs did to her.
What has made this even harder is that all of her past relationships were partionally emotionally but mainly sexually driven and all she cared about was being wanted sexually by men. She would wear extreamely revealing sexy clothing in public to get guys attention, wear extremely revealing and sexual clothing”if any at all” with her ex’s, and has flashed guys she wanted to cheat on there gf with. This alone is hard to deal with because I logic it out as those relationships her viewing more as friends with benfits while she was sexually curious, but our relationship being a more emotional, intimate connection and thus is somehow different. But it doesn’t seem to ever help me at all :/.
I thank you all for taking the time to read my extremely long message and hope you will be able to help out somehow.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi SourceAverage.

Where the heck did you pick that name from? Average is not a word a person should use to describe themselves.

Welcome to the Forum.

You know if you re-read that post firstly, I can tell your heart is breaking, but secondly how many red flags are there?

It would be one thing if this was all about, her coughing up and telling you about her past sex life, in order for you to be "like that" as sex is definately important in a relationship, it has to "click" properly, no inhibitions with both partners, past is past and the intimacy shared is between you regardless of what has been done or not done in the past, who cares? When you love and when you are in love, you have to understand that love outways anyones past, that is learning, or being... No one has a right to get upset over what has previously been done or not done honestly.. We own ourselves.

Well I actually believed we had SOMETHING that was only ours and noone elses but she told me a few days ago in detail how each one of those things were done with her ex's.

If you want my opinion she is still in love with her ex, or hung up on him.. It's one thing to still be friends and ask you to meet, to be friends.. But, to do what she did must have really hurt your pride, ego but also YOU. Why would a woman do that?

If her past relationships were about sex only, you need to understand that she doesn't value herself because she doesn't believe in herself nor that she can be loved, or that she is worth it. This is her problem and she needs counselling and all be it a better man to realise that and not to think, that she doesn't value a relationship she just doesn't believe, in my opinion, that it exists. Why? Because she has been used for sex every time and no one has married her. She uses sex, I believe in order to attract, it's her asset it's all she knows.

She needs counselling in my opinion.

But you also need to look at this as you see it from the point of view of ewe, she's done this, that, mind you she is constantly throwing it at you, in your face. You are not seeing it for what it is, as written above.

That makes you insecure and something you need to work on.

How long have you two been together? How long engaged?

CW

[Claret]

Okay, my take on this. Did you ask her for any details of her past relationships? Did she volunteer or was she cornered into telling. Past relationships and past sexual escapades are just that -- in the past. Most people don't volunteer the entire sexual history of each partner, they may say to current boyfriend well, I've slept with X number of people but. . .
If she is telling you in detail what each sexual partner and she did, then she either has no choice in the telling (you keep asking for details and she goes along with it) OR she is pushing all your buttons for some reason on purpose by bragging and telling your each detail.
If her past sexual history is making you uncomfortable, then I think you know what you have to do. If there is no way you can wrap your head and mind around it, you should let her go for both of your sakes. Then perhaps you both would be able to find someone more compatible and more in tune with each others moral compass.

[KMonte85]

I am having a terrible problem with my current fiance. This is my first relationship ever I am 21 and I just cannot seem to get over her past. She was feeling guilty about her past and less than a month into the relationship told me pretty much everything in detail that she had done with her ex's.

I must ask how long have you been with your fiance? From later in your posts it seems you have known for over a year. So you've been struggling with this and tormenting yourself for a year?

My views on sex and sexual acts was 50x times stronger and developed than hers due to the difference in our chilldhood upbringing.

Just because you view sex differently than your fiance does, does not in any way mean that you are right or that your viewpoint is "more developed". It also doesn't mean that she is right. It just means your views differ. If you're that passionate about your beliefs that you've become physically sick over her sexual past, I don't know if that is repairable in a relationship. At this point, it seems you are both punishing her and punishing yourself by staying and trying to get over it.

I get extremely detailed visualizations and audioizations that are so detailed they incorporate the thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions and pleasure of both the parties involved and is so realistic that when they are occuring it feels like she is actually cheating on me in the present even though I know she isn't. These thoughts have now moved into my sleep aswell and now I have constant nightmares about the things shes done and with who. ... I had many barriers put in place mentally to stop my deeply rooted anger problem from ever coming into a physical manifestation even if my thoughts are sometimes even scary to me on what I think about doing to people who really hurt my family, myself, or my friends. Most of those barriers are gone and I have almost done things that I would have regretted physically to people due to the barriers being broken by the current situation. I feel like I am at a mental breaking point everyday and one of these days am going to go friggen insane(not joking).

If you're serious about this, this is VERY obsessive behavior, and is truly unhealthy. Someone mentioned that your fiancee should seek counseling for her views on casual sex. Personally (and I'm not trying to sound harsh here), I think you need counseling FAR more than she does. If your descriptions of the situation are true, you have developed a very unhealthy obsession - to the point that it has completely taken over your mind, you're making yourself sick, and thinking violent thoughts. Not good. Not good at ALL. Seek a professional who can help you work through your obsessive, painful, and violent thoughts in a healthy way. Again, not trying to be a jerk here.. but your descriptions come of as this becoming a dangerous situation for everyone, including yourself. This needs professional attention.

If we broke up she has said she will take her bed with her and stop helping support my mom and uncle.

Factor this completely out of your decision to stay or go, regardless of what your uncle says. It is selfish to stay with someone you are replused by simply because they make your fiancial well being a little more cooshy. That is using her, and is unfair. She is a human being.. she deserves to be treated like one and have her feelings taken into consideration as well.

She has changed so much but at the same time my mind is stuck in the past its like I cannot accept her past and her being with someone else because I love her so much I just cant.

...


It’s not that I haven’t forgiven her or that I just don’t love her enough because I have and I love her more than anything else in the world.

...


I feel like my viewpoint of her has changed from this pure, innocent, special person who is the love of my life to her being a used, tainted, promiscuous, adulterous, person who is the love of my life.

...

And I cannot even be physically attracted to her anymore

Read this. Read it again. Have you truly forgiven her? Absolutely not. You keep punishing her, and yourself, for the actions of her past. This is not forgiveness. You say it, but you have quite obviously not forgiven her in your heart. If you had, these negative emotions would not be devouring your mind. You do not need to forget what's she's done, you don not need to condone it either, but you have to move forward from it. You have to let go of the hurt and focus on the future. How can you possibly say you've forgiven her when you consider her used goods, tainted, promiscuous?

And honestly, although this is purely opinion but I feel I must say it. She doesn't need your forgiveness for choices she made in her past. I feel you've made yourself a martyr in this situation, blaming her for your pain and the trouble in your relationship, when really the control to move forward and stop the hurt lies with YOU.

She can't change her past. YOU can change how you deal with it. She told you within a month of dating about her sexual history - you've chosen to spend 12 times that amount of time dwelling on it. If after all this time, you're still reeling from the revelation that your fiance isn't the puritanical gal you thought she was, then do yourself a favor (and her) and end things.

It is ridiculous to continue the pain and suffering... whether or not you're perfect together otherwise, this is an unhealthy situation, and you would both very much benefit from separating yourselves from it.

[Ashlee T.]

Welcome to WH. We're glad you posted. Now, the warning is this.....you will get honest advice here so please try not to be offended as we will truly only try to help you.

You need counseling. I can tell you that with certainty. This is not about her. This is about you. Every girl you meet will have a past of some sort. Your fiance cannot do ANYTHING about what she has done in her past (which by the way doesn't sound promiscuous or wild to me......) If forgetting to tell you one instance in her past is cause for lack of trust on your part, she has absolutely no chance of winning here.

She sounds a bit immature. And it sounds like she's done a thing or two since the start of this relationship to breach your trust a bit, but NOWHERE in comparison to what you truly feel. In other words, the punishment here does not fit the crime.

Punishing her for her past is like punishing her for her bone structure. She cannot change either one. And she shouldn't have to. She is who she is and she deserves someone who can love her for WHO she is. I'm not seeing any undying love here between you two, at least on your part. What I see is a guy who feels weak, insecure, has very low self esteem and therefore is hanging on because he doesn't think he can do any better. All the while judging her and obsessing over things she cannot change to the point of in my opinion, being emotionally abusive.

This relationship does not need to result in a marriage. Before you even consider taking this relationship even ONE step further, you need to seek counseling. Not couples counseling..... one on one counseling for you. You're viewing yourself as a victim here... someone with health problems, with sick family, someone not financially capable of handling things alone, someone who has this despicable promiscuous girlfriend who has been with other men. There is nothing wrong with her past. There IS something wrong with the way you're treating her over it. You are not the victim here. So pick yourself up and decide to make a change. If you truly want things to be better in your own head, you're going to have to get yourself some help.

[SourceAvenger]

CHANDLERS WISH, I had picked my name because I like programming software/websites and also love all the movies styled like the avengers and stuff! . My heart is breaking constantly over this I lover her so much and I really cannot imagine a life without her(logically I can just due to how relationships work), but emotionally I cannot it tears me up inside to even consider it let alone do it ;(. And I know that since I care about her so much I should be able to get over her past and move on and focus on the present and future instead. But I have always been a very intelligent, less common sense person who breaks everything down and has to find the truth behind it all. Not only that but my beliefs on the importance of sexual intimacy I have researched, developed and held since I was a teenager. I always felt like I would need someone with no sexual past(drugs and drinking I can get over) because of the way I thought about things. Now that I am so crazily in love with her I just can't accept and truly consider that she has slept with other men in the past and she enjoyed it, as well as them. It literally feels like my heart is being ripped to shreds each day I try to sort this out :/. Yes she had admitted to me that last summer she had second thoughts about the relationship and remembered hers and her ex's at the time. She has stopped talking to him 2 months ago because I was sick and tired of the lack of trust it was creating. She has had counseling from 2 counselors but it wasnt for very much time and they wern't really trying to help her with her past more small talk. I agree she needs 1 on 1 counseling as much as I do :/. She has admitted to me and I have caught onto that fact that she always worse skimpy clothing and purposely acted openly sexual in school to try and attract guys to her. She said she was lonely and just wanted to feel wanted. We have been engaged since April 29, 2012 and we have been dating since March 7th, 2011.

Claret, She volunteered to tell me about her past and didn't really leave me with much of a choice it was more like "I really have been upset about my past and I need to tell you everything so you can know why", she didnt really give me a choice in the matter and in all honesty I didn't believe what I was about to hear. Over that next year she would remember more details about the situations and tell me and there was times where she would be like "I know a few things I remember about my past will upset you so I am not going to tell you them even though i remember now", and I am like WTF??? Why would you dangle the carrot out there knowing I will bite it? Trying to accept her past feels like to me trying to force a square peg into a circle slot it just never fits no matter how many ways I meneuvor or alter the way I am trying to put it through the slot. You understand what I mean? It feels like its impossible to accept. I have been leaning towards breaking up for awhile but haven't due to me not wanting to hurt her and not wanting to put in jepeordy my families well being. Aswell as me feeling like its impossible to live without her . But this is starting to hurt her more and more everyday and shes starting to feel what I have been feeling for months now ;(.

KMonte85, I have been struggling with this over a year I have talked with her many times and tried to explain how much it was hurting me but she just didn't understand. She kept telling me more and more about her past because she felt that would somehow fix it, it only made it worse because I never felt that when she kept telling me she told me everything and there was nothing left that it was actually everything and not just her saying it. I have talked with every friend, family member, spent hours and hours of reasearch each day finding new perspectives, new ways to think about it, and ways to try and eliminate the thoughts. None of these methods worked and suppressing the thoughts worked for awhile most days until it built up to a point I couldnt suppress them anymore. I do agree that it is not only punishing me now but her aswell for something we cannot change or prevent only learn to cope with. I have been leaning more towards breakup because I just cannot accept the love of my life having slept with another set of men willingly and actually feeling the emotional, visual and physical pleasure of those actions aswell :/. Knowing they will always remember those acts hurts allot to because they can be revisted at any time . I am already in counseling i have been for 3 months now it hasn't helped and the stress in my life has progressed me farther into depression. I finally came clean to my managers at the school about my suicidal thoughts I have had been happening. They pulled strings to get the best psychologist at my college who is the head of the counseling department aswell. I met with him the first time last week and he seemed overwhelmed and didn't know where to begin. I meet with him today aswell and will be updating him on what has happened since last week and see if there is any way to approach this to get me over her past because I fear no matter how much I love her my endurance to try and see it through is almost gone and hers is rapidly eroding aswell. The angry thoughts I have always been able to suppress completly through logic but as of late the relationship and non-relationship stress has been driving me to a point of what I feel will be a mental break if a breakthrough or decision isnt made soon and acted upon. Btw I should probably note as well my physician believes I have add and has me on Addaral for about 5 months now. I used to sleep every minute of the day that I wasnt working because I was always exhausted and could never focus. Now I can focus and stay awake but now I have all this time during the day to consider all the angles :/. And its not that I directly benefit from her being there its more my mom and uncle who would be homeless if the income was lost because my income is the same as hers and she contributes the majority of it to maintaining the household like I do. I am limited on the amount of hours I can work due to being on Academic Probation for dropping too many classes in too short of a time period. I have been considering her feelings since day 1 and have always put her needs above my own but I am at a mental breaking point now due to always having to be the one encouraging her and getting her through the days while im in a extremely intense depression right now :/. Its not negative emotions, whats been happening is every single time I think about how much I love her the thoughts of her past come in and then make me physically sick because I cannot accept she has willingly slept with other men in the past. I love her so much that even considering that possibility hurts at such a level that I cant even describe ;(. I wasn't saying I considered her used goods but its more like when I start to really think about her physically, and emotionally I see and remember all these ties to her ex's and her past and it makes me feel like she is still connected with them no matter how much I wish she wasn't and no matter how much I try to get over it. The constant pain from trying to cope with her being with people in the past has literally destroyed my positive outlook on everything including life. Everyone around me knows it even if they do not know what is going on. They tell me they are scared for me because they can see me ina constant depression for the last 6 months or so. I know she doesnt need forgiveness from me for her past but I have already forgave her yes I was upset for awhile but I have gotten over being upset at her decisions and am more upset now with the actual actions that occured that can never be undone, that they will haunt me forever about how we will never be able to be the first to share there experiences together. You have no idea how much it kills me that I spent my whole life so dedicated to christiantiy and forgiveness and love needing to be a everyday lifestyle, and then now that I am in a situation where truly if I ever got over her past it would be a true demonstration of gods power because I knew I personally would never be able to get over such a past with the one I love because I knew it would hurt too much and too often to think about her and them together.

Beautiful Disaster, I know I need counseling I have been going for months now it still hasnt really helped the situation because my old counselor didn't know how to understand and approach the situation to try and fix it and my new counselor has only met with me once so far. Her past is promiscious and wild to me, I was raised in a christian household and lifestyle and spent most of my life looking at things not only from scientific standpoint but a scriptural one aswell and thats why I held off on having sex for over a year of her DAILY multiple times a day trying to convince me to do it. Finally when I gave in I felt we were both ready and it was only because we truly loved eachother then a week later she admitted to me that she did it to try and get me over her ex's and her past because she hoped if we did that that it would mean I couldnt be upset about her past and the things she done with other guys before because I would have gotten to do those same things with her. And she didn't just forget one thing its been hundreds and there has been many promises made related to what she said did or didnt happen in the past and days, weeks, months later she would turn around and tell me she either hid it from me on purpose or really did forget. When she would hide it from me on purpose(which was a very often occurance) is when it would really really hurt and destroy the small amounts of trust that I was building with her each time. I really do have a undying love for her or I wouldnt be pushing myself a mental breakdown to try and resolve her past within myself. I have been fighting it since the day she told me and used every piece of advice people gave me to no avail :/. I am not weak I actually am a very strong willed and convicted person, aswell as a pretty high self esteem yeah I dont like being in front of allot of people in public because i do have stage fright but thats about it. I know there is women out there without the sexual past, if I can do it as a guy and having peer pressure from all my friends, family, and my own father to go out and drink party and sleep around then I believe there has to be women out there who can as well. I do not question that if I really wanted to be with someone that I couldn't convince them to date me. Its more a thing that I can see how whole heartidly my fiance loves me, believes that we can work this out, and just doesn't want to end up hurt again especially over something from her past that she and I cannot control. She really is hurt because this entire relationship i have always been comforting her, always made decisions 50/50 with her so she never felt forced into anything and always made sure to do my best never to make her feel hurt from things I say or do. But lately my mind has been so overwhelmed its been a constant battle to not lash out and be irratable about how much this is all stressing me out. BD I didnt really get upset so much until this last week when I finally couldnt take holding the pain in anymore and had to let her know how serious it was. I have been trying me best not to be emotionally abusive but at times its extremely extremely hard due to the pain I have been and continue to feel. I wasn't saying I am a victum BD I was saying that with all the stress going on around me I can see how the one thing in my life I have some control over is the thing suffering because its also stressing me out but I have control over it :/. The marriage items we have on layway are probably going to end up being lost because we dont want to pay 500+$ for wedding stuff when right now we dont even know if well be able to continue the relationship int he first place. Her past upsets her daily and has since we met, she feels dirty, wrong, and tainted by it. Her sexual curiosity began around age 8 because had a early puberty and progressed rather quickly from the point forward. Her mother was the kind of woman who never explained why she put rules in place and never had the talk with her she just told her no sex and all she saw in her childhood was her mom sleeping around with all these guys and watching all these sexually themed movies and such. And I haven't been taking this out on her but this last week its been happening because everyday it feels like I am being pushed beyond my mental capabilities more and more. Also I do have enough control over my thoughts not to do anything terrible but not enough to get the happiness and joy we shared through allot of the relationship. The thoughts and everything has eaten all of those feelings up now im only feeling pain and sadness .

[Ashlee T.]

When she would hide it from me on purpose(which was a very often occurance) is when it would really really hurt and destroy the small amounts of trust that I was building with her each time.

I agree that honesty is the best policy, but when your honesty about something you have NO way to change causes someone you love tremendous grief, I can see why she's reluctant to be honest.

I am not weak I actually am a very strong willed and convicted person

I didn't say you were weak. I said that's how you're making it seem like you view yourself.

Her past upsets her daily and has since we met, she feels dirty, wrong, and tainted by it

Most of us have done things we regret at some point in our lives. But how on earth could she possibly move past it when she's having to relive it continuously with you?

I just can't accept and truly consider that she has slept with other men in the past and she enjoyed it, as well as them

I get that you were raised in a Christian household, so was I, and so were a very LARGE portion of the members here. I just don't think this is about religion and things like what you said above reinforce that for me. You knew VERY early on that this woman was not a virgin and you continued on in the relationship. You knew she wasn't a virgin when you made the choice to have sex with her. You knew she wasn't a virgin when you proposed to her. If it were your religious reservations that were causing this issue, you'd already be gone. To me, it seems to be more of an obsessive compulsive (like OCD) behavior of jealousy because you're hungup on the visuals of her sleeping with another man, the idea that they enjoyed it, etc.

. I know there is women out there without the sexual past, if I ca n do it as a guy and having peer pressure from all my friends, family, and my own father to go out and drink party and sleep around then I believe there has to be women out there who can as well.

Sure there are women out there who are virgins and some even who have no physical experience with a man whatsoever. BUT your fiance is NOT one of those girls. You can't change that and she shouldn't have to spend her life paying for it.

You will never, never ever ever change what she has done in her past. You know that as fact. And if counseling hasn't helped you get past it, time hasn't helped, sexual intimacy hasn't helped, engagement hasn't helped, etc then it seems quite clear to me that this is not something that is not going to change and you're going to create a miserable life for the both of you if you stay in this relationship. If you truly love the girl, don't you realize she deserves better than this?

[notlikethenormal]

If you really want to be with this woman you have few choices.... In my opinion...

You can choose to move on, I understand you care for her but pushing her past in her face all the time will not do either of you any good. In fact if I were her I'd have already left cause you seem to not be able to let this go.

You can acknowledge that this is her past, it will not change, and choose to be her future with the mutual understanding that sex is a sacred thing shared between people that deeply love and respect each other.

OR... you can continue to obsess over every detail and make yourself crazy with things that will never change.


I do have a question though... If the roles were reversed would you still want a relationship with someone that has such strong reactions to things they would never be able to change?

[SourceAvenger]

Beautiful Disaster, the part that made her not wanting to be honest with me hard was that she would dangle the information out there multiple times and ask me if I wanted to know and I would ask her if it would upset me. She'd say yes or no and then keeping trying to convince me to find out even if it would hurt me. I wasn't the one bringing up her past 95% of the time and until this week that a was a constant thing I avoided because she brought it up herself anyways. But this last week I was just so overloaded by it I had to and now shes feeling like its all her fault if we break up because she told me in such tremendous detail about her past and all the lying shes done throughout the relationship. I know she wasn't a virgin okay but I cared so much about her and the fact it was my first true relationship I guess I was overly optimistic that love could conquer even the things you believed were impossible to ever cope with or fathem with the person you are with due to me being naive and less experienced with dating. I really did feel that I would get over this because I cared so much about her yeah I ended up being with her buts its because I HONESTLY believed that no matter what would come our way we would be able to stick it out together because we have already been through so much. I proposed to her because I truly wanted and still want her to be my life long partner but theres the other side of myself pushing me away from her and a life long relationship with her. Your not understanding I don't think I have NEVER felt true love for ANYONE in my entire life, not friends, family, anyone. And the feeling was so strong I honestly believed our relationship was invincable to everything around us because it was and still is such a strong emotion. I only ever liked or just existed around people I never really loved them or was willing to put myself last in order to help them out. I have learned so much in a year its not even funny but the one thing I know is that no matter how much I try to battle these thoughts I just can't suppress them. I am not saying it isn't partially an OCD thing which I might have and just do not recognize it. But I have always known that a women with a past would haunt me more than most people and so I really honestly looked for someone who I thought would be that one person who had no sexual past. This emotion of love for her is so strong it destroys me on the inside everyday to ever even think that she has had sex with another man willingly and that she enjoyed the experiences as did he. It doesnt make me feel like I am inferior, less experienced, or insecure it just feels rediculously painfull to think about. This is without a doubt the worst pain I have ever felt in my life both physically and emotionally due to a problem in my life. I know she isnt a woman without a sexual past and I know that she doesn't deserve to be hurting as I am trying to just work through this which is why I feel stuck because she is constantly crying and wanting me to not even consider breaking up. With the pressure from my uncle aswell I feel like I will let everyone down by breaking up with her and regret it down the road when I actually learn how to cope with peoples sexual pasts. But I just really want to on the other hand because its putting me and her through torturous pain daily and its not fair to either one of us to be letting ourselves live like that every day. And I do realize she deserves better. I spent months trying to get her to a state where she will not repeat her mistakes when she can rely on something else that sexual acts with someone to feel like shes loved. She has grown up so much throughout the last year and learned so much from me on how she should approach relationships, situations, etc that she honestly feels like a completely different person. I spent those months trying to prepare her incase I couldnt get over her past so she could move on and meet a guy who will care about her personality and not just her body. And it hurts so much because it feels like I love her so much I am willing to let her go so she can be happy, and so this wont eat me alive anymore. It also worries me because theres not many people I have ever heard of who are willing to change EVERY aspect about themselves just to prove they love you. It just doesn't happen that often because peoples love only goes so far, but my fiance has literrally tried everything she can to help this situation and get me to focus on the present to no avail. It hurts knowing that if the relationship fails its soley because I couldnt cope with her past :/.

[SourceAvenger]

notlikethenormal, I know bringing up her past all the time will not help the relationship, in fact it will hurt it. But the issue is now that she knows it upsets me so much its all she wants to talk about, its all she tries to fix, and its all she cares about. I dont even bring it up anymore really its more her doing it trying to work me through the pain. I have acknoledged that this is her past and it can't be changed and I have been trying so hard to look at our intimacy in that manner but anytime I even think of being intimate with her anymore the thoughts flood in and drown out the present moment. If the roles were reversed and I was the one with a past and my fiance was upset about it all the time I would want to fix it just like she is, I would feel responsible for going into such vivid detail of the sexual acts that occured, and I would feel like if I had only built trust up from the get go then when I finally told my fiance about my past hopefully she would be ready to be able to accept it.

NOTE: Sorry for the double post but the admins have a 5 minute time limit on editing messages :/.