[jrosen2]

Hi,

I just joined the forum! My name is Jaymie. (*warning, this is a LONG story)


I'm 23. I've never been in a relationship before and never had sex (yeah, it is kind of embarrassing), but I just have never met the right guy. I feel I'm very ready to begin a relationship and explore my sex life more.

I've been on a couple of dates with some guys, but it never really worked out with them.

I started a new school program in January. I met this guy in my program. He's not a guy I'd typically be interested in, but I've grown to develop feelings for him. We had flirted a lot, and I felt myself growing closer to him. I told him back in April that I liked him more than a friend. We had never seen each other outside of school, so he suggested we hang outside of school, and see where things go. I told him that I'd still like to be friends no matter what. I was SO HAPPY! I'd never told a guy I'd like them before! I was so nervous! So some time goes by, and my feelings get stronger every time I see him.

It was my birthday in May, and during the weekend of my birthday, he got me a birthday present, and gave it to me the following week. I thought it was so sweet, and at this point, I know I DEFINITELY like this guy a lot. When school was over for the day, he suggested we should watch a movie together sometime over the weekend. I said yes, for sure. So we made plans for Friday. I'd go over to his house to watch a movie. What is funny is that I had a date with another guy Thursday night. We had gone on a few dates beforehand, but I knew I was not interested in him.

So Friday comes along, and I'm freaking out. I made sure I looked like cute and pretty. Long story short, I arrive at his house, and we hang out for a bit, then decide to watch a movie. We sat on the couch, each of us on either end. I swear, by the middle of the film, he had moved his away towards me. He got us a blanket because the room was freezing. He started to touch my legs, and held my hand. I was getting "excited". After the movie was over, I asked him "what would you like to do now"? He said he wanted to kiss me. This being my first kiss (yes, I know, it's terrible), I was so happy this moment was finally happening! So we made out for a few minutes, then went to his bedroom. He fooled around for a loonnggggg time. About an hour and a half to be exact. This was the first time I'd been very intimate with a guy before. We did not have sex, but we came pretty close to it.

I left his house, and drove home. I did not sleep at all that night. I could not believe that the guy I like just invited me to his house, got my first kiss, and had my first real sexual experience. I could not wait to tell my friends!!!

The next day, I'd except him to text me. No text. I texted him that I really hope that this does not complicate our relationship just because we technically were still friends. No response. I stare at my phone all day for an answer.

I get a message on Facebook. He says that it won't complicate things. He said, however, that he'd like to wait until the end of the program (ending this August) to continue "fooling around". He said things maybe went too far. He enjoyed it, and did not regret us fooling around.

I replied, and admitted to myself that, yes, maybe we did TOO much, especially since it was my first time for a lot of things.

So the next week at school was super awkward. We have a very small group of friends at school and nobody knew, though I was dying to tell the girls in my class.

For some reason, he was kind of acting like a jerk that week. I got ****ed because he usually follows me around like a puppy dog all day, and we flirt A LOT.

I was honest with myself: I wrote him a message. I said: "I like you! I really like you! I enjoy being with you, and I think we should try dating to see where anything goes". We kept ignoring that something happened between us. To me, it was something special. Yes, you could say that because I had my first sexual experience with him, I have an emotional connection to him, but I truly like this guy. I poured my heart to him. I really want him to like me so badly. I did not understand what would be different from now until when the program is over. Why wait? If we both like each other, then let's hang out more!

I felt used by him. I was so upset. I got a response a few hours later. He told me that he thinks it would be better if we stayed friends. He felt like he wanted something more with me but he doesn't. He said he still thinks I'm a great person, blah blah, and hope it does not compromise our relationship.

I told him I appreciated him being honest with me. I respected his decision. I said I was upset but that over time I would feel better. Complete lie. I started to burst into tears. I was so heartbroken. The first guy I truly have feelings for has broken my heart.

I texted him back saying that he hurt me and I felt completely used. I said that he led me to the fact that a relationship could happen between us, and left me in the cold. I was so upset. Let's just say that weekend--- I probably ate gallons of ice cream.

Anyways, the next day at school, I acted like a cold *****. I swore to myself that I was strong and not let some guy hurt me like that. But I was so broken inside.

I felt bad for acting this way towards him. He seemed sad and hurt, too.

The next day I wrote him a note saying I was so sorry for my behaviour. I said let the past be the past and move on. I can't hold a grudge for that long. I needed to let go, and move on.

Ever since then, we still are close and act like how it was before this whole mess began. However, the more I see him, the harder it is to admit to myself that he does not want to date me. He still flirts with me so much and it's so clear he likes me (I think) but he totally sabotaged this possible relationship!!! He did not give himself a chance, let alone me to have a chance to get to know him better and possibly have our relationship blossom into something more. I don't get men! Seriously.

He has left me so sexually frustrated. I want more with him. I think about him all. the. time.

Any advice? Suggestions? I seriously want this guy to like me.

Thanks! And sorry for the super long story!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to WH

He has left me so sexually frustrated. I want more with him. I think about him all. the. time.

It's really difficult commencing a new relationship, good for you to have made the first move... I think that both parties like a little challenge, a little romance maybe...

You have to take responsibility that in the back of your mind you were prepared to fool around on the first date with this guy who more than likely invited you deliberately to his home, in hope that something like that might happen, right down to it being cold and having to sit next to you and offering a blanket ..

So it therefore turned out to be what it was.

I think if you both had just kissed. And, you left. It would have made him want to see you again, wanting more.. And so that cycle continues for a bit, then feelings come into play.

Men like the chase and I think that he felt from that point, it was over.

It's hard to work people out and it's hard to not be able to just be yourself and have that accepted but unfortunately in the dating game, the chase seems to be how it works best.

[jrosen2]

Thanks! I totally understand your point. But now I feel like I ruined everything by fooling around too much. :[

I should have just let him kissed me, and that's it, but it's hard being around someone you really like, and they make a move... and then just saying, oh maybe we should stop.

It was in the heat of moment...I got excited and did not think of the consequences.

[Stillness]

Hey Jaymie! Welcome.

Your friend is probably flirting with you for one of a few reasons. Maybe for his ego. Maybe because it's fun. Or because he doesn't want to burn a sexual bridge (as in he might want to have some fun with you later). Or maybe he's being nice. What it probably does not mean is that you have any kind of chance of being with him like you want to be because

He told me that he thinks it would be better if we stayed friends. He felt like he wanted something more with me but he doesn't. He said he still thinks I'm a great person, blah blah, and hope it does not compromise our relationship.

This is the classic "friend" rejection. You're out and probably not getting back in if you were ever in in the first place. Don't despair though. There are people who will think we're wonderful that we couldn't care less about, maybe like the guy you went out with that you don't like. Then there are people that we'll fall head over heels for that won't ever really feel for us what we feel for them, like your friend. (You are probably seeing what you want to see, kinda like that movie 500 Days of Summer where the guy was thinking with his heart and overlooking the signs). Then there are people who will fulfill us while will fulfill them.

Listen to sad songs. Watch 500 Days of Summer or The Breakup or something like that. Cry it out. And let it go. Flirting with him or doing anything more will make it worse and probably cost you your dignity. He's not the one. He's already told you that. Now you can cross him off your list and move on.

By the way, it's cool that you're a virgin. So he doesn't change that, I'll tell you a man-secret. We keep a lifelong tally of all the women that ever wanted us that we rejected. It's in the back of our minds even if we never plan to access it. But if a man, even a caring and virtuous man, knows a woman wants him like you made it clear that you want your schoolmate, in a moment of weakness he may take advantage of those feelings. It could be days, months, or years later. Please beware. It is not worth it.

[jns]

Jaymie, guys respond to different situations differently. Some respond to a girl showing vulnerability. Some respond to a girl being enthusiastic. Some respond to a girl who likes to party. Etc., etc., etc. Sometimes if things just click and the girl projects the right response, the guy is smitten. Many times this is not the case and it takes a while for the guy to realize he likes the girl.

It may be that things moved a little fast for him and he was uncomfortable with you pursuing him. Try using the flirting to get him to chase you. Instead of taking control, show vulnerability so he wants to protect you. Let things progress at a slower, more natural pace even if it is frustrating.

[jamesmarshalls]

I think you must talk to him straight, I mean tell him everything on what you feels.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Don't beat yourself up, we've all done it, trust me

There is nothing wrong with you being assertive, just if you really like the guy and want it to turn into a relationship, be more allusive, follow JNS's advise, after all he's a man

[Hugo-B]

I agree with the advice given here. I'd like to add that OP, you sound like quite a self assured and confident young lady with healthy boundaries, good for you. It takes courage not to succumb to peer pressure and you waited until YOU were ready to start dating and taking things further.

Don't be ashamed of being a virgin, especially at your age, it's not unusual, I think it's better to start having sex later rather than sooner, I know girls who have been sexually active and serial monogamists since the age of 13, sad if you ask me. I know how difficult it can be for you, I didn't start having sex, or even do more than kiss a girl until I was 19, I was one of the last of my peers to have sex and I felt at one point like I'd be a virgin forever! The fact was that I was not ready to start having sex - obviously as a teenage boy I had a ferocious sex drive but nothing I couldn't manage with a box of tissues and a magazine - but the most difficult thing for me to deal with was the peer pressure aspect, so good for you for you for sticking to your values. I also know how much courage it takes to confide in a prospective partner and tell them you're a virgin, it's not easy but you did it, good for you.

You mention you are a close group of friends, it sounds like this guy may not be too experienced either, this could have at least something to do with it? Whenever something like this happens, we have a tendency to blame ourselves - don't do this. The fact is that it's hard to get two people onto the same page emotionally, perhaps the guy freaked out at the thought of a LTR, or indirectly showed some moral compunction by not using a virgin for sex, which was the right thing to do, am I right that you didn't tell him until that night?

Good luck, I don't want to sound like an old granddad but just maybe keep a few condoms in your bag, many men don't carry them so make sure you have them ready for when you need them. There are plenty of nice young men looking for girlfriends, I hope you meet one soon, if in future you're unsure then don't be afraid to make a man wait (weeks, months) for sex, if he won't then you know he's only after one thing.

[jrosen2]

Thank you for all your responses! I appreciate them so much :-)

Honestly, I feel like I've done EVERYTHING possible. I've tried asking him to hang outside of school, tried texting him to say hello. But no effort, from his part, is put in. I get no response. I'm still extremely hurt by this situation because this is the first time I've ever really liked a guy like this before....but the fact that he's not even TRYING to be friends or for G-d sake's get to know me better, I'm just done trying. I have put so much effort into it but nothing is happening. Maybe the fact that I'm trying too hard and he's getting scared...but still, at least I'm trying here and being assertive.

If he acts this way (i.e. putting in little effort in our friendship), then this could reflect a possible relationship.

I keep crying, and thinking about this situation over and over again, and I need to stop thinking and over-analyzing this!! I have a date tomorrow night, and my heart is not ready to open to another guy...not quite yet. So I feel bad for this guy that I said I'd go out with him, but at least it will keep my mind of the guy from school!

[Hugo-B]

So long as you don't mess this new guy around I don't see any harm in a date. You actually need to be going on dates for two reasons: firstly, if this guy isn't interested then you need to get out there and meet someone else; and secondly, the one thing you can do to make yourself the most attractive to him right now is start dating other men, so it's actually win - win!

Good luck, let us know how you get on!