[Amber]

I put this thread on the mental health section, figuring this feels more of an addiction than anything but I don't know if that is the right section. I know people may say to just suck it up and forget about him. I'm just afraid that is not enough, especially since we eventually will run into each other again. The singles group are not that big and I'm not sure I just want to run.

I just feel like a pathetic mess. And I know I deserve all of it. :-( But I really don't know how to get through this. :-(

It goes all the way back to the guy I was with for six months, three years ago. I was in my mid 30's and it was my first and has been my only ever relationship. Since it was only six months, he doesn't even consider it a relationship. He was over me one week later after breaking it off with me. He ended it, claiming we didn't have the right chemistry. I find out later that I was a rebound object to him. Just the pretty woman type fantasy after a ten year relationship. So, anyways,this guy is known to stay friends with his ex's. And while he didn't develop any real feelings for me in those six months, I did. And I felt I didn't want to loose him.

So I stayed away from him for about six to nine months after he broke it off. But we both had belong to the same single groups and I started to see him at those events after the nine months were up. And before I knew it, I started to talk to him by email about every day life. I was trying the "just friends" route. But who was I kidding, I wasn't completely over him yet. I had just moved out of my parents house for the very first time in my life (yep, I know way over due) and I found myself asking him questions on stuff that was new to me. He said he didn't mind all of the emailing, when I asked him if I was bothering him.

So I guess that happened for about a year or so. Then he started to date someone else. Someone who he is still in the same relationship with now. He has been seeing her for over a year now. Since i moved out of my parent's house, there has been times that I have been feeling very lonely. Even though he claimed to be my friend, he would always tell me to get out and find some friends. He was too busy. I find out later on that he wasn't so busy as he claimed and he was just hanging out with other friends. He didn't care how many times I told him I was lonely. He couldn't spare one night just to hang out with me. And we had done that a time or two since he broke it off so I didn't think I was asking for too much. And then when the girlfriend came in the picture, I was asking for way too much for one night within even a few months time. He was spending some time with his father who was going through a hard time. But all of his free time away from him, was to be spent on her only. He told me I could spend time with both of them but he had no time to spare one on one with me. I couldn't handle being in the same room as them. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to take it. :-( I pathetically found myself begging by email for one night out with him. Yes, I know that is extremely pathetic on my part but it didn't feel that way at the time. :-(

So the emailing got worse these last few months. He had spoiled me before but now I was no longer a priority to him. He was willing to answer them, or so he said, but it had to be in his own time. Translation, he would answer an email once a week or every two weeks. The problem was the latest emails were serious to me. When I found out that he had spent all that time with those other friends for about six months before he met his girlfriend and never once spending a night out with me, it hurt. He told me he had no time. He had time, just none he wanted to spend with me. I emailed him and told him, if you don't enjoy spending time with me, then fine. Just tell me that and I will leave you alone for good. To me it hurt to know he didn't want to be with me. But if that was the case, so be it. But tell me this!! He wouldn't answer. Couldn't spare the time. And I was freaking out, thinking I'm going to loose him, and it caused me to email him even more. It took him over a week before he would answer. I felt like each day of that week, I couldn't breath. I stared at that email, waiting for him to email. But day after day, went by and he didn't. It hurt so much, it drove me insane. I must have emailed him about 40 times that week. When he finally did answer me, he told me that I had overacted and of'course he enjoyed my company. Then why torture me for over a week? Why not just say that? Because he could be bothered to spend about ten minutes telling me this. He had to spend every free second with her girlfriend. Now, I can honestly say that I was being completely obnoxious but at the time it didn't feel that way. Email was my only way of contacting him and I felt like I was about to loose my only friend. I was panicking. It hurt like hel. He did that another time to me also, make me wait over a week for a serious email, and drove me insane. :-(

Yep, I have issues and I know that is not good. The problem is over this past year or two I have really come to depend on him. He was my only friend. I have no others. I go to single groups and see people time and again but he was the only friend I could go to if I needed to talk to some in a time of need. Or even someone to just hang out with. And the thought of loosing him drove me crazy. I felt like I was loosing my one and only friend in this world. :-( I have close immediate family but I can't help thinking, when they go on trips together, if god forbid something ever happened to them, I would be alone in this world. I know a morbid thought but i can't help it. It really scares me. And he was my only friend. The thought of loosing him scared me to death. But now I have.

So as of Monday, we finally agreed that I need to get over him. And I have to stop complete contact of him, which includes not seeing him at any social events or any emailing. Breaking free of him now, feels like I ripped a part of myself off of me. I lost my one and only friend. I do admit it is like an addiction but one I don't know how to handle. I can't stop thinking about him and it is driving me crazy. Especially when I know he isn't even giving me a second thought. I'm nothing to him. He tells me that i need to get to the point that I see him as I see everyone else. That it wouldn't matter for a second if I spend any time with him. So should I translate that to mean just treating him like the guy who serves you coffee at the donut shop or the guy who pumps your gas? You could care less if you ever see any of those people because you don't know them from Adam. Translation,nothing!

Wow, that is where I am on his priority list. I'm nothing to him. :-( I now realize that is why I had to beg for him to spend time with me. That is how he sees me, as nothing. I don't know if he is like that with everyone or just me. But I don't know if I can get to that point with him, the point that I feel nothing for him. I do admit a lot of this may be an addiction for him but I do believe some of it is feelings that I have for him. I just don't know how much of it is feelings and how much just an addiction. He wants me to feel nothing for him. Correct me if I'm wrong but is that cold? Or is that how everyone should really see a friend? Not care if they ever see each other? I know I need to get over him and he is finally pushing me away. If I want to be honest with myself, I pretty much lost him about three months ago anyways. My only contact since then was him making me wait forever to return my email and causing me misery. :-(

The thing is I believe him when he says he cares about me and now he knows what I'm feeling is not good. He is right. I need to get over this addiction. But if he is my friend, how could he treat me so lousy with those emails? I know I should never had sent them in the first place but it was serious to me and he just blew me off. Or if he was really my friend, why do I need to beg to spend time with him? But he sees it as I shouldn't care if I spend any time with him. That's being a friend. How is it with all of you? Your friends. Do you have a who cares attitude if you ever see them? The fact that I enjoy spending time with him and want to do so, is that my feelings for him talking there? I don't know. It could be. I bet you will say that his girlfriend does deserve all of his attention and he shouldn't even have me as his friend to begin with. :-( And that is another thing. He wants me to be able to be in the same room as her also. Figures if I see him as nothing, this should be easy.

Wanted to add one thing. After we broke up and I had the time away from him, when I came back, he was really good to me. He helped me when I bought my condo (not financially, just the process of it all). He helped me at different times. He was a really good friend for me through that year or two. It is just when his girlfriend came into the picture, his attitude change. While he claims to still be my friend, it is much harder to believe it now. :-(

You don't have to tell me. I know I'm very needy and clingy. I couldn't help myself. But I know that's not a good enough excuse.

[Amber]

You can say to just forget about him. And I can try like heck to do that. But I honestly don't think that will be enough. I think, in order to get him really out of my system, I need to somehow do more than just forget about him.

So I decided to look for books, to see if I can read up on trying to get over someone. I came up with Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, starting over. Anyone ever read it?

What seems to be different about this book is it doesn't just say, forget that he exist, find new friends, and new hobbies. It makes you analyze what you are feeling. While it seems like a good idea, who am I to know for sure.

But the main thing it based upon is four healing emotions, anger, sadness, fear, sorrow. And what they are saying makes sort of sense. This is how they introduce each of them. And they say there is no particular order to try to cover this.

Anger

Anger allows us to explore emotionally what has happened that we didn't want to happen. Anger is the emotional recognition that we are not getting what we want. It is an alarm signal that commands us to stop and to adjust ourselves to what has happened. After a loss, unless we give ourselves permission to be angry, we may remain stuck in a numb, lifeless, and passionless state. Feeling anger breaks us free from indifference and reconnects us to our passion for love and life.

As a result of feeling anger, we are able to release our attachments to our past wants and to begin to feel new wants and desires free of attachment. When desire is free of attachment, we are open to all possibilities. instead of "I want my partner's love," the need become "I want to be loved." Contained within unattached desire is the intuitive ability to recognize new and appropriate sources of love and support.

Sadness

Sadness allows us to emotionally explore what did not happen that we wanted to happen. Sadness is the emotional recognition of want we wanted to happen that didn't. After a loss, unless we give ourselves permission to be sad, we cannot adjust our expectations to what is now possible. Feeling sadness reconnects us to our ability to love, value, and enjoy what we do have. while anger gradually renews our passion for life, sadness opens our hearts to feel the sweetness of love once again.

As a result of feeling sadness, we are able to surrender up our resistance to what has happened and gradually to accept the loss. This surrender provides the basis for adjusting our expectations. Going back and feeling the various nuances of what we wanted to happen is essential if we are to reset our expectations. Instead of "I expect my partner's love," our need becomes "I expect to be loved." contained within this unattached expectation is the unfolding confidence and self-assurance that we can get what we want.

Fear

Fear allows us to explore what could happen that we do not want to happen. Fear is not a prediction of doom, but an emotional recognition of what we do not want to happen. Feeling fear and our resistance to what could happen reconnects us to our vulnerability. That reconnection provides the ability to discern what we need and can depend on now. It assists us to open to receive the support we need and fills our hearts with courage and gratitude.

As a result of feeling our fears, we are able to adapt our needs to what is available now instead of continuing to need what is not longer ours. instead of "I need my partner's love and support," our need becomes "I need to be loved and supported." contained within this unattached need is the power and determination necessary to find love again.

Sorrow

Sorrow allows us to explore what cannot happen that we want to happen. Sorrow is the emotional recognition that what we want cannot be. This awareness is crucial to letting go of an attachment. Sorrow is an acknowledgement of our powerlessness to undo what has happened. By reflecting on what is not possible we shift to our ability to discern what is possible. This ability assists us in receiving the compassion necessary to heal our wounds and eventually provides the inspiration to give the love in our heart once again. Ultimately, the emotional resignation of sorrow brings us peace.

As a result of feeling sorrow, we are able to release our past hopes and eventually find new hope. Instead of "I wish my partner was here to love me," our need becomes "I hope to be loved." Contained within this unattached hope is the intention and motivation required to start over once again. Until the light of new hope begins to emerge, we cannot fully experience the flow of love once again within our hearts. As hope dawns we begin to feel released from the darkness of despair.



They say - emotional pain signals that we are still holding on to what is no longer available. Feeling the pain associated with each of the four healing emotions eventually triggers a release from pain. If someone tossed you a hot potato, you would automatically toss it away. In a similar way, when we are fully able to experience the pain of holding on, we automatically let go. By experiencing the healing emotions, the pain diminishes and we are eventually able to fully let go. Once all four healing emotions were expressed, they were free to experience the underlying positive feelings of love, understanding, forgiveness, and gratitude.


Is this all a bunch of bull? I do admit, it hits some of my problems. Fear is one of my main problems. Afraid I can't live without him. I know I need to prove to myself that is not the case. I know that is one thing I need to conquer and probably the first thing I need to try to do. Anger is also sort of new to me. At least before these past six months it was. I forgave him for using me as his rebound object. He has admitted I was that. But since I forgave him, I never was ever really angry at him for what he did to me. A little here or there but not really much. Most of it was just the hurting and then me tell myself I forgave him. I never went through the anger stage until the past six months really. And even then it was for how he is treating me now, not how he treated me when we broke up.

Also, I never really accepted the part that he didn't see us having the right chemistry. I thought he just threw me away because of the sex issue I was having. But the book says, which I believe is right, I have to eventually forgive him for letting me go. He had a right to do so. Last week I couldn't even say those words. I know I still have some convincing to do for me to believe that but at least it is a start.

Some may say, it was only six months, get over it. That's nothing. But it was the only relationship I ever had. And the last three years, I just complicated everything. I let more feelings develop over the original ones. I grew very clingy and dependent on him, something I hadn't done the six months I was with him. It is sort of like breaking free of a three year relationship now for me. At least the addiction of it is like that. Pathetically enough, it was a one way three year relationship.

But as I said in the above post, I can't get him out of my mind. It is like tell me not to think of him and it causes me to think of him even more. And I have no one to discuss all of this with. No friends. My mother would never understand as my father was her only relationship. My sister, same for her. They definitely don't understand. I tried once before when I first broke it off with him. I feel so alone right now.

Some advise please. I'm trying to get through this three year addiction on my own and it is not easy. My guess is that i need to just try and conquer my fears first. Proving to myself that I can live without him and I shouldn't be clinging on him for my day life. I need to remind myself I don't need him. I guess talking about him now to you isn't helping me forget him. But I needed to voice some of this before it drives me crazy. I need to know if any of what I'm doing is right here. And is this book a bunch of bull?

What irritated me about the book is how it tells you to forget him and look for the next guy. I can't help but believe that next guy is not coming. So using that as a source is not a good thing but as people always say, you need to get over the first guy really before the next guy comes. While I was trying online dating there for a bit, don't worry, it came of nothing. I haven't jumped into anything new so far. That membership will be running out soon anyways and I know I have to think about myself right now.

[Amber]

And just in case anyone starts to think about it, no, I have never did anything to interfere in his current relationship. Every time I have seen him, nothing has ever happened between us. I haven't even so much as hug him since the night he ended it with me. No hug, nothing, since we ended it. And the very few times I saw him one on one, it never interfered with her time. The time or two I got, she was busy with something else. The times I pathetically begged for. :-(

You don't know how many times I have tried to make excuses up this week on why I had to email him. Even just to tell him I can't do this. I can't get to the no feeling point he says I need to get to. That feeling he thinks it is so easy to get to when I think it is impossible. I was even tempted to email him just to tell him to go to ****. :-( But I haven't emailed him once since Monday. It just hurts so much. I just lost my one and only friend and i can't stop thinking about him. And I'll bet money he hasn't even given me a second thought since I emailed him. He is so happy with his life and he has so many friends, I'm nothing to him. :-( You would think that is motive enough to get over him but then why am I crying right now. :-(

[kristalyn_04]

Just time, Amber. Busy yourself with things other than him. I know it's hard, but you MUST cut him out of your life, at least for the time being until you're 100% sure you have no feelings toward him whatsoever. I've had to go through this a few times now... not the same situation as you obviously but the principle is the same. You can't have anything to do with him right now while your heart is healing, otherwise you will be prolonging the pain, possibly making it worse. Please trust me, cut him off and busy yourself with friends, hobbies, anything... and just give it time. Don't ever think you're not "worthy", it was simply a compatibility issue and it seems like now he's found someone he is compatible with. Someday the same will happen for you.

[dawnkissedmoon]

My dear dear sweet Amber. How I feel for you. Your main problem is not Adam but your crushing loneliness. I know the pain of being alone and the disgraceful places it can send you. I wish I could hold your hands, let you cry on my shoulder, and lift this torment. Your entire conscious and subconscious mind are trying their hardest to stop the agony and the both only know one answer, Adam. They know only this answer because he is the only answer life's provided. I wish I could provide you with advice that would deliver you right this instance, but I can't. I am like you, still live with my parents, I have no friends, and I am crushed by loneliness. My best advice is that you go to meetup. com and join an adventure group. Use online dating, set up an account at POF, which is free. Realize that the Adam you are emailing is not your Adam of the past but just the guy who brings your coffee. Always remember that your worst enemy is the past and your best friend is the future. You haven't failed. You are, and will be... loved.

[Amber]

Kristalyn, I know you are right. I do have to stay away from him. Busying myself is a big problem for me. Especially since it is the slow season in work. So my mind keeps wandering to him in work. And I go to single events but not much is happening lately. He took some of mine away because he is in them also. I have no friends. That makes part of this so hard. I have no one to talk to about this. And if I was to try to talk to a co-worker or someone like that, they would think I was a freak. I was suppose to be over him three years ago. How do you tell them I'm not. My mother would never understand that I'm not over him. She didn't even understand it the first time around when I broke up with him. She never went through this. I'm forced to keep this in and pretend everything is fine.

I actually tried talking to one woman who I thought I could reach out to. She wouldn't respond to my email. And you could tell she told her friend about it, because when I ran into that friend at a singles night, she did her best to stay away from me. I feel like a freak.

Dawnkissedmoon, you are right to say I'm lonely. That is a big part of it. But I really don't think that is all of it. I couldn't even bare to bring myself to be at the same event as him and his girlfriend. The thought freaked me out. If I was over him, I should be able to handle that. And to think of him as nothing, I can't do that yet. I don't know how to do that.

[Amber]

I put this thread in the mental health section before coming here. I didn't know where my situation would belong. When no one would answer it, I came to this section. Someone just answered my post. She said I was manipulating my ex. Is that what you think over here also? How did I manipulate him? I just wanted a friend to spend time with and said he was my friend.

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/mental-health/51454-how-do-i-get-through.html

[jns]

Amber, It sounds very much like you are requiring a guy to put the cart before the horse (that is put things in the wrong order). Because of your very strong attachment dependency, you are requiring a guy to commit to that situation before he gets to know you. Most guys will run from such a situation. The only ones who wouldn't would be those who fell in love at first sight and, and, and were comfortable being in a relationship with a very clingy partner. Such guys are out there, but they are very rare. Add that to your social awkwardness at meeting guys and it makes a difficult situation. Probably a lot of it can be laid to the fact that you got on so well with your parents that you did not separate from them much earlier and learn to live life on your own and for yourself.

You will get over your last relationship after you are going good on a new one. Have you tried professional help at trying to lower your attachment dependency?

I posted this on your other thread. The thread is probably best over here, but you have replies on the other thread. Perhaps a Moderator can combine the threads over here.

[Amber]

Jns, I commented to your post over there. Is there a way to combine them? Maybe I should just shut the other one down.

[Little]

I will go ahead and close this one for you