[Sophie55]

Having doubts about my relationship! HELP!!
Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to read this!! I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, but we have been friends for 5 years. He is a single dad... The mother is completely out of the picture. I have sort of stepped into the role of a mother figure for this 3 year old child. It is extremely overwhelming and stressful. I am only 22 years old, and my boyfriend is 28. He is currently out of the city for school and I have been watching his daughter for the past two months. He has been paying me of course, but it has been one of the toughest times of my life. He is finally coming home next weekend.

I have always had doubts about him. I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship on and off for 3 years, and starting dating my new boyfriend only a month after I had ended the abusive relationship for good. He is really good to me and treats me better then I have ever been treated. He changed my whole life and made me feel like I'm worth something again.. However, he can be very controlling and possessive. Heis extremely insecure and jealous, and I feel like I can't be my own person or have my own life. We get in bad fights every once and while to the point where I want to rip my hair out because I can't take it anymore. I feel like I do soo much for him and do nothing for myself.

I am very confused because I have so many personal issues and I feel like I haven't had the chance to work on them or experience being alone for a long period of time. This relationship moved incredibly fast and I don't think I was ready for it at all. I feel like I'm missing out on sooo much in life and that I will never have any of the experiences I've always dreamed of. I feel stuck in this relationship with him and with his daughter. I have no freedom. I do love him, and he loves me more then I thought anyone ever could. He wants to get married and have this life together and sometimes I feel like that's what I want as well, but then all these doubts creep into my mind.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to end the relationship and regret it, but I also don't want to stay in it and 10 years from now regret not focusing on myself for once. Sometimes I feel sooo incredibly in love with him, and other times I am soo incredibly annoyed and irritated with him. Recently, one of our mutual friends started dating someone and I am sooooo jealous. I think it's because I know the excitement they must feel and I know that they have so much fun together with their friends and going out and this and that, and I feel like I can't have that with my boyfriend. Because he is a single dad we can never go out, and when we do go out and have drinks with friends, he becomes jealous and possessive and we end up fighting.

He is also in school to become a lawyer. He says he wants to provide for me and give me a great life, but that isint that important to me. I want to be independent and have my own life. It seems like all our relationship is is his schooling and studying and me taking care of his daughter. Please help me I am clearly confused !!! Any advice will be much appreciated !!! THANK YOU!!!

[Mes T]

Sophie I think you have answered your own questions and I think you know 100% what you want - and that is to get out! Your feelings of wanting independence and an actual LIFE etc are NOT going to go away the longer you stay with him, they will just grow and grow and grow. I am shocked he is dumping the responsibility of his daughter on to you. He is the one who needs to spend the next 15 years raising her until she goes off to college, not you. Not after a few lousy months of dating.

I don't know the circumstances of how this daughter came to be, but it just sounds to me like he is desperate for a replacement mother for her so that HIS life doesn't have to go on hold, so that HE can go off to school and do what he wants... and he'll know you'll stay behind and take care of the kid and house. Pah-lease!!!!!

This relationship is just swimming in red flags to me, and I am so glad you came here and posted this because it shows you are willing to take the next steps to get out!

[Sophie55]

Thank you soo much for your advice and opinion!! I think you are right, I am just afraid to hurt him. He acts like I am his whole life like he will die without me and he is very sensitive so I really don't want to hurt him, or have things end badly with him being angry or resentful. I also feel like I shouldn't be complaining considering all he has done for me, and how good he is to me. I just feel like if I leave him now he will think I used him to get over my abusive ex which is not true at all, and im worried his family will think I'm a horrible person.

My mind is just all over the place I am soo confused ! I don't even know how I would bring it up to him if I did decide to end it....

Thanks for listening!

[Hugo-B]

If you yourself have issues to work through then it is possible that you could work through them whilst you're still in this relationship, you don't necessarily have to leave him to do that, not if you think you can work things out.

In my opinion you're too young to be tied down like this acting as a step mum whilst he works on developing his own life and education whilst you stay at home (not allowed out) and look after his son. Let me elaborate slightly before I proceed though, you're not too young to be in a relationship with a 28 year old Law student with a 3 year old son. You ARE too young to assuming all of his responsibilities for him whilst he moves on with his life and represses yours out of selfish insecurity. He should want you to experience freedom, personal development, and a degree of independence which everyone should retain whilst in a relationship, no matter how serious.

I'm sure he wouldn't be able to do any of this without you and I'll bet he needs you a lot more than you'd like to admit, which is why he's keen for you not to go out without him or get involved in any activity or undertaking where he cannot 'supervise you'. He won't even let you out with your friends and isn't emotionally secure/mature enough for the two of you to enjoy a night out together without having a tantrum.

He sounds like a bit of an ungrateful, insecure tool to me, sorry. The fact that you're sacrificing a great deal of your time and freedom (to your detriment, you'll never get this time back remember) means he should be a lot more grateful and at least offer you some flexibility, he is receiving a huge benefit from your contributions to his lifestyle and would probably struggle without you, and struggle to replace you, if he could at all.

For example, if I were him, I'd stay in on the Friday/Saturday nights and spend some time alone with my son and suggest you go out with friends and let your hair down, you're 22 after all, the situation with his son and his ex is unfortunate but it's not your fault and you CERTAINLY shouldn't be expected to pick up the pieces.

Another thing which annoys me is he's 28 and can't even take his 22 year old GF out without starting a fight because he's so insecure and jealous: pathetic. Emotional control like this is a form of manipulation (and bullying) which one person uses in an attempt to physically control another person and prevent them from doing the things they want because they're afraid that on their way they'll meet someone else better than them and abandon them. This behavior often leads the controlled person to experience repression of spirit, and suffer a huge lull in self confidence at the same time. I can't imagine wanting to do that to anyone.

You need to ask yourself this: what happens if you split up when he starts work as a lawyer? how old will you be? what will you have done with your life? How close to being your ideal self will you be?

[Sophie55]

Wow thank you buddahboy!! That all made soo much sense. Sometimes itry to convince myself that he is not controlling, but the other day something happened that really started to get me thinking more about my doubts. He got very angry at my profile picture on Facebook that was just a picture of me sitting and smiling. He demanded I change it and told me that it makes him want to kill himself. He thought I put that particular picture up to get attention from guys which is RIDICULOUS. I ended things with him and he guilted me back in and promised me he will stop being controlling and that when he comes back from school, I can have my freedom and my own life.

The thing is, I have been working my *** off for the past 2 months taking care of his child. It's all I do every single day. And when he comes home on weekends, I spend the entire weekend with him and his daughter. I feel like I am not allowed to stress him out or get upset because he already has so much stress from school. Thru out the past 2 months that I've had his daughter, we have gotten in about 7 big fights. One almost every single week. I have severe anxiety, depression and OCD, and our fighting makes my stress level higher then I can handle.

He is always questioning everything I do. I just can't take it anymore !! He has put me thru sooo much these past 2 months just because he Is stressed out with school and with being so far away from me. Even after all of this, I am still confused as to what to think or do. I am easily manipulated and have trouble making descisions. He does so much for me and is such a good person, so I feel like it must be me and I must be over reacting.

[AbbieG]

Try and see if you can speak to your partner about how he is asking too much of you and you need to have more independence back, he may not think that you mind looking after his daughter and while I'm sure you care for them both we all need our own independence. I was in a similar relationship where I felt smothered by my boyfriend and while I loved him I wanted my own life, I ended up ending the relationship but I wish we could have talked about it and stayed together while still having our own lives.

[Hugo-B]

Wow thank you buddahboy!! That all made soo much sense. Sometimes itry to convince myself that he is not controlling, but the other day something happened that really started to get me thinking more about my doubts. He got very angry at my profile picture on Facebook that was just a picture of me sitting and smiling. He demanded I change it and told me that it makes him want to kill himself. He thought I put that particular picture up to get attention from guys which is RIDICULOUS. I ended things with him and he guilted me back in and promised me he will stop being controlling and that when he comes back from school, I can have my freedom and my own life.

The thing is, I have been working my *** off for the past 2 months taking care of his child. It's all I do every single day. And when he comes home on weekends, I spend the entire weekend with him and his daughter. I feel like I am not allowed to stress him out or get upset because he already has so much stress from school. Thru out the past 2 months that I've had his daughter, we have gotten in about 7 big fights. One almost every single week. I have severe anxiety, depression and OCD, and our fighting makes my stress level higher then I can handle.

He is always questioning everything I do. I just can't take it anymore !! He has put me thru sooo much these past 2 months just because he Is stressed out with school and with being so far away from me. Even after all of this, I am still confused as to what to think or do. I am easily manipulated and have trouble making descisions. He does so much for me and is such a good person, so I feel like it must be me and I must be over reacting.

I stopped reading at the end of the first paragraph....

"I can have my old life back"... my jaw dropped when I read that. The fact he think your life is his to give back to you makes my mind boggle. The funny thing is men like this use control to hide the fact they are just pathetic, frightened shadows of everything a real man should represent.

Anyone who is prepared to put the guilt trip on you, or manipulate you in any other way, shape, or form doesn't have your best interests at heart, only theirs, that is why they are trying to manipulate you, for their own personal gain and benefit. You probably are easily influenced which is why he has picked on you, you're an easy target. I used to be the heavyweight king of easy targets, soft touches and people pleasers. When you understand that people who put this pressure on you are merely using you and care little for your well being (if they did care about your well being they wouldn't do it would they) it is much easier to recognize and resist.

If this guy is such an emotional cripple he can't handle his pretty GF's FB profile picture he really need to shape up quick sharp or be shipped out, that really is pathetic. What's next, making you wear a burkha for non religious reasons?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am only 22 years old, and my boyfriend is 28. He is currently out of the city for school and I have been watching his daughter for the past two months. He has been paying me of course, but it has been one of the toughest times of my life. He is finally coming home next weekend.

Hi Sophie. What do you mean he has being paying you ? For sure however, you are 22, that is young to look after a 3 year old.

I have always had doubts about him.

You need to explain if you don't mind what doubts you have of him.

[QUOTE]I am very confused because I have so many personal issues and I feel like I haven't had the chance to work on them or experience being alone for a long period of time.

I starting dating my new boyfriend only a month after I had ended the abusive relationship for good.

Hun coming from an abusive and controlling, relationship, 1 month is never enough.. I get the opinion you are finding yourself and feel that you moved on too fast, was glad to get out of that last relationship and you are confused if this one, is still at least/worst controlling.

I am very confused because I have so many personal issues and I feel like I haven't had the chance to work on them or experience being alone for a long period of time

Sweet so you entered a relationship after 1 month of departing from the ex... I think you already realise that was too soon and that you are craving for YOU. I think you worked out after this relationship what you wanted, who yoiu were but somehow got sucked in to wanting that "love " that you didn't get and as a result got caught and you are asking how to get out of this.

I also think that you have had enough.. Enough of control, enough of jealousy, enough of not being able to be you.. You are in a good place really, you know who you are and what you want and I am not sure what you are asking, how to let him go? Cause you aren't happy? Cause he's looking for a Mother figure, is jealous, you can't be yourself, he pays you to look after the child?

I'm not reading anything else, I am going to say to you... CONGRATULATIONS for seeing who you are what you want.

I am sorry this isn't the guy for you.

I am sorry that this little girl has not a Mum figure cause he's selfish looking for just that and not caring about you. I am sorry that he is in-secure.

I am however pleased that you came here, know who you are finally.

It's time to follow your dreams and be you.. You will find someone else that is good to you, you've worked it all out ...

[Claret]

I have seen it, time and time again, when he finally gets his degree and is articaling, then gets his jobs, he'll be looking at an older daughter in school. She'll not be such a day-to-day problem she'll be in school, and you'll be still at home wondering what the heck is going on.
You said you were 22? What of your dreams and education? Have you finished college or university? Are you simply at stay-at-home Mom at this point? When he gets his degree and you don't have one will he then say that you have nothing in common? Will he be looking further afield at people that intellectually stimulate him? I don't know here --- I think I'd take a long hard look at this situation and seek answers from him. For instance why has he been gone for two months for school? Why is this necessary? Why is his ex not in the picture for the child? Why do you not have the same support system that you are giving him? Where are his parents, why aren't they helping with the child? Why and where are the ex's parents and why aren't they helping?
IMO you are being used as a surrogate Mom, Housewife, and Partner without any of the benefits. Ask for them, and don't take no for an answer. You need to have some freedoms that have been granted to womens and as a lawyer he should know that himself.

[jns]

I agree with the others, he is manipulating you and is controlling. Him being a guy, I doubt he will change.