[Butterflyy]

So awhile ago (and I know this was wrong of me) I looked at the text messages on my boyfriends phone and found things that really traumatized me. I saw that he had been texting a number (it didn't have a name) and it was very sexual. She had said things like "Oh I guess my computer decided I'm watching porn tonight " and he would say "Oh that's so sexy " and he said that sometimes he watches porn too (which I admit bothers me) and he would say things about how hot and sexy her beautiful curvy body was (this hit me hard because I am 5'4" and 110lbs, no boobs, no butt, the complete opposite of curvy, so you can understand what an emotional blow that was to me) and they mentioned how they had "memories" on his couch and talked about her "*****" and how hard and turned on he was from them talking and then sent a couple pictures of his hard penis to this girl.

I was so distraught that I didn't get very far in the conversation before I threw the phone down and confronted him. I repeatedly told him that I know what I did was wrong, and then I told him what I saw. At first he was dumbstruck, but then he started apologizing like crazy and saying nothing happened (which I fully believe that nothing did happen). He sat me down and knelt down on the floor below me and told me that he knows it was wrong of him to do that and he never meant to hurt me and it meant nothing to him, but that he hasn't even texted that number in months because he blocked it himself (the fact that he did that before I found out makes me feel loads better). He kept apologizing and telling me how much he loves me and he understands if I hate him now and that he hates himself and started crying a lot. I had never ever seen him cry before and the only time I even knew of him crying was when his dog died that he had grown up with since he was like five so I knew this was a big deal and he really meant what he was saying. I told him that I didn't hate him, I still loved him but I was very very upset with him. He told me again that he had blocked the number and he promised and pinky promised quite a few times that it would never happen again.

This happened awhile ago and we have talked about it a few times, in person and over text messages. Each time in person he teared up and started to cry and over texts he admitted that he hasn't forgiven himself and he thinks about what he did every night and it kills him and he has cried about it a lot and he hates himself. I told him how much it hurt me to see him talking about her curvy body since I am nothing like that and he repeatedly said that it meant nothing to him and he loves my body the way it is and he wouldn't change a thing because it's perfect. He said how he hates knowing how upset I am because of what he did because in reality it meant nothing to him and he hates living with the guilt. I have since mostly gotten over it, but sometimes it still haunts my thoughts. He told me that his uncle did the same thing and him and his girlfriend have been together for 10 years, so I think the thought of that helps me get through this. Sometimes I try to think of reasons why this happened to me, like even though he loves me so much maybe something like this needed to happen so he knows not to just take me for granted or something, I don't know.

But we were sooo in love before and I would always think about how we had the perfect relationship, no fights, nothing wrong, and I guess that's another thing that bothers me about this. The fact that our relationship is no longer "perfect." But I still love him as much as ever, I just wish something like this didn't have to happen. Sometimes I think about ways I could get on his facebook and see his messages to see if there's anything on there, but I don't want to think that. I trusted him sooo much before this happened that I would never even think to do something like that. Honestly, I think the only reason I was even curious to look at his phone in the first place is because I wanted some reassurance that our relationship was in fact perfect. I'm not really sure what I am expecting to get out of all of you reading this, but just getting it out there makes me feel better since I haven't told anyone I know about this, anonymously just feels better.

[Butterflyy]

I just realized that this should be in the Dating section, I clicked on Relationships at the bottom of the home page and didn't bother to check and see if that was the proper one. So if someone wishes to move this I understand

[Alexandra27]

I'm not so good at the advice, but just a couple of things I picked up and thought of while reading this that I thought could possibly be helpful to you =]

It's pretty clear that this whole incident with the txts has scarred your relationship. Sounds like your boyfriend is sorry and that you've heard him out, accepted it and forgiven him. But it's still effecting your relationship in a very negative way and I think you two probably need to dig deep into why. Think about what you can both do to help eachother, to let it go, or to help you both get on the mend from the past. Both separately have a good think about it. & then communicate, talk about it. Try to be as open as possible. You need to understand each other and be on the same level. Your relationship has a bit of a dent in it right now and it needs to be straightened out.

I don't know if you've experienced a true deep feeling of guilt before? But if you haven't had that much of it, you need to know that it seriously can be the most damaging mind-**** ever. (excuse the swearing but it really is like that.) I understand that you would've felt guilty about searching through his txts, naturally, but he'll probably have felt 10 times more guilty about it than you. Guilt is like jealousy, people can literally go insane from guilt, it can destroy relationships and take lives. Clearly those things there are on the extreme end of what guilt does and in NO way am I suggesting your boyfriend will "go insane" or anything like that, but I just wanted to put it out there that guilt IS a truly dangerous emotion. It's pretty clear your boyfriend is not letting this go, he has completely guilt-ridden himself and made himself feel terrible for it. It's really unhealthy and that needs to change. You are aware of what happened, you saw the txts, it's in the past. Unless there's something more he's done that you aren't aware of, it shouldn't still be effecting him this much.

Everyone has made mistakes. He needs to know that, he needs to make sure it's all out, and most importantly, forgive himself.

By the way, from what you've said - mainly in the last paragraph, he's lost your trust (to a certain extent) and he needs to re-gain it. So until you feel that complete trust and true safety with him, you probably will have those wee moments of doubt and urges to read his messages. It's ok and it's natural, don't deny you have them, just don't act on them. =] you're not a bad person for feeling that way at all, you're just human.

Last thing was: you both need to realise this is in the past. Live in the now, you may disagree which is all good, but I think from what I've read - it sounds like that incident in the past, is ruining your present relationship. Also, if your boyfriend goes on treating himself like he says he is, if he regrets his mistake so much - of flirting with that girl, right now... if he keeps on destroying himself for it, then your relationship might head further and further down until it crashes. It could get to the point where both of you won't be able to handle it anymore. & then he'll be sitting there one day, destroying himself over letting it destroying him in the first place. He might end up regreting exactly what he's doing right now. Don't dwell on the past.

I'm sorry if I've focused more on your boyfriend than you, but I think I've said everything I can and I hope some of it helps. =] good luck!

[Butterflyy]

Thanks so much Alexandra27! That was really helpful and I really appreciate it. You talked about how we need to work on letting it go both together and separately, but I'm not sure that I should bring it up again. It happened about a month ago and we talked about it off and on, but I feel like we have had our last conversation about it. I'm not sure where he is emotionally with his guilt and how often he thinks about it, but I think if I would bring it up again that would definitely bring all that guilt back to him and I don't want to do that. I do realize that this incident is in the past and I think that for the most part I have moved on. I tend to be a forgive-and-forget type person, so hopefully with some more time the thought of this happening won't be an issue. I know I have improved because, especially when it first happened, just thinking about it would make me cry. But now when I think about it I don't cry, and I know I don't think about it as much.

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the dent in our relationship, but lately I haven't been feeling as sexual as I have before. He likes to talk dirty over texts when he's "in the mood" and I always go along with it and it would usually get me feeling in the mood too, but lately that has only happened a couple times, and he can tell when I talk dirty with him but I'm not in the mood (Probably because he does all the talking about what he wants and I just agree and don't say as much, when I get in the mood I start telling him what I want to do). And I feel bad because all of a sudden he will say "Okay, I will stop making you talk dirty with me now" because he knows it didn't get me all excited or anything. I think at first, this incident definitely made me take a step backwards in our relationship, but I know I don't think about it very often now, but could it still be affecting me in that way? I think that may be getting better though too, because the couple times that I have had sexual feelings over text messages have been more recent rather than far apart. This doesn't happen to this extent when we are together though, in person I almost always start feeling sexual around him.

[LittlePip]

I'm not sure there is such a thing as a perfect relationship, it always hurts when the first cracks in a relationship arise but relationships that work through these problems often grow stronger for it.

You need to make a decision whether to trust him or not, if you can't trust him again that's understandable, but it won't work. Go with your instincts, because your instincts will have taken into account all the little clues from his body language, his tone of voice, women are very intuitive.

If you find yourself having these moments of doubt, feeling a need to check his records, etc, it might help to share that with him. Tell him you trust him but you are finding it hard at the moment and you need his support to rebuild the trust that has been damaged. Hopefully he'll understand and you'll both be working towards a harmonious relationship.

Good luck.

[AshB$]

I read the first paragraph, all I am going to say is leave his ***.

I know it is hard when you care about someone, but if he doesn't care about you enough to be faithful, screw it. You deserve MUCH better. I can relate to be not so curvy, so I get it hurts. I understand. You need a man to cherish you. This guy is obviously a piece of ****. Sorry for being so blunt. But you can do better. You DESERVE better.

[Butterflyy]

I'm sorry AshB$ but I do not find your reply very helpful and as much as I realize that you were just trying to quickly make your point, I don't appreciate you calling my boyfriend a piece of ****. I get that you're just trying to look out for me and you want me to know that I deserve the best, but there are many other ways to put that nicer than saying he is obviously a piece of ****. If you would have read my whole story, you would know that nothing else happened, he had blocked the number on his own before I found out, and he cried many times over the issue. You would also know that this is the first and only issue in our relationship, and compared to the many types of issues relationships can have, I feel like this one is not that big. And finally, you would also know that I do still love him very much and have since pretty much gotten over it. I agree with LittlePip - no relationship is perfect. And besides, all you heard about is the one mistake he made, you have no idea how many wonderful moments we have shared, how alike we are in almost every way, how incredibly sweet he is, and how his favorite thing to do is make me feel good. As much as I wish this hadn't happened, I do believe we will come out stronger and if anything, it has shown him not to just take me for granted and to cherish me.

[Butterflyy]

And to respond some more to LittlePip:
I do believe I can trust him again, I believe that he was very sincere when he repeatedly said how sorry he was and how it would never happen again. Especially during the confrontation, as much as I didn't want to listen to what he had to say, I still felt like what he was saying was true. I think the only reason that I sometimes feel the need to check things such as his Facebook are because of what I found, but I do not believe I will ever act on that and I think that once I fully dismiss the issue from my mind I will no longer have those urges. He is aware of how his actions made me feel and I think we are both moving on well.

[danny112]

Just from a guys perspective;

It sounds like he was looking for some attention. He knows what he was doing is wrong, and does like you.

You need to decide if you want to be with him and if you are willing to try and trust him again. If you do, then you need to talk to him and figure out what he was looking for and how the two of you can satisfy that.

Also, no more contact with the girl. She has showed what she wants from him and if he can't cut her out, then he has made the decision that he can't control his ego.

[jns]

I'm sorry AshB$ but I do not find your reply very helpful and as much as I realize that you were just trying to quickly make your point, I don't appreciate you calling my boyfriend a piece of ****. I get that you're just trying to look out for me and you want me to know that I deserve the best, but there are many other ways to put that nicer than saying he is obviously a piece of ****. If you would have read my whole story, you would know that nothing else happened, he had blocked the number on his own before I found out, and he cried many times over the issue. You would also know that this is the first and only issue in our relationship, and compared to the many types of issues relationships can have, I feel like this one is not that big. And finally, you would also know that I do still love him very much and have since pretty much gotten over it. I agree with LittlePip - no relationship is perfect. And besides, all you heard about is the one mistake he made, you have no idea how many wonderful moments we have shared, how alike we are in almost every way, how incredibly sweet he is, and how his favorite thing to do is make me feel good. As much as I wish this hadn't happened, I do believe we will come out stronger and if anything, it has shown him not to just take me for granted and to cherish me.

In defense of AshB$, her reaction to what you wrote is not one you wanted to hear, but it is a very natural and common reaction.