[asiangrace]

I will keep this short and sweet. I want to demote my maid of honor. I don't know what the problem is, but this year she has have many issues with my conversation topics.

The list of specific things (so far) I'm not 'allowed' to talk about is:

- School (because it's her dream to go to school)
-Scholarships (because she doesn't think it's right that some people get free school while others don't)
-financial aid for school (see above)
-My other girl friends (jealousy)
-Food or restaurants (this is a new one today...supposedly I "constantly talk about food" and she's trying to lose weight - off and on again dieter - and I need to just stop because it isn't helping her. She said she was cooking up a storm this week because she wanted to eat healthy, so I've been asking her what she's been making for dinners. Apparently, I'm not allowed to do that)
-My new found confidence (her confidence is shot to ****)


These next two are topics I choose not to talk to her about:

-My sex life (this is MY choice. My fiance and I like to go to strip clubs, but she said her husband is too 'classy' and 'upstanding' to go to places like that - uh, gee thanks?. I am afraid I'll be judged when I tell her we're seriously considering thinking about adding a single girl or single guy or another couple in to the mix).

-I'm thinking about trying stripping or gogo dancing in the winter time, just for fun. Not something serious. I really like the pole and it could be good money. She said she would never be able to be friends with a girl who was a stripper. I don't want to do lap dances, just dance on the stage. I just want to try new things.

When we're together, I find it hard to hold a conversation because I'm constantly double checking what I can and can't say. To me, this isn't a true friendship. I regret asking her to be my maid of honor, and it seems like the maid of honor thing has become about her and not me. And that's a whole other ballgame I won't get into.

When I asked her to by my MOH a year ago (before I was even engaged) I thought I was making the right decision bc at the time I could talk to her about anything, but now there's specific stipulations on our conversations that I just can't keep up with anymore.

Help???

[LittlePip]

I would consider repairing your friendship your number one priority, before worrying about your wedding party hierarchy. Have you told her how you feel about being told what to talk about? She may not realise she's doing it, or in her eyes it may seem that you are being insensitive to even bring these things up in the first place (I don't think you are but she may see it that way). It may just take a sensitive chat to resolve things. Maybe ask her to talk about why she finds it hard to talk about those things, she sounds like she cod do with a good friend, and hopefully she'll be in a position to return the favour on your wedding day.

I had to "tell my friend off" today for something and we're both a little cross still but by tomorrow she will have learned she can't treat me badly and we'll both still love each other.

I have learned that some people don't mind hearing about my more "outrageous" side and some people do, some of my friends know I what I like in bed for example but even some of my oldest and closest friends don't talk about that. It's personality types. Perhaps you can confide these things in another friend? For the darkest side of you: that's what WE are here for!

[jns]

Its your wedding, if you need to change something do it. There may be repercussions due to her rules, but it is your wedding.

I wonder about your desire to do stripping because the money is good. Your SO may be alright with it now, but become upset about it after the fact. Right now he is fantasizing about going home with the girl all of the men are after. After he sees men crudely hitting on you while you are dancing au naturel, he may have a change of heart and become jealous. You could to, and not want to stop because you are making good money. And then there is the question of someone seeing you that you know in your outside life who isn't discrete. Gogo dancing may not have these possible problems.

[asiangrace]

Thanks LittlePip! That's a good perspective. When she told me not to talk about school, it was about a two page email about it. I did let her know how I felt about it because I didn't feel like she put it very kindly. She made it sound like I didn't deserve my scholarships. It got out of hand and the topic deviated. I've also let her know how I feel about her jealousy about my friends. She would make off handed comments such as, "oh, is she your new maid of honor?" I might have to write her a letter. I've been hesitant to say anything because I know she's going through a lot of **** in her life - and that's another reason I've tried not to let these things get to me. I didn't want to add to the **** already piling on her. I've been trying to cut her slack, but the food/cooking text was the last straw though. And you are so right, I totally feel free to talk about my "darker" side on here without having to censor myself or be judged!

I don't want to deviate much from the main topic. I do know the risks of stripping - I have a friend who is a former stripper and she's let me in on all the "know" gogo dancing is probably more my taste.

[KMonte85]

I can understand wanting to repair the friendship, but at the same time the MOH plays a critical role in a woman's wedding. If her life is in chaos right now, are you sure that's someone you want running the show to make sure your wedding and everything related to it goes smoothly? Telling you you're not allowed to talk about school? About food? C'mon now... She just doesn't seem to have it in her right now to be a good friend because she's got so much going on with herself. The last person you need as your right hand (wo)man is an envious control freak with self esteem issues.

I'm standing up in a wedding in October, and the bride just had to relieve one of her bridesmaids for the same stuff you're talking about. She was jealous and causing the bride all kinds of fheadaches and heartaches, basically being anything but a supportive friend. I told her the same thing I'm telling you. Don't feel bad about telling her to leave the wedding party if you think it is the right thing to do, but do understand that it could permanently dampen your friendship.

[asiangrace]

I can understand wanting to repair the friendship, but at the same time the MOH plays a critical role in a woman's wedding. If her life is in chaos right now, are you sure that's someone you want running the show to make sure your wedding and everything related to it goes smoothly? Telling you you're not allowed to talk about school? About food? C'mon now... She just doesn't seem to have it in her right now to be a good friend because she's got so much going on with herself. The last person you need as your right hand (wo)man is an envious control freak with self esteem issues.

I'm standing up in a wedding in October, and the bride just had to relieve one of her bridesmaids for the same stuff you're talking about. She was jealous and causing the bride all kinds of fheadaches and heartaches, basically being anything but a supportive friend. I told her the same thing I'm telling you. Don't feel bad about telling her to leave the wedding party if you think it is the right thing to do, but do understand that it could permanently dampen your friendship.

Thanks KMonte! I am wondering, how did that bridesmaid react when the bride had to let her go? I do understand it could permanently dampen our friendship, so that's why I want to proceed with caution. Like I said, I know she's been having a ton of **** going on her life so I've been trying to cut her slack. But it's just been getting worse and worse. One other thing she says a lot is having a baby - they are trying off and on, but every time I mention a wedding date (we are getting married next Spring but no exact date yet) she says, "I hope I'm not pregnant then!" or "Well, I hope I don't miss your wedding because I'm in labor!" or "I won't be able to go plan your bach. party because I'll prob be pregnant and can't drink" things like.... Really? The chances of her being in labor on my wedding day when she isn't even pregnant yet is slim to none. But those are the responses I got every time I would come up with a season other than what she wanted us to do. I'm sorry, I'm not planning my wedding around a baby that will probably not even happen around that time. What you said is right though, she does have a lot of control issues. Maybe I'm selfish, but I really want my wedding day to be about me (I'm not a bridezilla by any means!) and I am willing to accommodate what I need, except a wedding date due to someone's baby they aren't even pregnant with yet. I feel like the joy in our friendship is being sucked away, and last time I brought up an issue (school) it got blown out of proportion. We got over it, but that's just one other thing I have to make sure I never talk about it (and scholarships are NOT easy to comeby! I don't just get handed scholarships. I work hard to maintain my gpa so scholarships renew!)

Sorry, I don't mean to rant. I think I will have to write her a letter soon so this doesn't keep spiraling out of control. Though, I know it will hurt her a lot and that in it of itself will probably dampen our friendship forever.

I'm the kind of person who likes to address issues one at a time, what what you suggest I address first? Our friendship? or MOH status? or her ever controlling ways?

[KMonte85]

The bridesmaid took it hard and even went so far as *gasp* unfriend the bride on facebook (lol sorry, that was snarky but it still makes me smirk). This just happened last week, so I don't know if it will ever be repairable beyond what it is now - only time will tell that. Honestly though, the bride was so fed-up with the way her friend was acting, that she doesn't even really care if they're ever as close as they were, because she was being a rotten person. She knew asking her to step down would cause some serious hard feelings, and she was willing to go through with it anyway because beyond being a bad bridesmaid, she was being an atrocious friend.

So really, as far as addressing the issues with her, you have to ask yourself what's important to you... do you WANT to try to salvage your friendship with her? If so, address your issues with her friendship (and IMO, that includes her control issues) since that's abundantly more important than a wedding day. If the damage is already done and you would rather just be done with the friendship, then as civil as possible tell her she will no longer be your MOH and let the cards fall where they may.

For what it's worth my MOH was pregnant for most of my wedding planning and events. She had her baby less than 2 months before my wedding and it all worked out fine.

[LittlePip]

She can still plan and attend your party even if she's about to pop. It is your wedding, you should do what's right for you. Rather than telling her she CAN'T be your MOH, next time she mentions she can't fulfil her duties why not drop in that someone else (name a name!) can. Perhaps you could even have MOH partners, each doing some of the job (I hear about this more frequently these days when everyone has jobs, families, and busy lives).

However, I would still urge you to have these plans in mind, but to see if the friendship is repairable before you make any final decisions. Work out when the last cut off date for choosing your MOH is (you have a while still if it's a Spring wedding, I think?) then wait until that date to tell your friend someone else is going to take the "burdens" of being the MOH as you can see she's not "in the right place" for that "hard work, burden and extra responibility" right now. See what I did there

[BabyGirl]

You are a good Friend,it shows by you going to all the effort of trying not to upset her .
But... She is Controlling you and you are letting her. You should be Proud of the Scholarship, Proud of your accomplishments in School, enjoy all of your friends and be able to talk about them. You also need to have Peace and Tranquility in planning your Wedding, having Support and help from your Wedding Party, not Stress and Tension.

Now Me ..
With a MOH like that, I'd not worry about telling her I needed to release her from that Position/ Privilege.
I'd invite her out, tell her we needed some special Friend Time.
Take her to an All you can Eat Buffet,pile my plates High and in between bites, share every Grade and Concern about Classes that week,tell her I was applying for every Scholarship I saw available and even entering the online ones. Tell her how excited I was about possibly getting more Scholarship Money to Advance my Education and Career .

I'd talk about how I have a "Friend or Co Worker " That got Pregnant the first week they Tried and she was going to be a MOH, but decided that she didn't want to wear a Tent Sized Gown and hadn't the Strength to keep up with all of the Responsibilities of being a MOH. With the Swelling belly and the swelling ankles and the 50-75 lbs of weight gain , she just bowed out and was willing to just be a Brides Maid .
I'd chatter on about what me & ( name another Friend ) did and how much fun we had going and doing ( Fill in Blank ).

Then at Desert time, with a Piled High Decadent Chocolate Cake topped with Ice cream and Fudge and Whipped Cream and Sprinkles and Cherries .
I'd smile and ask her how her week went? ( that is if she hasn't gotten Pizzed and gotten up and Walked out.

Ok , so maybe I wouldn't do all that.. Lol

But I like to share my Dreams with my Friends. And also like them to Share theirs with me. I'd tell her that School and Scholarships are part of my Life and Dreams. Then tell her that if it upset her to talk about certain Good Things and Happy things in my Life. Then maybe we should take a Break from the "Deep Best Friend " type of Friendship. That I need to share the positive things in my life, keep a Happy go Lucky Excitement up.

I'd tell her I understand she is having a rough time and would love to be there to help her when needed. But I still have to be able to Share my Good Times.Because dwelling on Negative, just isn't the way I want to live.

I'd give her the List of MOH Duties and ask her if she felt she was up to it ? It is Extensive, it is not only a Privilege but a Duty to be your second hand (Wo) Man. Explain that last minute changes or fights or misunderstandings, Snafu's won't be allowed, once the Date is Set .


P.S. I'll find that list, so you can Give or send it to her .. It is a Workout for sure .

[DreamP346]

how about sitting down with her and saying "It seems like you have a lot of stuff going on in your life. I know how much you want to be my MOH, but I think its unfair to add all these responsibilities on you when you have enough to deal with. Therefore I have asked XXX to fill in that role. If you like, you gals can do it together..." Frame it like you are doing her a favor by demoting her.