[Charleena]

I haven't been on this forum in a long time, so I hope it's okay if I pop back in for some advice.

I start university this fall, and I'm really excited. I've been accepted to the top school in the country and I'm going to continue my education to become a neurosurgeon [lets hope I last that long]. Needless to say, I've turned a new leaf this year. Last year I got mixed in the wrong crowd while going through a rough time family-wise, and that lead me to struggles with self harm (cutting), drinking, and anorexia. That span lasted for about seven months - I've been clean of everything for the last six months now! I'm not going to go back to my old 'fixes'.

That aside, I have some dark spots from last year I don't like to talk about. I've told one friend, whom I lost after admitting my struggles to. As I said, I'm starting university quite soon and I'm already close with my incoming class. I think in the past few weeks I've made more friends and met more unique people than my previous lifetime. Now that I'm coming into an environment that is more 'safe' than my last, I'm not sure how to approach the future with my past, if that makes any sense. I keep getting this image in my head of me a few years from now and in a relationship with the guy of my dreams. How or when do I tell him I used to be a cutter, if I should tell him at all? What do I say or do when he sees the scars on my legs? It might not seem like a big deal, but I'm an extremely secretive person (for an example, I broke my ribs and tailbone in an accident but didn't tell anyone because I'm stupid and didn't want to worry people) so it's really hard for me to even admit that seriously flawed time I let myself go through last year.

To sum it up, I'm not sure if my 'dark days' should be kept to myself for the rest of my life or not. Obviously, I'm not going to go running around campus giving out hugs and announcing I used to be a self-harmer. Again, what if I meet someone who deserves to know everything about me? Would I ruin the relationship if I told the truth? It's really frustrating when you don't know which people to tell and which to not. I would really appreciate opinions on the matter, and I like to thank you in advance for even just taking the time and reading this post. Strangely enough, it means a lot.

P.S I don't have any family, friends, or a trusted adult I can discuss this issue with.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi hon, off course you can drop in when ever you like.

IDK, this is my honest thoughts.

Your past is your past, your present is what will take you into your future. Your present is what shapes you to be the total you, who you are.

Past, we all make mistakes, all get lost, all do things that we wished that we didn't, we are human and it is normal.

Your past belongs to you. You belong to you. When someone comes into your life and you are about to get married and you know in your heart as does he that this is it, this is the one? Then one day you may wish to tell him so that you finally can have closure on it. I can not see someone who truly loves you, even caring what you did, that is not who they met. I can see them feeling sorry for you though.

Just remember the above, this is your journey, all of that is past. You need to stop trying to validate it to yourself that it is an evil past. It is just, purely and simply a past problem that is all. And, it's over now.

Scars are scars, we all have them whether they are noticable or not.

If asked? They're just scars, shirt happens and change the subject.

[LittlePip]

Only tell who you need to tell, as and when you need to tell them. As the posters above say, your past it behind you now, you have made a decision to live your life in a healthy way. Make the decision right now that if you feel yourself slipping, you get any urge to self harm, whether that be cutting or restricting food, you tell your closest, most trusted friend. In this instance you will need that person for support.

You can just say that in the past, or 'when I was younger' (implying that you are now older and wiser), I used to find it difficult to deal with my problems in a healthy way, like talking things through with a friend, and I used to take it out on myself. I'm going through a tough time at the moment and I could really use the support of a good friend. This way your friend is already open to hearing your problems, and may ask how you took it out on yourself, by which point you know they are truly concerned for you. It's harder to let your friends down by going back to the old ways than to let yourself down so it just gives you that extra safeguard IF you do feel yourself slipping.

I'm surprised you had a friend with so little compassion, you are better off without her!

Good luck

[Stillness]

I've always been a pretty decent speller, but I kept having trouble with the word "friend." I still have issues with certain words, but never with "friend" because when I was a boy my mother told me, "A true friend is a friend till the end." As in the word "friend" ends in "end." Every time I write the word I hear my mother's voice. It's more than grammar. I will never forget it.

Friends don't abandon you when it gets unpleasant. They get closer so you can lean on them. You didn't lose a friend because you told them an intimate detail about yourself. You found out who they really were. If anything, friendship is built on intimacy. A true friend, romantic or otherwise, won't leave you because you reveal your struggles. It's not like you murdered someone and stole their identity (you are really Charleena, right?). I'm not minimizing what you're going through, but your issues sound internal. So a person is not going to be worried about you hurting them. If I were single, none of the things you mentioned would rule you out. Just be discreet. Everyone doesn't need or deserve to know everything.

[Magnetism]

You aren't obligated to tell anyone your past, but you also have the right to share if it makes you feel better. If you have the urge to tell someone, I would do it knowing that the person is emotionally safe and trustworthy.

People feel like they're being dishonest or secretive when they're hiding their past. I disagree with that. It's just that a person no longer feels the need to live in their past by talking about it.

As for dating someone, I would only disclose this when I know a man loves me. When a man is ecstatically enamored with you, I don't think your past will matter.

[DreamP346]

When you meet the right person, you will find that you feel comfortable with them to tell them your past or know that not telling them will not impact anything at all. You will just feel that comfortable with them.

[Hugo-B]

No-one is perfect. No-one. the fact you have worked through this speaks volumes about your strength of character, you are also now working towards a clearly defined goal and have made new friends and are starting a new life. Good for you.

I can't speak for anyone else but right now I'm judging you (what little I know of you) on who you are now, not who or 'what' you were.

Pasts are like ********, we all have one. Most people have marks (to a lesser or greater degree) left by their past on their insides, the only difference here is a few of yours are on you legs.

I also agree completely with all of the above, so will not cause an echo.

Good luck.

[Warrioress]

There is nothing wrong with opening up to someone whom you trust about your past. It's not as 'Dark' as you may think. I've heard a lot worse. And you are absolutely right, if you meet someone whom you trust and whom deserves to know everything about you because they have given you the same trust and disclosure, then yes, tell them about who you were before you met them, who you are since you've met them, and who you want to be because of the wonderful person that they are!

[Charleena]

Thank you all for your thoughts/advice/opinions. I'm sure it seems like I'm over thinking everything and don't need to be worrying about the future so much, but as someone who is as ashamed of their past as much as I am, the future (and relationships alone) is pretty scary. I'm guessing my concerns all stem from the fact my friend completely dumped me on the side of the road when she found out what I was going through at the time. Even though she ended up not being a friend until the end, she's still the little girl I played with in kindergarten, moved in with when her mom died, traveled to six different countries in two months with, and went on dozens of road trips all over the country. I wouldn't consider her 'not a friend', but that I was too much for her to handle in the end. I just wanted to clarify that - it was my fault to have gone across the deep end and not hers.

[Element]

I've been there (literally) and have worried about that (quite a bit). When I told my current boyfriend, he said that he didn't care. It's not who I am now, it's not the woman he's in a relationship with. It made me feel floored. Eventually we became so close that he now knows more about me than anyone who has ever laid eyes upon me. And he loves me, trusts me, and respects me. Otherwise I wouldn't be living with him and his son.

So when you and this man because close, he won't care who you were in past lives. All that he's going to care about, cherish, love, respect and be dazzled by is who you are in front of him.