[danny112]

So long story short. I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids. 2 months ago, out of the blue from my point of view, my wife asked me to move out. She said I am depressed (due to unemployment) and that I act too jealous with her guy friends. Through our talking she said this was 90% my fault and 10% hers.

I have been living with my father and have had regular contact with my kids and wife. Things have been up and down of course but I feel that things have generally been getting better between us. I got put on and anti-depressant and have been seeing a therapist. Basically, I have been trying to do whatever I can to better myself and be more of the person she wants to be with and more of the person I want to be.

Now I feel that she has more issues than I did from the beginning. She says she isn't ready to go to counseling, by herself or together, and that she goes through feeling of wanting to be together and not. We have been very open with each other about everything we can.

I know this is a lot more complicated that this but I am looking for any advice on how I can support her and hopefully encourage her to take care of our problems.

I love this women with all my heart and want her to be happy regardless ( hopefully I will still be with her) of our relationship and hope someone may have some insight.

[LittlePip]

I think you need to get a clear picture from her of what she wants, compare it to what you want (tell her, explicitly, she may not realise) and then find a way for you both to get there. She's very lucky to have you stick by her and listen to her call for change, very few men do.

Well done for working towards a better you, at least a positive will come out of all this when you are the best you you can be. Hopefully your relationship will be stronger for it.

In this time apart it may be an idea to open a discussion about some ground rules, for both of you. I would suggest that until you have both decided its the end that neither of you co
complicate the situation by bringing new love interests into the mix, for example.

To be honest I don't really have any useful advice but I read the post and wanted to give some word of encouragement! Sorry if it wasn't much help, but you have been heard, there are people out there!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know Danny, I think that it is lovely that you want her to be happy regardless of whether you both get back together again or not.

You know also, honestly things usually are 50/50 not 90/10 and I think that she doesn't want to accept any blame herself for what has occured.

It's not your fault you are un-employed and off course you are going to be depressed about that, who wouldn't? And I hope that instead of you focusing soley as I am feeling on "her" feelings that you heal yourself and realise your self worth and keep seeing your Therapist.. Another job will come up when you are ready to face the World again.

You unfortunately, can't make her do anything however, if you make yourself do everything for you, that can bring you back to where you were when you were happy, she may very well see this 50/50 instead of 90/10.

If you act jealous over her male friends, chances are it's fear of losing her to another guy. But, if she was to do that, she would do it anyway so really jealousy is a wasted energy.. She should not ask you to leave because of that unless you were belittling her, calling her names, accusing her and this was on-going... Like I said it's a waste of energy.

Look after you for the moment.. How can anyone take care of a situation or someone else if they themselves aren't 100%?

[Charleena]

I have very strong thoughts on separation, so if I seem harsh about anything, please don't be offended. This topic hits home for me.

I loathe separations. They are so hard on the kids. When I was little, my parents would separate all the time. Each time my dad left, I would wonder when I would ever see him again, if he still loved my mom, or if he stopped loving me too. Then, dad would come back, and everything was fine! Until the next separation. From a kid's point of view, it's a really unstable environment and is pretty scary. Eventually, and sadly so, it got to the point when I was tired of seeing my mom cry every time they decided to part ways and wished they would just get divorced finally and stop the drama. At that point I was a seven year old wanting my parents to just stop it already.

That being said, I hate separation. I understand why people do it, don't get me wrong there. Of course, your situation is different than what my parents' was. Personally, I think when people get married and decide to have a family that their in it together - through the thick and thin. Remember the vows, "For better or for worse"? I really respect you for taking time to fix any issues you're having - it takes a lot of guts to even recognize flaws within ourselves - but since you have a family, I think it will make you a stronger family by fixing things together rather than separating and fixing them alone. Because in the long run, if you all run away from each other to fix your problems by yourself, you aren't really a solid family.

I would propose to your wife that you (you, her, and your children) should become a family again and power through the hard times together. Enough with separations. Work things out together. It will make you a stronger couple and will set a good example for your children. At first your wife might not want you to move back - encourage her. It sounds like a lot of your issues are resolved, and that she has some that have risen. Be there for her and show her that you're ready to bring the family back together. It isn't going to be all apple-pie for awhile - times will still be rough and you'll have a lot of things to work through together. But if you truly want to keep your family together, you'll never regret doing everything you can to make it work out.

[jns]

danny, tell me, before you became unemployed was she making a lot more than you? With you being unemployed, she may be seeing you as a drain on resources, especially those for the kids.

Further, with her as the breadwinner she may feel more empowered about having her opinion be the one that counts. What was the standard before when you were employed?

Were you too busy to worry about her guy friends when you were both working? Sometimes we nitpick at things when we have too much free time.

[danny112]

danny, tell me, before you became unemployed was she making a lot more than you? With you being unemployed, she may be seeing you as a drain on resources, especially those for the kids.

Further, with her as the breadwinner she may feel more empowered about having her opinion be the one that counts. What was the standard before when you were employed?

Were you too busy to worry about her guy friends when you were both working? Sometimes we nitpick at things when we have too much free time.

I was making more than her but not anything significant. I have made a conscious effort to not spend money on things I would have before. Money has never been a problem before as we are very good at living within our means. I do realize that the stress of her being the sole provider could cause a problem.

I wasn't jealous before. I made it clear that there were certain guys friends that I didn't trust. But it was them that I didn't trust, not her.

Now, of course, she has made a new friend who is recently divorced, So the situation is me not living at home, my wife and her new friend are in somewhat compromised emotional states, and they like to drink a lot. It seems like a recipe for what i would think of as disaster. I have told her I am jealous of them time she chooses to spend with him and not me and threatened by his intentions. She just thinks he's a nice guy while I think he's just shown up in her life at a tough time and is waiting to make his move.

[Hugo-B]

Danny, when you're walking through **** you just need to keep going.

You've laid your cards on the table and thrown the ball in your wife's court. She is emotionally vulnerable at the moment and (whilst I'm not the jealous type) you are well within your rights to be suspicious of this other guy. Men know how men think, and women know how women think. Unfortunately you have little control over the situation now and are at the mercy of your wife's integrity. She needs to WANT you both to work through this together, as with any situation in life involving another human being we can only influence the outcome and cannot control it. I know how difficult women who can drink can be and how infuriating it often is listening to them hungover, harping on about changing their ways only to find them imbibing another bottle of wine that night. My ex phoned me on more than one occasion drunk in the middle of the night after she'd fallen asleep on the train and woken up at the end of the line in the middle of no-where, she was sick in our bed and in my car several times through our relationship and still drinks too much now. People tend not to change without the iron will to do so.

What you DO have control with is how you handle this situation and mange your time, your feelings, and your emotions. Apart from the time you spend with your children, I would focus 100% of your remaining energy on bettering yourself, job hunting and exercising. If there is no work (and there isn't much about) then focus on academic study so you have more skills and qualifications when the economy (hopefully) picks up. apply for unpaid voluntary work experience placements to gain experience and hit the gym every day after work. All of this will have the added benefit of keeping your mind occupied and raising your self esteem.

Good luck

[Phoebster3]

Well put Charleena...make a decision & stick with it. Keep life simple & remember love & happiness is what it takes and the LORD!!!!!