[Magnetism]

I know you can't generalize, but I would like a general opinion on how you think most men would react when their girlfriend or wife reveals an abusive family history. Is it normal for a man to tell his wife to cut contact with her toxic parents or is he able to just listen to his partner's story and let her make the decision on how she wants to handle her family?

My last boyfriend was loving and undertanding towards what happened to me and said it wasn't my fault, but he had a lot of anger and rage towards my parents. He would call my mom names and say she's an ugly old ***** and how I shouldn't have any sympathy for her. He would tell me that I shouldn't even call my step-dad "dad" and he would want me to limit my contact with my parents. I once planned a trip out to visit my family, but he told me to cancel my trip. He said that he didn't want me to be around my parents and was concerned about my mental health. Whenever my ex would meet my parents, he would act rude to them. He would also encourage me to be rude to my parents. I was raised that you still be polite to your elders, even if you don't like them.

Even though what my parents did was wrong, it makes me uncomfortable to hear someone say that my mom is a nasty old ***** and how my parents should be locked up in a zoo (yes, he said that). Having to hear that ruins the passion of the relationship. I want to relax and have fun when I'm dating someone. I understand if someone doesn't like my parents, but is it too much to ask to just keep your opinions and let it go?


I'm at the point where I'm contemplating to not even mention a word about my trauma history to my next partner. I'm just concerned about people not being able to handle these kinds of things. I don't want to deal with the drama of someone being mean to my parents. Another example is when my former roommate knew about my family. My family invited her for dinner with us when they visited me. She refused to go, because she said she couldn't bear to look at my parents' faces. She also said that she has a hard time acting nice to my mom.

Do you think a nice man would be willing to accept my decision to keep contact with my family? I have decided to forgive my parents, so I don't want to be encouraged to hate my parents forever or treat them poorly. It's not helpful for me and my future.

In an ideal world, it would be nice to share our problems and have everyone understand. I feel like sharing your family details can sometimes make things worse. My therapist was surprised as to why some of my close friends don't know my problems, but you just don't know how someone can handle the details.

[notlikethenormal]

Someone that truely cares for you will respect your decision.

I also expereinced abuse as a young child, my father knew but my mother did not.

My boyfriend was the very first person I ever told about the abuse, and thank god for him.

He gets along with my mother just fine but my father he just stays away from. He doesn't refuse to go places with me when he knows my father will be there but he makes a point to not be in the same room because he knows he'll have nothing nice to say.

[Hugo-B]

I've mentioned this in response to a previous post, If you can't remember I'll write out another response. ^ what NLN says though x

[DreamP346]

Honestly, if somebody had hurt somebody I loved, was not punished for it and was not repentent, I would probably act like your ex. I don't know the details of your past, but if your step-father abused you and was never punished for it and never appologized whole heartedly and wasn't going out of his way to make up for his past deeds, I could not respect such a human being. I would always fear that he would hurt my loved one again. I would do everything to show him that I hated him, didn't respect him and would do anything to protect my loved one. I would also ask my loved one to break any ties with him because they are toxic individuals that should be kept away from decent people.

Imagine the situation differently. Your lover/partner tells you that her neighbor raped her when she was a child. She still lives next to this person. However, she has forgiven the person and wants you to be respectful to this rapist and even visits that person and spends time with them. This rapist is like a father figure that she never had. He had never been caught/convicted. There is no way of knowing if he is still doing stuff like that. Wouldn't you constantly fear for your partner's safety? Wouldn't you also wonder if this person would do something like that again? Wouldn't you ask your parnter to cut off all ties and not have any relationship to this person. Wouldn't you constantly wonder if he was raping other little girls.

Not saying this is the right response, its just the reponse I would have.

[Magnetism]

Sp-the way how I see it is that I can't control the other persons actions. If they want to keep in touch with someone, then I can't stop them. Safety would be a concern, but my parents arent hurting me. They are doing everything they can to make up for what they've done. All what holding on to anger and resentment has done for me is attract toxic people. Buddhaboy asked why I was single. It's bc I've been carrying a cloud of darkness and negativity for the past decade .I now feel happier and relaxed after forgiving my parents where both men and women now want to be around me. The same man that wanted me to cut ties with my family turned out to treat me the same way how he treated my mom anyway. How a man treats those that mean nothing to him is an indication of how he will treat his partner. If a man thinks its okay to call someone's mother a nasty b, chances are he will call me one too...... And he did call me these names when we broke up.

[Stillness]

I think it depends on the nature of the abuse.

Recently my cousins told me a "family secret" about my uncle allegedly molesting a young cousin (10-11). I told them I keep no such secrets. My cousin (her mother) didn't want to go to the authorities. I respected her decision. But, I immediately told everyone I could and told them to tell everyone they could (very large family, mostly women). 3 generations met for 5 hours discussing this. All of a sudden a whole lot of other shocking secrets of abuse and incest between other family members (some we were able to confirm) started coming out. It was emotionally exhausting.

It's hard to convey the fear, love, hatred, and respect that my uncle commands over 3 generations of our family - and even the larger community. He's very charismatic and smart and has had a hand in raising a lot of family members. He has always played with the children, taught them, taken them on outings, and has "adopted" and given refuge to family and neighborhood youths with nowhere to go. He's also a bully, has weapons he knows how to use and is an extremely fit, physically powerful individual. Another female cousin he had beat up (she wasn't the only one) actually defended him, saying he never touched her, any of her sisters, or anybody else from our generation (true). I've seen him with my own eyes fight 2 larger armed police officers and get the better of them at 60 years old. One had to put a gun to his head and he still wouldn't stop. He's been shot twice with multiple bullets and could still probably outrun just about anybody. He's tough. He literally views himself as a god. He believes he has supernatural powers. I wanted to let my little cousin, and my whole family know how men can be. That some of us won't tolerate and protect bullies that harm women and girls. I made multiple attempts to confront him, but could never catch him except at the death of our aunt when we were mourning and it was not good timing to deal with the allegations. He was initially uncomfortable, probably because he heard I had been coming for him. But we mourned, laughed (we were close), broke bread together, and I was respectful.

It was able to be that way because I was at peace. I had done everything I could to nullify any potential danger to others and to support my cousin and her child. And I still love my uncle.

I easily forgive. I'm also a very private person and will keep family secrets to my grave, but some things have to be exposed and dealt with in the light, just for the sake of protecting others, let alone processing the pain for the victim. If that was the situation I would be cool. But if I still felt like this person was a threat, being protected with secrecy, and as sp346 said, was unrepentant, I might have a big problem. It would feel like the family was supporting the abuse. I'm very intolerant of that kind of stuff. I might have an issue with not just the abuser, but my mate. If it was just a girlfriend, I might not want anything to do with her family or her. Men want to protect and we need our women to let us protect them. It would just depend.

[Hugo-B]

Stillness, if you don't mind me asking, could you clarify a few things? The allegations made against your uncle, did you believe them, and was he involved in the other allegations which were confirmed?

I might have an issue with not just the abuser, but my mate. If it was just a girlfriend, I might not want anything to do with her family or her

What would make you have an issue with your GF as well as her abuser? I can understand you not wanting anything to do with her family, but what would make you not want anything to do with her either? I can understand frustration at why the abuser wasn't reported to the authorities, but an abuse victim isn't culpable. I am acutely aware of the difficulties that can arise from the behavior of someone affected by abuse, is this what you mean?

I'm not 'calling you out here' and I realize how difficult it must have been for you to deal with the issues recently addressed by your family, you're a bright guy and I'm trust trying to understand your rationale behind this, if I've interpreted it correctly of course. Apologies if I haven't.

[Magnetism]

Wow, I had a feeling that this topic might provoke strong issues in others.

Everyone has a right to feel how they feel, but all I know is that I can't marry someone that tells me that I can't talk to my family. I'm not going to just dump my parents on the street and let them rot when they get old.

It's things like these that inspire me to stay single and not bother with relationships. I'm not trying to sound snobby, but I feel like my life story is something that most people can't relate to. The solution is to:

1) Stay single forever
2) Keep my family life a secret from the person I'm seeing
3) Marry a fellow incest survivor that gets it.

The author Dave Pelzer forgave his mother, and he has one of the most horrific child abuse stories I have ever read of.

[Magnetism]

Double post. Sorry.

[Hugo-B]

I read Dave Pelzer's book, and it was horrific to say the least.

I do not have strong issues with what others choose to do in relation to their family's business, but I am curious to see how people arrive at particular decisions, hence my post above which is in no way meant to be confrontational or 'challenging'. How a family chooses to react is subjective, not to mention their own, private business.

If we got married Magnetism - and this is purely hypothetical of course - I wouldn't try telling you that you couldn't to anyone (except men that were better looking than me) but I certainly wouldn't ever be in the same room as your step father, and that's much, much more for his benefit than mine, trust me.