[Magnetism]

To the person that asked what's the need in telling my partners if I'm over it:

In past relationships, I have found that relationships can trigger flashbacks. I feel like I have to explain to the person why I dissassociate or get nightmares. I also would like the other person to understand what the sources of my stress are. I can relate to the other poster on how her boyfriend has used her story against her, because that has happened to me too.



Little-I think forgiveness is helping me, because I feel that the anger and resentment was impacting my ability to fully enjoy sex (like trusting someone enough to allow them enter me), committing to someone, and attracting healthier people. I feel I need to be emotionally healthy myself before I start to attract the ideal partner. If I'm angry, negative and resentful, I will only attract those that mirror it.

[Stillness]

That's not something I'm comfortable doing ,especially when I know that most people probably wouldn't care and they would just shame the entire family (including me). Not only have I read articles in India about the police blaming incest/rape victims, but I also had an Indian ex-boyfriend blame me for my abuse and encouraged me to stay dependent on my parents. I'm not trying to say that all Indians are like this, but I wanted my European ex to understand that not all cultures are ready to support an incest victim.

Yeah, sometimes it's better to put that stuff behind you and be happy that your parents are apologetic. Bitterness and frustration could be worse than the actual abuse. There are men that will support you the way you need to be supported.

[Little]

I don't hear jokes about raping women.

I am basing my observations on what I see on Facebook and what I hear from friends and former coworkers, which includes lots of men, mostly between the ages of 20 and 50. You would think rape was a hilarious thing. "Man, I raped that test today." Hurr hurr.
There was also a public outcry against popular TV show host Daniel Tosh (an article concerning it is the 4th result if you Google Tosh) when he said of an audience member: "Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by, like, five guys right now?" Only thing worse than what he said, IMO, is the insane amount of male support he got
I admit I might hear more of these in a sort of "new car syndrome" kind of way - if you're looking for something, you find it - but it's out there, it's not hard to find, and it makes me sad.

[jns]

I don't think that the public, non-survivors, can understand why we would want to continue to be a part of the abuser's life. They're too busy calling rapists and abusers "monsters" to cover up the fact that they are our parents, siblings, family, friends. They are human beings, terribly flawed human beings, not rabid dogs to be shot behind the barn. If survivors have to keep living, so do offenders - and survivors have to keep living knowing that offenders are living. Treating with the offenders, trying to find the human in them, trying to find forgiveness or something like it, is very meaningful. It's a very good way to heal, or at least was for me.

There is a lot I disagree with in this.

Nobody that wasn't part of the rape or the families or friends of the parties that were is calling rapists and abusers ad hominem names is trying to cover up anything. In fact, they are trying to highlight the situation. What they are not willing to do is make allowances for the horrible actions of some. Making such allowances will allow the actions to continue to go on if the right situation presents itself again. This is no different than other serial abusers. What others have problems with is the "circle the wagons" mentality. Since it was not done by a relative or friend of theirs, others are not going to back off on their opinion.

Should rapists and abusers be shot like rabid dogs? Probably not since that isn't the penalty in today's society. But if things were different, a different penalty could apply. Certainly, if they export their new skills to harming others, it is something society should do something about. I have no problem with the penalty being extra harsh if the victim and maybe the victim's family wanted it.

I doubt that there will be true remorse by many rapists and abusers in such a situation. As such, I don't think living with the knowledge of what they did has much of an effect. However, having them lose everything and live the life that many hard working, well meaning, good, poor people live as normal life would not be too much to ask. Maybe living a life of struggle will give them a chance to examine how they got there.

I think I would distance myself from a male friend who didn't have an angry, visceral reaction when he found out a family member or close friend had been raped or seriously abused.

[Hugo-B]

After all, don't we live in a culture that teaches us when women say NO, they really mean YES? A culture that wants women to be unwilling when it comes to sex? A culture that thinks sex is a reasonable way to pay back good deeds (help a girl move - she better give it up!) Certainly nobody here thinks that, and nobody WANTS to believe they think that on a conscious level, but listen to the jokes your friends tell and the situations that sound reasonable. Our culture as a whole is OKAY with rape when it happens between adults who know each other. Part of my healing has been fighting against that idea.

I think it would be quite easy to perceive this as the case Little, and you are well within your rights to do so, but please hear me out; I've already explained my stance on the legal aspects of rape, so I won't repeat myself. I wasn't going to post this, but I've decided to put myself in the firing line...

I think lampooning a subject - especially a thorny one such as rape - is one way of dealing with it, acknowledging its widespread existence, and allowing ourselves to temporarily take a lighter hearted approach to life once in a while.

Some of the things we have to deal with in life are so awful, and yet so widespread that we virtually just have to face the fact that they simply aren't going away any time soon.

I've laughed at jokes comedians have made about cancer, although it runs in my family and there is a good chance I'll get - this actually helps me deal with it; my best friend hanged himself and I've laughed at jokes I've heard about suicide, and believe me, he would have wanted me to and would likely have laughed himself if he'd heard them. I think Chris Rock does a fantastic job of lampooning racism, it's a great way to address an issue which shows no sign of ever going away, I believe Chris Rock basically just says: 'it's about time we just stopped for five minutes and had a laugh about this'. I don't think that makes him a racist, even when he makes jokes about white people.

Finally, one of my favorite comedians, Jimmy Carr has made many jokes about rape, and yes, I have laughed at them. I've been indirectly affected by rape and I've stated my views in this thread so wont waste time repeating them. By me laughing at his jokes doesn't mean I find rape, or a rape victim something or someone to laugh at, or rape a subject which shouldn't be taken seriously under the right circumstances, but sometimes I think laughing at such horrific things is a form of escapism, like a way to deal with and accept its existence, in a 'humor in the face of adversity' type of way. I'm no expert on anything but I do know with certainty that taking ourselves, and lives too seriously will only guarantee us a one way ticket to the laughing house.

This works both ways, too. There's a very funny female comedian called 'Amy Schumer' and in her act 'Cutting' she makes a very funny (in my opinion) joke to a male member of the audience, to paraphrase her it goes something like this: "you're so good looking that I'd accuse you of raping me just so I'd get another look at you in the line up". BTW, In the UK, the Law goes something like this: if a woman accuses a man of raping her she retains her anonymity whilst his name is made public (in the initial stages, up until I think she chooses to press charges) this is why footballers (for example) can be publicly named in newspapers on the basis of a mere rape allegation whilst the accuser remains anonymous, if she chooses to drop the charges she'll remain anonymous . A man could easily find this very offensive, she's making fun of a technicality in the system which can - and has - destroyed many men's reputations and careers, but I still laughed, because it was funny, and I don't think in all seriousness it was made in bad taste.

What I'm trying to say here is that whilst there is no real tenable argument to defend this kind of humor - and you have (and anyone else) every right to declare it as distasteful, abhorrent, and morally repugnant , I'm trying to proffer an explanation - not a justification - for its widespread use. I would be lying if I said I had never laughed at these kind of jokes, that really would make me a hypocrite. Whilst it does make me sound like a hypocrite, I can honestly say whilst I laugh and have laughed at some arguably very distasteful jokes it doesn't mean I find the subject something to laugh at in every instance.

I hope this makes sense, or at least does help offer an explanation. I actually had some difficulty articulating myself in this post.