[Km2982]

I spent 10 years, 4 of which married, in an emotionally, and ocassionally physically abusive relationship. We met when I was 18, he was 34. He was my first boyfriend.

After 10 years, and after meeting my current boyfriend, I finally realised what he was doing to me. I had very low self confidence and was extremely insecure. My current boyfriend made me realise I didn't deserve to be run down, spat at, hit and verbally abused. So I found the strength to leave him.

I moved to Spain to be with my boyfriend and my family (I met him through my family), and thought I had left my past behind.
But no, it's not as easy as that.

My new guy is one of the nicest guys you could meet. He is younger than me, 23, and has had a nice stable upbringing, and I'm his first serious relationship. When we met, I felt like a new person, had a laugh, didn't really stress about stuff, took a joke on the head. I felt normal. For about 6 months.
However, I have now somehow managed to let these horrendous thoughts from my previous relationship control our relationship and all he has to do is say a small innocent thing and I take it to heart, then either have a go at him or burst into tears. And the poor lad has no idea how to deal with it.

Over the last year we have lived together I have pushed him and pushed him and I know he is really fed up now. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and I know I probably jumped into things far too soon after my marriage ended, but my feeling for him were so powerful I couldn't ignore it.
Anyway, I am now in a situation were I know he is really ****ed with me. He doesn't really know how to deal with "bad things" as he's never had to deal with them, and he has dealt with things I have told him quite well considering.
I'm just scared I have pushed him too far this time. I have spent the last 2 days trawling the internet, writing down the things my ex did to me, (I've never really dealt with it, I just tried to pick myself up and carry on) and it has made me realise that I have been tarring this lovely lovely guy with the same brush as my ex.

I want to get over these feelings and writing things down is really helping but now I'm worried I've lost my boyfriend because of my emotional baggage. He hasn't really spoke to me since the last time I went off on one with him, and he says he's getting to the point that he can't take anymore.
I'm trying to give him some space but because of my insecurities I feel sick to the stomach whenever he's not with me.
I told him yesterday that I needed to get help and I was sorry for pushing him away so much (I've been a cow, in all honesty. I'm lucky he's stayed as long as he has.) He hasn't really said anything, he really does struggle to deal with this sort of stuff which is why it's beginning to worry me that he's quite a 'no worries' kind of person and can he be bothered to deal with this?

We live together and he hasn't made any plans to move out (his parents live down the road so he would have somewhere to go if he wanted to leave), and none of our families know we are having these problems, he obviously hasn't mentioned anything to them and we have close relations with them all. He says he loves me, I just need to back off a bit.
How do I get over the damage my ex did to me? I don't want to lose this guy, he has made me feel more alive than I have ever felt in my life.

[jns]

Km, have you tried some sort of psychological counseling to let you put the past in the past and instead live for today? You need to lessen your response to certain situations and that could help. With the proper conditioning, you won't have the excessive responses you now have.

[Hugo-B]

Exactly what JNS says ^^^

I lived with a girl and your circumstances sound very similar to mine. She nearly made me break down in tears on many an occasion where she'd just worn me down physically and emotionally, she was co-dependent on me and completely ungrateful for anything and everything I did for her. I couldn't get on with any of the things in my life I wanted to (she demanded as much of my time and energy as she possibly could) which I am doing now, and in the end we did split up after a nasty and protracted break-up. Had her behavior been different we'd probably be married now.

I don't want this to happen to you and your BF, you didn't deserve what your ex did, but your BF doesn't deserve what he's getting now. Like me he probably has no idea how to cope and is just grateful for the rare moments of peaceful smooth sailing he experiences.

You say writing down has helped you? Between now and counseling - which worked for my ex when she would go - perhaps try this, it worked for me regarding all sorts of things and I occasionally do it when I'm feeling like I need to let of steam about something. These are called sentence stems and they're really simple. Set aside some time each day so you can do them uninterrupted. You can make up your own so they pertain directly to issues you want to address, or use some of the one's I'll lay out below for you. You write ten responses to each one (approximately) and you write them 'rapid fire' so you just write the first response which comes into your head, don't worry if they don't make exact sense.

I'll answer some as an example to you, and I won't make the answers up either. The question is in bold and the answers are my responses.

When I think about my ex's behavior...
I know it wasn't malicious
I feel sorry for her
I know she had a bad childhood
I wish I'd helped her more
I hope she finds someone to make her happy
I wish things could have been different
I wish she'd had a better dad
I know I tried as hard as I could with her
I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened
if she refused the help I offered her then was no more I could do


Perhaps try these ones for you:
I am grateful to my current BF because...
My BF doesn't deserve to be treated badly because...
When I think about my ex...
today I am going to do my best to be appreciative to my BF because...
My BF deserves me to do the following today...
If I put my past behind me my life will be better because...
treating my BF badly is unfair because...
If I admit how much I like myself I will...
If I put the past behind me I will...
I am grateful for my BF because...


Do these everyday, ten answers approximately for each sentence. Please return to the thread and let us know how you are getting on. Your BF sounds like a good guy and obviously isn't geared up for this, I think you have time to repair things.

Good luck xxx

[Phoebster3]

I'm sorry you have these bad experiences which occurred in your past marriage but...I've been told all my life "You're life is what YOU make of it" and "Do unto others as you would like done unto YOU". I've been through much of the same in my marriage but...once I applied my faith in the Lord and followed those simple rules as I just mentioned I can now say I am happily married going now on 25 yrs. You can't change the past & you can't tell the future but you can live each day with a smile & love in your heart & keep life simple. Love is a precious gift & if you don't start to appreciate what you have you will (hopefully not) experience another FAILED relationship. Obviously what your ex did to you didn't work before so why attempt the same with someone else? Become a better person from your past experiences & stop making your past your excuse on why you are doing what you're doing. Own up & make a change for the better for yourself & things will start to fall into place. One last thing...The Lord is a powerful tool in my life & I pray you will be happy. He'll guide you like He did me if you let him.

[Km2982]

Wow, you have no idea how much these few comments have meant. I have never posted anything on a forum in my life, but I am so desperate to save my relationship I'm willing to do anything.

Buddhaboy, best thing ever hearing from a guy in this situation. It has helped me understand how my boyfriend is feeling now. I have done as you said and it has released a lot of feelings and worries. And made me realise I have to do something.

My boyfriend came home last night after having spent the day out with his father, and he said that although he couldn't forget straight away how much I'd ground him down, he was willing to give me one last chance to sort myself out. He says he loves me but he can't take any more as of now. Which is understandable.
I said that he had to let me try though and not freeze me out and he has let me try, he's been great today but I know this is last chance saloon. I don't want it to end, we have the world at our feet as a couple, living in a foreign country, we both have good jobs, nice cars and a nice home, all of which we have built together and I know it would be such a shame to throw all of that away.

I know I can't just get over this overnight, I have been searching for counsellors in our area and I'm going to go talk to someone.

I am still very angry with my ex, firstly for treating me the way he did, and secondly for letting it effect my relationship now. Maybe I need to let go of that anger?

Please people keep posting, today I am very positive about things, tomorrow I may not be and all advise/kind words really do help.

xxxxxxxxxx

[Hugo-B]

Have you been doing the sentence stems? I'm speaking from an empirical perspective when I say they work (I wouldn't recommend anything like this unless i'd personally field tested it) it seems their simplicity makes people doubt them, we all want simple solutions but think things need to be complicated for them to be effective. The great thing about them is they cannot any harm, I don't see how it can be irresponsible to recommend anyone does them and how they can yield negative consequences. It sounds like you've fallen on your feet with this guy (which you deserve after the last one) and things are worth fighting for, your BF deserves you to make an effort and work hard to resolve these issues for both your and his benefit.

If you are angry about your ex - write about it - write him letters (you don't have to send them) and write sentence stems about him. Examine the sentence stems above and perhaps write some out first thing in the morning, perhaps one which will hep you unload bitterness and resentment about your ex, and one to start you thinking of how you are grateful for your current BF.

He WILL leave if things don't improve, even if he doesn't want to the emotional stress will become too much for him, let that be an incentive. I remained single for almost two and a half years after the relationship I mentioned above, the first 18 or so months weren't so good and I was angry and bitter, I lost a lot of the compassion I have always had for others and I acted like a bit of a cold hearted a-hole as I went around sticking it into anything with a pulse. I'm not proud of that period or of my behavior during it, and I'm glad I made it back to my old self.

As I said the stuff above worked for me, it worked for the guy who introduced me to it and it will work for you if you give it a try, you'll get out what you put in. There are also some good books called the six pillars of self esteem from which the sentence stems are 'borrowed'. If you're having trouble finding help reading through that book and doing the exercises will be a great start.

Gd luck, I'm here if you need me. x

[Km2982]

Yes, I did the sentence stems, It was good to put down on paper what I am grateful for, because you don't think about these things in everyday life.

Last night we were going out for a family meal and my boyfriend was late home from work, he'd done a 13 hour day in quite a physically demanding job, and he said he wasn't going to come. My initial thought was "Oh my god, I can't go without him" and in the past I would have had a go at him, called him miserable, compared him to my ex (who left me to do every social event we were invited to on my own) and it would have led to a huge argument. And I thought about those sentence stems and thought, 'Does it matter that I have to go on my own? My parents and my brother are there, his parents are there and my closest friend is there. I can go without him'. So I told him it wasn't a problem and I got him some dinner sorted and he stayed at home, watched a DVD, texted me to say he was going to bed and had an early night. And it was easy.
I know I'm not going to forget all this overnight but I'm happy with myself for not reacting in the way I normally do, and for it I got a nice big cuddle and kiss as he went to work this morning. Much better than falling out.

Before coming on here I wrote down why I was angry with my ex and the biggest thing I am angry for is I feel he wasted and abused what should have been the best years of my life, my 20's.
But then I've just thought about it, I should be grateful to him really because I wouldn't have all that I have now if he hadn't have.

I'm not going to write every tiny little detail of my day on here, but it is helping me so much to a) write things down, and b)get some advise from people who have been through this and especially a guy who has been through what I am doing with my boyfriend.

I have ordered the book, and I have found a counsellor who I am going to go see next week.
Feeling very positive again today
(I do work by the way, I don't just sit at home writing stuff down all day! I am a teacher so on leave for the summer. So while I have time on my hands, I'm going to try and sort my head out!)

Much love and thanks xxxxxxxx

[Km2982]

Yes, I did the sentence stems, It was good to put down on paper what I am grateful for, because you don't think about these things in everyday life.

Last night we were going out for a family meal and my boyfriend was late home from work, he'd done a 13 hour day in quite a physically demanding job, and he said he wasn't going to come. My initial thought was "Oh my god, I can't go without him" and in the past I would have had a go at him, called him miserable, compared him to my ex (who left me to do every social event we were invited to on my own) and it would have led to a huge argument. And I thought about those sentence stems and thought, 'Does it matter that I have to go on my own? My parents and my brother are there, his parents are there and my closest friend is there. I can go without him'. So I told him it wasn't a problem and I got him some dinner sorted and he stayed at home, watched a DVD, texted me to say he was going to bed and had an early night. And it was easy.
I know I'm not going to forget all this overnight but I'm happy with myself for not reacting in the way I normally do, and for it I got a nice big cuddle and kiss as he went to work this morning. Much better than falling out.

Before coming on here I wrote down why I was angry with my ex and the biggest thing I am angry for is I feel he wasted and abused what should have been the best years of my life, my 20's.
But then I've just thought about it, I should be grateful to him in some ways because I wouldn't have all that I have now if he hadn't have. I just wish I didn't have the emotional baggage to go with it.

I'm not going to write every tiny little detail of my day on here, but it is helping me so much to a) write things down, and b)get some advise from people who have been through this and especially a guy who has been through what I am doing with my boyfriend.

I have ordered the book, and I have found a counsellor who I am going to go see next week.
Feeling very positive again today
(I do work by the way, I don't just sit at home writing stuff down all day! I am a teacher so on leave for the summer. So while I have time on my hands, I'm going to try and sort my head out!)

Much love and thanks xxxxxxxx

[Hugo-B]

That's good to hear. I wasted a lot of time, and a lot of money - all my own fault - during my twenties, and I'm still playing catch up and paying the price for it. You live and learn.

Your twenties don't necessarily have to be the best years of your life (the most fun, maybe), whilst I have many fond memories of my two 'major' relationships, one which started in my late teens (finished early twenties) and one in my mid twenties (finished late twenties), there is obviously a lot I would have changed, and a lot of things I would have done differently; a lot of things I would have one that I didn't, and a lot of things I didn't do that I would have.

In all likeliness as you say you may not have met your current BF if it weren't for your ex and wouldn't be where you are now if it weren't for him. Cause and effect - from great darkness comes great light (sometimes LOL). I can promise you that once you overcome this you'll be a better, stronger, more enduring and more robust individual, and you'll realize many, many people (unfortunately) don't manage to recover from these kind of difficulties (I'm not being condescending BTW). Consider yourself lucky, you sound like you're half way there already, and have already made up your mind to beat this - good on you.

If you want to get back at your ex remember the best form of revenge is success. Don't let your ex ruin the opportunity you have, how would he feel if he saw you coming back from Spain (I think) because of him? Leave that sorry ********* son of a ******** to rot where he is.

We all have baggage and we all have scars in some way shape or form. No one is perfect and free from torment. You can tell a lot from the advice and criticism people give, often it makes their scars obvious (me being no exception) this isn't a criticism in itself, just an observation.

Having some form of baggage is nothing to be ashamed of, you didn't ask for it and weren't - as I wasn't - experienced enough in life and evolved enough as a person when you acquired it to be able to avoid it. Acknowledging you have baggage and attempting to do something about it is laudable, I hope you succeed where I failed, and I hope I've managed to help you save some time and avoid making some of my mistakes.

Re the sentence stems you can even write them out there and then (when you feel 'hot thoughts' emerging) if you feel the need, they only take 5 minutes: i.e., your BF texts to say he's staying out, subsequently you see red! So, you could write:

If I choose to react rationally...
If I don't factor my ex into this reaction I will...
If I consider how great my BF is I will...
If I let go of my ex my life will...
I will PM Buddhaboy a picture of myself topless to thank him for his help...

I think you get the idea. I'm glad this is helping, I honestly believe those sentence stems are more powerful than we realize, I'm not sure how they work but they seem to tap into the subconscious mind pretty effectively by invoking thoughts and feelings we may have not even considered and allow us to 'offload' the unwanted and 'upload' the wanted ones.

Thanks for keeping us updated.

x

[Km2982]

Ha ha!!

It is definitely my reactions that are causing the problems, I don't just start for no reason, it's certain things that trigger my insecurities and its exactly what Jns said about lessening my responses that I need to learn to control.

And you writing about my boyfriend saying about stopping out brings it all home a bit because he never does stop out. If he doesn't come straight home from work (which majority of the time he does), he'll go for a drink but will always ask me if I want to go meet him. It's only up until recently he has started doing more on his own because I'm ****ing him off. He has always wanted us to do things together and I should appreciate and embrace that, and take it as a compliment he wants to be with me.

This is all helping me so much!!!!!!