[Hugo-B]

You could try a sentence stem/s tailored to relate specifically to negative responses in that case.

If I think before I react aggressively...
If I choose to respond without anger I will...
My BF deserves me to show him respect because...

It's interesting when you say certain things trigger particular responses, one guy recently said calling his ex a 'good girl' set her off big time. I can't think of anything specifically that would trigger my ex off. I know simply an exchange of heated and angry words can 'set people off' especially who's parents where 'screamers' or who have been in abusive relationships. My ex would usually provoke me until I (eventually) lost my temper and that seemed to give her the 'drama fix' she'd been looking for.

In structural character analysis (something I'm not an expert in obviously but it's very interesting) they say the complete personality of a person consists of three ego states: the parental, the adult, and the child ego. Parental ego states which represent parents or parent figures; adult, which represents an ego state where you are thinking and acting independently of the child and adult ego state; and child or archaic ego states which represent still active ego states which became entrenched during childhood or earlier life.

It doesn't take an expert to see how dysfunctional parents can reap negative consequences on the the parent and child ego states. I would postulate (since you've mentioned nothing of parents or childhood) that certain social interactions i.e., arguments, sub conscious trigger words or situations are 'activating' the (negative) child/archaic ego state which became entrenched in your psyche during the relationship with your ex.

I have a friend who had a terribly violent upbringing and a very violent screamer of a father. I've seen first hand how people shouting at him instantly activate the 'parent state' in him in which he starts shouting and becomes very aggressive and violent. The child state of him is also very damaged and he'll often sedate himself with substances to bring out the natural child side of himself. The adult ego state of himself is actually very pleasant, when he can display it that is. This is one obvious example of seen of 'triggering' a specific ego state.

I'm getting out of my depth now, and can't offer you any more assistance on lessening reactions (though I hope this helps you understand what may be activating them) than doing sentence stems (I'd be on an ego trip, not in an ego state if I tried to do that!) So I hope the counselor helps, I'd be interested if you shared with us any techniques they suggest though.

I used to stay out to avoid my ex and go to work on weekends to get away from her and avoid carnage! Hopefully you'll be spending more time together soon. I suspected your BF staying out, as your ex did may have triggered 'hot thoughts' which is why I used the example. I'm glad your BF won't be picking up the tab for your ex any longer.

x

[Hugo-B]

That post above is annoying me now, I didn't structure it properly and ran out of editing time.

What I meant to say before I started rambling on LOL was that if you can identify what (expressions/situations et) is triggering you off those can be addressed with by specific sentence stems, and the reaction therefore can be too, perhaps alternatives can be explored via sentence stems, i.e., if I consider the consequences of shouting first I would... etc.

The therapist will obviously be more helpful and may well 'overrule' my advice (and rightly so if they see fit) but I'm glad this has effected a positive difference in just a couple of days. I use these sentence stems sometimes before bedtime when I'm stressed about something and need to 'unload it'.

[Km2982]

I understand what you are saying.

My parents have had no influence over my behaviour now, I had the best upbringing possible, which again is why I'm quite angry with my ex. I was always really easy going, I wasn't a problem teenager, I have always had really good relationships with my family. I couldn't have asked for anymore growing up.

However my ex husband was very aware of violence with his grandparents, and he also lost his father when he was 4 years old (he was in the police force and was shot while on duty) and I always remember his sister (my ex sister-in-law) saying that a doctor said at the time that he was old enough to be aware of the situation and would probably have problems later in life. Maybe this had a knock on effect to him and that is what made him so arrogant, abusive and angry?

His behaviour towards me changed me in so many ways I think I was unrecognisable to my parents and they are only just beginning to get me back. At high school I had no problems, I was level headed, rarely lost my cool and happy with life.
I feel now that I am angry all the time, I find fault in everyone, feel that people put on me all the time (I'm the idiot who can't say no!) and can be quite bitter about things, but again, I'm managing to control this at the moment.

I am still having a good week, still doing the sentence stems and am looking forward to reading the book. My boyfriend had yesterday off work and I spent most of the day with him. A couple of times he said things that nearly triggered me (completely innocent things to anyone else) , but I thought about the answers I wrote for the stems about him, and I calmed down, shrugged it off and got on with my day. It resulted in us spending some time together enjoying each other rather than arguing. I'm sure he's just waiting for the next kick off but at least he's letting me try, and I know for a fact I still have a very long way to go.

Writing things down is certainly helping me to deal with things, thank you.
xxx

[Hugo-B]

Hopefully there wont be too many 'next kick offs' LOL but I'm glad my advice has helped.

My childhood was just like yours, and I'm sorry to hear about your ex husband's, whilst this doesn't excuse his behavior it explains it: ignorance leads to intolerance, and acquiring an understanding of something is the first step when trying to overcome it.

I recommended these sentence stems to a couple of other people here in other threads, who I don't think tried them (there was no reason for them to, I don't blame them for disregarding my advice) but I'm very pleased you've taken this and ran with it; it's good to hear they've effected a positive change in just a few days.

Another thing with the writing if you want to take things a step further is to add to the sentence stems a daily introspection, where you could write something like... (and this doesn't have to be in sentence stem form, but can be if you prefer) These can just be a few sentences or an essay. I know time is obviously a factor but I think we're in agreement that prioritizing is key here and missing a few episodes of eastenders wont be a problem on the grand scheme of things.

You say this is working for you so just keep going!

Today I have learned:

Today I am grateful for:

When I look back on yesterday:

When I plan for tomorrow:

What I have learned today:

Setting a little target, like no tantrums in a week may be good (if you're don't think it's too ambitious) and ticking a box off each day as you work towards it will give you something tangible to work through as you progress through the week.

Have you told your BF what you're doing? It's quite personal so I don't think you should feel compelled to give him the details.

Has he commented on the improvement?

Good work x

[Km2982]

I haven't told him the ins and outs of everything, just that I had talked to someone who had been in his position and how it's helping me to see things from his point of view. He doesn't know about me writing things down.

He hasn't said anything verbally about an improvement but I just know from the way he is with me that he has noticed a difference. In the past few months he has kept me at 'arms length' so to speak (and I mean this in all aspects of our relationship) but this week we seem to have a little bit of the closeness back that we had when we first started going out, and this is also helping with my insecurities.
I think I'm finally beginning to realise that instead of demanding all of his time and attention, just be myself and deal with things, in the long run I'm going to get more of his time and attention without all the drama.

[Hugo-B]

If he didn't love you he wouldn't still be hanging around, it sounds like he's in this for the long haul and has already 'invested' a lot into this relationship (and as men know, women are like the stock market: no matter how heavily you invest there's no guarantee of a return LOL). In all fairness, from his perspective you behaving reasonably doesn't warrant praise; although the effort you have made doing this 'work' certainly does. Your biggest reward will be peace of mind, letting go of the past, and preventing it from contaminating your present relationship, which should begin blossoming again. That should be enough!

From what you've mentioned he doesn't have a 'throw away and start again' attitude, but there will likely need to be some degree of repair work carried out - you in the form of making this back up to him and re earning his love and trust, and him accepting your apology whilst not holding a grudge against you for your previous actions - sometimes in life we have to accept that we just have to 'take people as we find them'. He got his chance with you because your ex screwed up so bad.

The most frustrating thing for me was I used to take my ex to a very expensive therapist and when I collected her after each session the difference was unbelievable, but she started missing appointments, staying out after work drinking etc and soon stopped going altogether, so not only had I wasted my money but she regressed very quickly back to her old ways. For this reason (and I stuck with the sentence stems so I can't speak from experience on what happens when you stop) I would advise you to stick with this 'work' religiously until you're 100% confident you can stop or at least ease up. Spending a total of one hour a day when you have the time isn't excessive, whilst on busy days you can knock out ten sentence stems in a quarter of an hour.

I am very confident he'll want to spend more time with you once he knows he wont be 'getting it in the ear' at the drop of a pin and no longer needs to tip toe around you out of fear of verbal attack!

Do you have many interests outside of work and this relationship?

[Km2982]

You're right about his attitude, and I agree, I can't expect him to praise me for behaving like I did when he first met me, I should be able to do it naturally. It will take a lot to get back to where we were but my opinion is that he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be. He can't just forget the horrible things I've said or done to him, just like I can't with my ex. But I know that if I let this ruin this relationship, it will just ruin any future ones too. And I want to save this. It's also not fair to give him the emotional grief I have suffered, it's like I'm doing to him what my ex did to me (on a much lesser scale) and he's such a happy go lucky guy, will do a favour for anyone and everyone likes him. I don't want my behaviour to stop him being that kind of person.

The move to Spain has had a factor in things I suppose. I had a massive group of friends in the UK and it's very difficult to find honest genuine people my age here. Most of our socialising is with both of our families which I don't think is always a good thing.
I have friends from work who I go out with occasionally.
I also think that as I have so much free time on my hands as I am not back to work until mid septmember, I am bored, I am on my own a lot and am analysing things that I wouldn't probably think of if I was at work everyday. I am the kind of person who needs routine and something to get out of bed for, which I haven't had for the last 7 weeks. Got a cracking tan though!!

I should get some interests outside of our families and persue them on my own.

You should take up counselling, my head is much clearer talking to you and it's all for free!!!

[Hugo-B]

Thanks for the compliment; I was wondering whether you were on summer holidays since you said you were a teacher.

I think pursuing other interests will be good for you. Perhaps choose one physical pursuit like joining the gym or a running club or something; and choose one academic interest to pursue, this could be something you've always had an interest in or something which will help further your career. This will help build self esteem and confidence on a number of levels, including promoting good health and may even help you earn more money.

I know this sounds like a cliche' thing (but I agree with you that socializing with the family isn't always ideal) but perhaps arrange to go out together on a date each week so you get some alone time, even if it's just staying in together one night and both turning your phones off so you get some uninterrupted time alone.

You've mentioned nothing of your sex life with this guy, and that is obviously your personal business, I don't know how, if at all, your behavior has affected the sexual side of your relationship. I wont ask since it's not relevant to my advice. My ex always made sure I got everything I wanted and at several points in the relationship I think that was all that was keeping around, and at certain times that was barely enough. As woman I don't need to tell you that if you want to help make things up to this guy then making the effort to 'treat' him will likely go along way, especially when combined with your new and improved behavior.

I'll be very pleased if my advice to you in this thread has helped save this relationship, my ex would never and has still not proactively (or reactively) sought any help. I do hope you managed to succeed where we failed, It would be unfair on your BF to be left feeling bitter and cheated as I did the problem with people like your ex is that their behavior tends to have an insidious effect and ends up being 'passed on', the good news is that the cycle stops here!

x

[Km2982]

No, the only thing that has been consistantly good is our sex life, however I sound a little like your ex and have maybe used it to 'win him round' after having a row. I know that he will eventually tire of this though.

Still feeling good this week, spent a lot of time going out with other people instead of sitting on my own, still writing things down, and at the minute all is well. I still need to talk to a counsellor tho about the things my ex did. Although I've managed to put them to the back of my mind this week, I know they're still swimming around in my head somewhere.

[Hugo-B]

I thought that would be the case with the 'winning round'. Make up sex gets tiring after a while, so normal 'sex without a fight prior' is a breath of fresh air LOL.

I suspected my ex was sexually abused (amongst other issues, she got raped on holiday when she was 17 too) and I read a few books on counseling the victims of abuse and rape whilst we were together. As I said a 'proper' counselor will advise accordingly, but one of the things ALL of the books and counselors tell you to do is write a letter to the person they have the grievance with. I don't know what it is about writing but getting things out on paper has a healing value. I weave little anecdotes into my responses all the time and find it very therapeutic (I'm not totally benevolent LOL, there is something in this for me too).

What your ex did to you is obviously personal and it's not necessary to band it all over an internet forum, writing things like that down, writing a letter to your ex is likely going to invoke rather powerful repressed feelings so is something you should allow time to do on your own where you wont be interrupted. I remember reading a letter in one of the books I studied they'd printed a letter written by the partner of a victim (to the abuser) who has suffered diabolical sexual abuse throughout her childhood and ended up dying an untimely death from a heroin overdose whilst working as a prostitute - not comfortable reading. The victim has become a lesbian BTW, so the author of the letter was a female.

How many letters you write and what you do with them is entirely your choice and it may take a while before even the first draft comes to life. The reason you'll have so much trouble drafting the letter is because your thoughts are probably quite unclear.A well written letter has a beginning, a middle and an end. How will the letter end? Do you still hate him? Is he forgiven? What do you want to tell him? I think forgiving him will help you rid yourself of anger. He ruined ten years of your life, but lost his dad at the age of four. You still have yours, you weren't subjected to childhood of violent abuse. What would you rather have? who's position would you rather be in? There's no right or wrong answer but try and consider all of these things. A kind of 'emotional breakdown' (not like being hospitalized or anything or like a nervous breakdown don't worry) isn't uncommon during this stage due the stirring of emotions and memories upheaving all the repressed ones. I would try writing the first letter in the morning to minimize the risk of a 'bad night'.

'Hate' is a rather vague if not abstract expression. Writing will force you to articulate these thoughts and therefore put them into a tangible (and not abstract form) i.e. a letter.

As an addition to the 'work' perhaps start outlining a first draft, even if the letter is crude and poorly constructed. Even if it's just a list titled "I hate my ex because' (but thats just a 'C' LOL) in fact that may well be a good way to start. Do this BEFORE the sentence stems, which will elevate your mood.

x