[CHANDLERS WISH]

However my ex husband was very aware of violence with his grandparents, and he also lost his father when he was 4 years old (he was in the police force and was shot while on duty) and I always remember his sister (my ex sister-in-law) saying that a doctor said at the time that he was old enough to be aware of the situation and would probably have problems later in life. Maybe this had a knock on effect to him and that is what made him so arrogant, abusive and angry?

Absolutely, male or female, your childhood can affect how you "feel" emotionally and how you spread or don't spread that emotion. I would imagine, that all he experienced is all he knows and whilst he probably, mentally would be saying to himself " I won't be like that" the anger of not growing up with a Father figure and living still in that, would somehow make him like that.

You have to own up for yourself, have a serious discussion with yourself You were happy with your childhood, he didn't take that away, it belongs to you. You probably from the sounds of it have a lot of love inside and to give and maybe, you felt with your love you could make your ex happy, forget. It's not that simple. But, from your love, you stayed, remained and probably kept trying to make it a marriage. But, he didn't change and with emotional abuse, the aim is to make you feel that it's all your fault, you are to blame. With that, you start to change as naturally you are on a downer, negative, there is nothing bringing you up, or no one.. You remain.

The day you realised it's not all you or about you and what really was happening is the day you started to go back to who you were.

Yes, a person can control you to a degree but you have to take responsibility that you remained all that time, he didn't take that away, you weren't ready to see what he was doing earlier that's all.

If you can see all of that, then you can let it go and say, phew, I didn't waste my whole life, I'm with someone who treats me right, I'm happy, I'm back to who I was, "you didn't ruin me", "you didn't win" , "in-fact I feel sorry for you, my life is going places but you will always remain the same in your bubble, how sad".

Then there will be no anger because, you will have the understanding of what was and what is now.

[Km2982]

I am slowly but surely trying to realise this ^^

And you're right, I do have a lot of love to give. I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes it gets me hurt.

Things have been good for over a week now, I have still been writing things down and trying to vent out my feelings without hurling them at my boyfriend.

However, yesterday, my boyfriend had a really bad day at work. He came home in a horrendous mood and I just backed off and let him get on with it.
We went out for a meal with his family and the whole evening he spoke to everyone else and simply ignored me. I got one word answers whenever I asked him something and it made me feel really awkward. I ended up going home because it made me feel like it was personal, especially when I have been feeling so good about things.
When I asked him why he was taking it out on me he simply said "because you're the one thats with me." What the **** does that mean??!!
It's really upset me and I'm trying to let it go. He left for work this morning without giving me a kiss (which he never does) and when I called him out of the window and asked him why he was taking it all out on me he just said "stop being so silly".

In the past I'd have rung/text him and million times by now but I haven't, I've just left it.
I overheard him talking about what happened at work and I understand that he is angry. But I don't get why I have to suffer it? I feel like I've been knocked backwards after all the hard work I've done.

Am I being a little too sensitive? And why do people always take their s****t out on the people closest to them?

[Hugo-B]

If this is a one off, or unusual occurrence then I wouldn't worry. We all have bad days and he hasn't been doing sentence stems so isn't as in tune with his behavior and feelings as you now ;-)

I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier, or if I typed it out and then chose to delete it, but I haven't got time to go back and check as I'm off to work in a minute.
Your new change and improvement in behavior is likely going to change the dynamic of the relationship. This is good.
I haven't asked you to go into details about exactly how you've behaved towards your BF or for how long it went on, however, worst case is that he in turn (like I said this BS rolls downhill and gets passed on) is now a bit angry and resentful of the way he has been treated and has become more aware of your previous actions now he has had a chance to contrast it with your new improved temperament.
There MAY be some damage which consequently will requiring repairing. He may not be though, this could just be a pouting fit and he just wasn't looking forwards to going back to work. Alternatively he may just need a little time to adjust to the new you since he's used to going on the defensive every time something goes wrong.

I don't want to be too quick to jump to any conclusions here, see how he is when he gets home and good work on not harassing him at work, my ex used to do that ALL the time and I nearly smashed up several phones because of it.

[Km2982]

I did think that maybe he was turning the tables and 'giving me a taste of my own medicine' so to speak.

My initial reaction was to go **** for leather and have a real go at him, I was embarrassed more than anything that I was sat at a table with his family and he blatently ignored me. His mum did say to me tho that before we get together she got the brunt of his bad moods, and it didn't go unnoticed that he was in a foul mood.

My behaviour towards him has basically been as I was when we first met. We've had a laugh, I've not kicked off over little things, I have given him space when he needs it, I haven't harrassed him at work (which I had a tendancy to do in the past). And I know he's noticed it because up until yesterday he recipricated the behaviour. Even his twin brother (who came out here last week for a holiday) said to me yesterday that he'd not seen us this good in ages. He also said to me last night he'd not seen him in such a bad mood in a long time.

Maybe it was just a bad day and that was it, it's just my insecurities getting the better of me. However, the fact I have put this on here has stopped me from probably spending the day in tears and constantly bugging him over it. Which would only have made matters worse.

[Hugo-B]

You're doing well. In relationships we have to bare the brunt of people at their worst as well as their best. Even if things had gone swimmingly all along you'd both still have good days and bad days. Just like you probably didn't realize how bad your relationship with your ex actually was until you got away, your BF has contrasted your new behavior with your old and may now feel somewhat angry, bitter, and resentful, not to mention stupid that he put up with it. But he did all of that because he loves you and wants to be with you.

However your BF acts, just remember there is NO BENEFIT whatsoever to having massive fights with him. I think I'm (hopefully) preaching to the converted now when I say that. We all need time to re adjust and your BF is probably a bit confused (even if it is only subconsciously) about the new improved you. You didn't just walk away from your ex and revert back to your old self did you, you couldn't? Neither did I, it just doesn't work like that. Luckily the two of you are still together, I endured the worst break up of my dating life with my ex, your BF wont have to do that so hopefully he hasn't been anywhere nearly as badly affected as I was.

One thing you could try, since it doesn't seem entirely unreasonable for you to put in a bit of effort in to 'make things up to him' is perhaps try spoiling him a bit. Text him asking him to let you know when he's nearly home so you can run him a bath and little 'just so you know I care' gestures like that.

I know you've been doing lots of work lately that all consists of writing, and I'd suggest you keep it up (I think I mentioned that previously). Talking of writing, I think the next person on the mailing list needs to be your current BF. He needs to know how sorry you are, and how serious you are about staying with him etc, a letter is probably the best way to do this so you can consolidate your entire apology and explanation into one piece of writing. You need to explain to him that you are sorry and need his cooperation so the two of you can work through the rest of this and emerge out of it successfully as a stronger, happier couple.


I think he'll understand, he is still with you for a reason so remember that. I'd also suggest you try and set aside one night a week together which you can dedicate exclusively to the two of you.

x

[Km2982]

I know I haven´t written for a while, actually, nearly 2 months!

I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of september after getting extremely drunk and breaking something very sentimental of my bf´s after a kick off.

I was very lucky he didn´t leave me there and then, but it gave me a serious reality check, I have stopped drinking and have been seeing my therapist once a week and I feel great, our relationship is the best it´s ever been, we´re rock solid and I haven´t had a ´moment´since that in september.

My boyfriend says he´s got the girl he first fell in love with back!

[jns]

Glad to hear that you are doing better and your relationship with your bf has gotten better. Best wishes.