[elizabeth21]

I don't really know where too start with this. So I'm going to start with basics.
-I am 21 years old. The guy I'm talking about is also 21. We've known each nother 6 years.
- okay, so me and this guy have known each other since we were in the 8th grade. When we were like 15 we "dated ". We dated for like 2 months before I moved 8 hours away. I was heartbroken. I cried over this guy for a year. We still continued to talk over the years though. However months would go by when we wouldn't talk. Anyway we've both been there for each other over the years. Well... a few of months ago, 7 months, I came to visit and we met up. Just had dinner and talked. My car ended up messing up while I was here as well.he went to many extents to help me out. Well one night I had to leave my car at his house and some how one thing just led to another,sex. My emotions went nuts as did his. (He told me) well I went back home once my car was fixed and then a month later moved to the sane town as him. (My family is here) We then again met up and had sex. But we watched movies and stuff too. Then I didn't hear from him for a little bit and it kinda confused me. Because the sex wasn't just sex. It was powerful and meaningful. I've never had sex like that before. So when I confronted him that I was confused about our relationship h said he was afraid of getting in a relationship with me because he liked me an awful lot and if we were to break up he'd be heartbroken. He also went on to say that he doesn't think he could handle seeing me with anyone else. At this point I KINDA liked him. Nothing too in depth. So after like 3 months we talked again and decided that we really liked each other, but we just didmt think it would work out because we are two different people. But since we liked each other and were comfortable around each other, we decided to friends with benefits. I go over to his house, watch a movie, play video games thn well do it. afterwards we cuddle from an hour, he walks me to my car where, if its nice out, we'll sit outside all night long and just talk. At this point I guess you can guess that I like this guy more and more. I knew when I agreed to this that my feelings would get the best of me. But its bad now. Every day I find myself thinking about him or talking about him. I constantly want to know more about him. But idk how he feels towards me. I'm not sure of he feels obligated to b good to be because he did me wrong so many years ago. Or if he is just being a guy and only wants the sex. Idk what it is. I just know I find myself thinking about him so much more then usual and I guess my women emotions could be getting the best of me. But I dont know if I should talk to him or just leave it as is. I shouldn't have gotten in this situation to begin with.
He lives with his parents too. And he gets really upset when I don't talk to them before I leave. I just don't know what to think of all this. We are different, I agree. But to just stay friends seems too hard. And being friends with benefits is becoming too much. But I dont want to not have him in my life because that's hard too.

[Hugo-B]

When you say "he did wrong to me so many years ago" are you talking about him (feeling guilty for) breaking your heart when you moved 8 hours away? I'll assume so unless corrected.

It seems your 'woman emotions' already have the better of you (I love that expression, BTW). I don't want to sound harsh, but since you obviously like him already, you stand to either get hurt or have to cut him off anyway to protect yourself if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings, so I see this as a bit all or nothing, although there can be no guarantee the relationship will work of course.

I think this has the potential to become an epic love story.

If you believe him, that he does reciprocate your feelings and is ONLY afraid of being hurt then maybe he had a rough break up which has left him reluctant to commit and trust again? He may have admitted this or if not perhaps he is embarrassed to tell you? I doubt you've given each other full disclosure about your respective love lives during the years you've been apart. Of course this could be an excuse, and it could be him protecting himself since his heart may well have been broken when you two split up last time - that could be the bad break up still haunting him which he is loath to repeat.

Do you believe the ONLY obstacle between the two of you is that you're two different people, who are too different? If so, I'd say go for it - throw your cards on the table. I don't believe in all this opposites attract, or you need to have plenty on common - I believe in compatibility - because it's the most important thing in my opinion. There is truth that people of similar status, income brackets and ages seem to get together more, but I believe that this is because these things relate to compatibility. If the two of you are compatible - which it sounds like you are - sexually as well as psychologically, I'd be kicking myself if I didn't at least try - the gods love courage and defiance!

There is obviously something here if after three months apart you're both still feeling the same, and felt drawn back to each other. I think there's more to be lost here by not trying to make a go of things: you've got compatibility, a strong and long standing bond between each other, you were child-hood sweet hearts, and to top it all off, the sex is explosive! I'm a bit jealous of you!

Personally I see the biggest obstacle being how far apart you live. If the prospect of a long distance relationship doesn't bother you, or one or both of you are prepared to move that could be an alternative.

Of course you don't have to just phone him and declare your interest outright. One way of subtly and indirectly gauging his interest would be to invite him over to stay with you. You didn't mention him coming to visit you, if he's keen, interested, and a gentlemen he'll travel to you. If he's lazy or not interested he won't make the effort.

I wouldn't be able to not pursue this if I were you, but I would also be prepared to have to cut him off if he doesn't reciprocate. The two of you making an attempt at a relationship will require an element of a 'leap of faith' on both of your behalves.

Good luck! Please let us know how you get on!

[DreamP346]

You are already beyong a Friend-wth-benefits situation. What you describe sounds more like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Emotions are already involved. You are already beyong the point of not hurting each other. Its time to come out with your feelings and take the next step or end it.

[Hugo-B]

You are already beyong a Friend-wth-benefits situation. What you describe sounds more like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Emotions are already involved. You are already beyong the point of not hurting each other. Its time to come out with your feelings and take the next step or end it.

I could have just said this! I need a lesson in how to be laconic from SP346!

[elizabeth21]

When you say "he did wrong to me so many years ago" are you talking about him (feeling guilty for) breaking your heart when you moved 8 hours away? I'll assume so unless corrected.

It seems your 'woman emotions' already have the better of you (I love that expression, BTW). I don't want to sound harsh, but since you obviously like him already, you stand to either get hurt or have to cut him off anyway to protect yourself if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings, so I see this as a bit all or nothing, although there can be no guarantee the relationship will work of course.

I think this has the potential to become an epic love story.

If you believe him, that he does reciprocate your feelings and is ONLY afraid of being hurt then maybe he had a rough break up which has left him reluctant to commit and trust again? He may have admitted this or if not perhaps he is embarrassed to tell you? I doubt you've given each other full disclosure about your respective love lives during the years you've been apart. Of course this could be an excuse, and it could be him protecting himself since his heart may well have been broken when you two split up last time - that could be the bad break up still haunting him which he is loath to repeat.

Do you believe the ONLY obstacle between the two of you is that you're two different people, who are too different? If so, I'd say go for it - throw your cards on the table. I don't believe in all this opposites attract, or you need to have plenty on common - I believe in compatibility - because it's the most important thing in my opinion. There is truth that people of similar status, income brackets and ages seem to get together more, but I believe that this is because these things relate to compatibility. If the two of you are compatible - which it sounds like you are - sexually as well as psychologically, I'd be kicking myself if I didn't at least try - the gods love courage and defiance!

There is obviously something here if after three months apart you're both still feeling the same, and felt drawn back to each other. I think there's more to be lost here by not trying to make a go of things: you've got compatibility, a strong and long standing bond between each other, you were child-hood sweet hearts, and to top it all off, the sex is explosive! I'm a bit jealous of you!

Personally I see the biggest obstacle being how far apart you live. If the prospect of a long distance relationship doesn't bother you, or one or both of you are prepared to move that could be an alternative.

Of course you don't have to just phone him and declare your interest outright. One way of subtly and indirectly gauging his interest would be to invite him over to stay with you. You didn't mention him coming to visit you, if he's keen, interested, and a gentlemen he'll travel to you. If he's lazy or not interested he won't make the effort.

I wouldn't be able to not pursue this if I were you, but I would also be prepared to have to cut him off if he doesn't reciprocate. The two of you making an attempt at a relationship will require an element of a 'leap of faith' on both of your behalves.

Good luck! Please let us know how you get on!

When I readwhat you write. It all makes sense . We no longer live so far apart. We live in the same city now. You're right we have not discussed our past relationships. Imean we know of them, we just don't know the details. I want to believe that when h says he has feelings for me that he does. But I mean men are men. And I don't want to over think all of this into thinking he does like m. If that makes sense.

I don't exactly know if I have the strength to talk to him about this. It makes Mr weak at the knees and sick
To my stomach I'm not sure if I've gave him enough rim to rethink things or if I'm taking too long. We're both stubborn people. I don't believe in the opposites attract either I just believe if two people like each other they like each other. And I also know that when we spend tine together whether it be sexual or just hanging out at his house its so surreal. I just feel safe and happy and I feel all these feelings I've never felt before.

I'm just a very impatient person and when I want something I dive in head first. And I let my feelings get the best of me. I just don't want to screw any of this up. I'd like to do it the right way. But I guess there OS no right or wrong way. It just hurts to bite my tounge.

[notlikethenormal]

It just hurts to bite my tounge.

Then stop doing it. You dont have to come out and tell him you love him... maybe just talk to him about spending more time together. You dont have to say "we're boyfriend and girlfriend" ... I can see how that would probably scare the both of you. It seems pretty obvious that your already a couple... I mean the guy said "I don't want to see you with anyone else..."

Spend time together doing fun things, see a movie, hand out at the mall, go for ice cream... Maybe once you spend time together and just have fun those feelings will start to be undenyable.

[Hugo-B]

When I readwhat you write. It all makes sense . We no longer live so far apart. We live in the same city now. You're right we have not discussed our past relationships. Imean we know of them, we just don't know the details. I want to believe that when h says he has feelings for me that he does. But I mean men are men. And I don't want to over think all of this into thinking he does like m. If that makes sense.

I don't exactly know if I have the strength to talk to him about this. It makes Mr weak at the knees and sick
To my stomach I'm not sure if I've gave him enough rim to rethink things or if I'm taking too long. We're both stubborn people. I don't believe in the opposites attract either I just believe if two people like each other they like each other. And I also know that when we spend tine together whether it be sexual or just hanging out at his house its so surreal. I just feel safe and happy and I feel all these feelings I've never felt before.

I'm just a very impatient person and when I want something I dive in head first. And I let my feelings get the best of me. I just don't want to screw any of this up. I'd like to do it the right way. But I guess there OS no right or wrong way. It just hurts to bite my tounge.

I'm super impatient too! wouldn't normally recommend this, since it's a form of manipulation, but I've it work on several friends before and my GF kind of did it to me, too. Plus I've decided I really, really want you to get with this guy now.

Some men are scared more at the IDEA of a relationship or commitment, yet nearly all of us do it. You need to take initiative here and be proactive, many men will just take sex as it's offered to them, meaning if he keeps getting casual sex then he wont alter that arrangement - so you need to!

Just carry on as you are basically and let things 'fall' into more of a relationship. The fact he's said he can't see you with anyone else is a good sign I think he's give a bit more than he wanted to away there. I think 'easing' him into a relationship slowly is the key here. You can just start introducing small 'relationship' type of activities to your day, ask him to take you shopping, make an excuse and invite him to a party with your friends; it's the same concept as easing a person back into water once they've nearly drowned, before they know it they're swimming again! You could agree with a friend at the party that she could introduce you two as a couple, you know, say "this is Elizabeth's BF Mr. X". He'll soon come round to your way of thinking.

Do you two ever go out together in the evening for drinks or anything?

[elizabeth21]

See, thats the thing. He's took me to dinner and a movie before. He's went out to eat me with and I've hung out with him and hos friends. But lately he doesnt want to go out. He wants to stay in and watch a movie or hang around outside. I guess he's afraid of getting more involved? Or is just comfortable with just sex? I don't want to just give him the ultimatum(sp) of being together or not being together. I just want to come to an agreement that we're either going to go with the flow and let things fall into place or we're just going to remain friends with benefits.its hard for me to keep my thoughts, opinions, and feelings to myself. I want to share them with the person. I just feel like sharing them will run him off. So do I say something? Or do I just let things as they are and try inviting him places like you said? And if he doesn't want to hang out then talk to him or just let it be?

When he told me he didn't want to see me with anyone else I told him I didn't want that to be his only reason for deciding to be friends with benefits.

I feel like we're trying to be adults. But all of this just seems too confusing and childish. I wish he and I wasn't so stubborn and could just talk.

[Hugo-B]

He sounds a bit like me,, or more how I used to be: stubborn, likes staying in and watching films, apprehensive about relationships... I don't think we need to add anything more to this list...

They say ultimatums are what people with no options left give, and I agree, that should be a last resort. Time to pull out the big guns...

I don't think a direct approach will work AT ALL in this situation, not with this type of guy, he needs to be assisted so he thinks he's making the decision himself.

Imagine this guy harbored feelings for you, which hopefully he does - feelings of the same intensity as yours but it was the other way round - and he approached you and 'came on at full throttle'; right now you may think that would be a good thing, but my bet is that you'd run a mile! Eagerness to a member of the opposite sex is like plutonium to superman!, you need to pump the breaks and as much as I hate to say it, play the waiting game to a degree.

It's kinda like when a guy asks you to come home for 'a coffee', you both know it's for sex, but if he said: 'come back to mine for sex' you'd slap him. Well, this is, I think a comparable situation, If you ask him for the relationship outright now he'll likely get scared, so you need to ask him for coffee!

Next step I would try withholding 'the goods' a little, if you keep visiting him and offering yourself on tap he'll be less appreciative. Once he realizes he can't have everything his own way and on his own terms he'll soon have to raise his game and if not chase you, at least make some more effort.

One sneaky thing you could do (evil laugh - mwah hahahah) is ask him if the two of you could go out this Friday or Saturday night. If he says yes, great, tell him you want to go out just the two of you. Have a few drinks, men open up more and let their guard down when their relaxed and a bit tipsy. These kind of circumstances should help you break new ground and hopefully the conversation will move towards 'us'.

If this awkward son-of-a-goat-herder says no, and asks you to come over, then acquiesce and tell him you'll pop round just 'for a bit'.

Now onto the fun part: Turn up there dressed up and looking ready to go clubbing (only difficulty is his mum might see you which could be awkward so you wont be able to go too overboard) but the point is look hot(ter than normal), DON'T let him have sex with you but tell him you did ask him to take you but he said no so you're off out with the girls. Then go, leaving him alone and sexually frustrated. This will give him something to think about and some time to think.

DO NOT TEXT HIM LATER WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK if you really do go out. Leave him to suffer. In the morning put him out of his misery and text (if he doesn't text first, which he may not do out of stubbornness) asking if he wants to take you for lunch or something. I'll predict he'll answer in the affirmative.

Good luck x

[elizabeth21]

It's almost like you are this guy. Lol. You got it down to a T. The last time I talked to him was the 5th. I had went over late around 11 and left around 2am. I haven't heard from him since. I normally take the initiative talk to him first. But after the other night, I just got to thinking too much and wanted to get my thoughts together before I went any further. Normally we text everyday but for the past two days we haven't. And I'm kind of proud of myself. lol I think I am going to take your advice and put the brakes on a bit and just let things run it's course. Hopefully it won't be too late. the parents thing is kind of awkward. We haven't spoke since I was like 14. and when I go over to his house I say hi to his parents but it's very weird situation. I fell like they look at me as some girl that comes over to screw his son. So I also hope that will change over time as well. I really enjoy your advice. I'd like to stay in touch throughout this entire situation. lol. If thats okay with you