[Shelli]

I have been with my boyfriend a year and a half, and we live together. Early in our relationship he seemed reluctant to have sex, and blamed it on being "insecure." As time went on and we became more comfortable together, it didn't improve.
Over time I've tried "seducing" him, I've tried waiting for him to decide he wanted to have sex (sometimes over a month), I've tried dropping hints and finally I've flat out told him that sex is an important part of a relationship to me, and if he's not into me, we have problems.
He always assures me he's attracted to me, but nothing improves. I'm an extremely sexual person, and it's been hard to handle being with someone who simply has no interest.
Today I came home early from work to find him in the shower watching porn and taking care of himself.
I felt slapped in the face! Now mind you, I have no problem with porn or masturbation - in an otherwise healthy relationship. But when I've been feeling unwanted (by him - other men make it clear that I'm attractive, but I don't cheat), for over a year, I find it ultimately insulting that he'll do it himself watching others.
I have had concerns about this relationship because of this issue for a long time, but everything else is ok, so I've stayed in it. He and I are friends, we have fun together, we argue, but he's very receptive to my viewpoint even then. I enjoy being with him, but I've put my sexual needs on hold for him for this long only to find he's taking care of them in other ways.
I feel betrayed and like there's really no future for us.
Would you stay knowing this is all there is?

[Hugo-B]

Is he less experienced than you? My guess is yes. He could well find your confidence and experience intimidating.

[Hugo-B]

And no, I bet you are not ugly and I doubt your BF would be with you if he thought you were.

[Little]

There's always the possibility that he just doesn't value partner sex the same way as you - maybe he has hangups from religious or cultural ideas that sex is dirty - making him resent his sexual feelings. Maybe he thinks that partner sex is a pain in the butt - he has to wait around for you to get home, or he has to get you ready, or if you really want to get down to the crux of this possible attitude, he has to think about somebody other than himself to get off. It's much easier to just go to the internet and keep a tissue box handy. Maybe he's terrified that your birth control methods will fail and you'll get pregnant. Maybe he likes to keep you waiting and keep you under his thumb. Maybe he's insecure, like he said.

It could be any one of those, or all of them, or none of them. And if it's one of the more negative ones, he probably won't fess up to it.

I dated a guy like this in college - the relationship lasted significantly longer than it ought to have because it was long distance. He was always blaming his lack of sexual interest on one thing or another. At its core, it was a case of fatally mismatched interests.

I suggest you try to work with him on it - talking and picking his brain will be necessary for this. Maybe read some of the many, many threads from husbands and wives whose long-term partners are seriously lacking sexual interest. If it doesn't work out, though - if he doesn't compromise with you, rise towards your needs, or respect your dismay at his use of porn and masturbation when you're not satisfied - don't feel bad about walking away. This is a serious issue worth pursuing other people over.

[Shelli]

Thank you guys, it may be all of those things. I appreciate the feedback, and I think you're right, he needs to come up with some ideas about how to make this work, because I'm out.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think "intimacy" is highly important in a relationship.

Sometimes people just don't "marry" in that department one is wanting more than another.

Sometimes the signs are there at the beginning but people ignore them for all the other qualities that person has, or through fear of starting all over again.

It does sound like you are more friends than anything else.

It is not right in my opinion for a person to masterbate when he / she could have otherwise been intimate with his/her partner, if there is no sex going on.

This is a real problem. One that he may just be used to, or any of the reasons Little has come up with, or even that secretly he may be bi and not sure who he is..

Love equals being intimate with your partner, the bond that creates is what helps the relationship along in growth.

If there is no intimacy, there is not growth and friends appear....

Best wishes in what you decide to do.

[rcoreyus]

I have no problem with someone watching porn or masturbating when they do not have the opportunity to have sex with their partner. I do have a problem with someone who chooses porn / masturbation INSTEAD of being intimate with their partner.

I think you need to talk to him and find out why he is doing this.

[jns]

Unfortunately, in today's age, masturbating to porn is the way a lot of guys see sex. This is maybe more common for those who went through puberty with internet porn. These guys like the differences that women bring to their relationships, but they don't think sex is really part of it. After all, today's women can take care of themselves, also (rhetorically).

You need to talk to him about what you want from the relationship and maybe even show emotion (tears?) so he knows that you really mean it. Otherwise he may think that you are just being dramatic. He may not know what you are going through. If he is not willing to fulfill your needs on this, you need to ask yourself if you can live with this situation.