[Maxien78]

I'm lonely!
I am 34, have 4 children (only 2 of them at home with me) and a boyfriend of almost 7 years.

2 years ago I moved out of my home town where I was born and raised to go live with my boyfriend who I love. Things were OK for about 6 months but then I started to feel lonely, mostly because I had made no friends at all in my new area, and because the people I used to talk to about my problems were all 70 miles away.

Over the past 2 years things have gotten worse. I am on Prozac for depression now and I still feel lonely even though we moved home again closer to his friends and family. I know people here but not enough to trust them with my thoughts and feelings. I used to be able to talk to my boyfriend but he began to do the "I told you so" thing, not in a direct way but be it direct or in a round about way it is still the same thing. I speak with friends from back home via Facebook but he moans when I say anything bad about him, even if it's a little bit of a moan about the simplest of things like him not putting his empty beer cans in the recycle bin. I don't have anywhere I can vent, I don't have anyone I can vent to, or anyone to help me. I have in the past been so desperate I have posted on Facebook crying out for help from anybody and nobody bothers, even my closest friends from back home. It's like they only care about what I put on there when it is something funny or something for their gain, but when I'm crying out for help it's as if my posts are invisible. No one gives a s******.

One of the big things that is bothering me and really upsetting me is the marriage thing. Not leap year gone, but the one before that, I asked him to marry me. He said yes but wanted to do it properly with a ring etc and he wanted to ask me. BUT I am still waiting. I have raised the subject a few times and he either dodges the subject, turns it into a joke or gets annoyed. Over the past year I have mentioned it a couple of times but he gets angry about it BUT he then goes on to say he will ask but when he's ready.... I have resided on the fact that he never will ask. Saying the word marriage, married, wedding, engaged or anything to do with that subject is somehow against the rules, he gets angry. I can't even watch shows on TV such as "Don't tell the bride" because he gets annoyed, that the show is putting ideas into my head etc. Don't get me wrong he isn't a bad guy, he is one of the good guys.

Marriage is important to me and it IS a deal breaker. If he doesn't want to marry me or never plans to ever marry then I want to know now so I can make the choice of whether to stay or leave him. I don't want to give all my time, love and effort to him to find that he doesn't want to marry me. Yes some people say that marriage isn't a big thing and some will brush it off like it's not that important, but to me it is. I am NOT going to continue to give him every single benefit of a marriage if he isn't willing to take that step to actually get married.

His refusal to talk about this and the fact he hasn't asked me yet is really upsetting me. I feel used, I don't feel good enough, I feel like I've wasted 7 of my best years on him, I feel like I am one of his stepping stones he has to tread on in order for him to get to the person he DOES want to marry.

I can now feel myself pulling away from him to try and prevent myself from getting hurt. Sex is none existent anymore and he doesn't seem to be bothered about it. I find that I can't hug or kiss him anymore because I have started to build a wall between us ready for when he dumps me or finally tells me that he doesn't want to marry me. I know this is a silly thing to do because I know that my pulling away will ultimately cause us to break up, but I can't help it, it's my defense mechanism.

Last night the subject came up again but again it was turned into a joke, so I finally told him that "some people won't wait around for you to make up your mind" his words were "oh well"....I then tried to tell him how it's making me feel, like I'm being used, that I'm not good enough etc, but he quickly turned back to his PC and changed the subject to something on his PC screen.

I worry about our relationship constantly! I find I'm becoming more and more depressed over it but he doesn't seem to worry at all. He is going through life all happy as Larry. I can't talk with him about any of this because he will shrug it off or get mad or just forget about it the next day like he always does. So I always end up in my bedroom searching the internet for stories similar to mine to try and find solutions.

I'm sick of crying about it now. I'm not happy anymore. I want to leave but I can't because I am tied into a lease in our house until June 2013, so I still have another 9 months to wait. PLUS if I leave where do I go? I don't know anyone in this area enough to trust. Where would I put all my furniture? pretty much everything in the house is mine.

I'm just stuck! and stuck on what to do and where to go from here. I don't think it's fair on me to live like this and it's certainly not healthy but a part of me still has a little bit of hope that he will ask me. My head feels messed up. I have all these emotions trapped inside and my head is full of all of this stuff and more and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm losing who I am, I don't know who I am anymore and it's all because of this one little thing.

Marriage is extremely important to me and he knew that from the beginning, but it's clearly not important to him and he clearly doesn't care about my feelings enough to tell me straight that he does or doesn't want to marry me.

Oh well...Rant over....It's not like this is gonna do me any good. I will continue to go on as I am, worrying and crying over it.....9 months and counting! That's the time limit he has!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum Max.

You know, sometimes people just can't take on someone elses woes, they have so much going on in their life and it drains them. It doesn't mean that you are not their friend, just a choice of " I can't deal with this right now", a personal reason of their own. So, please don't take it the wrong way.

What you have is us.. Here. You can vent away when ever you want to and you never know there maybe some advice that you can think, "oh, yeah" that will also help you.

I think 7 years is too long, to not "know" that both people feel that they could not live without each other and that's the key.. It's not about "settling" it's about knowing that person is "it"...

I also think that maybe, the last 2 years has gotten worse for you, without friends, feeling down and the marriage thing has added to that, now no sex, no hugs.. It's a train wreck waiting to happen.

Before marriage can even be a consideration, you need to tell yourself you are smart, beautiful, desired and loved and re-build your relationship over those nine months, get out there and make friends, find hobbies, smile, laugh, be you....

A loveless, sexless, marriage is not a marriage it's a ring on a finger and it's not going to stop your depression if you go down that path.

Depression often comes from lonliness what are you going to do about it? You deserve to be happy.

[JonDoe]

He is going through life all happy as Larry.

Some people truly see life through rose colored glasses and can find the best in most situations. If more of us were capable of this perhaps the world would be a better place. Is it possible this is actually a good quality of your boyfriend? What are his other good qualities that make you want to marry him?

I don't think that I'm going out on a limb to suggest that he has some concerns about your relationship as well. Relationships are tough and no wedding ceremony or ring is going to miraculously solve the problems. In my opinion, it would be a big mistake for you two to get married before resolving the issues in your relationship first. That should be the first priority, not planning a wedding and honeymoon.

If he is not willing to work at the relationship then ask him to leave. However, in my opinion, based on reading your original post, I think you are better off being a little selfish first. Let him stay for now, as long as he helps pay the rent, bills, and utilities, and helps with your kids (I'm assuming they are yours because you didn't say "we have four kids" and only two of them are at home with you), and work on yourself. You need to be in a better place before making such a drastic leap forward. Excerise, find a job if you are not already working, get out meet new people, make friends, find a hobby, start enjoying life.

Speaking of kids. How is he with your kids? Does he fill a parental role? Does he have kids of his own? Does he help provide and care for them? If so, I'd say he has made a huge commitment already. If not, he is not marriage material for a women with four children. There are plenty of people (men and women) that would not be willing to enter into a long-term relationship with someone that has four children. However, you have been together 7 years already, which is longer than most marriages last.

Bottomline, if neither of you are happy in this relationship, marriage is not the solution.

[jns]

I don't see how this relationship can last for many reasons, but the greatest is that he is not willing to give you that which you want the most even though it has been 7 years. A guy who was interested in marriage would have not waited 7 years.

[JonDoe]

I don't see how this relationship can last for many reasons, but the greatest is that he is not willing to give you that which you want the most even though it has been 7 years. A guy who was interested in marriage would have not waited 7 years.

I tend to disagree in this situation, based on the information we know thus far. Maxien said he has been her boyfriend of almost 7 years, but made no mention of when they both agreed to be exclusive. She also indicated they have been living together for 2 years, and he wants to ask her to marry him when he is ready and can buy her a ring. For all we know he is saving for the ring and wedding, although I agree that is unlikely given the rest of the circumstances, but we don't know for sure. So let's not pretend the boyfriend's intentions or lack thereof is the greatest or primary issue.

2 years ago I moved out of my home town where I was born and raised to go live with my boyfriend who I love. Things were OK for about 6 months but then I started to feel lonely, mostly because I had made no friends at all in my new area, and because the people I used to talk to about my problems were all 70 miles away.

Over the past 2 years things have gotten worse. I am on Prozac for depression now and I still feel lonely even though we moved home again closer to his friends and family. I know people here but not enough to trust them with my thoughts and feelings.

Maxien pinpoints the real source of the problem. She became homesick within 6 months of moving away from friends and family, then became lonely and depressed, but hasn't been able to resolve this on her own or with medication. She still feels lonely and depressed even though they moved home again. Now she is witholding sex and building a wall between them. That's certaintly not going to put a wedding ring on anyone's finger.

I am 34, have 4 children (only 2 of them at home with me) and a boyfriend of almost 7 years.

Maxien has four kids, two of which do not live at home, which potentially means there are dynamics to the relationship with children and 1 or more exes that go beyond our understanding, which could be an important part of the equation. How many of the children will the boyfriend have to support if he decides to marry Maxien? How many of Maxien's children does the boyfriend already support? Does the father or fathers of the children pay child support and alimony? I believe in most cases alimony goes away when the spouse remarries, but I'm not a lawyer so I could be wrong. Does the boyfriend have any kids of his own that he has a parental and financial obligation to support?

Marriage is a huge committment, which believe it or not some people view as a life-long comittment - until death do us part, not until this doesn't suit me anymore.

Bottmline, we have to be happy and love ourselves before others can truly love us back.

[jns]

One of the big things that is bothering me and really upsetting me is the marriage thing. Not leap year gone, but the one before that, I asked him to marry me. He said yes but wanted to do it properly with a ring etc and he wanted to ask me. BUT I am still waiting. I have raised the subject a few times and he either dodges the subject, turns it into a joke or gets annoyed. Over the past year I have mentioned it a couple of times but he gets angry about it BUT he then goes on to say he will ask but when he's ready.... I have resided on the fact that he never will ask. Saying the word marriage, married, wedding, engaged or anything to do with that subject is somehow against the rules, he gets angry. I can't even watch shows on TV such as "Don't tell the bride" because he gets annoyed, that the show is putting ideas into my head etc.

I don't see how this relationship can last for many reasons, but the greatest is that he is not willing to give you that which you want the most even though it has been 7 years. A guy who was interested in marriage would have not waited 7 years.

I tend to disagree in this situation, based on the information we know thus far. Maxien said he has been her boyfriend of almost 7 years, but made no mention of when they both agreed to be exclusive. She also indicated they have been living together for 2 years, and he wants to ask her to marry him when he is ready and can buy her a ring. For all we know he is saving for the ring and wedding, although I agree that is unlikely given the rest of the circumstances, but we don't know for sure. So let's not pretend the boyfriend's intentions or lack thereof is the greatest or primary issue.

I stand by what I said.

[Stillness]

You say he used you, but how is he using you in a way that you aren't using him? I don't get that part. What I think I get is this:

Problem 1: You say marriage is important to you. Typically people who have a marriage-centric view of relationships don't shack up. Where I'm from they call it "playing house." The implication being that you're doing the things that are involved with building a home and a family, but without the commitment that comes along with marriage. What happens with people who shack up is that they tend get divorced more frequently if they ever get married. That's a fact. Line your views and your actions up and stop shacking up. ASAP. Do whatever you can but get out and don't do it again. This is also going to help with problem 2…

Problem 2: You asked him to marry you. That's "improper" according to him. Every time you bring it up it's having the reverse of the affect you want it to have and putting another nail in the coffin of your prospects of ever marrying this gentleman. Stop.

He wants to do the asking, but you've given an open invitation, so he can't. If he tried, he'd just be accepting your proposal, which is improper. So when you say, "Some people won't wait around for you to make up your mind," his, "Oh well" is because he's already told you that's the man's role and you're just reminding him that you've supplanted him as the man. Nine months won't change that. How do you let him be the man and pursue you?

Revoke the proposal and leave him. Maybe even say it. "You remember when I asked you to marry me? I revoke the offer. And I will be leaving this situation as soon as I can." Use some other words, but it has to be official. This is an rite of manhood you've messed with. Some guys are cool with it. Yours is not one of them. And you've got to mean it, Maxien. You've got to mean it so much that if he asks you to marry him on the spot you'd have to think about it.

If he doesn't chase you let it go. I wouldn't waste another 9 months if at all humanly possible. Where I'm from I believe the law requires a tenant to pay what is deemed reasonable for the landlord to find another tenant. That may mean 1-3 months. Find out. Explore your options and weigh those costs with 9 months that will realistically end with you unengaged and having to find someplace to live. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

[jns]

Great explanation, Stillness. My wife asked me because I was being a bit slow.

[Stillness]

My wife asked me because I was being a bit slow.

Out of curiosity, how did that make you feel?

[jns]

Great! I probably would have put it off a while and I'm glad we got that out of the way. By her asking I had no chance of being rejected.