[JonDoe]

If you ask your spouse a relationship question and she doesn't want to talk about it at that moment, what is a reasonable time to wait before expecting to talk as a couple? Is three days too soon? Who should be the one to reinitiate the conversation?

I'm guessing most might suggest that it depends on several factors such as the topic and the couple's schedule, so I'll go into a little more detail.

The other night I asked my wife why she turns out the light after reading then rolls over to go to sleep without saying good night or giving me a kiss. If the situation was reversed, I would at least say goodnight and give her a kiss, but I generally put down what I'm reading before she does and the light is on her side of the bed. I've tried a few times to hold her hand or put my arm around her and she doesn't like that either.

We just started sleeping in the same bed about 2 months ago after many years of sleeping in separate beds, so I waited a while before saying anything since she indicated it would take time getting used to sleeping in the same bed again. When I asked her why she kissed the dogs then turned out the light and rolled over to go to sleep, but didn't kiss me, she immediately got defensive and said she was tired and just wanted to go to sleep, after trying for a simple answer or at least an acknowledgment, I simply said "OK, we can talk about it this weekend when you are rested and ready."

Three days have passed and not a word about it from her. When I brought it up tonight, she still didn't want to talk about. But as I was trying to help her understand my point of view, she looked at me like I was crazy when I said "I'd like to hold you for a few minutes before going to sleep." One or both dogs, which are 80lbs each, lay right up against her, but the idea of spooning with me for a few minutes is a foolish idea. Personally, I don't want the dogs in bed, but I comprise, perhaps too much.

WTF? Am I expecting too much? Am I crazy and just don't know it?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sleeping in seperate beds for a period of time and then changing that back, to being together, doesn't make the "togetherness" , togetherness if you understand what I mean.

Like she said it takes time.

Your best best would be, to just once off, stroke the side of her head and say, good night and go to sleep.. Another time, just on the shoulder and do the same.

She has to feel "comfortable" and a kiss leads to sex in a womans mind and not only that, if she has some distaste from the past with your relationship, she may not be ready either to show affection as that has to be earnt back and obviously there are issues between the pair of you that you are still addressing.

I understand it's hurtful. And, I understand she obviously still has love or else she wouldn't be giving it all to the dogs.

I also understand that I probably have to go back and read your threads as I haven't spent as much time on here as I would like to, used to, to get a better picture but as a woman, I know how it feels when you are not in the right place with your husband.

[JonDoe]

We have been having sex, and she is making some effort on that front. I was asking for non-sexual intimacy too. In fact, my question was in the first paragraph. The other paragraphs were added just to set the context.

Despite our talk, it was no different tonight, except she masturbated in bed next to me twice tonight when she thought I was sleeping. Back to her selfish ways I guess.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Do you have "sex" or really work it, both of you?

Would she do it with you? During sex.

This must be frustrating for you, her "non communication".

For the new members and because it's 2010 when you joined, maybe you should just re-cap, a little from then to now, from bad to better.

I admire you for trying to save all of this. I wonder why she isn't making more of an effort.

[JonDoe]

Do you have "sex" or really work it, both of you?

I'm not sure I fully know what you are asking. I don't want to assume.

If you are asking whether I simply do the old wham, bam, thank you ma'am routine, the answer is no, definitely not. I am very attentive to her sexual needs and trying to help her be the same with me, but that is going to take a great deal of time and patience.

If you ask your spouse a relationship question and she doesn't want to talk about it at that moment, what is a reasonable time to wait before expecting to talk as a couple? Is three days too soon? Who should be the one to reinitiate the conversation?

I'm actually more curious about my original question. My wife has a habit of not wanting to talk about almost anything involving our relationship, sex or finances. It's never a good time. Mornings aren't good, evenings aren't good, neither is after work, before during or after dinner, and weekends are for relaxing so not good either. She can read for an hour or more per day and spend an equal amount of time on Facebook and the phone talking with girlfriends, but can't find or make the time to discuss something that is important to me and our relationship.

I think if your spouse comes to you with a question or shares something he feels is important and on his mind, then you owe it to him and the relationship to at least acknowledge his feelings and make time within the next few days to talk in a constructive and compassionate way without being defensive. Otherwise the relationship suffers and no forward progress is made.

I'm curious what others think.

[KMonte85]

Avoidance is what I'm reading here. It's never a good time to talk about something you don't want to. She doesn't want to talk about it and therefore, it will never be a good time, and "later" will not happen. Your situation (wife not talking with you) has nothing to do with timing.

I wholeheartedly agree that communication is crucial in a healthy relationship. If a partner has something important they want to discuss, it is the responsibility of the other partner to listen. However, that doesn't give the person with the problem the right to attack/belittle/blame/embarrass the other. I'm not saying you're doing this, but I am saying be conscious and careful of how you use your words so as not to put your already conversation-avoiding wife on the defense.

[DreamP346]

Have you tried scheduling a time? Set up an appointment with your wife to talk about your relationship? This way she can't use an excuse when the time comes. Maybe send the kids to grandparents or something like that to ensure nothing will interupt. It really sounds like she is just trying to avoid the conversation. Personally (and this is just me) I think all issues need to be discussed right away because when you wait, you forget things, ignore things and often, life just gets in the way. But each person has their own communication style. What is your wife's style? Does she like talking, writing out feelings, etc?

[JonDoe]

Have you tried scheduling a time? Set up an appointment with your wife to talk about your relationship? This way she can't use an excuse when the time comes. Maybe send the kids to grandparents or something like that to ensure nothing will interupt. It really sounds like she is just trying to avoid the conversation. Personally (and this is just me) I think all issues need to be discussed right away because when you wait, you forget things, ignore things and often, life just gets in the way. But each person has their own communication style. What is your wife's style? Does she like talking, writing out feelings, etc?

I've tried so many things it makes me crazy just thinking about it. I agree that issues need to be discussed right away. At the very least, acknowledge your partners feelings and set aside time to talk later that day or the next day, if possible. In this specific case I would have been fine if she just acknowledged my feelings and agreed to work at it together, which could have been a 2 minute discussion.

You are correct, she try's to avoid the conversation. I wrote another post recently that really sums it up.

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/relationships/52840-communication-breakdowns-breakthroughs.html

[Hugo-B]

Jon, no offense here, and I don't mean to be harsh, but may I ask: would you have left your wife if it weren't for your children?

I don't think I could tolerate that kind of behavior, I'm actually quite intolerant now since I've put up with so much ******** from women in the past, but expecting a cuddle from your wife is not unreasonable by anyone's standards.

I do really hope you get this worked out, don't get me wrong, it's just I think I'd have given her an ultimatum sometime ago now, make an effort or leave.

I do empathize with people with problems, but she seems to be refusing to make any real effort whatsoever here, to the point where you're deprived of basic affection, I also think her behavior towards you is rather insulting and disrespectful.

Unless there's something you're not telling us (and I don't think there is) you really deserve better than this. All the time you spend waiting around for her to change, you'll never get back, just keep that in mind.

[JonDoe]

Jon, no offense here, and I don't mean to be harsh, but may I ask: would you have left your wife if it weren't for your children?

Most likely, yes. Probably as much as a decade ago. I didn't realize until a few months ago that I was numb and on autopilot for at least the past five years, probably longer. Some days I find myself slipping, but only for a day or two. That is no way to live so I remind myself daily.

I don't think I could tolerate that kind of behavior, I'm actually quite intolerant now since I've put up with so much **************** from women in the past, but expecting a cuddle from your wife is not unreasonable by anyone's standards.

I totally agree. That is why I was so baffled at how much energy was wasted between the two of us on such a basic request.

I do really hope you get this worked out, don't get me wrong, it's just I think I'd have given her an ultimatum sometime ago now, make an effort or leave.

I realize now that I waited far too long. I gave her an ulitmatium about 2 months ago, when I told her that "I can't and won't continue to live like this. We either move forward together or move forward apart." I was specific on a few needs, but perhaps I should have set a date and provided list of criteria, but after giving it some thought that seemed like a train wreck in the making.

I do empathize with people with problems, but she seems to be refusing to make any real effort whatsoever here, to the point where you're deprived of basic affection, I also think her behavior towards you is rather insulting and disrespectful.

She has made some effort. We are sleeping in the same bed, we are having sex and she is trying to be less selfish in bed, but we still have a long way to go. I have been deprived of basic affection for such a long time that I had lowered my expectations to the point of almost nil over the years, but now that I am working towards a better place, I find it extremely frustrating, and as you said, insulting and disresptectful that she keeps putting up walls and reacting like this.

Unless there's something you're not telling us (and I don't think there is) you really deserve better than this. All the time you spend waiting around for her to change, you'll never get back, just keep that in mind.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit to fighting resentment over so many wasted years.