[SunStar]

I met a man who claims to be in love with me. We were never in a relationship but we had this amazing connection and a great time together that even after he moved away, he has been keeping in contact with me and telling me that he loves me. He told me that he doesn't care if I am with other men or date anyone else because he knows some day we will be able to be together again, and that he hopes that some day I will love him as much as he loves me.
I do care about him...quite a bit.

So this is how the story goes:
Right after he moved away, he didn't contact me for a while. I thought he had forgotten about me so I, in a sense, moved on. I was reconnected by chance with someone who I was somewhat seeing in the past. We ended up getting into a relationship. Not long after, man #1 contacted me again. He's been begging me to come visit, he offered to pay my ticket and everything. I feel bad to say no, because he's been in a tough spot for a while now and I feel like he needs my support since I'm one of the few people he trusts. But I feel if I go, it will make me into a cheater. I don't want to hurt man #2... he's so good to me, so considerate of me... I care about him too, and I've become attached to him...

I care for them equally.

Then there's my best friend. The man who has always been there for me, who I trust with my life. He confessed that he's been in love with me and he doesn't want to hear about my romances anymore, doesn't want to give me advice anymore, because it hurts him too much.
I don't think I see him in that way, but I cannot bear to lose him...

Lets face it, I'm a big ol mess and I have no Idea, absolutely no idea what I'm doing or what the hell I'm should do, or what is going to happen.

Please don't judge me, I don't know what to do, but I really don't want to hurt anyone... and I have no one to turn to for advice.

What do you all think about this situation? What would you do? Ever been involved in anything like this?

Thank you for any advice you can give me.

[Hugo-B]

The first thing I'm thinking is you're pretty hot, and one of those women who seem to always have men 'orbiting' around her, since there are three men in love with you, although that's irrelevant, it's just something that sprang to mind.

I also won't judge you, as the bible says,'let the man free of sin cast the first stone...' well I'm not free of sin so they'll be no stone casting from me, but I will give you my opinion and not my doubts. Tell me off if I'm wrong because I'm going to do some extrapolating here...

Firstly, if your best friend really is your best friend - as in you consider him to be your best friend - i would give him some space and let him move on with his own love life, since he doesn't view you as his best friend, he's likely hanging on hoping one day something will 'happen' between the two of you. I can see his frustration is already manifest since he's already refused to be used as an emotional tampon by you any longer, having to listen to all of your love life related problems. I'll also bet that whilst he listened to you and offered you plenty of (probably good) advice you ignored most of it and did what you wanted anyway, hence his frustration and refusal to listen anymore.

I'll bet he hasn't got a GF either? If you care about him do the guy a favor and boost his confidence by telling him what a catch he is, how much you appreciate what he's done for you, and trying to set him up with a few female friends or something, or maybe writing him a profile on 'my single friend' dot com.

Now onto man number one and two: You do not profess to actually love either of these two guys, you do sound confused and more concerned about what they think of you rather than vice versa. My experience is that - especially if you start messing around with 'man 1' again - you'll end up with neither; however, if you do not actually love either of them - and if you're not sure if you do or you don't - then you don't, you shouldn't really be 'tangling' yourself up with either of them. The guy who moved away will no doubt manage to work through his problems without your assistance, I'm sure he's a big boy, and the guy your seeing now who you've "become attracted to" probably likes you a lot more than you like him and deserves to know where he stands.

It sounds to me like you're a bit confused, and have got yourself mixed up in a bit of a love triangle here. This doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, these things can and do just seem to happen. What does make you a bad person is misleading and deceiving people, and putting your own needs and wants before their feelings.

I think you need to sit down and have a good think about what you want from a partner, and a relationship, and exactly what sort of man you want, then ask yourself why. I think you would benefit from a spell of voluntary celibacy and singleness. I know this is harder for women than men since you can't stop men approaching you and asking you out, or masquerading as your friends when they want more but I'm sure you can find a way. Use this time to clear your head and make space in your life for the 'right' sort of person, so when you meet him you'll have no 'loose ties' with anyone else.

[SunStar]

I read your reply a couple days ago and I want to say thank you for your advice, and for sharing your experience with me.
After sitting around with the thought in my head, I realized that the man that I'm currently dating is the man that I should really be focusing on. He wants something serious and long term with me and I want to make sure that I put my best forth because I know he is too, and he shows it to me everyday.

I had a talk with my best friend, and we agreed to stay friends, but of course there will be no more talk about relationships. Just friend stuff because we've been friends for too long to let it all go.
And the other man... you're right... I can't always be expected to be taking care of him, especially since what we had is gone, but I will not stop being his friend because I do care for his well-being and if he needs my help it will always be there.

But I do know now, that the man I am with now gives me wonderful attention and care and I am very very happy, and you're right... I'll end up with no one if I don't get things all cleared up.


Thanks again for your reply, I really appreciate it.

[Hugo-B]

No problem, I wondered where you had gone. Men can be a pain in back-side can't they?

[SunStar]

Oh, no I'm still here. I just needed to think about it for a bit. And I think it goes both ways, but for now I'm with a man that makes me a very happy woman. haha.

[Hugo-B]

Good, just remember to remember which side your bread is buttered