[Guest]

So I don't know where to start off. I guess I should start by saying that I love my girlfriend a lot and that she has stuck through so much with me. But the problem is, ever since the beginning, we've been having fights over the same problem. This is a basic breakdown.

I lost my virginity to her. That's all great and all, but the thing is, she had intercourse with one other guy before we knew each other, and then did anything BUT with other guys she's dated. I never even went anywhere close to that with other girls, I only made out with other girls. So this is a problem because... I'm not so jealous of it and she doesn't EVER bring it up, but I am just disgusted about her past and what she did before with guys.

She lives about 30 minutes away and goes to a different school, so trust issues are also a problem, but not as much as this. I only get to see her 1-3 times a month, and I'm okay with it. After I see her, things go great. But then as time passes and I don't see her, these memories of her past keep coming into my head and I go from loving her so much, to hating her, which results in a cycle of: seeing her, being happy for a while, hating her for this, fighting, makeup, seeing her again, and it continues... I physically and mentally get sick from thinking all this, to the point where I decided to ask for help (here). Is there any way I can forget about this or hear something to help me move on? The only advice I get from my friends is "break up with her and hook up with girls for experience before settling down." From one side, this seems like a great idea, but from the other side, my girlfriend and I have been through so much together and she is basically the "perfect girlfriend" in my eyes, besides this ONE detail about her, so it's not really worth dropping the relationship. And other friends tell me that "it's the past, so just leave it behind and enjoy the time with her NOW". I completely understand this point and take that advice, but it doesn't prevent the memories from coming back. I'm begging anyone for help on this subject, because those thoughts make me depressed, weak, suicidal, ect... I don't want to feel like this and I just want someone to talk me through it :/

For anyone that at least ATTEMPTS to help me in a way others don't, I will forever be in your debt. Thank you so much.

[jns]

I have never taken a girl's virginity. To me it does not matter what her past was, only that she is with me now and that she loves me. You need to get to that point in your life, so you can handle what is usually the case.

My suggestion is that it is a psychological problem and it should be handled like a psychological problem. I would search out a psychologist or psychiatrist to work on lessening your response to her not being a virgin. Everything about her sounds perfect, so you have to move beyond your current frame of mind. You should not feel disgusted that she has a past. Maybe it is your own internal form of Aesop's "Sour Grapes" due to the times of separation.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You should firstly be proud of her "anything but" means she kept herself until "she" was ready.. And, that's the bottom line, it's her body, her life and you have entered it, in a relationship... Which also means you are special to her or else you wouldn't be there.

You need to realise the above, women do not deserve labels based on stupidity of expectations of being a virgin for "you" Meaning, are we supposed to know that the first guy we thought was "it" isn't? It's not that simple, it really isn't.. Life is about mistakes if she made one, but it's also about learning and it's also about being free enough to be yourself and in that, others enter our lives.

I think your problem is if you don't mind me saying, your own in-security, fears are based on in-securities. She is your girlfriend, be happy, love her and she will be happy and love you back... It is love that makes people stay together and not want to ever ruin that.

[Aprilily]

What if the shoe were on the other foot and she was the one holding your past against you? Is that fair? So what if she's been with one other guy, she isn't with him now, she's with YOU.
You say she's the perfect girl except for this one thing and this one thing disgusts you and you don't trust her because of it. If you want to stay with her you need to let it go, or let HER go and stop punishing her for things she's done before she was with you.
Sorry if I seem a little harsh, but this is how I see it.

[Stillness]

For anyone that at least ATTEMPTS to help me in a way others don't, I will forever be in your debt.

What would that get me? A cash prize?

Seriously, I was friends with my wife's ex-boyfriend in college. He was taller, slimmer, and more athletic than me. He got more girls in college. I was good friends with my wife before we became romantically involved, so I know what she's attracted to and he's more it than I am. Two other boyfriends of hers that I know look similar to my friend. I look different, facially and physically.

To top this off, because my friend and I spent a lot of time together and were somewhat close, he told me things about my wife - intimate things they did that a man does not really want to know about his woman and another man. She was more experienced sexually. How do I deal with this?

Really simply. My wife left that dude and the ex-boyfriend she went back to after him. She's with me now. As a matter of fact, the other ex-boyfriend wanted to beat me up because he was losing her and could not compete. She didn't connect with them like she did with me - not just physically, but mentally and spiritually. I was what she wanted and still wants. They lost her. I won and kept her.

You say your woman is perfect and you have a great connection and have been through a lot. Dude, don't let that go. She didn't have that with the others. I don't know all the details, but something was off or she would be with them, not you. You won her affection and have her now.

You mentioned that trust issues are also a problem - suicide, weakness, depression. I think that at the root of all of this is self-esteem. If you know you've got something going on, then you don't have to worry. What do you have going on? What makes you attractive, not just to your woman, but to your friends. Are you funny, handsome, charming, smart, athletic? Can you bench press 200 lbs or solve a quadratic equation? Are you good with computers? Can you talk people into stuff? Are you there when somebody is in need? Close to God? Do you know just the right thing to do when someone has a problem? What makes you good to be around? What's your thing? Develop that and grow as a person. Then you can be confident and secure. Not cocky, but aware of your worth. That makes you more attractive. What your woman did in the past won't matter so much because she has someone valuable in you. You can be so confident, that you won't want to lose her, but you know that it's her loss if she does leave.

[jns]

Guys, note what Stillness is talking about. You don't have to be the best at everything or anything. You don't need to be perfect on a whole bunch of physical characteristics. You just need to have the right combination to excite the girl you are with. She wouldn't have picked you if she didn't like what she was getting.

[Truckstar]

I don't know if this is solved for you or if you have been back to assess the replies,

I believe that you are young and as the wise man says, "You are young and you will learn".

Food for thought is, Our past makes us who we are. What we did, right or wrong we learn from. She has become the perfect girlfriend because of her life experiences. A thought for you. You now have a past and if you continue hassling this girl about hers, you will then have an ex girlfriend that took your virginity. Does that put you out of the "market" for any "Pure" girls in the future.

Next thought, be pleased that she has been honest with you. I am older and am very much in love with my wife. We met when we were 22 and we did all the chat about past experiences and like Stillness said above I knew two of her exes, so saying she was a virgin would have been out of the question, I also knew that she had been in a two year relationship with a dude I have never met. Point being at that stage she said she had been intimate with four men, and to be honest that didn't bother me then.

A few years later and before we were in the open state we are now, she admitted unprompted and out of the blue that it had been 8 men and that she hadn't wanted to hurt my feelings at the time, I was and am still cool with that and her reasons. Because her life experiences made her the beautiful sexual and intelligent lady she is today and I love her because of her and who she is.