[Nina78]

My boyfriend has started working with an intern in September 2011. He is 42 and she is 23. They were seated side by side each other for months until a couple of months ago when the company had a seating reorganization. I did not really pay attention to it in the past although I was hearing that he always had breakfast with her, together with another male colleague. Then early this year, I found out that there was a new girl transferred to his department and was also seated in their table. She is not an intern but belongs to a graduate program so she stayed at work the entire day, as opposed to the other girl that stays only half a day. I think my boyfriend doesn't talk much, like he's the secretive type. It seems that he has his own world at work which I initially didn't really pay attention to as I didn't want myself to have more problems. Anyway, this other girl from the graduate program stays the entire 8 hours which means she stays for lunch -- with my boyfriend and the other male colleague or sometimes just my boyfriend and her. When I was hearing more about the situation because I already confronted my boyfriend about being more open about what happens to him at work, I realized that they've been like buddies at work. Recently the intern was officially hired so now she too, goes to lunch with all of them.

OK. I asked my boyfriend how is it that the four of them or sometimes some of them continue to have breakfast and lunch together when they're already seated far apart. I asked him if they chat using the company chat system or do they email? Then he said that if 5 minutes before their designated breakfast time nobody has said anything, meaning nobody between those two girls because he sits beside the male colleague, he would email them [I don't know whom of the two girls] and ask/tell/invite them for breakfast.

This is what I don't like: I don't like the fact that he has to email them when they are not saying anything about going to breakfast/lunch. That he has to go over their desk to ask them if they're coming or not. He mentioned though that sometimes the girls or one of the girls do it too --But I don't believe him. I asked him if he emails them sometimes or if the other male colleague does but he told me it's him who does it. I mean, the other male colleague is just 35, has a girlfriend and a kid and surely acts more maturely than him.
I have observed that my boyfriend is exaggeratedly nice because there are other instances that I'll probably mention later, which shows he has this trait. Anyway, my question is, why can't he just be normal and just meet them at the cafeteria or the restaurant or something or just casually pass by their area and tell them they [him and his male colleague] will be leaving for lunch? Why does it have to be that all four of them should go together?

Please help with insights. Thank you so much!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sometimes men are flirts but it doesn't mean anything more.


I think you have to elaborate on the "other" situations you have stored behind you to get a better picture.

Welcome to the Forum .

CW

[Nina78]

Hi CW, thanks for your reply.

Another situation about him being exaggeratedly nice is when 10 months into our relationship, I found out that he kept the house keys of a female neighbor, who also keeps his.

To give a clearer picture of our situation, we have an online, long-distance relationship that's been going on for 11 months but we've been friends for a year before that. Actually, we had a brief 'online' relationship in May of 2011. It lasted for about a month but we decided to continue talking. To be honest, the neighbor is already a stigma because when we decided to give this relationship another try in November '11, he mentioned her to me and told me not to think bad about his association with that neighbor. He told me she was in a divorce and was having many problems. I asked him if he liked her and if they went out but then he said that they just went out for a beer once and nothing happened. And that when they would meet in their condo, they would just exchange his and hellos. I was suspicious all the time about this since he also said she is pretty and nice to talk to. But then I tried to believe him that nothing was going. Though truthfully, at the back of my mind, I was thinking that during the period after we split [end of May-October], he was trying to see where it would go with the neighbor. But when he found out that it would go nowhere, he went back to me but this is because I remained really nice to him all the while.

Anyway, i just found out about all these a month ago when we accidentally came to that topic because his intercom rang. I think the info about the keys slipped. I was so surprised that time, and it kind of broke my trust. I asked him why he never mentioned it when we talk everyday... especially since 4 months ago the neighbor left her keys and knocked on his door to borrow hers. It was a lie of omission no doubt. So after that, I asked what the real score was and I found out how involved he was when the neighbor was having problems with her house, her divorce and that he always told her that if ever she needed anything, she should just tell him. So this is the part where I would change my initial position that he is exaggeratedly nice, instead I really believe, he liked / likes [dunno] this neighbor.

Maybe some of you might think that our relationship can't be a serious one since it's long distance and online but we have been seriously preparing [finances, visa, papers, etc] these past four months for my moving with him in Spain next year. But, after knowing this information about the neighbor, I started to get paranoid about what other nice things he's been doing for other girls like his colleagues that's why I've been asking and asking about things to compensate for what I didn't ask about in the past. This is the reason why I am asking him things in a very detailed manner now because I don't want to miss out on anything anymore. Right now, I feel I can't trust him although he already told me that next time he bumps into his neighbor, he'll let me know [because he never told me about anything they've talked about] and my main problem is, I don't like the kind of guy that he is, which I would term as someone who wants to be every woman's superhero.

One last bit I have to add is, he is too nice that he used to pay his cleaning lady 20 EUROS more than the supposed amount for cleaning weekly. He also told me that this cleaning lady was pretty.

Please help me straighten my thoughts out and point me to the right direction as to what to make out of this thing he's doing with the colleagues. Do you really think he's a flirt?

[BabyGirl]

It seems that you may be "Creating " issues of which not to trust him .
If you can take the words , Female, Girl, Woman, out of your story, would you be as mistrusting or concerned if they were just Buddies and Male ? Would it bother you that he texted a Buddie about lunch, ahead of time or stopped by their desk ? I think not ..

You stated

I realized that they've been like buddies at work.

You accepted they are Buddies, that is Good, now the other co~worker can also just be a Buddy. Buddies are friends, people we interact with, try to help and just do things Friends do , share lunches, rides, get them coffee when you get yours .

They work together, they eventually learn about each others lives, Families and usually have something in Common. Which makes working with them, more enjoyable and the days at work go faster, if you get along and consider them " Friends ".

The Neighbor, ( sex of neighbor unimportant in the fact they are Neighbors ) and he may have shared keys, for emergency reasons and even possibly care taking, should one or the other be gone a weekend or longer .
Whether Pretty or not so Pretty, Woman or Man.You should appreciate his kindness and their kindness to be Neighborly and Trustworthy . And on the House Cleaner, Pretty or not, it makes no Difference, maybe she just does a Great Job and deserves a Tip , ( for extra Effort) , just as a very attentive Waiter gets a Tip for serving you promptly and attending to you needs.

I am quite sure when you asked about his Neighbor and House keeper. he didn't state immediately or describe them as Pretty Women , I'd bet you drug it out of him . Normally people don't describe in " looks " they may say Pretty face, Tall , Short, handsome, Handicapped Small or Large Body, But only if Questioned . Most just say Girl/ Guy and leave it at that .

I am concerned about your Statement ..

my main problem is, I don't like the kind of guy that he is, which I would term as someone who wants to be every woman's superhero.

Again , take out Woman or better yet Pretty Women .. Would you not like him helping Elderly people or Homeless people or Injured People, Children , Male or Female. Being their " Super Hero " ?

This is an issue with yourself, your possibly not being Secure in your relationship with him. Maybe not feeling " pretty " in yourself , as that seems to bother you quite a bit. I also see a tendency for Jealousy and Control of his being a " Nice Guy ".

With your .

This is the reason why I am asking him things in a very detailed manner now because I don't want to miss out on anything anymore. Right now, I feel I can't trust him although he already told me that next time he bumps into his neighbor, he'll let me know

Honey, he is going to be your Husband/ SO or Live in Boyfriend, when you move to Spain with him . You will Not replace his Friends or Buddies, no matter what Sex they are. You should try to be an Addition to his life, one he shares with them and he shares them with you .

You never know, he may be so excited about you moving there, he may be sharing his joy and love for you , to them , he may be Sounding off to them and asking for their Support in welcoming you to Spain and the " Family and Friends " group.

Then again , you can spoil that all.. By Demanding he tell you every contact, with every " Pretty Female " and then he will soon resent you and wonder Why he has brought you into his Life there in Spain.

So get down off of the " He can only have me " soapbox, accept that he will have other Female Friends and Co Workers. Show him & Them , You are his Love, the woman he wants and Join in a Group of Friends and Family .

Have him Proud to show you off to all of the Other " Pretty Women " in his Life .. If you act like you are a " Pretty Woman , both inside and Out " they will welcome you as his Woman .. Not just a Pretty Woman he works with or Shares Keys with ..

It seems he has Chosen you as His " Pretty Woman ". Be secure in that, Proud of that and let the Others in his life, Male and Female.. Know he has made a Good Choice .

Jealousy and Control and being Insecure, has No place in any Relationship. Especially one where one is Moving to another Country to live in that persons Life.

[Nina78]

Hi babygirl, thanks for sharing.

I think the word female, girl and woman makes all the difference otherwise the jealousy would be unreasonable. Others get jealous of other guy friends / family but not me.

I've been in this relationship officially for 10 months but devoted to him for almost two years. I don't think anybody would say it is easy to be in such a long-distance relationship. And being that I don't really play games, of course I have observed the fact that he hasn't been serious with me all this time except when we started fixing the finances four months ago. I couldn't care less if I was playing around as well and since I haven't been, I could see the difference in how I have been / am to him and how he has been to me.

I did not write in detail how he spoke of the neighbor but he told me a number of times what a beautiful woman she is [even if I wasn't asking at the moment] and that he doesn't want anything bad to happen to her -- a bit personal for my taste especially when he knew me ahead than her.

I would not create such situations to not trust him because I am the least person who would want that since I am the one going to sacrifice my life to move over there -- a testament of my feelings for him, plus, I've never been the type to prove myself to anyone, and in this situation to his neighbor and his colleagues [which he also knew later].

In my mind, if they were really just buddies and talk about normal stuff, why does he refuse to tell the neighbor about me and why did he wait for several months to tell his colleagues about me, despite receiving a present from me at his office for his birthday. He just told them I was his English teacher.

I appreciate the input but I think it's a bit biased as it did not aim to look deeper at my real concern, despite the fact that there might be other reasons just like those I mentioned above that I did not really enumerate here. I mean as a woman, we know that there MUST be a reason why a woman has written this in the first place. In the length of time that I have spent for him and me, I think that in itself speaks of the validity of these feelings and uncertainties I have.

[Nina78]

In addition to my post above, I also think that the ideas presented by babygirl are quite idealistic; as if there are no affairs nor infidelities that happen in the real world.

[BabyGirl]

I hopefully did not come of as Biased , Nina.

But if so, it was not meant to seem that way . It was for you to recognize and enjoy the Love that you and he have chose and to involve all of his other " Friends and Family ".

I myself had a Long Distance Relationship of 4 years that turned into a Marriage and I am now Widowed (6 years Now ) because he could not move to America, due to my Financial ability to support him , that America, deemed to have me make.
Note....
he was approved by all other standards, just not approved because of my Income with two kids still at home .

The thing here is that you are Willing to "Commit " to moving to another Country, VISA's and all . I would hope you will understand that you will then be in His Country, Your Future Country and also to understand that , when you do so . You do not give up yourself, you Blend with another .

There are so many Beautiful Women on this Earth, in Every Country . I am sure you are one of them .
And Being a Woman, close to 60 years of Age. I agree with your

I mean as a woman, we know that there MUST be a reason why a woman has written this in the first place.

And as a Woman of my age, I have also questioned ,many times in my younger days and now Decades ..
The same things you are now. But I also realize that Some Men and Woman, deem the " love of their life " as Possessions and fail to appreciate the Giving and Loving person, that attracted us to them to start with .

Hopefully your moving to Spain with him, is for Love and only Love. The desire of spending your Lives together. That would be awesome. Then when you are there , with Him. He can show you around to all the ones you are worried about .

Throughout your Years with him , there may be many Beautiful women in your life, Children ,Cousins, Mothers,Neighbors.

And when you can Catch the Sparkle, That he Chose YOU out of all The Beautiful Women on Earth ..
You will know when to not Worry about others.
But .. I would have that in your Heart & Soul.. That Trust and Respect...
In Each Other..

[BabyGirl]

In addition to my post above, I also think that the ideas presented by babygirl are quite idealistic; as if there are no affairs nor infidelities that happen in the real world.

I do agree with you in some ways .

Experience is one thing ..
Going through it more than one time ..
Learning is a Basic Step to Knowledge .
Practicing the learned is the called Experience.

Once we learn it and do it " Our Way "
We are on our own, but we only Seek Help or Advice..
When we Do Not KNOW it ALL .
We still seek the Experience of Others .


Is the reason I come to WH and have been here so long.
I hope you will stay and give some input to others .

But you are correct ..

Idealistically .
You should be able to move to Spain with no strain or adjustments. With the VISA.
Move in and tell the neighbor (gal or guy ) you want the key back . Go to his work . tell all females, he is yours and he cannot have lunch or breakfast with him without you there .

I may be harsh here, But have had allot of Heartache with in My trying to bring and keep a Loved one here in the USA. Trying to keep that marriage and Love alive, finding out the " negative " and having to have decide .
That I cannot or Will Not move 2 minor children to Canada or Chile . It is a Moot Point now, that is why I am Sharing .


And You .. You are now making that choice. in your heart.

We are now at a place in the world. Where the Elders are lost and looking to Us ..
For Help for Guidance .
And You are one I seek for ..