[rob1984]

Im posting her as a man, because i need a womans point of view.. most of the people giving me advice are men and they just talk with their ego.. so here it is please read it through and give me anything I can use thanks in advance


my wife and i met when she was 17 and i was 21. we moved very quickly.. she is a flirty woman however i know it for attention. She is a beautiful girl and gets hit on alot in her previous jobs. Over time she gained alil weight which made her insecure and also developed alopecia which she lost her hair and had to wear a wig.. over teh years our relationship was going down, i sort of neglected her. Once i got real drunk and danced with some girl at a bar and kissed her, her friend saw me just dancing.. i admitted it to my wife right away before her friend did and i did not remember if we kissed but i think we did. She eventually forgave me. Fast forward to 4 months ago.

she started a new job and there was a guy there that gave her attention always talked to her and gave her what I didn't she started being attracted to this guy.. he invited her over once and she went. He kept feeding her booze and she confided in him that i was being neglecting and so on, and just before she left he kissed her, and she kissed him back.. she then stopped it and said no we can't and he did it again, and she kissed him back.

She confessed to me right away cried being very regretful, i tried to convince her that he used her and planned this, but she felt guilty and blamed her self more.. Time went on I told her to not speak to him and I told him he same.. yet he tried she sometimes did speak to him and i was getting upset. She said she loves me and wants to be with me, but still find him attractive but wants it out of her mind, she cannot stand him anymore..

she told him you never wanted to be my friend and lied to my face pretending to be interested in my marriage and being my friend.. he replied by saying you're not that innocent and you did what you did cause your marriage was already screwed.. I forgive my wife.. but find it hard to cope with her being attractive to another guy.. before she finally told him off.. she told me to let it go and says it was a stupid drunked mistake and so on.. but she was attracted to him and now finally realized she was used. and taken advantage off,( cause he waited till she was drunk and just before she was about to leave ) and she hates him for it.. yet she sais he pops in her mind sometimes when things remind her of him, certain streets we drive past and sometimes when she kisses me, but she said they are not good feelings.. after telling him off and based on what he said she said she is not attracted to him, but he still pops up in her mind. will time cure this? should I be worried? I screwed up as well.. does this make us even. Im hurt cause she had an emotional attraction to him.

She has changed since.. much nicer now, trying to change her life around ect.. even applied to better jobs. Do you think she is remorseful. I know nothing more happened.. my wife cannot keep things.. even telling me she fanatsized before.. which is hard to admit but i now it human nature, i've done it before.. do you think its just a small fantasy that she took to far.

I think its all insecurities.. we were on a bad path and someone gave her attention and she hung on to it.. having a feeling that if we broke up she had someone to lean on ect.. I think this made her a better wife and person and some people learn from their mistakes.. She assured me she will never ever do something like to me and to her again as she is embarrassed.. what do you think.. and please no one tell me to dump the *****. just positive feedback,

[Euphoric]

Over time she gained alil weight which made her insecure and also developed alopecia which she lost her hair and had to wear a wig.. over teh years our relationship was going down, i sort of neglected her.

I can't speak for ALL women, but in general, I think most want to feel loved and that their significant other is attracted to them. Gaining weight and losing her hair I'm sure made her feel less than appealing. By your own admission these are factors that you noticed. Were you supportive? Did you let her know that loved her for who she was, not appearances only? I suspect not because you also noted that you "sort of neglected her". Relationships are work. Good relationships often require a lot of give and take, as well as acceptance of life circumstances.

Once i got real drunk and danced with some girl at a bar and kissed her, her friend saw me just dancing.. i admitted it to my wife right away before her friend did and i did not remember if we kissed but i think we did. She eventually forgave me.

Did you tell your wife about the bar dancing and kissing because her friend saw you? Probably. If you hadn't been caught, would you have mentioned it? How did you feel about what happened? Did you feel guilty about your actions or the fact that you were caught? These are question for you, not us. I'm just trying to make you think about the internal conflict you experienced and how you felt. With this in mind, how to you think your wife feels?

she started a new job and there was a guy there that gave her attention always talked to her and gave her what I didn't she started being attracted to this guy.

Again, you admit that this guy gave her the attention that you didn't. That doesn't make her actions excusable, rather explainable. I think you are correct in your assessment of the situation. The guy noticed a vulnerable woman and tried to capitalize on the situation. However, she didn't get caught. It was her guilty conscious and not being able to live a lie that drove her to tell you what happened. Maybe it was a plea for you to show her that you still care about her. In her mind, is it possible that she was thinking somebody finds me attractive, why can't it be my husband? Has this been a wake up call for you? It seems so because she has your attention if you are consulting a forum for advice.

I screwed up as well.. does this make us even. Im hurt cause she had an emotional attraction to him.

Two wrong never make a right. The real question is: Do you forgive her? Do you want to make your marriage work? You both, at different times, consumed alcohol and didn't something unfaithful. It sounds like you did it because you didn't find your wife appealing and she did it because her husband showed no interest, yet someone did.

I think this made her a better wife and person and some people learn from their mistakes.

Great, but did it make YOU a better person? Have you learned from YOUR mistakes? You did the same thing, but no where in your post do I see remorse for your actions - dancing and kissing another woman or for neglecting your wife. She has assured you she will never do it again, she is embarrrassed. I see remorse from her side by your own admission. Yes, people make mistakes. Both of you made mistakes. Does it seem fair that you were forgiven, but question your ability to reciprocate?

The positive feedback you request, in my opinion, lies within your answers to the above questions, which are posed to provoke you to do some self-evaluation. I think that your wife made a mistake while drunk and vulnerable, from alcohol and neglect. If you both want your marriage to work, by all means it can. But you both need to change some things. You say she has, but you need to as well. She needs to know that you love her even though she put on a few pounds, lost her hair, made a mistake. She needs to feel your attraction. She needs to hear you tell her she's beautiful.

God forbid, but if you got testicular cancer and had to have them removed, how would you feel? Emasculated? Wouldn't you want some reassurance that you are loved for all of you, not just your testicles? Love her, show her, tell her, make her feel like a complete woman. Maybe this was the wake up call you needed to open your eyes to the whole situation. Best wishes.

[rob1984]

hey thank you for the reply... yes i have been remorseful and i told her before her friend did. her hair loss happened 5 yrs ago and finally growing back but still wears a wig.. I told her if she took off the wig would he have still been attracted to you like i have and that hurt her, i feel bad for saying that. It has changed me made me appreciate my wife alot more.. but im scared that she will see the changes base don what she did and she can think she knows what to do in the future.. but i think that is going alil to far in my thinking. I do forgive her, i wish this happened at a bar and not a person she had an emotional attachment to. I know she is not attracted to him but to the attention he gave her. that I am certain of. This can only make us stronger and realize our relationship was vulnerable and that anything could happen.. she could have gone all the way but chose not to which still took guts as im sure its hard to say no sometimes when you are in that mood.. and the fact that she told me right away made me feel good.. Im just sad she`s attracted to him but i know its human nature.. Im fighting with my nature of knowing its normal and my nurture of knowing its not. How can I let this go in my mind.. what should i do, i forgive her but have slight trust issues.. just paranoid.

[Euphoric]

I'm sure she must have had/still has trust issues with you, too. It's never good, as you noted, to throw a negative (would he have still been attracted if you took the wig off) out there. All that does is throw her situation in her face, and I can assure you, she is well aware of how she looks without the wig. It demeaning and hurtful, which does not show her you love her regardless of the nature of her situation. I think that men are much more incline to hop in the sack with someone they don't know (from a bar) than a woman. Most women want to feel some sort of connection to a person before she gives that part of herself. She was VULNERABLE because of a lack of interest on your part. You can't just let it go, as you say. We can't erase our past and things that impact our lives. But, we can learn from our mistakes and move forward and try to be better and more attentive people. She managed to move forward, and time will help you, too. If she had hid this from you, then you would have more to worry about. Build your relationship, nurture it, and you will have no reason to be paranoid. We can have friends without sexual relations.

I have male friends, and my husband knows them. Yes, it is purely platonic friendships, but emotional, nonetheless. I have never cheated on my husband and have no intentions to do so, but I will also love my friends. Love your wife with all of your heart and soul, show her and tell her.

[rob1984]

i understand what you mean, what bugged me last night was that i noticed im the one initiating sex and he rnot as much.. but she does not refuse it and has a good time.. and usually it was her that did it.. maybe i am just over thinking it.. she said when she kisses me she sees his face in her mind and it drives her nuts so maybe she is avoiding it so she does not picture him.. thanks for you help really.. its better to get a womans persepctive than a mans.. all they say is more happened and i should run ect... so thanks again.. if you have more things to throw my way please do so as i need everything i can get past this and work on my relationship.. I wish you a merry christmas and thank you again..

if anyone else has anything to add please feel free to do so.

[Euphoric]

Okay, so last night you initiated sex, and usually it was her that did it. Not to keep tossing this out there, but maybe she needs you to do the initiating for a while. When your spouse initiates, it makes you feel desirable. She needs to feel like you desire her and that you see her as sexy. That's probably why you feel hurt now. If she was initiating, it would make you feel like she desires you. Don't over think it. Go with it. Enjoy it. She is carrying guilt and she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. Not something that is easily done when you have a low self-esteem. Hang in there Rob, you seem like a truly concerned husband who wants to rebuild a secure relationship with your wife

Keep in mind that you both have made mistakes that can't be undone, but you can move forward.
Merry Christmas to you as well. I hope you find what you are seeking.

[rob1984]

Yes she is guilty to initiate it. we talked today she told me we need to stop talking a out him and Move on she hates this person who used her and she wants nothing to do with that poison but focus on our marriage get back in shape and said she learned a lesson how to be a real wife and that the grass is not always greener on the other side. When I bring it up she gets sad for what she did Nd keeps apologizing and just wants me to be happy, she said if I broke up with her she would understand, anything to make me happy again. So I can live a normal life and leave the guilt with her but does not want me to do that as she loves me very much and just let her insecurities get to her and never thought she would do that.

[Mini111]

Its very good that she realized what she did just keep loving her more than ever ok All women just want love and attention ....

Best of luck