[azalea]

I've been off birth control for a number of months now, because I haven't really had any sex drive, and the pill was kind of a pain in the butt. Every kind I've taken always made me really sick in the first week, and I kind of got tired of vomiting for a few days every month. The birth control helped me with other things, like appetite, and it also made my periods less severe... but I just lost the motivation to keep up with the hassle of getting sick once a month, renewing the prescription, etc.

My boyfriend said he was okay with my decision to stop taking it. I'm also scared of doctors, so I'm afraid to get the pap smear, because the last time I had that test, it hurt and I bled. I just haven't had much sex drive. A couple times I did, and I suggested trying condoms, but my boyfriend isn't crazy about condoms. He'd rather I just go back on the pill, but I don't really want to right now. He's been really patient with me... but I think he's starting to get disappointed with the lack of sex, and my lack of desire to be on birth control.

Just earlier today, I saw an article on a type of reversible male birth control that's being developed that doesn't harm hormones or sperm production, and I thought it was interesting. I mentioned it to my boyfriend, because we're generally interested in science and technology news. I asked if he'd be open to it if it became reliable, safe and available, but he is pretty much totally against the idea of male birth control. I love my boyfriend dearly, and I really appreciate how patient he's been with me, but at the same time, I'm a little frustrated that I'm the one who's expected to deal with the discomforts of birth control. He's starting to get just a little impatient waiting for me to decide to take birth control again, but I'll do it when I'm ready. I'm disappointed by his disinterest in using condoms, and his immediate aversion to male birth control. I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one responsible for preventing pregnancy... it should be both of us.

I dunno... this just bugged me a little bit. He's a really wonderful guy and I love him dearly, and this kind of thing is a little unusual for him, honestly. We always have such a "we're in this together" attitude about everything, I guess I feel sad that he expects me to be on birth control, despite the fact that it has side affects. I feel guilty and sad. Anybody else have similar experiences?

[Ashlee T.]

This is unfortunately a quite typical male reaction and opinion. That doesn't mean ALL men think that way, but certainly many of them do. SO many women are on birth control now days, that many men have just gotten used to the idea of not having to bear any of that burden. Condoms don't "feel" as good? Of course they don't.... but is your boyfriend saying that NOT wearing condoms is more important than your physical health and well-being?

I too went off the pill after many years of it. I feel SO much different and SO much better that I cannot imagine ever going back on it. The guys I have dated since going off the pill haven't been thrilled with my choice, but I've been very firm in the fact that the situation is not going to change so he can either work with me on it and find a happy compromise...or he can move along.

You're not wrong. Pregnancy prevention should not be totally one sided. It's not fair for one person to bear all the side effects, all the financial burden, all the responsibility. But it is an unfortunate reality for many women. I just made the choice that if I had to give up sex OR give up feeling good, I'd give up sex. Fortunately I haven't had to.... most guys figure out that if you're really serious, they can either work with you on it and have sex...or have no sex at all. I always tell them that there are plenty girls out there who will have unprotected sex with them...but THIS girl cares about enjoying life and feeling good.

[DreamP346]

Yeah, this is such a double standard with even the nicest guys. My hubby doesn't like to use condoms, but he wouldn't get a vasectomy. After years of asking, I finally had to get one myself. He would never say no, but he wouldn't do it and he also didn't want to use condoms.

There are other birth control options like IUD, the vaginal ring, diaphragm, etc. some are hormone free so you can look at those options.

It really isn't fair but I wanted sex more that he did, so I made the hard choices.

[MoeJr]

This as well as several other issues just freaks me out, probably why I don't see eye to eye with a lot of other men! Just plain jerks! Always the about THEM I so hate it. When my now ex wife started having issues with birth control I think it took me 2 days to schedule a vasectomy. For us at the time we pretty much knew we didn't want any more children so mine is not reversible. Now divorced but kids are late teens I still do not regret that decision. And I can tell you the stories most hear of vasectomies are false. rare occasions there are complications. For me and my wife at the time, her health was better, and the sex...well...amazing!! The now need to worry made it fantastic. Ha! Too bad the rest of our communication couldn't have lasted Best wishes to you on this!

[NubbinsUp]

From your posting, it seems that his attitude isn't all that different from your own regrding medical means of discouraging pregnancy. I do think that if you're going to have sex and take the pregnancy risk that comes with it, you should both at least take (or share) resoonsiblity for buying condoms and keeping them on hand, and he should always be willing to use one. If you hand him one, and he wont't put it on, he shouldn't be having sex with you unless you both have agreed that you are ready for children. Since you hand him the condom, that obviously isn't the case. So, when he wants penetrative intercourse and you're willing, you hand him a condom. If he won't put it on, then he's the one saying "no" to sex, not you.

[rcoreyus]

You can also just agree to sexual activities that can't get you pregnant.

[azalea]

You can also just agree to sexual activities that can't get you pregnant.

That's what we do nowadays. No intercourse without birth control. I'm fine with it, but I think it's been eating away at him a bit over time. He won't orgasm through a handjob, oral, etc, only through vaginal sex or masturbation, so I think it's less interesting for him. I just wonder how long he'll be patient and settle for a less-than-exciting sex life with me.

[Trisha23]

You can try other method like rhythm and IUD. Most of the guys aren't really comfortable with condoms. You can try to talk things over again.

[Guest]

"...so I think it's less interesting for him."

Intimacy without intercourse is less interesting for him and intimacy with BC is less interesting for you...

Seems like a fair trade off to me (as a male).

Then again, frankly, I don't understand how he can be less than understanding with your concerns, opinions, thoughts regarding BC and what it does to you.

How is his masturbation different than your hand job? Grip? Strength? Pressure? Technique? If he can ejaculate using manual stimulation it seems like you should be able to get him to ejaculate using like or similar stimulation.

I think you're due for another conversation about the entire subject matter. ie. Is condom covered intercourse better than no intercourse? Would be one of the first questions I'd ask...

[jns]

The person who can make a condom that covers correctly, but doesn't have the negatives like loss of sensation will make a fortune. I would consider some form of male birth control in such a situation as that described by the OP as long as it was reversible and didn't cause libido changes.