I am not sure where I am going with this, but I need to let it out.
I met my husband when I was 17, we became a couple shortly after knowing each other and got married a year later. From minute 1 I knew he was the one, and when he popped the question there was no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Unknowingly, that he has cheated on me while engaged and called his ex fiance on our wedding night on his "cigarette break" because he didn't know if it was the right decision (really?!) to get married that young (he was 23 I was 19). I figured that out a couple weeks after we got married. I was heartbroken and confronted him about it. He apologized, and I thought he meant it, and since I loved him deeply, I had no choice but to forgive him and to hope he would not do this to me again.
Our marriage was a mess to begin with. Unlike other newlyweds, he showed no interest in me at all, besides sex. We moved to the US (I am German, and we got married in Germany and lived there for a while), and all he was doing was going out with his friends until late at night, sometimes even until 6 or 7 in the morning, to come home and get ready for work and leave again - repeatedly. He turned off his cell phone, I waited at the dinner table numerous times just to watch the food get cold.I didn't know anybody, it was HIS hometown, and he didnt bother to introduce me to his friends either, except one, I will call him "J"(I will come to that part later). He left me alone, where I had no friends, no family no nobody, and on top of that - I was 8 weeks pregnant. I got suspicious that all his "friend time" maybe was another woman so I went through his emails and cell phone, and yea. There she was, another woman he had sex with. Oh boy. What did I get myself into. Again, I confronted him about it, he apologized and I gained new hope. In total, that happened about 4 times (cheating). One time, I caught him lying that he was at a friends house , "J", but called J and he wasn't there. I knew he was screwing someone else. I called up J to pick me up, the only person I knew in this town, and to please please keep me company for a little while (I seriously thought of killing myself, but was hoping that someone could lift my soul, and J did). I was done with this, and couldnt bear the heartache he has caused anymore, so I decided to move back to my family, 8 months pregnant. I gained the strength to believe that I am able to raise our daughter by myself, even though I hated the thought of my child growing up without a father ruining my perfect family picture, but I saw no other choice. I had to be strong for my child, and I didnt see it happening living with him in the States. 3 weeks before my flight, he broke out into tears that he hates himself for doing what he did to me, and begged me to stay. However, there was no way for me to stay in this mess. I already quit my job, and had no faith that he will ever change. So I told him, that if he means it, he drops everything in the US and moves back to Germany with me. And he did. I didn't expect that from him to be honest.
So, all good and dandy, again, I have had hope. About a year later, he had a serious affair with one of his clients at his job. I mean, all the other times it was just for the sex, this time, it was sex, long talks, nasty long talks. I told him to go back to the US and not to talk to me anymore.
You probably wonder, why someone would stay with someone like that; well, I loved him. I really did. Despite all the pain he caused, my parents already hated him for what he did to me, and told me to drop him, I still loved him to pieces. I couldnt let go. So, instead of the definite breakup, that I intended his move to be (I thought the distance could help me get over him, if I dont see him anymore), it was more of like a break. He called me often to check if I was okay, and those calls have extended to the point that he was falling into a deep depression of the mess he has caused. This time I was sure he realized it all. He realized what he lost. Not just me, but also his child. He was as low in life as it could get, while I was getting better. However, we talked a lot about our marriage, and he wanted me to give him one last chance. One last chance. Okay. Fine. Not that I already have given him 5, but I guess I can go for another round. So, here I am, our daughter and I (my daughter stayed in Germany with me while he was "gone for work") moved to the States, to give our family another shot.
And it was a good one. He has been nothing but nice, loving, helpful, funny, sweet, romantic... Everything I ever wanted from him. He tried his heart out to win my trust back, but I told him it could take a good while. I will have to restore my heart first, before I can restore my faith in this marriage, but I am willing to work on this for the sake of our daughter and our marriage, since I did still love him. This was about a year ago. He has been home every night, he helps me with house chores, he is loving towards me, he treats me like a princess. Unfortunately, this time, I have distanced myself from him. I don't know how to be romantic with him anymore, since I never had it. I love him, and I am sure about that, but the trust part, I fear, can never ever be restored, even though I work so hard on it... I feel so numb towards my husband sometimes. We barely have sex. Maybe 1 in two weeks. And that, I have to force myself to.
Since we moved here a year ago, "J" came around a couple of times. He is my husbands best friend since Kindergarten, and as said, the only person I knew back then, so I was happy to see him. He was the person to lift my spirits when I had no strength to do it on my own, and to be quite honest, I think he saved me from committing suicide. Therefore, I will be forever grateful. He was there when noone was. Ironically, and despite them being best friends, my husband and J are total opposites. Ever since, my husband was the "hot" guy, the guy that got all the chicks, the outgoing one the "popular" one. J was more quiet, very deep minded, and highly intellectual. He never *****d around.
So now, that we hung out quite often, my husband, J and I; J and I get along better each time we see each other. We laugh so much, our stomachs hurt. Our conversations are full of "life". He likes being near me and I like to have him around to. As said he lifted up my soul and I will always see him as that. We have similar jobs, laugh about the same jokes, eat the same food, we have pretty much everything in common. I never saw him as a potential lover, but I think I have come to this point now.
However, I have NEVER cheated on my husband in any kind of way, no sex, no kisses, and not even emotionally. I have been faithful despite his actions, all along. Now J comes around. I feel so deeply connected to him, its not funny anymore, and I believe he feels the same. However, J has dignity and class, and he would never ever backstab his best friend, even though he didnt agree with what my husband did to me, he would never go down this road himself and betray his friend or put me in a messy situation. We have never had sex, and nothing else has happpened, but I do believe that what we DO have, is an emotional affair. We talk about every and anything, I can cramp so much meaning in 5 minutes of talking to him, that I couldnt do with my husband in 5 days. I start to fall for J, and this is no good. I never wanted to have this happen. I am not a cheater and never wanted to be, but I just cant help but feel attracted to him. To his soul. I am such a mess. And I feel absolutely horrible for even having these evil thoughts. I still love my husband and cannot explain to myself why I feel that way for J. I just do. And it feels so good.
I am not sure if I am looking for advice, maybe I just wanted it off my chest. I already know, that would be breaking the man-code when getting together with my husbands best friend... I just needed to let it out. I cant help it......
I met my husband when I was 17, we became a couple shortly after knowing each other and got married a year later. From minute 1 I knew he was the one, and when he popped the question there was no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Unknowingly, that he has cheated on me while engaged and called his ex fiance on our wedding night on his "cigarette break" because he didn't know if it was the right decision (really?!) to get married that young (he was 23 I was 19). I figured that out a couple weeks after we got married. I was heartbroken and confronted him about it. He apologized, and I thought he meant it, and since I loved him deeply, I had no choice but to forgive him and to hope he would not do this to me again.
Our marriage was a mess to begin with. Unlike other newlyweds, he showed no interest in me at all, besides sex. We moved to the US (I am German, and we got married in Germany and lived there for a while), and all he was doing was going out with his friends until late at night, sometimes even until 6 or 7 in the morning, to come home and get ready for work and leave again - repeatedly. He turned off his cell phone, I waited at the dinner table numerous times just to watch the food get cold.I didn't know anybody, it was HIS hometown, and he didnt bother to introduce me to his friends either, except one, I will call him "J"(I will come to that part later). He left me alone, where I had no friends, no family no nobody, and on top of that - I was 8 weeks pregnant. I got suspicious that all his "friend time" maybe was another woman so I went through his emails and cell phone, and yea. There she was, another woman he had sex with. Oh boy. What did I get myself into. Again, I confronted him about it, he apologized and I gained new hope. In total, that happened about 4 times (cheating). One time, I caught him lying that he was at a friends house , "J", but called J and he wasn't there. I knew he was screwing someone else. I called up J to pick me up, the only person I knew in this town, and to please please keep me company for a little while (I seriously thought of killing myself, but was hoping that someone could lift my soul, and J did). I was done with this, and couldnt bear the heartache he has caused anymore, so I decided to move back to my family, 8 months pregnant. I gained the strength to believe that I am able to raise our daughter by myself, even though I hated the thought of my child growing up without a father ruining my perfect family picture, but I saw no other choice. I had to be strong for my child, and I didnt see it happening living with him in the States. 3 weeks before my flight, he broke out into tears that he hates himself for doing what he did to me, and begged me to stay. However, there was no way for me to stay in this mess. I already quit my job, and had no faith that he will ever change. So I told him, that if he means it, he drops everything in the US and moves back to Germany with me. And he did. I didn't expect that from him to be honest.
So, all good and dandy, again, I have had hope. About a year later, he had a serious affair with one of his clients at his job. I mean, all the other times it was just for the sex, this time, it was sex, long talks, nasty long talks. I told him to go back to the US and not to talk to me anymore.
You probably wonder, why someone would stay with someone like that; well, I loved him. I really did. Despite all the pain he caused, my parents already hated him for what he did to me, and told me to drop him, I still loved him to pieces. I couldnt let go. So, instead of the definite breakup, that I intended his move to be (I thought the distance could help me get over him, if I dont see him anymore), it was more of like a break. He called me often to check if I was okay, and those calls have extended to the point that he was falling into a deep depression of the mess he has caused. This time I was sure he realized it all. He realized what he lost. Not just me, but also his child. He was as low in life as it could get, while I was getting better. However, we talked a lot about our marriage, and he wanted me to give him one last chance. One last chance. Okay. Fine. Not that I already have given him 5, but I guess I can go for another round. So, here I am, our daughter and I (my daughter stayed in Germany with me while he was "gone for work") moved to the States, to give our family another shot.
And it was a good one. He has been nothing but nice, loving, helpful, funny, sweet, romantic... Everything I ever wanted from him. He tried his heart out to win my trust back, but I told him it could take a good while. I will have to restore my heart first, before I can restore my faith in this marriage, but I am willing to work on this for the sake of our daughter and our marriage, since I did still love him. This was about a year ago. He has been home every night, he helps me with house chores, he is loving towards me, he treats me like a princess. Unfortunately, this time, I have distanced myself from him. I don't know how to be romantic with him anymore, since I never had it. I love him, and I am sure about that, but the trust part, I fear, can never ever be restored, even though I work so hard on it... I feel so numb towards my husband sometimes. We barely have sex. Maybe 1 in two weeks. And that, I have to force myself to.
Since we moved here a year ago, "J" came around a couple of times. He is my husbands best friend since Kindergarten, and as said, the only person I knew back then, so I was happy to see him. He was the person to lift my spirits when I had no strength to do it on my own, and to be quite honest, I think he saved me from committing suicide. Therefore, I will be forever grateful. He was there when noone was. Ironically, and despite them being best friends, my husband and J are total opposites. Ever since, my husband was the "hot" guy, the guy that got all the chicks, the outgoing one the "popular" one. J was more quiet, very deep minded, and highly intellectual. He never *****d around.
So now, that we hung out quite often, my husband, J and I; J and I get along better each time we see each other. We laugh so much, our stomachs hurt. Our conversations are full of "life". He likes being near me and I like to have him around to. As said he lifted up my soul and I will always see him as that. We have similar jobs, laugh about the same jokes, eat the same food, we have pretty much everything in common. I never saw him as a potential lover, but I think I have come to this point now.
However, I have NEVER cheated on my husband in any kind of way, no sex, no kisses, and not even emotionally. I have been faithful despite his actions, all along. Now J comes around. I feel so deeply connected to him, its not funny anymore, and I believe he feels the same. However, J has dignity and class, and he would never ever backstab his best friend, even though he didnt agree with what my husband did to me, he would never go down this road himself and betray his friend or put me in a messy situation. We have never had sex, and nothing else has happpened, but I do believe that what we DO have, is an emotional affair. We talk about every and anything, I can cramp so much meaning in 5 minutes of talking to him, that I couldnt do with my husband in 5 days. I start to fall for J, and this is no good. I never wanted to have this happen. I am not a cheater and never wanted to be, but I just cant help but feel attracted to him. To his soul. I am such a mess. And I feel absolutely horrible for even having these evil thoughts. I still love my husband and cannot explain to myself why I feel that way for J. I just do. And it feels so good.
I am not sure if I am looking for advice, maybe I just wanted it off my chest. I already know, that would be breaking the man-code when getting together with my husbands best friend... I just needed to let it out. I cant help it......
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