[Guest]

My sister is 18, she's had her first boyfriend for 2 years now. He recently broke up with her saying her was confused. It didn't involve anyone else! He asked for back a few days later saying he loved her and still wants to marry her. My sister however is very sensitive and my parents had a really bad marriage, always accusing each other of cheating and hiding secrets, it didn't have a good effect on either of us, my sister suffered much more than I did. She put all of her trust into him and I know that she'd die for him. They're both eager to get married in a few years but my sister is confiding in me saying that she's scared and confused and is struggling to put the past behind her. It really struck her down hard. Please can someone give me some advice, if any women have been in the same situation. Please help, I can't stand to see her like this.

[sallyjoseph]

If she really love him then whats the problem. Say your sister which happens with your mom and dad that nothing happens with her its totally depend on person how they behave and how they survive.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Let me first off start with saying, please, both of you do not look at your parents and their relationship and mould it to yours.

Alot of people have problems with relationships, in fact most, if not all. The hardest thing to do is to build that trust, love and hold it. Relationships take a lot of work. Think of a career that you are trying to build, get better at, that is what constitues a relationship.

I understand "trust" but at 18? At 16? A guy falls in love wants to spend the rest of his life with you, get confused because he has not done perhaps, what other guys have, experienced. Makes a call of leaving but realised the true love he has.

It can be confusing.

For a woman, she sees a picket fence. She sees babies, husband and for the rest of her life. Her hormones are reserved for "him" ...

He is 18.. He worked out that he did not want to lose her, if he stated that he "wanted to marry her" and I'd love to here where she is from, then chances are he realised what he was about to lose.

Let me tell you something else. We learn from our parents what we like, don't like, believe, don't believe.. And from that we mould ourselves..

Your sister needs to be "herself" not live in their shadows of darkness of pain that she/you saw.

Sometimes people settle.

But love is real.

If a man does leave? Then there was a better man out there and lessons to be learn't of what will NOT be acceptable in the next relationship.

She should give him the benefit of the doubt, be proud and be assertive, let him know that she knows her worth.. She is a beautiful person that understands where she is going... Accepts this, but if he feels at any stage again that he wants to experiement, follow the crowd, then that would be the end, because love is love. If it is real, it will last till the end of time.... If not, then the time is up and the leasons learn't and another is out there better, much better ....

CW

[Trisha23]

She still has very plenty of time to think things over. It is not healthy to live in confusion and doubt just because your parents had a bad relationship, though it is not easy also to let that pass. Let her talk to her boyfriend regarding her confusion so that she may gain assurance from her boyfriend that he's gonna take care of her.

[Guest]

Thank you.

[Guest]

Let me first off start with saying, please, both of you do not look at your parents and their relationship and mould it to yours.

Alot of people have problems with relationships, in fact most, if not all. The hardest thing to do is to build that trust, love and hold it. Relationships take a lot of work. Think of a career that you are trying to build, get better at, that is what constitues a relationship.

I understand "trust" but at 18? At 16? A guy falls in love wants to spend the rest of his life with you, get confused because he has not done perhaps, what other guys have, experienced. Makes a call of leaving but realised the true love he has.

It can be confusing.

For a woman, she sees a picket fence. She sees babies, husband and for the rest of her life. Her hormones are reserved for "him" ...

He is 18.. He worked out that he did not want to lose her, if he stated that he "wanted to marry her" and I'd love to here where she is from, then chances are he realised what he was about to lose.

Let me tell you something else. We learn from our parents what we like, don't like, believe, don't believe.. And from that we mould ourselves..

Your sister needs to be "herself" not live in their shadows of darkness of pain that she/you saw.

Sometimes people settle.

But love is real.

If a man does leave? Then there was a better man out there and lessons to be learn't of what will NOT be acceptable in the next relationship.

She should give him the benefit of the doubt, be proud and be assertive, let him know that she knows her worth.. She is a beautiful person that understands where she is going... Accepts this, but if he feels at any stage again that he wants to experiement, follow the crowd, then that would be the end, because love is love. If it is real, it will last till the end of time.... If not, then the time is up and the leasons learn't and another is out there better, much better ....

CW

You have a lot of helpful things to say, I'm a psychologist though and may I point out that we do not mould ourselves on the failure of our parents. Our mind chooses it;s own path.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

OP

I'm a psychologist though and may I point out that we do not mould ourselves on the failure of our parents. Our mind chooses it;s own path.

Please can someone give me some advice, if any women have been in the same situation. Please help, I can't stand to see her like this.

My sister however is very sensitive and my parents had a really bad marriage, always accusing each other of cheating and hiding secrets, it didn't have a good effect on either of us, my sister suffered much more than I did.

You know.. With age comes wisdom. With replying to over 20,000 people, with problems in their lives, comes knowledge. A pshycholgist, in my opinion, is someone who studies the mind of others, simularities, patterns by reading both books and people. And, if they can, through their practice they help those people.

You have stated that how your parents acted, did not have a good effect on either of you, more so your sister. Your sister is, "in my opinion" moulding her relationship on what she saw, with her parents.. She has no trust.. Because of what she was bought up with. I did not say or certainly did not mean to suggest, that she will become like them, rather can not forget and therefore is moulding her life in the same shadow..

You also ask us to please help you with advice, I am glad that you took somethings that I stated as helpful. You further suggested you needed feedback because you don't know what to do. Lastly, that you are a pshycholgist..

I don't know how old you are, perhaps late teens, early to mid 20's. If you would allow the thoughts of the "older generation", who has seen it all then my honest opinion is this. She in-deed needs to let go of the past, forget the non-trust and problems she saw and experienced in child hood.

You have stated that it affected her, here on this Forum. I would tell her as her sister, "you are worth everything, this is your life. Enjoy each relationship for how ever long it is for, hopefully for life, but it does not always work out that way. Don't put obsticles in the way, by non-trust. If someone cheats, or leaves they were not meant to be or their journey is over but yours is just beginning as you find someone who knows your worth and yours his " .......................

[jns]

This all started because he was confused, then she became confused.

Society used to have a "requirement" of being on your own when you were done with secondary school. Sure, some started early. Also, some started late by going to college. But most had to be ready to be on their own at around 18. Many parents made it known that the clock was ticking at 18 or before. Mine did, but allowed for further education.

In today's age, some go out and start working full time without further education at 16, 17, 18. Others go on to college. Some are allowed to stay in the nest until 25 or 30, sometimes with the requirement of working and paying rent and sometimes not. Children can leave for a few years and then return to the nest. Does that happen anywhere else in nature?

Because of the no-set-limit on many about when to leave, I see a lot of people in their upper teens and twenties not maturing until later. There is nothing like being completely on your own without a lifeline to make you start making mature decisions. Because of this and what I have seen amongst the those I went to high school with, I don't think it is a good idea to get married in the late teens or early twenties. There are too many cases of a person in a relationship having a change of heart or getting cold feet. By the mid to late twenties, people have a better idea of what they want out of life.

Patti, I would counsel her to take things slower. Give the relationship time to heal. The relationship may end up stronger because of it. Of course, before settling on this plan, he should be sounded out to find out if he is OK with this. If things blow apart before marriage and they cannot be put back together, maybe the marriage was just not meant to be.