Hello,
I am not new to this forum but I took a long hiatus after a destructive relationship with a man which this forum was very instrumental in helping me get through. Thank you so much!
I got my life back together and finally ended up with a different position that required me to move back to corporate. Since then I have become best of friends with someone I work with. This is quite long so I apologize in advance. I just don't know how else I can advise him and am hoping others may have experienced something like this and know if there are any other available options to him other than just sitting around and waiting in misery.
Background:
-He's unhappily married (has two adult kids that are married themselves) living in a house with a mortgage and has diabetes. The marriage functioned okay until the kids left an empty nest and now they find themselves two middle-aged people with nothing in common. When I ask when was the last time he remembers enjoying this relationship, he can't remember. There is no imtimacy. They live in their own separate schedules (and rooms) and usually maintain a silence with minimal conversation. She suffers from a chronic disorder which causes her to have pain, depression and fatigue. He says that it's been a nearly regular routine that she comes home, eats, goes to her room, shuts the door and sleeps while he goes about taking care of the yard and cleaning up the house which is in constant disarray. She did try PT but now does nothing for it. Any attempts to entice her to the gym have been at best, short-lived. In any case, this pain is a predominant reason she never wanted to go out and do things, do housework or socialize although she's very active in the church.
-About a year and a half ago, he had two unlucky auto accidents where he was rear-ended by a girl who was texting and again by an uninsured motorist who wasn't paying attention in traffic each within a few months of the other. This has in turn caused two of the discs in his neck to start deteriorating and press up against the spinal cord causing him pain and numbness most of the time. It has severely curtailed his gym regimen which is his main channel for releasing stress. He recently confirmed from a second more recent MRI and a neurosurgeon appointment that the only chance of relief other than learning to "live with the pain and numbness" is a rather invasive surgery which in no way will guarantee any reprieve from the pain.
-He says (and has sent me pics) of the house. It is always a mess. No one cleans it up or does any of the maintenance necessary to keep the house from falling into disrepair, e.g. cleaning gutters, trimming plants, removing dead leaves, weeding, picking up things off the floor, washing dishes. The counters, the floors, everything are covered with **stuff.** It's difficult to find anything that you're looking for. It's gotten slightly better, he says, but only in that he doesn't have to step over as much stuff to get from place to place in the house. It's been this way for years. Even his immediate family doesn't know why he was always doing all the housework while everyone else just watched TV. In their defense, he does admit to enabling them to do this by always picking up the slack and rarely complaining. But the house is always a worry because his name is on it so he cannot simply walk away.
-A year ago, he suffered a heart attack that caused them to have to put a stent in. He attributes this to a terrible diet (which more than offset the exercise) sustained because the rest of the family members refused to cook or eat anything healthy, even considering his diabetes. When he tried to offer healthier suggestions, she'd say, "I can't each sandwiches every day" or "I dont' want to eat that"; when it came to a particular unhealthy dish they ate regularly, she'd insist that she'd "had to be able to eat it." His carpool mates claim that the call came regularly on the drive home for him to pick up some food on the way home which never made sense to them as she came home first, lives a lot closer to her workplace than he does to his and has time to get it. It was always fast food because that's all you can afford when you're raising kids, eat out every night and don't come home until late evening.
During the three-day stay in the hospital after the cardiac event, he had a lot of time to think back on his life and decided he didn't want to live this way. He wanted to eat healthy, exercise... and now that the kids had their own lives, he wanted out of this relationship. He moved out for a while and then decided to move back to the house to settle things so that he could move on. That's when things got really messy.
The Obstacles:
-He had a lawyer to work on the two accident cases ever since the accident but after a year the lawyer he had turned it over to another lawyer who told him that he cannot file for a divorce until the case is settled because it may require depositions from everyone who was involved, including the wife. He cannot afford to anger her or she may not cooperate with the case. Furthermore, getting a divorce now may damage the case because they are depending on the statements of the medical provider he has now which are under the wife's medical benefits. The lawyer is concerned that changing providers now might weaken the case as their testimony may not be the same. The lawsuit can take anywhere from six (if settled out of court) months to a year and a half (if not settled in court) to complete.
-One problem is that he already presented her the papers for the divorce before he learnt this so she's already miffed that he'd even consider divorce. She comes from a background in which divorce is never an option no matter how bad things get. This has already made things tense in the household. She's already insistent that she doesn't want to sell the house nor get a divorce. I've determined from the conversations he's described for me that this is not a person that he can have a rational conversation with. Nothing she says today necessarily applies tomorrow. She "may have changed her mind." Also, he can only talk about tough subjects with her for very short periods of time before she can't handle it and storms off claiming "she's too stressed out" to talk about it. It's very tough to advise someone who cannot talk to their spouse in a calm and reasonable manner. Example, when he initially presented her the papers for dissolution, she made an excuse every day for about two weeks not to sign it even though she claimed "she was definitely going to sign it." She never did.
The length of the commute and traffic, the tension at home, the clutter, the inability to get sleep due to the neck injury are taking its toll. He recently succumbed to the local flu going around. He looks haggard and miserable. All the humor and life that used to define him a pale reflection of what they were. If he were to leave the house to go elsewhere, he's afraid the wife will villify him to the kids and make the lawsuit fail even if winning it would benefit her. Given the conditions listed above, is there no other option but to remain in that house for another 6 - 18 months until the lawsuit settles so that he can file his divorce? Does he have no grounds for staying elsewhere to escape a rather poisonous environment in the meantime? I'm really worried!
I am not new to this forum but I took a long hiatus after a destructive relationship with a man which this forum was very instrumental in helping me get through. Thank you so much!
I got my life back together and finally ended up with a different position that required me to move back to corporate. Since then I have become best of friends with someone I work with. This is quite long so I apologize in advance. I just don't know how else I can advise him and am hoping others may have experienced something like this and know if there are any other available options to him other than just sitting around and waiting in misery.
Background:
-He's unhappily married (has two adult kids that are married themselves) living in a house with a mortgage and has diabetes. The marriage functioned okay until the kids left an empty nest and now they find themselves two middle-aged people with nothing in common. When I ask when was the last time he remembers enjoying this relationship, he can't remember. There is no imtimacy. They live in their own separate schedules (and rooms) and usually maintain a silence with minimal conversation. She suffers from a chronic disorder which causes her to have pain, depression and fatigue. He says that it's been a nearly regular routine that she comes home, eats, goes to her room, shuts the door and sleeps while he goes about taking care of the yard and cleaning up the house which is in constant disarray. She did try PT but now does nothing for it. Any attempts to entice her to the gym have been at best, short-lived. In any case, this pain is a predominant reason she never wanted to go out and do things, do housework or socialize although she's very active in the church.
-About a year and a half ago, he had two unlucky auto accidents where he was rear-ended by a girl who was texting and again by an uninsured motorist who wasn't paying attention in traffic each within a few months of the other. This has in turn caused two of the discs in his neck to start deteriorating and press up against the spinal cord causing him pain and numbness most of the time. It has severely curtailed his gym regimen which is his main channel for releasing stress. He recently confirmed from a second more recent MRI and a neurosurgeon appointment that the only chance of relief other than learning to "live with the pain and numbness" is a rather invasive surgery which in no way will guarantee any reprieve from the pain.
-He says (and has sent me pics) of the house. It is always a mess. No one cleans it up or does any of the maintenance necessary to keep the house from falling into disrepair, e.g. cleaning gutters, trimming plants, removing dead leaves, weeding, picking up things off the floor, washing dishes. The counters, the floors, everything are covered with **stuff.** It's difficult to find anything that you're looking for. It's gotten slightly better, he says, but only in that he doesn't have to step over as much stuff to get from place to place in the house. It's been this way for years. Even his immediate family doesn't know why he was always doing all the housework while everyone else just watched TV. In their defense, he does admit to enabling them to do this by always picking up the slack and rarely complaining. But the house is always a worry because his name is on it so he cannot simply walk away.
-A year ago, he suffered a heart attack that caused them to have to put a stent in. He attributes this to a terrible diet (which more than offset the exercise) sustained because the rest of the family members refused to cook or eat anything healthy, even considering his diabetes. When he tried to offer healthier suggestions, she'd say, "I can't each sandwiches every day" or "I dont' want to eat that"; when it came to a particular unhealthy dish they ate regularly, she'd insist that she'd "had to be able to eat it." His carpool mates claim that the call came regularly on the drive home for him to pick up some food on the way home which never made sense to them as she came home first, lives a lot closer to her workplace than he does to his and has time to get it. It was always fast food because that's all you can afford when you're raising kids, eat out every night and don't come home until late evening.
During the three-day stay in the hospital after the cardiac event, he had a lot of time to think back on his life and decided he didn't want to live this way. He wanted to eat healthy, exercise... and now that the kids had their own lives, he wanted out of this relationship. He moved out for a while and then decided to move back to the house to settle things so that he could move on. That's when things got really messy.
The Obstacles:
-He had a lawyer to work on the two accident cases ever since the accident but after a year the lawyer he had turned it over to another lawyer who told him that he cannot file for a divorce until the case is settled because it may require depositions from everyone who was involved, including the wife. He cannot afford to anger her or she may not cooperate with the case. Furthermore, getting a divorce now may damage the case because they are depending on the statements of the medical provider he has now which are under the wife's medical benefits. The lawyer is concerned that changing providers now might weaken the case as their testimony may not be the same. The lawsuit can take anywhere from six (if settled out of court) months to a year and a half (if not settled in court) to complete.
-One problem is that he already presented her the papers for the divorce before he learnt this so she's already miffed that he'd even consider divorce. She comes from a background in which divorce is never an option no matter how bad things get. This has already made things tense in the household. She's already insistent that she doesn't want to sell the house nor get a divorce. I've determined from the conversations he's described for me that this is not a person that he can have a rational conversation with. Nothing she says today necessarily applies tomorrow. She "may have changed her mind." Also, he can only talk about tough subjects with her for very short periods of time before she can't handle it and storms off claiming "she's too stressed out" to talk about it. It's very tough to advise someone who cannot talk to their spouse in a calm and reasonable manner. Example, when he initially presented her the papers for dissolution, she made an excuse every day for about two weeks not to sign it even though she claimed "she was definitely going to sign it." She never did.
The length of the commute and traffic, the tension at home, the clutter, the inability to get sleep due to the neck injury are taking its toll. He recently succumbed to the local flu going around. He looks haggard and miserable. All the humor and life that used to define him a pale reflection of what they were. If he were to leave the house to go elsewhere, he's afraid the wife will villify him to the kids and make the lawsuit fail even if winning it would benefit her. Given the conditions listed above, is there no other option but to remain in that house for another 6 - 18 months until the lawsuit settles so that he can file his divorce? Does he have no grounds for staying elsewhere to escape a rather poisonous environment in the meantime? I'm really worried!
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