[Little]

It's an interesting question, and I see it for its philosophical value ...
I've "cheated on" a s/o in that high school cheating sort of manner ... "oh, she kissed somebody else, oh noes." It was quite serious at the time and I'm sure it did my s/o's emotional hurt not to be belittled.
I've never been cheated on to my knowledge.
I feel like if someone cheated on me, it would be because I wasn't "good enough" for them. Regardless of whatever their reason may be, selfish or whatever, I would fall back on the "not good enough" reasoning and be hurt.
Because whenever I have cheated on somebody, it was because they weren't good enough, weren't around enough, were too [insert bad quality here,] or some combination of the three.
So, I base my own hurts on the hurts that I have done to others, and I certainly wouldn't wish them on myself.

[SaraSmile]

Why is it that for most people, the idea of your partner having sex with someone else is considered so terrible? For the moment lets assume that they tell you - so the lying isn't an issue.

I think it is the difference between people who open their marriage up to open relatiosnhips with other people, etc., and people who are totally committed (including sexually) to only each other.
If you have serious ongoing problems in your marriage/relationship, I can see why you are tempted to open your marriage. You say you don't care, but I am thinking, for most people, that may mean you don't love each other any more or you are just that tired of the marital problems. However, you say you have always been that way. I don't mean to be insulting, but I think that is too bad. That is just my opinion though. Everyone is different.

[rcoreyus]

I think it is the difference between people who open their marriage up to open relatiosnhips with other people, etc., and people who are totally committed (including sexually) to only each other.
If you have serious ongoing problems in your marriage/relationship, I can see why you are tempted to open your marriage. You say you don't care, but I am thinking, for most people, that may mean you don't love each other any more or you are just that tired of the marital problems. However, you say you have always been that way. I don't mean to be insulting, but I think that is too bad. That is just my opinion though. Everyone is different.

Back when my relationship was working well, I would not have cared if my wife wanted to sleep with someone else, but I didn't have any interest in doing so myself (despite having the opportunity). Now that I can't figure out any way to fix things at home, I admit to being tempted, but will not do it.

One unfortuante bit is that since my job provides me with an easy opportunity for having an affair, and since my wife only rarely sleeps with me anymore, I think she just assumes I am cheating. aargh!

[SaraSmile]

Back when my relationship was working well, I would not have cared if my wife wanted to sleep with someone else, but I didn't have any interest in doing so myself (despite having the opportunity). Now that I can't figure out any way to fix things at home, I admit to being tempted, but will not do it.

One unfortuante bit is that since my job provides me with an easy opportunity for having an affair, and since my wife only rarely sleeps with me anymore, I think she just assumes I am cheating. aargh!

Of course, you probably don't need me to tell you that you should talk to her about it. If you have tried to talk to her and she still believes you are cheating...then I go to the next almost cliche question and ask if you have tried therapy. Sorry if you have stated whether you have or not already....Sounds like you still love her. That has got to be hard on you.

[rcoreyus]

Of course, you probably don't need me to tell you that you should talk to her about it. If you have tried to talk to her and she still believes you are cheating...then I go to the next almost cliche question and ask if you have tried therapy. Sorry if you have stated whether you have or not already....Sounds like you still love her. That has got to be hard on you.

Problem with talking is that she hasn't specifically said something. Try imagining how the conversation starts.... "I know you haven't said anything, but I think you suspect me of cheating, but really I'm not, even though I don't personally think its bad, but......."

The suggestion of therapy would probably not go over well. Our brief experience with it on a previous (but related problem) wasn't very positive.

Unfortuntely I think I understand a lot of the situation, and it is not clear it can be fixed. We have had a host of problems over the last several years: disagreement on whether to have children followed by infertility followed by disagreements over adoption, followed by fostering children - and her discovery that she can't stand children, etc. Its a long soap opera.

But, before all that, sex was still rare - she seems to physically enjoy it, but just not be interested. I think sex was rare or absent in her previous relationships as well. Maybe some people just aren't interested. Maybe she really is a lesbian, as I hinted at earlier -I have no direct evidence, but it would explain a lot minor odd things.

Oh well, for now I'll continue to love her - though now more like a sister than like a wife, and let all my frends envy me for my perfect life. (from their point of view, I'm rich, with a high status job, and 20 year marrage to a beautiful wife who loves me.)

Richard Corey

[SaraSmile]

Problem with talking is that she hasn't specifically said something. Try imagining how the conversation starts.... "I know you haven't said anything, but I think you suspect me of cheating, but really I'm not, even though I don't personally think its bad, but......."

What are her thoughts? Does she think the sex you two have is a normal amount? Women's sex drives go up all the time over the years. That is my understanding. If you have been together 20 years, it seems maybe you might need a spice up. Although, you did say sex has always been rare. I would say you should confront her with serious (meaning that you continue to go) therapy and let her know you are getting restless and need more sex. That's just my opinion cause it seems, one day, you will cheat. How long could anybody last feeling that neglected?
Everyone thinks you've got it all? I always doubted it when I looked at people that *seemed* like the perfect couple. I know that everyone has their problems....

[rcoreyus]

What are her thoughts? Does she think the sex you two have is a normal amount? Women's sex drives go up all the time over the years. That is my understanding. If you have been together 20 years, it seems maybe you might need a spice up. Although, you did say sex has always been rare. I would say you should confront her with serious (meaning that you continue to go) therapy and let her know you are getting restless and need more sex. That's just my opinion cause it seems, one day, you will cheat. How long could anybody last feeling that neglected?
Everyone thinks you've got it all? I always doubted it when I looked at people that *seemed* like the perfect couple. I know that everyone has their problems....

She doesn't like to talk about sex. I think she knows that we have sex very rarely because any discussion about it makes her very upset. (BTW - by rarely, I mean once or twice a month - it was never more than once a week even in the good days).

She knows I would like more sex, and on the rare occasions it is discussed, says she will try, but there is never any change. Her rejection of sex is always for some particular reason at that time, always reasonable, but of course there can't always be something else to do.

I don't think I am a particularly poor lover. I do everything I can for her enjoyment. I've only had one lover before and we had a wonderful time. We broke up (on very friendly terms) because we knew we just weren't right for each other in the long term, though we had a a lot of fun in the short term.

Maybe people don't think we are a "perfect" couple, but I often get comments on how wonderful our relationship is. I mention the "rich" only because money and other practical issues really aren't a problem for us. She has reason to respect what I do, and I respect what she does - brag about her work and her hobbies often to my friends.

I might try pushing for therapy - but the immediate reaction will be very negative.

[C]

Cheating is bad because you are breaking the promise to the one you married to stay true to him/her till death do we part. If you have an Open Marriage then this is different. This is not cheating. If you are so bothered by this and she is not fulfilling her obligations, which she should be as a wife, then don't let all your friends dictate how wonderful that you both are. You know what goes on inside closed doors. They don't. It's your life. Don't live life unfulfilled.

What makes our marriage so wonderful and always has is that we are both on the same page sexually. Oh, once in a while over the age's, he has had to coax me a little harder to get me in bed but once there I was awaken and we were good. Therapy is cold and hard for a woman for she must touch her soul with a stranger and women are not readily able to do this. Have you ever sat down and told her of your sexual needs? Told her you need to be sexually loved and without it you will be tempted to look around for replacement love. She must become aware of your feelings as women can very easily get in the habit of forgetting to love and be satisfied living in this asexual condition. But we can also be taught to sexually love someone with our heart and soul and enjoy it more than we ever thought possible.

Talk to her and go from there. She may change and she may not. Unless she does, I believe over the years, she will get worse......just my thoughts.....

[SaraSmile]

I might try pushing for therapy - but the immediate reaction will be very negative.

Good luck talking to her and trying to get things straightened out more.

[bellababe]

rcorey

Cheating is never a good thing, it is a betrayal. People that cheat are being dishonest. I also don't believe in an open marriage because I think that if you are having sex with some else WITHOUT your spouse jealousy can sometimes rear it's ugly head. Jealousy can even happen when you are together, as in a swinging or poly relationship, although if you are in such a relationship jealousy issues should be discussed in full before you start.
Please don't cheat.