[rcoreyus]

Why is it that for most people, the idea of your partner having sex with someone else is considered so terrible? For the moment lets assume that they tell you - so the lying isn't an issue.

Of course some people have religious objections. I fully respect those objections, but they don't apply to everyone.

There is physical risk (disease, pregnancy), but those can be made minimal as well.

So, for those of you who don't have religious objections, why would you mind if your spouse slept (safely) with someone else. Lets take the case where you spouse desires sex more often than you would like, so they are not ignoring you, just trying to meet their desires (I won't say needs) somewhere else. Why does this bother people so very much?


BTW: I'm not cheating, and as far as I know my spouse is not cheating. It is just that I wouldn't really care at all if my spouse had sex with someone else, but it seems to me that everyone else cares so very strongly.

[Guest]

Well...You get into a relationship because you want to be with that person in every single way. If that person can't please you whenever you want to be pleased, you say, "Alright, next time or the time after that." No such thing as, "Oh... Lemme go find someone else because I can't get it at home. They won't mind. It's not like I have feelings for the person."

Doesn't matter if it's safe.
Doesn't matter if they tell you.
Doesn't matter if they still love you.

It's not showing how much you love them. -nod nod-

There's a reason why it's called cheating. It's like double-dipping. Gross.

[ChelseaRenee]

I'm not religious- I don't even believe in a god- but to me sex is sacred. I know many women and men who don't see it that way (they have promiscuous, unattached sex, sex with many people, etc.) but if they were in a committed relationship, they would be devastated and enraged if they were cheated on.

Personally, I feel as though if you sleep with another person, you have ZERO right to be with them at all. You completely lack love, respect, and everything else that makes relationships special. Disgusting.

So my question to you: Are you saying that you wouldn't care if your spouse had sex with someone else because you want to have sex with other people and not feel like a hypocrite? Just trying to understand. That anyone wouldn't care if their spouse cheated on them boggles my mind!

[JubesInquest]

WTH???

Ok, IMO, unless BOTH parties agree to an open relationship (which I find totally disgusting) then what is a person cheating for?

Cheating, to me, means you don't have respect for the person you are with as well as no respect for yourself; you are selfish (why can't you talk to your partner?); you leave yourself open for diseases (NOTHING is foolproof); if you're cheating, then what bounds have you set for yourself; or is it anything goes?

I also have "religious" objections on this, so I feel very strongly about cheating: you don't do it--IF you care about your s/o ....

I mean, it's like your hurting them and just don't care!

[housewife]

My jaw dropped

I have never heard a person thinks of cheating as "No big deal", Never.
I have to admit that your post is chocking to me.
and I have nothing to tell you other than I don't know what is your definition of sex, is it as easy is saying "Hi"?

[Fallen1]

Wow this is a tough one for me to answer because there are so many reasons why you shouldn't. First and foremost being that if you truly love someone why would you even want someone else.

Although I find it disgusting also, if both parties agree and can live with it that's their business. But I will pose this question - Why even get into a relationship with someone in the first place if you believe you can't stay faithful to that partner?

[rcoreyus]

I'm not religious- I don't even believe in a god- but to me sex is sacred. I know many women and men who don't see it that way (they have promiscuous, unattached sex, sex with many people, etc.) but if they were in a committed relationship, they would be devastated and enraged if they were cheated on.

Personally, I feel as though if you sleep with another person, you have ZERO right to be with them at all. You completely lack love, respect, and everything else that makes relationships special. Disgusting.

So my question to you: Are you saying that you wouldn't care if your spouse had sex with someone else because you want to have sex with other people and not feel like a hypocrite? Just trying to understand. That anyone wouldn't care if their spouse cheated on them boggles my mind!

Its not easy to say why I am not bothered by my spouse having sex wtih someone else. I think I have never had a sense of jeealousy. Even back when my relationship with my spouse was excellent, I felt this way. There is some chance my spouse had an affair at one point - I both don't know, and other than vague curiosity, really don't care.


You are correct that given the state of my relationship now that I am tempted - but am not going to (and yes - I've done everything I can think of to fix things at home - but looks like I get to be nearly celibate for the rest of my life).

I've seen a number of posters complaining about a large descrepancy in the desire for sex between spouses. I haven't seen a lot of solutions. Seems that you have 4 choices: 1. One person feels neglected. 2. One person feels pressured into having sex they don't want. 3. You get divorced. 4. Someone has sex outside of the marriage. It seems sad to end an otherwise happy marriage for a single issue.

If you had an otherwise happy relationship, would you divorce your spouse if they discovered they were gay (and hadn't realized it when you got married)? It happens....

[ChelseaRenee]

A few things about what you said sadden me. First, that your wife may have had an affair. Secondly, that you really don't care. I'm failing to see where the intimacy in your relationship is- your spouse may have cheated, you don't MIND that your spouse may have cheated, and you're not physically intimate with each other. I'm so sorry.

And yet, after all that, you said that you've decided to be celibate for the rest of your life and NOT cheat. If everything you've said about the current status of your relationship is true, and you really see nothing wrong with cheating, why are you stopping yourself for doing it?

And yes, I would absolutely seek a divorce. A marriage is about being best friends AND being intimately in love. I don't see having a truly fulfilling marriage where either one of those is missing.

[kaylar]

Let me deal with this post from a totally different angle.

Let us suppose you come from a society in which polygamy
(or polyandry) is practised. The spouse who is allowed
other partners is NOT cheating when she goes to husband
#2 or he goes to Wife #3.

This is how the society functions.

There are people, even in monogamous societies who have
more than one family. They may not be married, legally,
to anyone, but adopt a common law kind of marriage and
keep separate households.

The husbands or wives know where their spouse is, and
has no problem with the concept that he or she is a co-
spouse for that was the nature of the 'contract'.

The term 'cheating' is applied to a situation in which
a party goes outside of the contract and engages in a
relationship unknown to the other party to the contract.

Now, putting polyandrous and polygamous societies aside,
and dealing in a western monogamous paradigm;

You have many cases where the wife couldn't care less
if the husband lived or died. They entered a relationship
which went bad, and have not divorced for whatever
consideration.

Whether the husband is sleeping with two legged, four
legged or six legged creatures, it means nothing, for
he is NOT sleeping with her.

Not all men are good in bed, hence a man who is
particularly crummy will almost see his wife doing
the happy dance when he gets a girlfriend.

This is not as uncommon as one might think.

Although the wife might make it seem that she is
not interested in sex, she is very often not interested
in sex WITH HIM; emphasis on WITH HIM.

What she does in her spare time is no one's business
and as she's not looking for publicity, her husband and
the public will never know.

Outside of that situation, cheating hurts the other
spouse just as lying and deception hurts a business
or a friendship.

You enter a relationship with someone, expect them
to love you and give you their wholeness, then find out
there are other people involved in your relationship,
people you find disgusting or violent, who your trusted
other has brought in for his lusts.

It has to hurt. Cheating is designed to hurt.

It is like not being invited to a party. You have to know
there is a party, you have to expect to be invited, so
that when you find out you are excluded you feel hurt.

You certainly couldn't be hurt if you were unaware
there was a party. Nor, if you had made arrangements
for that particular night, so even were you invited you
could not go.

Why cheating hurts is how it is done.
Not as much as what.

[rcoreyus]

A few things about what you said sadden me. First, that your wife may have had an affair. Secondly, that you really don't care. I'm failing to see where the intimacy in your relationship is- your spouse may have cheated, you don't MIND that your spouse may have cheated, and you're not physically intimate with each other. I'm so sorry.

And yet, after all that, you said that you've decided to be celibate for the rest of your life and NOT cheat. If everything you've said about the current status of your relationship is true, and you really see nothing wrong with cheating, why are you stopping yourself for doing it?

And yes, I would absolutely seek a divorce. A marriage is about being best friends AND being intimately in love. I don't see having a truly fulfilling marriage where either one of those is missing.

Drifting off topic: It is a sad situation. I don't have any real evidence that she had an affair. But if she did, what harm would it do me (assuming it is not the reason she doesn't want to sleep with me - and I'm pretty sure it is not). BTW we are still intimate occasionally, but less and less often with time, and I think she is just humoring me.

I won't cheat simply as a matter of pride (it is the best sin after all).

I won't leave her because I love her and she would be lost without me. Sex is important, but not important enough to abandon someone you love. What if she is a lesbian - not her fault if she is not interested - but surely I would not love her less for that.