[Euphoric]

I think there is more to the story than meets the eye. Going through puberty certainly brings about sexual thoughts and hormonal changes. Curiosity is natural but that doesn't necessarily mean those urges are acted upon. We don't know what type of environment this child is exposed to. Is it possible that she has been exposed to porn and/or promiscuous behavior within her home? If so, she may not realize that having sexual relations at such a young age is inappropriate. There must be some compelling reason that you are hesitant to approach your sister concerning her child's health and welfare, something that we are unaware of. More facts about why going to your sister would be a bad idea may change the dynamics of the advice you are receiving.

In your original post, you state that she describes spasms that feel amazing. I think that you are correct in your assessment that she is speaking of herself. How else would she know what it feels like? Either way, she is participating in sexual activity or exposed to it. I'm just not so sure that her only exposure is at school, or through a friend.

Do you mind elaborating a little more about the status of your sister?

[BabyGirl]

Euphoric says it so more eloquently than me. I am almost 60

I think there is more to the story than meets the eye. Going through puberty certainly brings about sexual thoughts and hormonal changes. Curiosity is natural but that doesn't necessarily mean those urges are acted upon. We don't know what type of environment this child is exposed to. Is it possible that she has been exposed to porn and/or promiscuous behavior within her home? If so, she may not realize that having sexual relations at such a young age is inappropriate.

I certainly did not know at age 9, that it was sexual to to sit in " step daddy's" lap and have him move me up and down and even around and like riding our horses that I could feel a " thrill "..
I also did not know at that age,that i was being " groomed " for other " thrills " and other feelings other touches.

That to me if it was " Normal " it was OK .Life,Religion Control based to be Indoctrinated.
And that is maybe why I am still here ..

I cannot state more strongly that Sexual Orientation or Activity for children of an age that the State provides as a MINOR .
Most States is 18, Some States it's 16 with Emancipation

Then you turn on your TV or Internet and you see Missing Children,Kidnappers, Persistent Perverts.
It's there for YOU !
Every day to see .
Missing, Lost and Stolen ,from Parenting,

I am trying Not to have you raise your Young Woman or Man .
To Believe .
That Sex is or not the an answer when your Body is still trying,..To catch up with your Heart
That is what Parents used to be for .

And I am also doing the best I can to help you teach your 12 year old and your 13 year old, 14, 15 year old. That they have time to Grow,

[LisaW1991]

I'm not convinced your niece is having sex yet, but if she isn't she is almost at that place. She could well have seen a boy's erection, from being with her friend (during show and tell) and the rest is from what her friend has told her and how her body has reacted to seeing the erection. If you were curious as to how much she knows, ask her about what happens after the boy is done. If she doesn't know about some of the messier things like semen dripping out for a while, she is unlikely to have had sex (she possibly could just forget to tell such details).

Nevertheless, this is a time to emphasize birth control and STD prevention. Can you give her condoms or will that cause a rift in family relationships? Even if you cannot give her them, make sure she requires any boy to use them or any sex is off of the table completely. Can you do demonstrations on how to put them on? Is that being taught in school?

Also explain relationships and what is needed to maintain them. Explain what it takes to raise a baby. Does she know about the 24 hour care needed and the lack of sleep by the parents during the first months? Does she know how having a baby can change her life and not allow her to get her education at the same time as her friends? Does she know that having a baby will change who are her friends and who are not?

Thanks you make some good points. I am not 100% sure she is having sex, it just sure seems like it based on what she has told me. She talks in specific details about being sexual aroused to the point of orgasm and the feelings being very intense. She seems to be looking for validation that what she experienced is what other girls experience during sex.


I mostly just listen and trying to be non-judgmental so that she continues to feel free talk about it. I have answered her questions in a manner that seems to have helped her be less overwhelmed. I remember when I first had sex, it took me a while to wrap my head around it, and I think she having the same difficultly in part because she's a petite girl like all the girls in our family, and guys just look a lot bigger. She is not developed enough to get pregnant (thankfully), but she is more developed than she realizes. She compares herself with girls her age at school, and nearly all of them appear more developed in her eyes (taller, bigger breasts, etc). My niece is petite, has small breasts, and not much pubic hair, and her self image is that she not very developed, but that is normal for girls\women in our family who are fully mature. She described the boy as having 6-7 inch erection, and she has difficulty comprehending that a erection that big could fit into a smaller girl (Just like her). I think she having a hard time comprehending she capable of having sex because she very petite, yet the reality is that she is physically mature enough for sex, even if her mind is not there yet.

[Harmony]

I still think that she has been listening to people talking about sex who are having it (via the net, friends, extended friends etc) has PROBABLY watched some porn and MAYBE began exploring herself. The two former points are usually sufficient to make an insecure youngster approaching or beginning puberty attempt to give themselves a crash course beginning with point three. Reading erotic fiction (all readily available) like that stupid 50 shades book wont help, and all these stupid erotic stories about women having multiple orgasms in stables with the lord of the manor after being lost in a country lane will only confuse matters further.

I'd say the fact that she didn't think a 6-7 inch penis could fit in her means one probably didn't. I think she's been watching porn and trying to psychologically prepare herself and is asking questions pertaining to her anticipated concerns.

Like JNS said, did she mention any of the nitty gritty details?

If your sister is not capable of being a mother then exploring this issue may take you further towards finding an answer to the question, 'why is my 12 year old niece having sex or gearing herself up to have sex in the imminent future?' I think this is the question which should be more pressing.

[LisaW1991]

I think there is more to the story than meets the eye. Going through puberty certainly brings about sexual thoughts and hormonal changes. Curiosity is natural but that doesn't necessarily mean those urges are acted upon. We don't know what type of environment this child is exposed to. Is it possible that she has been exposed to porn and/or promiscuous behavior within her home? If so, she may not realize that having sexual relations at such a young age is inappropriate. There must be some compelling reason that you are hesitant to approach your sister concerning her child's health and welfare, something that we are unaware of. More facts about why going to your sister would be a bad idea may change the dynamics of the advice you are receiving.

In your original post, you state that she describes spasms that feel amazing. I think that you are correct in your assessment that she is speaking of herself. How else would she know what it feels like? Either way, she is participating in sexual activity or exposed to it. I'm just not so sure that her only exposure is at school, or through a friend.

Do you mind elaborating a little more about the status of your sister?

My sister is good person, but not a responsible parent. She is a single parent now, and wants to live a single life. My parents take care of my niece nearly half the time partly because my sister works a late night shift (6pm - 2am) and then likes to go have fun after work. And she has been known to bring guys home to have sex. I don't think my niece has ever seen my sister having sex, but she has heard some very loud sexual sounds coming from the bedroom. A few days later my neice told me about it, and I explained to her that what she heard was two adults having sex. My sister did have a sex talk with my niece about 1 year ago, and it wasn't a very good talk. She handled it more like she was talking to an 16-17 year old girl who was already having sex. She more-or-less said "you can have sex, just make sure you don't get pregnant". My niece really didn't understand much of what my sister said because she used terms and language my niece had never heard before (like the term 'c0ck'). Later, I had to translate what my sister said into terms a 11 year old girl could understand. I don't think my sister was intentionally encouraging her to start having sex, but my niece felt like she would get approval if she did have sex. I've been mostly encouraging her to take things slowly with boys and not go any faster than she felt comfortable. I was sexually active at young age, having sex while I was still going through puberty, so I know from experience that sex can be very overwhelming even when it very pleasurable; the mind not caught up with the body's desire to have sex.

[LisaW1991]

I still think that she has been listening to people talking about sex who are having it (via the net, friends, extended friends etc) has PROBABLY watched some porn and MAYBE began exploring herself. The two former points are usually sufficient to make an insecure youngster approaching or beginning puberty attempt to give themselves a crash course beginning with point three. Reading erotic fiction (all readily available) like that stupid 50 shades book wont help, and all these stupid erotic stories about women having multiple orgasms in stables with the lord of the manor after being lost in a country lane will only confuse matters further.

I'd say the fact that she didn't think a 6-7 inch penis could fit in her means one probably didn't. I think she's been watching porn and trying to psychologically prepare herself and is asking questions pertaining to her anticipated concerns.

Like JNS said, did she mention any of the nitty gritty details?

If your sister is not capable of being a mother then exploring this issue may take you further towards finding an answer to the question, 'why is my 12 year old niece having sex or gearing herself up to have sex in the imminent future?' I think this is the question which should be more pressing.

I talked to my OBGYN about it on the phone, and she suggested I set up an appointment for my niece to have a basic checkup. She'll be able to determine for certain and then discuss sex with her.

My OBGYM said she is seeing more younger girls having sex than a decade ago. Before she said rarely saw girls under 14 having sex, and even then they were developed young women physically mature enough to have sex. Now she said its becoming more frequent for 12-13 year olds to become sexually active during puberty and know less and\or be misinformed. She think the internet has a lot to do with it because kids can find pretty get both good and bad information, and its easy for them find porn.

I don't know what it is, but kinda seems to run in the family. Myself, my two sisters, started having sex at a young age, and now my niece appears to have as well. I have mixed feelings about it because middle school really is too young for kids to be having sex, yet I and my sisters did and nothing really bad happen, it was just our life, and we enjoyed having sex. Yet now that I am older, I can see now that things could have easily turned out badly on several occasions, and it really would be best that my niece stayed a girl longer just so she doesn't find herself over her head not understanding sex while having sex.

[Trisha23]

Explain to her the possible outcomes of having sex like getting pregnant and acquiring STD. Encourage also your niece to be honest if she is really the girl she is talking about. Convince her also not to have sex yet since she is still very young.

[LisaW1991]

Thanks for the advice

Explain to her the possible outcomes of having sex like getting pregnant and acquiring STD. Encourage also your niece to be honest if she is really the girl she is talking about. Convince her also not to have sex yet since she is still very young.

Thank you for your advice.

Lisa!

[DreamP346]

I just want to caution you against focusing too much on pregnancies and STIs. That may set a negative precedence and can later contribute to sexual issues. I am a sex educator and I always like to do my education with a position twist with a huge focus on pleasure. This is especially true for teens (for pre-teens in your case). You need to make sure you cover the following:

1) Basic biology. School sex ed does not cover female orgasm or the clitoris. This will just add to more confusion and possibly more experimenting. You need to explain the function of the clitoris, why women do not need intercourse to have an orgasm, and often cannot orgasm with intercourse. This also illustrates how girls do not need engage in intercourse to find sexual pleasure.

2) Teach negotiation skills. Sex is a two way interaction. At 12, she may not fully have mastered the skills to express what she truly wants or say no to things she does not clearly understand or even want. Its not just about saying no, its also about saying no to certain things and saying yes to others. Teach her that it is OK to want to kiss a boy, even maybe some petting. But if she doesn't want to do more, she needs to learn to communicate them clearly with potential partners. The reality is kids are doing stuff and experimenting. You would rather she not do an all-or-nothing situation. She doesn't have to completely avoid boys, but she doesn't have to engage in full intercourse to enjoy sex and boys. She needs to understand that sex is a buffet and she doesn't have to get to the end line immediately, but its very important to make that clear to her partners from the onset.

2) Explore alternatives to intercourse. If you ask her, she may tell them to you, but you may need to explain some. There is masturbation, mutual masturbation, dry humping, etc. This is where you need to talk about oral sex. Many kids do not consider oral sex real sex and also don't think it is risky. Oral sex can be an alternative to intercourse, but it is sex and has risks of STIs

3) Pregnancy and disease. There is were you need to bust all the myths. You can get pregnant with pre-cum. You can get an STI from oral sex. Pulling out isn't effective. Correct way to put on a condom. Clinics to go to. etc

4) Emotional and social ramifications of sex. What does it mean to the relationship. What will it do to her reputation at school. What will happen if she gets pregnant. Don't make this a scare tactic but more about "have you thought about all these consequences?"

5) Cyber sex. Needs to be discussed in this day-and-age. The risks of sexting, nude pictures, posting something online (picture or statement), etc.

Good luck with the talk.