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I caught him cheating, Should I tell on him?

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  • I caught him cheating, Should I tell on him?


    I'm faced with a decision that can break a relationship and possibly my friendship, and I was looking for some advice/insight.

    So we'll call the guy ********, and the girl Jane. They've been going out for a little over a year, they make a great couple, and we hang out every now and then with a group of other friends. Originally, ******** was my friend first, I've known him since college. Were ok friends, not the closest, but i'd consider us friends. I met Jane through ********, and we hit it of and became pretty close friends. ******** is a good guy, nice, handsome,... the whole package. Jane lights up whenever she sees him, she has never been so much in love.

    Recently I found out that ******** cheated on Jane. He got drunk one night and had a one night stand with some chick he met in a bar. I know this because I saw them leave together from the bar (he didn`t know I was behind him, and he didn`t see me). At the time I didn`t think they were going to sleep together, but I thought they were just friends walking each other home. Then a couple of days later some rumors from some of his friends were floating around that they had slept together but I didn`t believe them. Then a couple of days later, I overherd him admitting to his best friend that he cheated on Jane with the girl I saw a week before. So at this point, no one among us, of the group of friends that hang out together know about this except me and obviously ********.

    So the question is should I rat him out and tell Jane? Or am I being nosy?

    I know that he'll be mad at me and possibly end our friendship saying that i'm being nosy for telling her. I know it's not my business, but I feel like i'm betraying Jane by not telling her. Or am I betraying him for telling on him? I think that if I were in her shoes and she was in mine I would want to know. Or should I just keep my mouth shut?
    ******** isn't the kind of guy who cheats on girls, I know that he was pretty drunk that night and it was probably a big mistake. If I keep my mouth shut she will never know, and they could keep going on as a happy couple.

    What do you guys think? Any advice, insights?
    Tell on him
    Don't tell

  • People do the most stupidist things when drung. And, I suspect she was as well, it takes two.

    You say that he is not the type to be a player, therefore, in my opinion forgiveness over a "mistake" in your mind should be at play.

    If anyone should tell Jane, it should be him. He may never tell her, he may choose to marry her one day and tell her then, before they tie the knot.

    But, ultimately I personally would let it be.. We live in a World where mistakes happen, if we don't make them we don't learn from them and become a better person or a person with more insight, knowledge.

    I don't feel you are betraying her, you've only known her a year firstly, him longer. Secondly, if it ever came to light, "It was not my business to tell you, I saw it as a huge mistake, a drunken one but in my opinion, you never do good by hurting someone, I left it for him to tell you as that is the right way to approach this, coming from him which he may have evenutally of done, still would hurt but knowing he told you, would ease that somewhat because he would never have told you unless he loved you.... That is why I did not tell you....................".

    And, to him I would let him know the above. So that he has food for thought about it.... For now, or in the future, after all we don't have a crystal ball. They may not stay together for more than another year but why interfere and create the possibility of it being now.... Leave it to him to ponder and choose.


    • I agree about doing stupid things when drunk, but he followed up by doing a stupid thing when he wasn't drunk: the telling part of kiss-and-tell.

      Not saying anything anything is probably the best policy. If he follows this up by other dumb things, you could always warn her at that time, but not about this.


      You could send him an anonymous note. Something computer generated. Sent by snail mail with no return address. With or without details (details may put you at the bar).


      You could send her an anonymous note. Something computer generated. Sent by snail mail with no return address. With or without details (details may put you at the bar)
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • I like your idea about sending him an anonymous note. That would pressure him into doing the right thing, because I know that I would want to know. And it would also allow me to say I did something about the situation if she ever asked me.

        Thank you for you advice.


        • I was in a similar situation. My cousin got married young so she was the first of my friends to get married (they got married because she got pregnant). Well, she ended up cheating on him right after their 1st son was born. Her husband is family now, not just a friendship, but I kept in mind that she told me in confidence and I was not going to get in between their relationship. A relationship consists of 2 people, not three, and I am not there to be a "referee" in their relationship. About a year later she called and told me she was pregnant again, and right after her 2nd son was born she was really drunk and told me she slept with that same guy she cheated the first time with and wasn't sure if her 2nd child was actually her husbands. She made her husband not use protection so in case she did get pregnant he wouldn't suspect anything (horrible right?)...well again, she told me in confidence because really it was none of my business and that is something they have to work out between themselves. They are divorced now, but it eventually came out because she told him or someone else spilled the beans. I can at least walk away knowing I had nothing to do with it and if he got upset that I knew and didn't tell him, I would have said "I wouldn't even know how to tell you and I don't want to be the reason for a breakup, especially one with children involved"....

          So my take- leave it alone and go on with your daily lives. They have to work this out on their own. It might end badly or it might keep going and they will be happy, but it is not your place to bud into a relationship.


          • Are they in an exclusive relationship, like they're engaged or at least don't date other people? I personally think he's the one you should talk to - at least at first. He's sloppy. You saw him and there are rumors circulating. It's a good chance she'll find out anyway. You could tell him those things and let him know you've told no one. That solidifies your actions as those of a true friend. You've betrayed no one. If you handle the conversation right and he's smart, he might be motivated to confront her with the truth himself. Better him than the rumor mill or the risk that you'll let it slip. That would make things easy for you.

            But if he doesn't, the question is, is she entitled to know? You said that you'd want to know. I would too. In my eyes, if you withhold information to people that are entitled to it, you're complicit. Everyone's different, but there's no way I'd ever reject a friend for telling me the truth. I know because I was actually in this situation with an old girlfriend and my very best friend. They were also close and he found out she'd been kissing another young man. The thing I was most angry about was the delay between the time he found out and the time I did. She came to me and he made sure. He and I were closer than ever afterwards. I forgave her and we all remained close for some time. This was one of the most honorable things he did in our friendship and I still have a lot of respect for him because of it - even though he became a dishonorable man later. If he hadn't taken action it would have been a betrayal. (Incidentally, this incident was twenty years ago and none of us are close anymore, but he just called me last week to bail him out of jail and I was going to because I never stopped being a friend to him, but his father beat me to it.)

            Everyone can be a "friend" when you're having a drink and chatting about sports or who's cute in Hollywood. The difficult moments are what define the real deal though. I think jns' letter suggestion is near genius. But if he doesn't follow through my feeling is that you still have an obligation to do more. I know it's very awkward. I wish you well.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


            • I overheard him admitting to his best friend that he cheated on Jane with the girl I saw a week before.
              So at this point,no one among us, of the group of friends that hang out together know about this except me and obviously Richard. .
              His Best Friend Knows,because you overheard him telling him.You Know because you heard and Saw the " Evidence " That he Left with her and thought Cheated and the Chick he Slept with Knows if they Did have Sex.

              Does He know You Know ?

              That makes at least 4 that already Know,not including all the other people of Pub/ Bar goers that may see him with another Gal ( Your Friend His GF ). Instead of the Woman that is his GF ?

              I would pull him aside at a time no one is in any state of Drunk or Anger .
              Tell him that you Overheard,that You Know,that you will not Tell, if this was the One and Only Time.

              Leave it at that ..

              Unless he does it again.
              It was a Bad Decision,it might be a " Mistake " but Repetitive " Mistakes " are not "Bad Decisions.
              They are Choices and show Character.

              Bar's and Parties and Drinking or Drugging without the SO ( If any ) is one of the " Mistakes " many of us make.
              Time to Grow Up, ( Him ) and not do it again. She may have " Secrets of her Own " .
              The key is Don't Rat him out, Educate him, that he is Lucky to have a Friend that is willing to give " Advice " to Him and His SO".

              He still could be in Big Trouble if this gal ( Slept with one ) ends up Preggers or Giving him a STD .
              He could have been caught another way .

              It sounds like you are a Good Friend to Both of them. Right now he needs to Value your Friendship and so does She .
              So the Fine Line here.. Is Letting him know you know and if it happens Again , She will know also.


              • I think you should tell on him... i mean if hes cheating, make him deal with the concequences.
                Life is not worth living without love <3


                • If this guy is telling his friend about the incident in a public area where other people/friends can overhear the conversation and there is a rumor going around, its just a matter of time before the girlfriend finds out. I would approach this feller, tell him that you know and it now puts you in a difficult situation of whether to get involved in other people's private lives or hide the truth from a close friend. Ask him to resolve this with his girlfriend directly. It may be a private issue, but he has made it very public.
                  Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


                  • Here's the thing.


                    He could potentially be putting Jane at risk. Does she deserve getting some permanent luggage just because her boyfriend cheated?

                    Also, this isn't a mistake. It's a choice. More than likely, made many times.

                    If he was so drunk he didn't know, that's a whole different area of problem that Jane also needs to be made aware.


                    • I would definitely want someone to tell me that my guy was doing stuff like that. I was actually told he was planning on doing stuff, get this, by the woman's husband. He told me. It led to a whole ******** storm, but that was after YEARS of 'it wont happen again'. So this is probably just his first thing. I would want to know right away so I know Im not wasting my time on someone who is going out with other women. I never believe the 'I was drunk' line. Never have, never will. He was telling his friends so he knew what he did. If he was a real man he wouldve told her and tried to work things out, but now he's hiding it which to me seems like he knew what he was doing and it trying to keep it a secret.
                      Like Snerg said, what if he picked something up and gives it to her!? Thats not fair to someone who is committed to a relationship. I dont like the whole 'just dont tell'. Shoot.. if it were me I'd want someone to tell me. I might be the only person like that. Getting that vibe from these comments. He made a bad mistakes and needs to deal with the consequences.



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